LAST EDITED ON 03-25-11 AT 10:40 PM (EST)

A red-headed stepchild, a member of a gang with secret nicknames and the Keeper of the Flame? This Survivor thing is like summer camp, but with built-in Bulimia nervosa. How can it get any cooler than that?
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“John 3:16 – And we’ll give you other college basketball scores as they come in.” - Krista arrives at Recycle Island’s version of the Crystal Cathedral and makes an offering unto Matt, playing Jessica Hahn to Matt’s Jim Bakker. She admires Matt’s positive attitude and asks if he prays as much as she does. “Do I ever!” Saint Matt replies. “Let’s have a pray-off right now. The first one to make a lamb materialize wins.” Strangely, there is no mention of mint jelly. While they wait for Lambchop to beam down, Matt says that he thinks that “God put me here” on Survivor. God works in mysterious ways that include a 17 page Survivor application, a video application, headshots, auditions and face to face interviews with Me and several segment producers. Let’s not even mention the psychological screening that “Passed-over” Phillip somehow. Smite that, King of Kings.

After the cuddle bunnies finish poking each other *nudge nudge* and calling each other “blondie”, Krista gets serious and says that she plans to compete hard against Matt in the Challenge. That’s when Matt realizes that Krista is a “firecracker”, if not exactly a sparkler.

Work and Play Well With Others - Over at Zelig, Steve is stewing about Krista and Stephanie voting for him at last night’s Tribal Council. When he asks Stephanie about it, she tells him that the Russellz Girlz™ alliance voted for him because they think he’s the weakest member of the team, but he shouldn’t take it too personally because she feels he’s doing his best. The only thing missing in this exchange is Stephanie patting him condescendingly on the head. In her confessional Stephanie reveals that she is trying to Zelig-ize her personality to appeal to others and is “not going to be too crazy about bashing people.” The only thing standing between her and one million dollars is that she hates to suck up to people. That and the fact that there are very few Challenges that play to her strengths as a waitress, but I’ll have the Challenge Designers try to whip something up that involves balancing plates up your arm and screwing up the check.

It’s Not Pretty Being Easy - At Omerta, Ashley and Natalie have declared another “Spa Day” and are down at Depilatory Beach using their fingers, the machete and a teeny, tiny lawnmower to trim hair from their underarm, leg, eyebrow and bikini line areas. Meanwhile Phillip is beside himself with frustration that “the girls” don’t make an effort to do anything useful around camp. Phillip-san is so upset that he’s making wild Wax on, Wax off gestures with his hands and he’s seriously thinking of adding Mr. Miyagi and a Crane to his tattoo zoo. We can only hope that he doesn’t sweep the leg.

At Phillip’s regular confessional appointment, he whines that he checks the fire every half hour and he wants credit for his hard work. You may think that one man’s delusional nutjob is another man’s Special Agent Nutjob, but before you judge Special Agent Sheppard too harshly, consider this; Phillip was the only one who reached into his pocket when it was time to rent Omerta’s campsite and he just wants his security deposit back when this is all over. He vents that, “If I go to Redemption Island before Ashley and Natalie, there is something wrong with the game.” He adds that he feels like their “red-headed stepchild”, proving that he has a lot to learn about biology, heredity and cosmetology.

Redemption Island Duel: We call it “maze” - Jiffy checks ticket stubs and shows Andrea and Natalie from Omerta as well as Zelig’s Julie and Mike to their seats. He explains that both Matt and Krista will throw grappling hooks to retrieve three bags. Each bag contains a ball and once you have all three bags you can use one of the balls to roll through a table maze. The advantage would seem to go with Krista, who undoubtedly has more experience sinking her hooks into bags while shopping at the mall than the devout and presumably frugal pre-med student Matt. The winner gets to stay at beautiful Recycle Island while the loser will have to go to the Ponderosa and apply a layer of Carnauba wax to Russell’s head.

