LAST EDITED ON 10-16-03 AT 07:39 PM (EST)
BACK FROM THE DEAD
Mr. Amai won’t watch Survivor or Amazing Race, loathes romance crud like The Bachelor and pukes at the thought of American Idol. So much for the stuff I normally recap.
Mr. Amai reckons guys don’t watch reality tv. He says this show is great because it’s on Spike TV. If the Guys TV Network is going to do a reality show, it’s going to be about pulling a fast one. And a sophisticated fast one, not juvenile silliness like Ashdumb Krutcher is doing on Punk’d.
So Mr. Amai is enjoying The Joe Schmo Show. It’s his favorite reality tv show, besides MXC and Blind Date. He agreed to toss in a few comments for the recap, as long as they’re Mr. Amai©.
The Hutch lawyered up and returned, surprising Matt and sickening Kip. The rest of us were expecting it, thanks to the stupid ads that spoiled the surprise even before Hutch had been booted out the first time. This show’s motto? “We’ll Do Our Own Spoiling, Thank You.”
Matt refused to eat dog feces to win plasma tvs. Think of the starving children in Africa, Matt! And all the folks who say they’d do ANYthing for flatscreen!!
Mr. Amai© doesn’t care about the dog do. He only wonders what Matt & The Fake Network Exec really talked about after they kicked out the Schmarmy Schmo Host (SchmHost for short.) I’m only beginning to think Matt really is the Exec, and nobody on this show realizes it. Put Mr. Amai© on the side of the conspiracy that figured from the beginning Matt is in on it.
Molly & Ashleigh shared the unsexiest kiss. Lips met but there was enough room between their bodies to fit Brian and Matt (in their dreams anyway.) When Kip and Molly got the boot, did anyone else wonder about Kip’s camera? I thought he’d be taking final photos for his Comforting Memories Album. “Me & My Plate” “Me & My Shining Knight in His Armor of Flab” “Me & Molly Get Shafted.” Snap, snap, snap. Guess they forgot that detail.
Let’s replay Molly sharing the slurper with SchmHost so we can reshow Matt’s patented “stunned beyond stupid.”
Previews of what’s coming up just spoil the recap. Bad enough they spoiled the show.
Plotting & Planning
Matt yaps in his usual daily interview, and we’re told he doesn’t know it’s the last day. How many days does he think are left? Meanwhile, cast & crew assemble in their van for all-important last-minute instructions. Director Dude tells everyone to not tip their hand. (And with guidance like that, it’s no wonder everyone screwed up.) Here’s a gem in the Vaguely Ominous Tidbit Without Substance Category: “A PA who wasn’t thinking and didn’t check where Matt was, brought someone in and nearly revealed all. It’s been corrected, just be careful.”
“Has been corrected” means they sent the PA to the Siberia of the TV industry (i.e., Toronto.) But who was the mysterious guy whose presence nearly ruined everything? How was it all explained to Matt? Why are they all coy and secretive now? Maybe it’s part of the Parody Process.
At lunch, Matt, Ashley and Hutch endure Brian Babble about sharing a frat closet with another guy for $125 total rent. Have you noticed it’s always Brian who’s interrupted by SchmHost? The Big News is after lunch there will be a Sudden Death Eviction. No Immunity Ceremony. No One Will Be Safe. Matt Over-Reacts As Usual.
Hutch and Brian together DR about how ill Matt looked. Brian says that next time, they should let a guy get a meal down before dropping a bomb like that. Why? So he has more to throw up? And why do we need DRs from the cast on this stuff? It’s got to be because it’s a double-cross, double-agent thing. Soon the Parody Tables Will Be Turning! Joke will be on the other foot!
Brian drops something, and surreptitiously leans over, picks it up and eats it. Eww. Aren’t they feeding them enough? Was that in the script? And if so, isn’t it something The Asshole would do, rather than The Buddy?
Ashley is called for her “interview” so the three guys start plotting. Matt says Ashley has a BMfuckingW, so she should get evicted. That reason sucks even on a parody of a reality show. Especially on a parody. Can’t they come up with some new reasons, new material? I guess it’s why the trillion ads say it’s a “near-perfect” parody.
Brian tells Hutch he doesn’t trust him as far as he can throw this house. Oh ha at the sly hint at “This House Of Cards."
