Average Joe Official Episode 4 Summary: Jenny Jones Would be Proud
A Story of Ditzy Models, Jealous Lovers, and... Makeovers!
Last time on Average Joe, we said goodbye to Jerry, Tareq and Brad, and started rooting for Adam. (Yes, mine is the final word on this, and no, it’s not up for discussion. 
) Then, in a *gasp* SHOCKING twist, we said hello to three new guys -models- entering the game. So, without further ado...
Let’s meet the New Joes! Shall we?
First we have Mike, who is 24, a model, and, as Zach so aptly points out, looks just like “Joe Millionaire on crack”. Actually, he happens to look a bit more feminine than Ape-man Evan, and quite humbly lets us know that he always been able to get the girl. Congratulations, dude. We’re all really impressed.
Let’s go to the Average Joes, for the first of their opinions on the matter:
John: "I just don’t know if I can compete with these guys’ looks." Um, John, honey, is there some confusion about that? I don’t know if they told you, but you’re one of the “Average” Joes. You’re... nevermind. We’ll discuss this further in the Makeover section of this week’s summary.
Jason is 26, a waiter, and has lofty aspirations to be a weatherman! And he is just so gosh dern clever, that he already has the perfect name picked out- “Jason Storm”. Oh, cute. Real cute. I suppose you saw that on TV somewhere and thought it would be funny. However, I feel obligated to let you know, that where I come from, they’re called meteorologists, and that, if you’re interested in that career, a Bachelor of Science Degree in Meteorology might be helpful. Just sayin.
Back to the AJ’s for their thoughts:
Adam feels betrayed. Can’t say I blame him.
And finally let’s meet Alex, who is a 29 year old veterinary technician, from South America. No smart-ass comments about Alex yet, but not to worry, there’s 85 minutes of show still left.
So, what does Melana think about all of this?
Melana says (with a radiant, exultant smile on her face) that the New Joes will not be discriminated against because of their looks. She’s going to give them a fair chance. It’s only fair. Wow. She must be especially benevolent to have made the decision to keep three gorgeous guys around for the sake of fairness.
Cover me... I’m goin’ in!
The NJ’s move into the house, much to the dismay of the AJ’s. But don’t fear- Zach has a plan. “I just want you to know,” he says to John and Adam, “even if I become friends with the NJ’s, you two are still, like, my bestest friends in the whole wide world.” And his brilliant strategy? Be Zach. Riiiight. Because that has already worked so well with all of the other guys in the house. He’s going to befriend the NJ’s. They’re on his side. Make them like him, manipulate them, gain their trust, and then break them down. Okay. So apparently Zach is a little confused. He seems to think that he’s on Survivor. Um... Zach, alliances are not really necessary here, and all the guys left are Ostens anyway. Give it a rest.
Ready for the big shocker? The NJ’s hate Zach already. He talks too much “smack” (These guys are astoundingly intelligent. Tell me again why they don’t already have girlfriends?).
Makeover time!
The AJ’s decide to, like, give each other makeovers. Zach starts off by revealing his most valuable beauty tip: If you tie a bandana over your head like this, no one will know you’re bald. Oh my heck. Has anyone told MAXIM about this brilliant idea? They should make it the cover story of their next issue.
Adam makes plans for a brand new diet and workout regimen. Then he and John do each other’s hair and trade make-up tips, as Adam has a huge zit that needs concealed.
John gets some very gracious advice from one of the NJ’s.
Alex: “You need to shave off your goatee, get some contacts, get a tan, work out, wax your chest, whiten your teeth, get plastic surgery, a whole new wardrobe, and... basically change your whole appearance so you look just like me. And, like, oh my gawd! have you tried my pretty new lip gloss? It’s watermelon-cherry-banana-kiwi with sparkles!”
John: *hides under his pillow*
**Uh, oh. What’s that? I feel a song coming on. We interrupt this summary for a very special musical performance... it’s the world premier of the hit Broadway song “__(Insert name)___ is a Ditz”, sung by Judy Garland herself!**
__(Insert name)___ is a Ditz
(sung to the melody of “Puttin’ on the Ritz” by Irving Berlin)
Have you seen the newest Joes
Dressed in chic Valentinos
Come to win Melana’s heart
Even though they’re not that smart
Six-packs and narrow waistlines
Tanned backs and firm, round behinds
Flash a dazzling smile
You’ll be staying a while
Now, if you're John
And you don't know what to put on
Don’t sing, but go where fashion sits
Alex is a Ditz
Different Joes will weasel in and
Try to kiss Adam’s new girlfriend;
He has zits
Jason is a Ditz
Manners are important, this is simple
Unless you have big muscles and a dimple
Pop that pimple
Zach, you better not act so rude
She might pick the curly-haired dude
With the glitz
Mike is such a Ditz
------ short instrumental break ------
Kathy Griffin says they’re only so-so.
