Uhhhhhh, okay, so what’s this all about?

(Graphic by Ingenue1983, AKA Disgruntled Editor)

How you gettin’ photographs of me in my new apartment, B!tch? And Saks could never prove anything…they gotta catch you with the stolen merchandise on you and that’s where this baby comes in handy. (lovingly pats handlebars of Hoverround, the tires of which are looking mighty low from carrying all that weight.)

You must have been that editor responsible for makin’ me look overweight. Cause, uhh, okay, listen, I’m not fat. It was all unflattering camera angles. I know I’m thinner than Jodi and Christie, and Iyanla too. I mean, uhhhhh, you know, you heard Iyanla say it herself…I smashed the stereotype of the overweight, sick, loud woman of color.

Speaking of Iyanla, girl, why aren’t you, uhhhh, you know, answering my phone calls? ’Cause I gotta tell you, working three hours a week is really tiring me out. And the owner of my apartment keeps askin’ for RENT. Fool doesn’t even know you don’t ask STARS for money. Iyanla, when is the money gonna start rollin’ in, now that I’m really really really famous? I know you get famous before you get rich, but can you give me an idea how long I gotta wait? 'Cause if I don't get money soon, I'm gonna have to call Jon Murray & offer to come back, put on my bikini, and jump in that pool to get him some ratings.

In the meantime, Iyanla, you got any rich friends who have dogs? ’Cause as you know, I’m uhhhhhh, you know, selling DOG FASHIONS on my website. Here are a couple of examples of my fashion design. You know any rich people who would pay me a lot of money for these?