Sufficiently motivated, Krista hooks the first bag with her first toss. After his grappling hook misses its mark, Matt finds his target on toss number two and hauls in a bag. Krista manages to grab the three bags on three tosses and starts her maze first, but Matt refuses to panic and soon catches up to Krista on the table maze. Whether Jiffy’s play-by-play makes her nervous or if she doesn’t have enough experience with the Holy Trinity of college drinking games (tilt-a-maze, beer pong and Buzz), Krista loses her focus and Matt wins his fourth Duel.

Before Krista leaves she tells everyone that Matt is a “strong believer” and presents him with her pink Barbie Bible. Matt is touched by Krista’s gift, but Andrea, in the role of Tammy Faye Bakker, gives her Survivor husband some stink eye and realizes that he may be “a dangerous player”. Well, that’s code, isn’t it? Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned who would rather be wearing 16 lbs of makeup.

Sarita Has a Dental Breakdown – As Day 15 dawns at Zelig, Sarita has had a tooth brushing collision between a twig and her gums, resulting in some discomfort and a need for pity from everyone around her. After asking Ralph if her face looks swollen for the twentieth time, he remarks in confession, “Sarita, she’s trying to be too fancy of a girl for this kind of game. Besides, who needs more than 5 or 6 teef for good chewin’ anyway?” David sees Sarita’s whining as a wedge that Stephanie can use to improve her position. He encourages her to make a connection with tribe members. Stephanie agrees that this is a good idea if she can just figure out how to suck up to people that she hates. “Why didn’t I learn this in school?” she muses. You did, spawn of Russell. It’s called High School.

America’s Next Top Lunatic – Phillip continues his chores and also continues to simmer about Ashley and Natalie not doing their share. After barking out commands and having them refused, the pot lid boils right off and Phillip gets into a shouting match with Ashley and Natalie, calling them beauty queens. Ashley sputters, “Phillip is mental, like he literally has a mental … Somebody needs to diagnose him.” Use your words, Ashley, use your words. Later, Rob takes Phillip aside and calms him down in an effort to balance tribe unity with voting leverage.

IC – The Chippendale’s Lacrosse Team – Jiffy puts down his double mocha latte and strolls onto the beach to explain that this challenge involves two members of each tribe launching balls with a slingshot toward the water while the remaining tribe members will try to catch them with webbed Lacrosse sticks. First tribe to five points wins Immunity and a picnic reward. Sarita and her tooth sit out for Zelig.

Stephanie and David launch the balls for Zelig and it’s obvious that this is supposed to be part of David’s plan to have Stephanie Zelig her reputation in a more positive light. But between ex-NFL receiver/Yoga Instructor Grant’s Scorpion Pose and his stop-and-go route, he doesn’t make an Asana of himself and catches four of the five balls need to win. Defending him is Mike, who can only tear Grant’s shirt off of him while trying to hold. So when all of the shouting and finger-pointing is done, Omerta shuts out Zelig five to zip.

Pic-a-nic Basket – While Zelig enjoys their picnic lunch, Rob spots a Clue to the HII next to the centerpiece and sends a telepathic message to Grant that causes him to see and grab the Clue. There’s no “pick and roll” this time, but both men surreptitiously leave the table to read the Clue in private. While they’re focused on the Clue, Phillip sneaks up on them and catches them in the act, demanding that they share the information because he’s in the alliance too, dammit, and he’s “all about integrity”... and tending the fire; let’s not forget the fire.

Now this thought is a little out of left field, but just go with it. Two and a Half Men. Charlie Sheen out, Phillip Sheppard in. Phillip would be The Specialist, John Cryer is the Mentalist and Angus T. Jones is The Assassin. Don’t say no just yet. Give it a couple of days to sink in. Then PM me.

“If it pleases the Tribal Council…” - Knowing that she’s in the hot seat, Stephanie decides to be demure and rational. Oops, just kidding. She calls Sarita “weak” and doesn’t think that Sarita wants to be there anymore. Steve pulls out his playbook and boils it down this way; Stephanie may be spunkier, but Sarita is more trustworthy. David continues to lobby for Stephanie, but the rest of tribe thinks Sarita speaks the tooth and send Stephanie to the Redemption Island Diner to serve it up to Miracle Matt. While David goes to file an Appeal, it seems that it’ll be separate checks at the Last Supper next week on Survivor.

Mark "Finally...!" Burnett