They are entertaining on the show, though
Average Joe, yo.
Average Joes will win the girl’s heart
Not the models, if she is smart
Use your wits
Please don’t choose a Ditz
Now, back to our regularly scheduled summary…
Revenge of the Nerds Average Joes
Now, here’s where the AJ’s get to save some face. They are to play basketball against the NJ’s, with Melana as the referee. The winners get to have a fancy dinner with Melana, while the losers get to wait on them.
Side note: Mike and Alex are wearing those little stocking caps that are very hip in middle schools right now, and it reminded me of that episode of “Friends” where Joey is trying to look like he’s 19. Also, Jason makes an interesting (read: asinine) comment regarding the NJ’s muscular physiques:
Jason: We *look* like we can play basketball better than they do, therefore, we will win.
Alex: That’s whack. Playstation is whack.
Mike: I pull your pants down right now! (Oops, sorry. Wrong show.)
Fortunately for the AJ’s, the NJ’s aren’t quite as good as basketball as they look like they might be, so the AJ’s get to go to dinner with Melana.
During dinner, Adam decides he’s the Mole, and sabotages John.
Adam: Hey John, sing your song again.
John: Melana wanted me to sing my song again, so I did. (Singing)
Adam & Zach: *snicker*
Melina: *politely smiles and tries to refrain from covering her ears*
Tiger Lily: *covers her ears*
*cut to coyotes howling, which sounds amazingly similar to John’s singing*
Somehow, the NJ’s still managed to look better than the AJ’s, wearing their goofy chef hats (color me surprised), even with Adam doing his fetching Ahnold impression.
Tomorrow, they will go on group dates, and Melana will choose one guy from each group to have a private date with.
Group Date #1: Mike, Zach & Alex
Pretty uneventful. They take a tram ride in the mountains, and then go for a hike. Zach says Melana’s “the one”, and denies for the millionth time that he’s the house asshole. Alex says he’s into God and animals. Melana tells Mike he looks like Joe Millionaire. He says he hears that all the time. This is obviously something that bothers him, so just for spite, I will say it again, as I would if I were talking to him face to face. Dude, you look just like Evan Marriott’s evil twin sister brother.
Melana decides to take Alex on the solo date, because she wants to hear more about his past. Uh, oh. Melana, honey, be careful what you wish for....
Here’s what happens on Alex’s solo date: Alex proceeds to tell Melana his entire life story. He tells her all about his stalkerish tendencies and ex-con drug addict girlfriends. Melana is seeing “red flags” everywhere (and no, these are not the fun little wavy SBlows kind of red flags, either). Safe to say that Alex is gone.
Group date #2: John, Adam & Jason
The guys are looking silly in their polo outfits, but it definitely does look like fun. John is insecure (as usual), and tells Melana he still hasn’t washed his cheek from when she kissed him on their last date. (Um… Melana? Shouldn’t this be another one of those “red flag” moments?) Adam tells Melana he wishes he could hold her in his arms again, and she acts suitably flustered, but pleased. Jason, our little weathergirl, turns out to be really good at polo. In the end, Melana tells John and Adam she’s going to pick Jason for the solo date, so she can learn more about him.
Jason’s solo date consisted of a romantic gondola ride, and dinner in a cabana (does this mean he’s her cabana boy?). The highlight of the evening was Melana asking, “So, you like girls only, right?” and Jason looking bewildered and offended while answering, “Um, yeah.” Note to self: write a reality show where the guys are all bi-sexual, but the girl doesn’t know it. Then see if the guys go for her, or for the other guys. Then have the guy in the end choose whether he wants the girl or one of the guys, and reveal the secret to her. Sell the show to FOX. Make millions. Freakin hilarious.
Jason and Melana end up having a make out session, and he floats back home around 2:00am, making all the other guys’ imaginations run wild. He says he’s got the Melana bug, which of course is contagious.
The Average Joes get even more jealous of the New Joes during a final pool party, while Melana drools over the NJ’s without their shirts on. All the Joes tell Melana how much they love her once again, then it’s time for...
<drumroll>
Eliminations
Kathy wishes she had Melana’s “sweet hookup”, and tells Melana she has to *cutting sound, finger across throat motion* two guys.
In a nutshell,
Alex is a stalker and a freak. Gone. No surprise here.
John is also a freak, (but she can’t say that, ‘cause it would hurt his tender feelings) and he’s also gone. He gives Melana a rock from their first date to remember him by. C’mon now, everyone all together: Awwwwwww.... how swe-*gag* ...at least we don’t have to hear him singing anymore.
Next week: Melana’s “cousin” shows up in a fat suit to give the guys a little test. Should be fascinating.
First time summary writer. Be nice.
Email this topic to a friend
Printer-friendly version of this topic
Bookmark this topic (Registered users only)
We really do have 
"You are so wrong, philosophers weep at the sound of your voice."
An original Sonny Crockett creation
