Hello Hello Hello! Your rusty trusty reporter here, with the latest and the greatest, and most importantly, the bustiest.
Back again from the wilds of Sumatra. Or Bali. Or (what? We’re where? Oh Yeah.) We’re coming to you from the really really very very wild jungles of San Juan Del Sur (Waitress, I’ll have a Gin and Tonic, please, with Bombay and two limes? Make it a double? And make it two? Lots of ice? Thanks, nice mangos on that, like watching two …oh yeah, where were we?) where we are baking in the hot sun, no food for days, unsheltered from the torrential monsoon rains, and surrounded by wild animals (I’ll be more specific about that later, but believe the wild part) and with civilization thousands of miles away (no, I specifically ordered no avocado on those nachos, take them back and bring me what I ordered!).
Life is rugged in these parts, but we are dedicated to bringing you the most accurate spoilers that our Really Really Raunchy and Really Really well-endowed and Really Really wild (ref. earlier reference) Girl graduates from the Really Really Really Raunchy Girl’s finishing school of Moonshine, MonkeyShine, and Knob Polishing (a side business, we do contract work for the door industry. Why what were you thinking? Shame!) can deliver thru our tree top monkey express delivery system.
I just opened the latest feces ball (I did mention that it was a monkey delivery system? Don’t worry, We wash our hands.) and here, without further ado, are the spoilers you have been waiting for:
Monkey poop spoiler #1: Nat will find the missing flint in the crack of her ass. It’s very understandable that it wasn’t found before this, when you lose something there, finding it again is kinda like finding a specific grain of sand in the Sahara.
Monkey poop spoiler #2: Jon wins the Hero challenge, and has to decide who to send to Exile Island with his slightly skinned up but still very delectable girlfriend, Jacklyn. So he picks Drew, the self-proclaimed ladies’ man (an admission made in an aside while Jacklyn is leaning over in a deep cleavage revealing pose). Repeating; Jon sends his BF to be alone for a night or two on a deserted island with his GF. This is, of course, a device used in ever how many movies, romance novels, and soap operas. Jon is just not all that bright.
Monkey poop spoiler #3: Fortunately for Jon, Drew is even dumber. Dumberer. Drew apparently has no knowledge of the things that would get him booted from the tribe, such as;
1. Never think that, hint that, and especially do not exclaim out loud to the tribe and to Jeff and to the world that you are the tribe’s leader. Claims that you are the badass, the master manipulator, and the kingpin just deepen that hole. Drew does this.
2. Corollary to #1, never claim that you are the only one on the tribe with balls. Figurative or not. It just is never a good idea to do that. Girls don’t like to be told that they don’t have balls, and guys like to believe that they do have them. Drew does this.
3. Never use the “throw a challenge” strategy. Especially without the rest of the tribe being in on it. Drew does this.
4. Don’t try and Boink your best friend’s girlfriend, even if you’re left alone on a deserted beach with her, and even if all she’s wearing is a bikini with a loose fitting bra and a penchant for bending over. (Yeah, like we really believe that this bozo didn’t try something. I'm sure he does this too.) I mean, I understand the temptation, but that stray caress could cost a million dollars.
Monkey poop spoiler #4: Keith quote; "I am not a brain surgeon." Keith is a master of the obvious.
Monkey poop spoiler #5: Natalie quote, “We’re a hot mess!”. This needs to be explained. You see, the island food has caused a little bit of a loose BM problem with Nat, and everywhere she sits is a hot mess. There is a Survivor sterilization crew that follows Nat around at TC and at the challenges. This was required by the San Juan Del Sur Sanitation Department.
Monkey poop spoiler #6: Survivor producers are required to issue "Tsunami Natalie" alerts for the coasts of central and south America before all water challenge events.
Tribe puts me in my happy place.