LAST EDITED ON 08-24-03 AT 10:31 PM (EST)

Last week on Big Brother Nate got the boot and his backstabbing ‘bedmate’ Alison was relieved. Dominatrix Julie Chen locked all the house guests into a steel cage for the Head of Household competition. Jun demonstrated that being pissed off is not just a figure of speech for her. Pretty-in-pink Erica won HOH. Now Justin and Robert are up for eviction.

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Tuesday’s Show

It’s day 42 in the Big Brother House. Seven house pests—I mean house guests—remain. They do all the usual lame strategizing and truthful lying…

Jack & Erika discuss their plans in the Desert Room. Those two are both such dry & laid back (read ‘dull’ here) characters. How fitting is it they spend most of their time in the Desert Room? Anyway, they want everybody else out and talk about what lying beyotches Jun and Ali are.

Meanwhile, Jun and Ali are lying on the living room floor, doing leg lifts that flash their crotches to the camera and take turns lying to each other. Jun’s lies to Ali are all shown in black and white flashbacks. In the Diary room, Robert calls Jun a “scum bag”.

The Three Stooges are doing their own strategizing, trying to keep their ‘Dream Team’ alive. They don’t trust either Ali or Jun, but try to bring both of them into line with their team. In a surprise move, Robert asks Ali for her word of honor that she won’t betray them! Hasn’t he been paying attention? Honor? Ali? Both Robert & Justin still trust Jee, who is sending them straight down the tubes but—you know—in an honorable kind of way.

Ali can’t figure out how to get her hooks into Jack & Erika. Erika avoids strategizing with her and Jack is, I dunno, too old for her to crawl into bed with? So she decides to do their laundry, and pops into the Desert Room. “You need anything washed guys?” she asks, wearing her skimpiest bikini and pretending to look for Nathan’s shirt.

When washerwoman Ali leaves, Jack & Erika remember a turkey sandwich and head for the kitchen. What follows is my favorite scene from Tuesday’s show. Jack brings Jun into his Dull People Alliance. As Jun leaves the kitchen Jack is holding a 10” carving knife in his right hand. “Don’t worry Jun!” he calls after her while hefting the knife. “We’ve got your back.” *heft* *heft* I LMAO. The knife drips with irony.

For most of this show, Erika wears a T-shirt that says “Fruit & Vegetables” while Ali wears one that say “Beer and Wine”. To each their own, I guess.

Ali spends a lot of time in the Diary Room complaining about what a two-faced, back-stabbing alliance hopper Jun is. As Ali says… “That’s my trick!” When it’s Jun’s turn in the Diary Room, she comments that “Hell would freeze over” if she and Ali align. Later, Hell freezes over in the hot tub as Jun and Ali seal their unholy Liars Alliance.

The HOH Competition:
“Video Veto”

All the Houseguests are sequestered in the Desert Room. One-by-one they are called into the backyard, where there are 5 cameras, 5 plasma screen TVs and large portraits of all 13 Houseguests. They have to figure out which camera goes with which plasma screen, and then line up the portraits of the 5 people who have won POV in chronological order by pointing the cameras at each portrait in the right order, then pushing a big red button to stop the clock. I know that sentence is hard to track, but at this point I don’t care anymore. Sorry.

Justin, Robert, Jun and Erika are the only ones who actually try to win, with times of 3 -4 minutes each.

Jack does a Lone Stooge routine and takes more than 18 minutes to complete this simple task. He must think the other houseguests are really stupid if he takes that long to be sure he throws the competition!

Ali aces the task, finishing in 3 minutes flat, then stands motionless by the button for another 40 seconds or so. I have time to mentally hum the complete theme music from Jeopardy: doot doot doo doo, doot doo-doo… while she waits to be sure she does not win. Very funny.

Jee pulls the same trick, still selling out his alliance, but—you know—in an honorable kind of way.

Robert, DAW extraordinaire, puts his own face up on all 5 screens because he is just so taken with himself, I guess.

Jun does the whole competition while wearing a strapless black tube top dress she is serious danger of bouncing out of. She keeps pulling the top up and holding one arm over her boobs as she runs, to try and contain them. I am so afraid she will bounce free and explode my TV screen. Anyway, despite a 2 boob handicap Jun wins.