Brian is “stolen” away for an "interview." Plotting music plays, so Hutch plots with Matt. Is it to make an alliance before Ashley goes or after? Does it even matter? Hutch tells Matt the friendship with Brian will continue no matter what, so it’s okay to boot out your Buddy. Matt appears to agree but seems ill. He tells us he’s ill. Hutch tells us Matt is ill. Can we get some more confirmation on this? I’m not sure we heard it enough yet.
Hutch DRs that even tho Matt hates his guts, he’s ready to break alliances to win. More pointless DRs from the cast! We’re being set up for sure.
As Ashley and Matt eat a lunch that looks like it came from an episode of Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, she takes a stab at forging an alliance. She complains about doing interviews. Matt says, “Imagine living it and talking about it for 5 months.” Mr. Amai© notices Matt rubbing his eyes like “Aw f#ck I shouldn’t have said that.” Ah-ha, more grist for the conspiracy mill.
Matt says he doesn’t think he’s gonna win the money. She whispers, “Who are you gonna vote for? You know who should vote for.” Matt miserably says, “Brian?” She nods and points out that they’re too close. “It is not about friendship. He’s not gonna be mad.” Right.
Matt says he feels ill. Thanks, I was joking. It was impossible to miss all the other 300 mentions. He doesn’t want to vote out his “boy.” Ashleigh says Brian’s not smart. Matt says Brian is smart and cue flashback of Brian displaying his intelligence by dropping his pants and jumping up & down.
“And Hutch,” continues Ashley, “works in a mall.” Matt replies that he himself works in a pizza shop. Hutch also isn’t that smart of a guy. “He’s smart,” says Matt and now he’s just whining. Ashley states, “There are two smart people left and they’re in this room right now.” Oh, you mean you and Matt. Haha.
Matt recraps what we just saw. He knows what he has to do. Why is he all vague all of a sudden? Every other week he spelled out what he was gonna do. Why so shy now?
Sudden Death Eviction
After ads, the four gather in the Riches to Rags Eviction Room. Enter SchmHost wearing the pimp immunity robe. Everyone looks shifty-eyed now. SchmHost makes his usual speech about Leaving High Society and Returning to Sad Existence Working For The Man. Mr. Amai© still laughs at that line. I laugh at him laughing but the line itself got old in Ep 2.
Camera pans over the 4 remaining plates. Hutch’s plate is glued together and there’s a green bit of something on his forehead. Now that is funny. Mr. Amai©: “What’s with Hutch’s sweatbands? How 70s.”
SchmHost: “None of you are safe because I’m wearing the robe. The votes can’t be changed, debated or overturned (unless your name is Hutch.) Choose wisely.”
Heartbeat drum music a la Survivor for the vote. Mr. Amai© reckons Brian the Buddy is toast. Tense Castlevania-type music plays for SchmHost to go collect the votes. For the vote reveal, it’s back to the Jungle Music. You know, the music is a subtle parody effect and I like it more than some of the blatant repetitious jokes.
Although her name isn’t spelled the same way twice on the scrunched up scraps of brown wrapping-paper votes, it’s goodbye B!tch. She voted for Matt and he gives her his Stunned Beyond Stupid Glare©
Ashley’s Final Words
Ashley serves her plate to SchmHost and says a few words. Music shifts to Melodramatic Soap Opera. “Well well well. Some little boys’ club. I can see why you’d wanna vote me off. I’m the stronger of the sexes and obviously I’m the only one that has any balls here. Matt, been trying to vote me off for a few days now?” He nods sheepishly yet like he’s not into transsexuals.
“Brian, you’re a clown.” “Thank you,” says he. (LOL!) She says, “Clowns never win.” “I’m not leaving now tho.” (Mr. Amai©: LOL)
“Hutch? Honey, you work at a mall, and you make $6.75 an hour. I kinda can’t wait to watch you carry bags out to my Beamer.” Hutch: “I can’t wait to watch your sundress walk out this door.” Me either. A walking sundress! Alright!
SchmHost spiels, “Ashleigh, Ashes To Ashes Dust To Dust You’re Dead To Us.” “Could I keep my plate?” “No.” (Mr. Amai© laughs! And again during the replay 2 hours later.) SchmHost makes sure B!tch’s plate completely shatters in the fireplace. She gives a tearful look as if to say, “I guess he really doesn’t love me.”
What Does Matt Really Know?
