LAST EDITED ON 12-18-14 AT 02:33 PM (EST)Two items of note, the EPMB has been released into the world to continue his evil ways, and we had to vacate his Malibu Beach House when they called in a SWAT team. Roma cried and cried, but she wouldn’t sign over the deed, so I had to leave.
But no matter, we had fun, and now we have all regrouped on our little unspecified island in our little unspecified sea to celebrate the end of another season of Survivor. I, your ever faithful Breast Mode Spoiler, and my loyal band of groping groupies, the really really raunchy students of the Really Really Really Raunchy Girl’s Finishing School of Gastro-Intestinal Warfare and Sexual Positional Exploitation (they rewrote the text for this curriculum, “The Kama Sutra” ver. 2.0, and added Appendices A thru Z), have collected the final (for this season) batch of super smart and always accurate spoilers, most of which were blurted out by production crew during climatic sexual moments and also during some especially explosive BM movements.
Nicaraguan food isn’t always virus free, and my girls have learned how to use those viral and bacterial elements as weapons of emissive destruction for the purpose of extracting secret information during the induced climatic BM moments. Because of the delicate nature of my audience, I will not delve further into these details, other than to say that these techniques do reduce the victim to a pitiful mess whose pleas for relief and offers to reveal all that they know definitely show how effective they are.
CIA agents involved in international terrorist torture are currently sitting in on classes at my Girl’s Finishing School in order to learn these techniques, but so far the distractions of the classroom, specifically the total nudity of their fellow students (my nubile spoiler agents) and their non-stop cuddling has been non-productive for them. Or so they claim in their repeated requests to repeat the courses.
Anyway, this season has come to an end and all that is left is the celebration. And no matter how often we do this, the post Survivor Seasonal celebration is always the Pièce de résistance, and our reason for being.
But before we immerse ourselves in ribald revelry, here are the final spoilers. We have cleaned, disinfected, and sterilized each one, and you can be sure that you won’t get a bug – unless you’re withholding information!!!
Super Smart and Sterile Spoiler #1; Missy only thought she was having a bad day at the final TC, but Reed managed to make it way worse when he chopped her legs off at the knees, both her damaged leg and her good leg. And, as a post script, the Evil Step-Mother Anti-Defamation League has filed a series of lawsuits against Reed.
Super Smart and Sterile Spoiler #2; Probst is also in legal trouble after declaring that Reed’s flaying of Missy at the final TC was the most extreme in Survivor history. Sue Hawk contends that equating Missy to an evil step mother pales in comparison to her Snakes and Rats speech in which she hoped that Kelly (another contestant) would be eaten by vultures. And for my money, she has a point.
Super Smart and Sterile Spoiler #3; A point of curiously has been cleared up, Wes was adopted by Keith from a travelling band of Howler monkeys.
Super Smart and Sterile Spoiler #4; After the broadcast, a number of the lesser Survivor awards were passed out, and Alec won the “Gaping Mouth Dumbass” award. Jacklyn won the “Cleans Up Real Good” award.
Super Smart and Sterile Spoiler #5; One wonders how Probst can be so enthusiastic about Survivor after 29 seasons. The truth can be revealed. He just doesn’t want a tie wearing job. And that’s it. He’d be just as happy being a plumber, even though then he’d have to buy his own shirts.
Super Smart and Sterile Spoiler #6; Finally the biggest reason Fat Nat was the winner can be revealed: Nadia was booted first. If the other contestants and the TV audience had been subjected to the bickering between those two on screen, neither would have had a chance. So, what it comes down to is, the biggest mistake the other contestants made was to boot Nadia.
Tribe puts me in my happy place.
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