BIG BROTHER 9: ‘TIL DEATH DO YOU PART
a/k/a please let me die now
Previously – sixteen people looking for love moved into the Big Brother house. Sharon and Jacob were surprised to see one another. Jen and Ryan were keeping their romance a secret.
You know what? If you want “previously,” look here for a detailed summary by the beautiful and talented FishWoman.
The burning questions for tonight are “who will Jen and Parker evict?” “Will Jen and Ryan keep their secret?” “Which couple will be crowned HoH?” “Do I want a sandwich AND soup for dinner?” Find out tonight, on BB9.
In the diary room, Parker rejoices that he and Jen are the first “Power Couple.” “We are like Brad and Angelina.” Hubris, table of one. Jen makes less lofty comparisons, noting that she is just happy that she can keep Ryan and their secret safe.
In some heavy-handed foreshadowing, Sharon DRs that she and Parker are close, while Adam worries that he and Sheila are fighting too much and disrupting the flow of the house.
Speaking of Adam, I felt a little bad about calling him a monster the other day. I decided it was cruel, and promised myself that if I couldn’t ignore his hideous visage, I would at least not bring it up. I’m taking back that promise to myself, and here is why that troll deserves every mean name of which I can think.
Adam, Sheila, Matt, and Natalie are talking in the backyard as Adam explains that he works public relations for an autism group. He says he would like to take the money and open a hair salon for special needs kids “so the retards can get it together and get their hair done.” The producers didn’t even need to work in the record scratch sound. The dead silence and incredulous looks from the others were much more eloquent than any Foley effect ever used. Instead of apologizing, the pop-eyed orc says that he works with these kids every day and can call them what ever he wants. Later, in the kitchen, Sheila calls him on his word choice. Not only does he absolutely not see anything insensitive about his terminology, he tells Sheila that she is the one being insensitive, by calling the kids “them.” Sheila is gobsmacked and tells the other girls in the house that while she doesn’t want to go, Adam has to go. Also? Adam snores, loudly.
And now for something completely different.
Alison is crushing hard on Ryan, all “am I your type?” *giggle* *hair twirl* He’s like “yeah, sure, why not.” Apparently unable to read body language, Alison DRs that she really likes Ryan and that he is “deep.” No, sweetie, its all that arm hair that’s deep, not his actual personality. Meanwhile, Jen is crying in the DR about how hard it is to distance herself from Ryan and keep their relationship a secret. It’s only been a day, but my girl-crush is fading fast.
Speaking of crushing. Alex and Amanda are warm for each others form. Alex is particularly in favor of Amanda’s butt. As we get to see her tushie about a hundred times in this episode, I am inclined to agree.
Ooh – “Snake Gate” is coming up!
Jacob wants to stir things up, or, as he puts it, “turn the chicken up.” Is anyone else from Georgia? Is that a real saying? At any rate, he doesn’t trust Parker. He tells Ryan, Adam, and Jen that he heard Parker is a snake. Specifically, Jacob says that Parker “seems gutless and heartless” and that “everyone” thinks he is a snake. Jen busts out her “acting” skills by faking a contact lens emergency and runs inside to tell Joshua and Parker. Not one to fear confrontation, Parker immediately goes outside, asking if Jacob didn’t think Jen would tell him, and demanding to know who Jacob overheard. Jacob tries to be all, “it’s not my place to tell,” and doesn’t believe Parker will actually wake the whole house to get to the bottom of things.
Parker, however, has no qualms vis a vis “wakey, wakey, eggs and bakey” calling everyone into the living room for a family meeting. I’m irritated by the waking everyone up, but impressed by the straightforwardness. He lays the background, saying that if anyone has a problem with him, lets address it now. Everyone looks blank. There aren’t even any furtive looks going around the room. Then everyone gangs up on Jacob, telling him to say who he overheard. Jacob feels that the mystery name-caller should man up and out himself, which results in everyone telling Jacob he looks like a liar and he should think about what his actions mean to Sharon. Adam rightly notes that Jacob’s idiocy may have just kept Adam in the game.
Sharon is ticked. She whisper-yells at Jacob, saying he should have given her a heads-up. The next morning she tries damage control, telling Parker she won’t affirmatively state who it is, but will say everyone it isn’t. Parker gets around to saying Ryan’s name, at which time Sharon tells him that “I don’t think y’all *are* cool.” Sharon is a better actor than Jen, but that isn’t saying much. Parker possibly believes her, and tells Jen if this is true, they should evict Ryan and Alison.
Jen isn’t really down with that idea, telling Parker she and Ryan have been dating almost a year and she won’t send him home like this. She says she is playing for her team, will put R/A up as pawns if needed, but will not just evict him without a chance. Ryan comes over. Once he knows that Parker knows, he goes to tell Alison. Alison doesn’t take the news as well as Parker. “You are her are WHAT?!?” Then she makes him swear on his mom that it is true. Does she not watch reality television.? Swearing on one’s family does not equal telling the truth! Ryan affirms that he and Alison are a team and don’t have to consult with J/P prior to acting. Alison has “mixed feelings” because she doesn’t just like him, she like-likes him. In a jealous snit, she DRs that Ryan needs someone like her, not a jealous cow like Jen.
Just to recap – Parker doesn’t trust Ryan, Alison doesn’t trust Jen, Jen doesn’t trust Alison, and Ryan doesn’t trust Parker.
Jen and Parker fuss about having to pick. In the living room, Jen starts sobbing as Parker manfully chokes out that Sharon and Jacob are evicted and it is all Jacob’s fault. Good luck getting back with her now, dude. There are hugs all around, and Adam and Sheila look genuinely surprised they are still in the game.
The backyard has been redesigned as the “Tunnel of Love,” but the competition is a total rip-off of “The Newlywed Game” if it added cheesy props and stopped using the words “make whoopie.” Jen and Parker will be playing, not hosting, and our hosts are none other than Eric and Jessica from BB8!
I don’t care what the haters say. I think it is adorable they are still together. I also think that if Jess *isn’t* pregnant, she should have worn a different dress.
Highlights from the competition include the fact that Sheila and Adam seem to have kissed and made up. She was all over him, and squished her oobies in his face every time they got a correct answer. Also all over each other? Alex and Amanda and Matt and Natalie.
Six out of seven houseguests prefer pool boys. I think OT breaks down the same way! Cabana boy, pool boy, close enough! Chelsia is a total dork in the gymnast outfit, but she is having fun and she and James are getting along in an “I like you so I am going to pull your pigtails” sort of way.
Alex, Amanda, and Amanda’s pixilated bottom are our first HoH! Alison complains that she now must play for Jen and Parker as well as herself and Ryan.
Who will Alex and Amanda nominate? Will Jen and Ryan’s jealousy tear the house apart? “Is there anyone in the house to actually like?” These questions, and more, will be answered next week on
SoapBig Brother 9.
Hair by Tribephyl