Matt DRs that he remembers being mad at the one guy on Survivor who didn’t vote Tina Wesson off, but now he “understands” cuz “Brian” is his “friend.” Well, finally somebody agrees with what I’ve been saying all these years about Colby’s motivation. But since when does Matt know even this much about Survivor?
Back From The Dead
SchmHost tells the guys the final ceremony will be here at the mansion in a few short hours. “We’ve invited back a few familiar faces” is the cue for the Dead to Arise. Gina, Earl, Dr. Pat, Molly, Kip and newly-slaughtered Ashley return from Being Dead To Us. (Music is at fever pitch.) “Your former housemates will be deciding your fate. They will decide who wins Lap of Luxury and who gets the $100,000.” (Are those two separate things, the L.O.L. and the $$, I wonder?) (Matt mugs in surprise for the camera, shaking his head in disbelief.) “Enjoy your few remaining hours here at the mansion.” SchmHost makes it sound like a death sentence. Ha! Soon they’ll all be dead to us and I can get back to my sad existence recapping for the Man.
What Does Matt Really Know? Part 2
After the Dead leave, the three finalists stand around looking gormless. Matt tells Brian and Hutch he knew something weird was going on today from the second he opened his eyes. How did he know? HOW?
While Ads Play, We Talk
Mr. Amai© finds it fascinating that Matt remembers details of his housemates’ lives and calls them on the discrepancies in their stories. It’s proof that someone is helping him remember. Now that I’m buying into the idea, I reckon it will turn out Matt had a tiny transmitter to help catch details like Molly on the Texas/ Wisconsin story. Matt can’t possibly be smarter than we first thought. Can he?
Extra headings are what help make it a “parody” recap.
Can Anyone Win?
Matt interviews that it’s mind-boggling about how he and Brian are friends and awful strategists and have made it to the end. If Matt really is pulling a fast one, he’s doing the best, well, a reasonably good job, at staying in character. A doofus, excuse me, “schmo” to the last. They’re sitting around the living room whining that no one wants them to win. But somebody’s gotta win, right? Hutch joins them, saying he thinks Brian and Matt will split the vote. “Ashley knows,” he goes. “Ashley is on to you.” Matt, stupefied, gives Hutch the ole Stunned Beyond Stupid Glare©, “What do you mean, on to me?” Is Matt worried Ashley has figured out Matt is a double-agent? Yeah, what DOES Matt mean, “On to me?”
Matt Might Be Giving Something Away
The three continue to try to figure out who will vote for whom, a conundrum that’s proving too much. Anyway, it’s just a cue to recrap Kip Going Berserk and Molly Making GooGoo Eyes. Brian explains to us that they’re trying to get Matt to talk about the vote. Oh is that what it was. Brian says he and Hutch were nervous about Matt’s reaction. Reaction to what?
Matt says, “It’s over, it’s out of our hands.” He puts his feet up on the sofa and smiles strangely, “Not getting any more good tv out of us, dude.” Is it just me or is Matt looking decidedly secretive and like he’s looking forward to having fun yanking chains and revealing secrets?
Dressed for Suckcess
The three walk down the hall, arm in arm. Matt is dressed up in a suit and tie, and actually looks quite good. He looks more like a network exec than the Network Exec did. Brian has a suit but no tie and his shirt is undone. Hutch looks like a clown in a jacket over an unbuttoned striped shirt and no tie, with a kerchief round his head and those idiotic sweatbands on his wrists.
Dinner Chez Gaspé
Their places are set with their special plates. Hutch whines, “I gotta eat off this piece of sh!t?” Isn’t he a riot? Brian says, “I am NOT an attractive dinner plate.” No Brian, you’re not, but at least you’re not deluded about it.
SchmHost welcomes them to the Last Supper. Hutch now regrets throwing his plate into the fire. SchmHost asks them to raise glasses for a toast. “Here’s to your final night in the L.O.L. mansion. Two of your peers on their way out but one of you will be $100,000 richer.” That Mole Music plays and I consider switching to CNN to see if Anderson is doing the news. I miss Coopie.
“We started with a moment of silence,” says Matt. “Let’s take one more and appreciate what we have.” Every single moment is reflected in the music. Now it’s “regular” creepy music, as dinner is served.
Brian asks what’s everyone’s frame of mind. Matt drops a bomb as he says, “I don’t know what’s real anymore. That network exec guy – was he an actor?” Gasps audible cap-G Gasps in the production room! We even change scenes to watch the production staff Gasping. Brian and Hutch are silent. Brian stares stupidly (as always, but not patentably) at Matt, while Hutch suddenly finds his dinner plate extremely fascinating.