America’s Choice

Everybody wants a letter from home. Robert wants it the most, and cries the hardest. Surprise, surprise—he wins a letter from his 7-year-old daughter Elena, who is a real sweetheart. She has a new puppy and has learned to ride a bicycle.

Later, Erika and Robert have a chat in the backyard and bury the hatchet over their past differences. This may be the rarest moment of all in Big Brother history. It appears sincere.

Power of Veto

There’s a bunch of stupid last-minute strategizing, but it means nothing and Jun declines to use the POV, which triggers the famous CBS Voice-Over: ”Who will be evicted from the Big Brother House, Robert or Justin? Find out LIVE on Wednesday, August 20th at 9 p.m. ET/PT, only on Big Brother 4!!!”

Wednesday’s Show
”The Death of the Three Stooges”
or….
"nyuk, nyuk, nyuk!!!"

Tonight is Julie night! I am giddy with excitement and rush to prepare myself. I am Julie Chen’s biggest fan, you know. I run to Target and buy tubes of body glitter. I raid my teenage daughter’s closet and dress inappropriately, just like my idol. I turn the TV on 5 minutes early to be absolutely sure I don’t miss a single second of Julie Time.

Ju-lie! Ju-lie! Ju-lie!

<stupid commercials>
<stupid BB theme music>
<stupid BB opening credits>

And then, there she is—Miss Julie Chen!!!

WTF? She is dressed like a grown-up! Kind of like I would dress on a night where I wanted to get lucky. Then I remember and smack my forehead. Of course—tonight they are evicting a Hot Guy! Julie always dresses up for the hot guy evictions. Wait a minute! You don’t think she has, like, plans for them or something do you? I mean—what would Les think?

While I contemplate Julie and this new dilemma, the show begins.

It is day 47 in the Big Brother House. The Three Stooges are commiserating about their fate. Jee explains his thoughts, using words like “loyalty,” “honesty,” “trust,” and “friends forever.” I had trouble staying focused… Robert picks his nose a lot—have you noticed? I’m thinking—who would want to eat in nose-picker-run restaurant? Oops—sorry—back to the show.

Jun is in the kitchen washing pots, and the camera admires her back. That girl looks more like a slab of bacon every day! Her bikini top string is pulled too tight, and cuts a deep slash into her back fat. Souuu-eeeeeee!

Jun and Ali have another leg-lift while lying exercise session. Didn’t they do that last week?

Jack is shown trying to pry Jee out of the Three Stooges Alliance, while the camera keeps cutting to Robert who nose-picks and mocks Jack, saying “Does he think Jee is stupid, or what?” Ummm… Yeah!

Ali tries to secure Justin’s future Jury vote by sexually assaulting him. She jumps onto him and between his legs as he lies abed, unsuspecting. Then she pulls a thick quilt over them both and does stuff under the covers while Justin yells “Yo!” “Ow, ow… OW!” “Stop!” That’s Ali—so darn loveable!

Loyal Erika sets out to screw over Jack by proposing an alliance with her ex, Robert. “Me and you,” she says, “against Ali and Jun at the end.” Robert picks his nose and looks confused. “You’re saying what?”

Ali mistrusts Erika and Robert, and thinks the whole forgiveness moment from last week’s show was fake. She and Jun laughingly agree that Robert makes a good target. Which as everyone knows means that Justin will be evicted next.

Julie is back!!!! She engages the Houseguests in the usual mindless chatter. I have trouble focusing because I am suddenly fascinated with Julie’s mouth. Her lipstick matches the piping in her black dress, which is very nice, but I think it is on crooked! The lipstick, not the dress. How bizarre!

Oops—Julie is now introducing a segment on nose-picker Robert and the women he loves. We meet his ex-wife Natasha, who is gorgeous!!! WTF? How does a scrawny guy with no eyebrows score two gorgeous women like Natasha and Erika? Natasha reveals that Robert is very charming and has a special way of talking to a woman. Also, the man can dance! She says that once Robert gets a woman to dance with him, “he has got her in the bag.”

