Does anyone happen to remember the mission statement we got from the casting department after the end of last season? The one which basically went 'If we don't completely restore and exceed all previous levels of star power next time around, everything we do produce has to be considered as an epic fail'? Well, mission accomplished: Epic Fail it is. In terms of celebrity tiers, it's hard to imagine a season Failing more Epically.

Put it this way: when you can swap me in and not lose a measurable percentage of the wattage, something has gone wrong.

You have to give them credit, really. It's hard to imagine any casting department achieving this perfect a mix of 'Who?', 'Why?', and 'Was everyone else dead?' without actively working for it. We haven't seen this kind of overprediction vs. actual results since the last time Donald opened his mouth and lies tumbled out. In fact, the lies could go dancing and draw higher poll numbers. Applause is in order, or at least surrender. Wave goodbye to your ratings, ABC -- but expect a thank-you card from Simon in the physical mail. Postage due.

And if you haven't seen the list yet and don't understand why I'm reacting this way...

David Arquette
Ron Artest
Chaz Bono
Elisabetta Canalis
Kristin Cavallari
Nancy Grace
Rob Kardashian
Carson Kressley
Ricki Lake
J.R. Martinez
Chynna Phillips
Hope Solo

...now you do.

Well, maybe after twenty minutes of research.

Why bother handicapping the field when the casting department already hobbled the show?

Welcome to the first year where the professionals are the entire voting base draw.