Hutch DRs, “Matt, please don’t pull a .35 millimeter out.” while thinking, “Cuz that’s what *I’m* planning to do when I don’t win. Don’t you dare steal my thunder!”
Again, it’s an excuse to run Recrap, this time of Matt with Fake Exec. Brian DRs that as an actor he’s asking himself, “Should I dig deeper or back up?” Maybe if he tried asking himself as a human being he’d get a rational answer. But probably not. Anyway, he decided to back off, probably afraid if he started he wouldn’t be able to stop, and would be the one to give the whole game away, riffing on how fake everyone is.
Matt asks if anyone has any final words before they go up to their rooms. Mr. Amai© is certain this is more proof that Matt is pulling a fast one on everyone else. I agree, now. It looks like he’s trying to get people to commit to something, or to do or say something that would add in some way to the show. No one has a final word. Just glad to be here. The threesome have a hug, and a smooch, and a little hands on rumps. Okay maybe just the hug. More ads, more previews. This show is so intent on spoiling itself it don’t need no ChillOne.
Matt says if he wins, he won’t have to worry so much about money. He wants a house, a girl and a dog. But no kids, cuz that would spoil the ambience heh heh.
The three amigos come down the stairs in slo-mo (to increase dramatic tension) and file into the Riches to Rags room to await their fate. Doomsday music plays, just like in video games when you enter a room of shadows and some monster is about to jump out with gore dripping from its mouth. Oh wait, Hutch is already here, one of the finalists.
SchmHost has on a bow tie and looks stupider than ever, if that’s possible. He spiels: “For two of you the Vacation is Over. For one it’s Just Beginning. We’ve already Given Out some wonderful prizes. Ash & Kip are off to Tahiti on Moo Goo Guy Pan Airlines. Dr Pat is going to a U-Spa and with $25 grand in her pocket should be able to do better than Hutch. Everyone got a flatscreen tv. Now it’s time to award the L.O.L. Grand Prize. Say hello Brian Matt Hutch to your old housemates, Back From The Dead!”
Kip, wearing a ridiculous green scarf, takes a seat and pulls his feet up onto his chair – no style, him. Should be a dead giveaway, gay man with no style. Molly has on bright red lipstick, and the shortest, most cleavage-revealing dress of all the ladies’ formal black gowns. Earl has on a suit & tie, but where are his veteran medals & stuff?
The UnDead To Us get to ask their versions of idiot jury questions and then the Final 3 make final pleas to be named win-ir and get given the $100,000.
Gina goes first. “If you were a participant on a reality program contest, what strategy would you implement to make it to the finals?” HaHa. “If you were a participant…” Heh. So much for not tipping her hand.
Brian would use the same strategy he used here which is no strategy.
Matt launches into a recitation of his entire stay in the house, which we already heard three times tonight. He says he leads his life like he led this game (hmm is that another hint I hear, perchance?)
Hutch: Be Hutch.
Earl begins by commending all three on having fought well. He has a two-part question, which is to say he has two completely unrelated questions. “If you were captured by an enemy force, starved, beaten, abused physically, sexually, mentally and tortured, would you give up info to the enemy about your men and your country? And what was your favorite game in the house?” Haha ho ho ROFL. There’s nothing to add to that. What a beaut. Now that’s what parody is all about.
Matt: No. I pride myself on not turning my back on those who love & support me. I’d be tried & true to the cause I was fighting for. I’d figure that after the beatings eventually you’re going to die or they’re going to kill you. So die with pride intact. Favourite game was the Money Honey game partially thanks to partner I did have fun.
Brian doesn’t reckon he has the courage that Earl has, so can’t say he’d be as brave. Favorite game was Lick the Chocolate off the Model. She was lovely and that is an experience that undoubtedly will never happen again.
Hutch: “No, and Hands On The Hooker.”
Ads. Every speech Matt makes is more long-winded than the last. Matt talks too much. Shut up dude.
Dr Pat is all pseudo-psychiatrist, and wants to know who out of the 9 of them would their inner child choose as a playmate.
Hutch’s would choose Dr. Pat and did.
Brian would choose Matt cuz he’s somebody he can relate to.