Then we shift to Robert talking to Jee and Justin. “I don’t see myself ever settling down. I like doing a different chick every night. That makes me sound like a slut, but hey—that’s the way it is.” On behalf of all chicks in America, I shudder. Guys everywhere sign up for Salsa dance lessons.

Next Julie presents the Jury House. Robin Leach would be happy to showcase it. CBS did themselves proud on this one—it looks great! A nice 2-story beach house with a fancy seaside swimming pool, and a central courtyard with lots of potted palms, blooming ginger and fountains. I want to go there for my next vacation!

While Tequila drinking music plays in the background we see Dana walking and swimming in a tropical Paradise. But alas—the poor girl is lonely. She says, “I am just a couple of cabana boys away from Paradise here.”

Wait—who’s that knocking at the door? Why, it’s her old buddy Nathan! Lonely Dana throws herself into his arms. What a difference a week makes; last week she wanted to kill him. This week she wants to, well…

Cabana boy number one has been delivered. Is Cabana boy number two far behind?

We switch back to the BB House now, and the exciting, dramatic live eviction! Cardboard hostess Julie opens the usual stupid mystery envelope. The usual dramatic music plays. By a predictable vote of three to one, Justin is evicted! Oh, the excitement of a live eviction.

Everybody hugs like always, and Justin exits saying, “Oh God, get me out of this house.” Ali goes to pieces, Jee tears up, Jun gives Ali water to sip, Erika smoothes Ali’s hair. While this is going on, Julie must be making out with Justin because her lipstick looks even smearier when we finally go back “live.”

Julie simpers and asks Justin a bunch of stupid questions, like, will he and Dana hook back up once they can? Duh—you’re talking to Cabana boy #2 here, Julie! Dana has needs you know. Of course, Ali may have injured Justin’s precious equipment in her last minute vote-getting enterprise, so maybe not.

<A quick Old Navy cargo pants commercial. That one where Fran Dresher does her horrible nasal laugh over what a cuckold her clueless fake TV husband is. I love that commercial! Oops—back to Big Brother>

Julie now reveals the next HOH competition. The hamsters have to roll a Bocce ball down a course and into the hole formed by the “o” in HoH. Bocce ball is harder than it looks—we play that in Minnesota you know. We even know how to spell it.

Ali has announced in the Diary Room that she plans to throw the contest. Everyone else will try to win. Thoughtfully, Big Brother has given them all afternoon to practice.

Ali goes first and Julie dramatically proclaims that she has taken the lead! Julie—you idiot—no one else has had a turn yet. Of course Alison has the lead.

Jee is next up, and takes over the lead from Ali. Robert goes, Jun goes, Julie gets confused and screws up her play-by-play, but since she always does this I barely even notice.

Jack is up last. The contest is his to win or lose! A win and he and Erika are safe. A loss and the Two Stooges will have their way with him. With steady eyes and FBI-trained nerves of steel, Jack chokes. Worse yet—he sucks.

Gee whiz! Jee wins!
What a whiz!

Robert dances!

I turn off my TV, even as Julie asks the inevitable question—who will Jee nominate for eviction? Find out in a Special Episode of Big Brother on Saturday, August 23 at 8 p.m. (Or, just read below. Whatever….)

Saturday’s Show
"Let’s Make a Deal"
or
"Sandwiches Anyone?"

It’s Day 47 in Big Brotherville and the show opens with a bunch of Diary Room quips that are mostly dull as dirt. My mind glazes over.

Although Jun does spit out a great dis of Ali, and the way Ali can break into tears on cue. Jun: “Ali is a whack job. Her tears aren’t even salt. They come from a little tube behind her eye that she controls with her index finger or something.”

Almost in an aside, former FBI agent Jack puts to rest all the lingering doubts and rumors surrounding JFK’s assassination and the accuracy of the Warren Commission’s Report. Jack says Oswald acted alone, and Robert believes him—so there, America! Case settled. We can all move on now. Oliver Stone will just have to get over it. God bless Big Brother for lifting this burden from America!

