Welcome to my home, the Breast Mode Lair. No one usually comes here without a specific invite, but once in a while a court order from the city inspectors forces me to throw a party and open my doors to my most trusted friends, who are told to consider it quite an honor to be invited. After my last hoarder intervention I decided to bestow upon the aforementioned most trusted friends the honor of attending an annual “Clean Out The Pigsty (COP) Party” and allow them to relocate my keepsakes along with the piles of moldy TV dinner remnants and empty whisky bottles to the island dump for recycling.
Most attended without the use of force or trickery as a small bribe was usually sufficient. For some, a trail of stale burritos worked well. Of course they were asked to leave their wine bottles and shopping carts outside, and submit to a delousing before they could enter, but they were assured that after the glorious party they could reclaim all their stuff and return to their places in the various alleys and card box houses around town.
My charges, the fabulous Girls from the Really Really Really Raunchy (and Really Really Fabulous) Girls Finishing school of Sex, Sabotage, and Sneakiness, were too busy to attend, they were out gathering the super accurate spoilers that are the meat and potatoes (potatos?) of our business.
This week they began experimenting with disguises. With amazing success. That monkey sitting in the trees around camp, listening, watching, hearing - ever present? Yep, that was Vivica. Pretty good, huh? And that lizard that was sneaking around and following the unsuspecting subjects wherever they went? That was Mo’ney. Mo’ney wore that suit for Halloween, but she looked so good and so realistic that we decided to try it on the Island.
I bet you didn’t spot that little Latina Firecracker, Chicka
Esquandrilla (oops, no last names), in that pointy rock formation by Exile Island costume. She never moved but she reported all the details of the things that happened on Exile Island. There wasn’t much to report there this week, though, unless bitchin’ and moaning by Germy amuses you. Still, I couldn’t have done it.
On with the show, this is it!
Fabulous Spoiler #1: Josh took his canteen with him after he was voted off last week. So they revoted and booted him again, this time literally. With their boots. They actually did this three times, just to rub it in. They have so little, and life in camp is tough enough without losing stuff.
Fabulous Spoiler #2: Speaking of Toe Jam, a couple of hermit crabs took up residence in Missy-take’s boots this week. Finally, an appropriate use of cowboy boots in a sand beach camp. Also, we learned that a hermit crab is capable of delivering quite a pinch to the tootsies when his home is invaded. Good for him.
Fabulous Spoiler #3: During a reward challenge Baylor kicks her mom to the mud pit curb twice, leaving the poor lady in tears.
Missy-take> “You were in my belly and I brought you into this world! I changed your diapers, I wiped your little bottom, and this is how you treat me?” (sob sob sob). “I should have named you Mizzou-ery!”
Baylor> “Get lost old lady, you’re no use to me anymore, you old crone, I’m taking over now and you should just eat mud” (slappy slap slap down). “
Fabulous Spoiler #4: Jacklyn, covered in mud, lying in a mud pit. I have a new item for my bucket list.
Fabulous Spoiler #5: The tribe noticed the toenail polish on Baylor’s toes after her mysterious absence from the camp one night. It was the same color as the weird marks on Jeff’s forehead. Tongues are wagging.
Fabulous Spoiler #6: Beach crabs are ROFLing with glee after giving Germy a fright on Exile Island. They did their Scarey Shakey Crab dance and backed him into the surf where he cowered for two days. He has not been the same since. Beach crabs can be mean. Funny, but mean.
Tribe puts me in my happy place.