Matt would choose everyone except Dr. Pat and Ashley. “On the fun level Brian cuz we get along. My horny inner child would choose Molly. horny inner child? Haha but eww! The one that needs a Parent would choose Earl. Kip would be a lot of fun to play with so can we have a threesome? Hutch to beat up on.”
Molly asks the “would you donate to Charity” question.
Brian yes, a small amount to a charity close to him. (i.e. him?)
Matt "I’m a charity case myself." Right you ARE, Matt He won’t guarantee he’d give anything, maybe more than he usually does, like $5 instead of $1.
Hutch would donate to the Get Hutch A Sports Car Fund. (aka the Hutch Fresh Air Fund.)
Kip asks them each to sum up their experience in the house in an analogy.
Matt "It’s very similar to going to see Terms of Endearment because that movie has it all: comedy, drama, love, death (you’re dead to us.) Yeah." Mr. Amai© says, “Isn’t that a chick movie?”
Hutch "I’m like Sisyphus pushing the rock up the hill." Matt looks perplexed.
Brian "Like the Sword of Damocles is hanging over my head, hanging by a thread thank you for not cutting it." Matt looks Stunned Beyond Stupid©.
Ashley wants to know why someone like her should vote for someone like them.
Hutch "You don’t deserve it and I do."
Brian "I don’t know. You should vote for me cuz I’d sure appreciate it."
Matt "I just wanna have a nice life and you’ve been on trips and you’re very worldly. Someone like you should vote for someone like me so I could share some of the experiences you’ve had." Yeah that’ll win her over.
Brian says he's not smart but he’s smart enough to realize they’ve already made up their minds. He wants them to vote for him but “no hard feelings” if they don’t. He says he had a great time and I think he did, too.
Matt addresses each in turn. He was hurt by Gina’s vote and didn’t sell her out. He honestly believes he’s better for having met Earl and enjoyed spending a night in bed with him (laughs all round). That goes for Dr Pat as well. He gives Molly the benefit of the doubt and admits to being jealous when she kissed Ralph. When Kip called him his Knight in Shining Armour it made him beam. (I really didn’t think Matt was gay, but he’s pushing the envelope here.) He does a lousy job of sucking up to Ashleigh, telling her she has some things to work on. “Win or lose I feel like I won. That’s it.”
Hutch “You guys hate me. There’s a bit of Hutch in all of us. Think about that, think about who played this game. Maybe that’s who should win the money.”
Gratefully it’s Time for The UnDead to Vote
After Ads, it’s Time for the UnDead to Vote for the One Housemate they’d like To Win. They are to bring the vote papers with them and to reveal when called upon. Survivor-esque music accompanies the treks to the voting area to play with the big fluffy pen. After voting Ashley primps in a mirror.
“Gentlemen, the decision has been made,” intones SchmHost for the 3rd time this episode, but it’s not a preview. This Time It’s For Real. Matt again looks pole-axed. He’s overdoing it now. Each UnDead is to explain the reasoning, if any, behind the vote and then reveal it.
Ashley – I believe he is the only one that has any potential - Hutch
SchmHost should have summarized the one vote. That would have been great parody.
Kip This was not a very hard decision. This person (what’s with the “this person” stuff? They’re all guys) made me laugh and made me cry and protected me when I needed him. Matt.
SchmHost summarizes. Oh just like Jif. It’s not a parody now cuz Jif already does it on Survivor
Haha – look at the UnDead holding their votes in front of them. They should have devised special LoL chains with clips so they could hang the votes around their necks.
Molly chose This Person because no matter what the situation he lightened it when he opened his mouth. Did “this person” swallow a flashlight? Brian
Gina has respect for all who but her vote is for the candidate (ooooh – someone has a vocabulary!) who never lost sight of the true focus of why they’re here. Hutch
Earl voted for the man squared away and strack period. (I listened twice and couldn’t untangle that word jumble. Anyone?) Matt
SchmHost summarizes and adds that either the next vote will decide it or make it a 3 way tie.
Dr. Pat voted for the most real, the person who has been true to himself and to all of us and deserves this the most.
To be continued….
SchmHost voices over that if you think you know how it’s going to end, you’re dead wrong.
Is that the sound of champagne corks popping or guns? That’s definitely Matt whimpering, “What is going on?” Tune in Next Week for Season Finale of the Joe Schmo Show.
Mr. Amai© gets the last word: “I didn’t think they could squeeze one more show out of it. Un-F#cking-Believeable.”