LAST EDITED ON 10-06-11 AT 08:20 PM (EST)

While Jim and Cochran plot to break up the Indian Maiden and Dolphin love connection by evicting Elyse, Brandon continues his
“7-11 Big Gulpa Mea Culpa Tour”.

Edna decides to run for “Most Popular” and Stacey holds her end up to the tune of 140 lbs, but with disastrous results. Albert remains nearly invisible and Coach attempts to talk Brandon down from the ledge.

That’s the teaser. Now go forth and mock, taunt and represent. No Semhar poetry, that’s my lament.
------------------

Survivorism - Our saga opens with Ozzy and Elyse cuddling in their hammock during “story time”. “Tell me, big boy” coos Elyse, “is everyone in your family as athletic and outdoorsy as you are?” “No,” says Ozzy. “When I was a little dolphin growing up with my pod, I was really into survivorism.”

“Survivorism?” asks Elyse, with one eyebrow arched towards the sky. Ozzy says, “Not ‘survivalism’, because that would be a real word, but ‘survivorism’”. “I’ve been training to be on this show since I was six years oId. I taught myself to climb trees, swim like a fish and find Hidden Immunity Idols while remaining totally oblivious to the social aspects of the game.” Elyse blushes and flutters her eyelashes lustfully. “Wow, who knew?” Satisfied that Elyse is under his spell, Ozzy turns toward her and mutters, “Hey babe. Will you rub my ventral fin? A little lower? A little faster? Ooh, that’s good.”

As Ozzy tail walks out of the hammock in ecstasy, Jim has been hiding in the bushes and eavesdropping on the encounter. He’s also been indulging in a guilty pleasure that has brought men and women joy since the beginning of time. Not that, you perverts. Strategizing. Jim confessionalizes that they need to blunt Ozzy’s power or he may make a run just like Boston Rahb has in the past. And no one wants to see Ozzy appear on four editions of Survivor, two TARs, Ozzy and Elyse: Against the Odds, Reality Obsessed, Around the World in 80 Ways and several Boston Red Sox locker room security camera feeds. Really, Mariano is so publicity hungry that he’d appear at the Grand Opening of a tuna can.

Jim runs to Cochran and tells the Pale Stranger that he’s going to share his whole strategy. Apparently, Jim’s whole strategy is to get rid of Elyse because Elyse is a variable and Jim likes constants. Constants make sense, like poker playing and medical marijuana dispensaries. Jim’s only regret in this Swiss watch movement of a plan is that Elyse is so friggin’ hot and it would be a shame to lose the view. In response, Cochran volunteers to put on a seaweed wig and take one for the team. Very “Little Miss Sunshine” of him. Jim does a spastic Mayweather-Ortiz boxing flurry while Cochran flinches and the two agree that it’s a “Survivor move”.

Hugh Grant Apology Tour – Brandon mobilizes his camera crew and confesses that the game of Survivor is “jacked up” when it comes to peoples’ feelings. He admits that his pride has been his downfall and vows to be a better person, a better player, a better Survivor. Unfortunately, no one steps up and tells him that he only gets one entrée and one side dish. You can’t be a better Survivor and a better person. Push Divine Brown out of the car, make your apologies and move along.

Instead, Brandon apologizes to Coach, his torch and Mikayla for the twentieth time. Sensing that there’s no upcoming Jay Leno appearance, Brandon sidles over to Edna and tries to tell her that people that she’s trusted haven’t been entirely honest with her and she’s not In with the Core 5 of the In Crowd.

“A Core 5. . . not a Core 6?” asks a distressed Edna. Seeing the start of a core meltdown, Brandon tries to calm her. “Umm… there are all kinds of cores. The Marine Corps, Apple’s Core 2 Duo even with the loss of Steve Jobs, the Council Of Racial Equality, Michael Kors. So, do you accept my apology?” “Yes,” says Edna, “but I’m a little upset about the Core 5.”

Much like Dawn, we start to see the wheels turning in Edna’s head as she plots to ingratiate herself with her tribe in order to spare herself the snuffing.

Rock of Ages - Over at Skivvies, Dawn tells us that “Being Mormon, I’ve never felt comfortable swimming in just my underwear and bra. I don’t even know if mine are see-through and Matt Stone and Trey Parker can’t be reached for a ruling! But I think what concerns me most is my age.” Am I the only one who gets that tingly feeling on the back of his neck when someone says, “Being *blank*, I’ve never *blanked*…” It seems like a Foreshadowing Fiesta is on the way. Dawn also asks the crucial question, “Am I the Rudy on this tribe?”At least she didn’t compare herself to Special Agent Pink Panties.

Duel Sandbagged - The members of Skivvies fight not to go to Low Rent Arena to witness the Duel. As Jim and Cochran head off, Ozzy mocks Jim’s devotion to strategy which irks Dawn. In the Arena, Brandon and Edna represent Undies, while Cochran and Jim reluctantly ride up for Skivvies. Jiffy tries to stir up some drama between Papa Bear and the tribe that sent him to Calorie Reduction Island. Papa Bear declares that Cochran and Jim both know that as soon as he gets back into the game that he’s immediately going to the other tribe and giving them “anything that they need”. Based on what we’ve seen so far, that would include a four hour demo of how to correctly sleep in a hammock. Brandon takes this opportunity to apologize to Christine, completing the Apology Master Collection and winning the toaster oven.