Jee gathers everyone in the living room to announce that 2 more houseguests are about to be evicted. The hamsters try to look shocked. Oh—those dastardly and clever CBS editors—fooling us all like that. It’s not people, just the tortoises, Cuff and Link. Remember them? Yeah, me neither. Well maybe a little. Anyway, CBS has about two minutes of fondly lyrical slow-motion tortoise footage. Tortoises playing in the grass, tortoises eating in their cage, tortoises yawning in the dark. I start to wonder why I watch this freaking show. It’s almost half over and absolutely nothing has happened yet. Where’s the freaking twist!?!

The Naked Truth

The next topic in this themeless, wandering episode is cameras and what the hamsters think of them.

Erica: “I am pretty open and honest. I have nothing to hide—well, maybe my boobs.” shot of her boobs

Jee is worried about nocturnal farting.

But it gets better...

Ali: “The bathroom camera bothers me a lot. Sometimes my towel slips.”

Then we are treated to a shower scene. Ali is peacefully naked in the shower when her playful ex, Justin, walks in, flings open the shower door and snatches away her nearby towel. Alison is naked! And very blurry. She chases Justin around the bathroom naked for few moments, treating us to front, back and sideways views of her naked body until Justin finally gives her the towel.

Ali continues, “I worry about my naked body being all over the internet. Actually she looks quite taken with the prospect. And I would post the nekkid pictures if it weren’t for our darn PG-13 rules.

Jun “doesn’t mind people seeing me the way I am”. I think there were naked Jun pics, but I had my eyes squeezed shut.

Jee Holds Court

Jee has this strange obsession with control. He folds his underwear just so; he brushes each tooth five times; he washes each body part five times. He thinks HoH means he actually is head of the house and is owed respect, reverence and obedience from the other houseguests. What an idiot!

He holds court like a baby Godfather as the remaining houseguests file in to see him one-by-one.

When visiting Godfather Jee, each houseguest peasant must kiss his ass, plead their case, make a deal if they can, kiss his ass again, then back out of the room respectfully.

I am losing my mind because the show is freaking half over and there is no sign of the Twist yet!

Bam!

Finally, on the half hour mark—bam! Julie Chen appears on my screen. I have been lulled into complacency so I am totally stunned. Julie is dressed weirdly again—some kind of ethnic Chinese influenced sheer silk top with a matching sash in satin, rakishly tied around her waist, making her—I dunno—a Chinese Gypsy? Did I mention it is bright turquoise?

Before I have recovered from the shock of this unexpected apparition, Julie spits out the details of the Twist. The hamsters will be offered the opportunity to win the Power of Veto even before nominations are made! Okay, that’s moderately interesting. Maybe there is hope for this summary after all.

There’s a catch of course. To win the POV, a houseguest must doom the rest of the house to the dreaded peanut butter and jelly diet. One by one, the hamsters are called to the Diary Room and propositioned by Julie.

PB&J for one month, nobody takes the deal. Ali licks the POV medal to “taste” the power.

PB&J for two weeks, nobody takes the deal.

PB&J for one week. Okay—people think longer for this one. Is it a smart move to grab the power or not? Jack and Erika refuse it. Robert says “no way.” Jun declines. Ali declines. Jee, clueless Godfather Jee, accepts! Oh the stupid control freak!

Julie Chen tells Jee his decision is final and binding, then tells him very specifically “do not repeat anything discussed in this room until I announce the results a few hours from now.”

The houseguests are assembled and Julie tells them “one or more of you have accepted the offer. Beginning at midnight, everyone is on PB&J for one week.”

Robert (who has had PB&J for two weeks already) freaks out completely. He runs into the backyard, cussing and swearing, to beat his head on a metal pole. Jee goes after him.

Back in the kitchen, Jun, Ali, Erica and Jack have started gorging on fruit & meat as fast as they can. It takes them about 10 seconds to figure out Jee is the one who sold them out. All agree that Jee has screwed himself, and painted a huge target on his back.. Jun positively cackles with glee—“he’s a <bleep>head, he’s a <bleep>ing moron!!!”

Out in the compound, Robert begs Jee to put him up & vote him out. Says he can’t stand it anymore. As Ali and Erika help Jee calm down Robert, Jee casually reveals everything that Julie told him not to reveal.

Hmmmm. I wonder if there will be consequences for Jee? Tune in Tuesday at 8 p.m. ET and find out.