The Duel involves tossing sandbags and having them land on top of various crates. The first person to get one bag on each of the ten crates stays on beautiful Redemption Island, home of the “Beyond Redemption Tropical Fruit Punch” adult beverage. Christine starts out with an early lead as inexplicably, both contestants think that in this race they have to wait their turn before lofting their sandbags. The competition is close until Christine finally nails number ten and sends Papa Bear to the Ponderosa. This is surprising as you would have thought that Papa Bear would have had lots of practice dropping his sand bags on top of young, willing crates, but it just wasn’t his day.

Asian Stereotype Triad - Over at Undies, Edna has determined that she can’t beat any of her tribemates at physical challenges, so her only hope is her social game, which consists of being cordial and polite to everyone. Until they want to beat her head into a fine powder. Politely. Thanks to some fine editing it seems that Edna is running around camp frantically offering to wash Rick’s clothes and massage and walk on Coach’s back. Stacey rolls her eyes hard enough to see inside her own brain and calls Edna “Ricochet Rabbit”, commenting that “that girl go on and on and on. I don’t think she have an ‘off’ switch.” Edna also takes a page from Dawn’s book and tries to become instant friends with everybody, but the pressure is too much and she makes some mistakes in the process. It’s especially noticeable when Edna asks Rick about his modeling gigs and questions Mikayla about the type of ammunition she uses when hunting buffalo. Confusion turns to extreme discomfort when the word “headshot” comes up with both people.

It’s a shame that Edna didn’t land on the Skivvies tribe, because “Woody Alien” Cochran would have been drawn to her sweet and sour personality. Without his therapist, Cochran’s insecurities are rising to the surface as he practically drools over the possibility of ousting Elyse, “devastating” Ozzy and making the “pretty people” feel less secure.

”Can I Get A Chiropractor?” The Challenge is another “accountant’s special” as three members of each tribe stand with a pole across their backs. In each round, the opposite tribe decides who to saddle with ten pound sandbags on each side. The last person standing is the winner and brings home the Immunity Idol, one rooster, two hens, three turtledoves, and a clue to the Hidden Immunity Idol. Total cost for the Challenge: $121.50. Keith, Dawn and Jim are up for the Skivvies, while Brandon, Stacey and Albert balance the bags for the Undies.

After twenty six minutes, Dawn and Stacey move up to 100 pounds, while Albert and Keith are each saddled with 180 pounds each. Albert and Keith soon drop out, while Jim and Brandon step up to 240 pounds each. J PRO excitedly tells us that this is a new Survivor record, topping the maximum weight once hoisted by Rupert, JT and Brendan. Jim and Brandon soon drop their poles, leaving Dawn and Stacey as the last remaining competitors. Under the weight of 140 pounds, the pole slides from Stacey’s shoulders to her back and finally down over her rump roast. After some quivering and quaking, Stacey can’t hold on any more and Dawn wins the contest for the Skivvies. On the walk back from the Challenge, Stacey has convinced herself that she’s strong, she’s proven herself, and that she won the Challenge, proving that her ego can bench press more than 140 pounds of truth with pure delusion.
The only problem is that she didn’t win, her tribe doesn’t have the chicken nuggets and they’re going to Tribal Council.

Back at camp, Coach is busy being Coach. He checks in with all of the tribe members and is trying to keep their confidence up. After her talk with Coach, Stacey confessionalizes that “I’m not buying Coach’s B.S. at all. I gotta lie to kick it. What that means is I gotta lie to try to ‘git in to fit in’”. Ah, I miss the good old days when we had a special NaOnka translator on staff to interpret these comments. With these budget cuts we have to wing it and hope for the best.

Brandonoia – Brandon approaches Coach and says, “Buddy, we’ve got a problem on our hands” to which Coach wearily replies, “Another one?”. As Brandon starts to recount the story that Stacey told him, Coach tells him to stop it. “If you believe somebody who’s on Death Row like Stacey knows she is, over somebody who’s in our core alliance, then you might as well throw in the towel right now,” says Coach. Mark your calendars; the Dragon Slayer speaks the truth.

Tribal Council: Frenemies Edition - When J PRO asks what happened during the Stacey and Dawn Immunity Challenge showdown, Stacey launches into a dramatic retelling of her Atlas-like struggle with the pole and the sandbags. It’s got drama. It’s got pathos. It’s got a heroine. And the heroine may be on heroin, because the story stops just short of Stacey dropping the bar and losing the Challenge.

J PRO’s “most annoying thing about this person” game brings the Brandon Hantz / Russell Hantz connection to light. Brandon gets another opportunity to defend his game play, apologize and cry.

Votes are cast and it’s Stacey who’s sent to Redemption Island. Coach whispers a suggestion that the tribe members stand and offer her hugs on the way to have her torch snuffed, but Stacey’s having none of dat. Jiffy points out the gesture, but Stacey closes out with “It’s not real. It’s not true. Everything’s been a lie.”

“I will be back.”

Mark "Entertainment on a Budget" Burnett