BIG BROTHER 9: ‘TIL DEATH DO YOU PART
a/k/a we are so getting to see sex on camera this season
Ai. Dios. Mio. Now I see why no one wanted to do the first summary. It’s the one with all the people in it!
We start with Julie Chen. She is in a pretty red dress, but showing too much sternum. She informs us of this season’s exciting(?) twist. Really, Jules? Showmance? You had to say showmance? Anyway, TPTB have set up their own dating lab. They have matched each contestant with their potential “soulmate”; the fabricated couples will play as a team for “Food, luxuries, and most importantly, power.” Oh, and a half million grand prize.
~ Love: a temporary insanity, curable by marriage.~
Let’s meet our
Alex is a 24 year old DJ. He actually owns a DJ company, but is hiding his mad entrepreneurial skillz from the others. His dad died on 9/11, which makes it sort of hard for me to make fun of him. I am sure my empathy will decline.
Sheila will be 46 in April. I don’t know how to put this politely, Sheila, so I’ll just blurt it out. Maybe you should have used a more current photo for the publicity stills, ‘cause seriously? you look rode hard and put away wet. Sheila is a former Penthouse model. DH found her pictures online. He says lots of hair was “in” in the 70s.
Natalie, a 28 year old “bikini barista,” is from “the beaver state.” Oh dear lord, of course she is. She likes “bikinis, coffee, and god.” She is very, very, chipper.
Jacob, a 23 year old electrician from Georgia, says that “only the righteous will prevail.” Well, that won’t be you then, will it, Mr. McCheaterpants?
Chelsia “call me Trouble” is 21, and a college student from Iowa. Trouble looks a little fake, but she is still pretty young. I reserve judgment.
Parker is cute, but he also works as paparazzi for TMZ. The sleaze of his job fills up my entire “con” column. Parker is 26 and lives in California.
Amanda, is a 23 year old paralegal from Minnesota. She says she is “high-maintenance,” which is never good to hear, but my notes say “Wisconsin, Packers fan, liked alert, loves cookies.” I don’t really know what I meant by that. I do know that the dress she is wearing in the publicity still makes her look sway-backed and pot-bellied.
Jen is 26. She is a bartender who “knows how to handle a rough crowd.” She is super-cute. I like her smile.
“Crazy” James is 21 and “homeless.” What he really means is that he would rather bicycle around the world than buck up and get a job. Still, better to do this at 21 than 41. I *really* thought James was a girl. The fact that he is digging Chelsia doesn’t necessarily dissuade my opinion. Also, don’t give yourself a nickname. Especially not a lame one.
Neil is a realtor from L.A. via Texas. He is a 29-year-old hardbody. I think he is on Big Brother because the L.A. housing market is in as much a slump as the D.C. market.
Joshuah, 25, is a media advertising buyer from Dallas. He will be working the “southern charm.” I will be spelling his name as “Joshua”
Ryan, 27, is a college student from Ohio. He is sort of hairy. Despite that, he will be “going all in.” What does that even mean? Do these people think about the words coming out of their mouths?
Sharon is a 23 year old realtor from Kansas. She says she is a military brat. She is also Jacob’s ex-girlfriend. She says they dated for 12 years, but they are both only 23. I suppose that works for some people. (I mean, obviously not Jacob, but some other people.)
Alison is a “pharmaceutical sales representative” from Boston. She is 28, and is a “reformed gambling addict.” Ooh! Will she start betting on beer pong? Stay tuned!
Matt, 23, is a roofing foreman from Massachusetts. He will be playing the role of “that guy.” I am already hating him.
Adam is a 29 year old public relations manager from Florida. I sort of spaced out during his intro, but I’m sure we will hear more about him later.
~Love does not consist of gazing at each other, but in looking together in the same direction.~
It's ladies' night, as Julie sends in Natalie, Jen, Alison, and Sheila. We hear about a thousand “oh mi gods!” as they scurry around, discovering all the rooms are locked. Sharon, Amanda, and Chelsia enter next. More squeaking ensues as the chicas notice the wall art of luurve and confirm they are all single.
We see intertwining DRs of Sharon and Jacob. The jist is that they dated for 12 years but Jacob “blew the love of (his) life” by cheating on her. Sharon is “moving on,” but Jacob, I think, is not moving on so much. He is hoping they are matched as “soulmates.” Jen and Ryan then DR that they have been dating for 9 months, living together for 7 months, and want to play as secret strangers. They fear that if found out they “might be evicted.” Ryan is allegedly a teddy bear (well, as hairy as a bear), but they are both jealous people. Jen thinks they will get married. I am sure they will, just maybe not to each other. At any rate, I am sure being on the show will strengthen their relationship.
~That Love is all there is, is all we know of Love.~
Time for the men! Ryan, Adam, Parker, Alex, and Joshua enter the house and start screaming at the girls. Jen already sounds drunk, but I think it is just her “acting” as if she doesn’t know Ryan. Parker thinks Jen is attractive. Hey, Parker, she is! Provided she isn’t a b!tch, I do believe I have my girl-crush for the season.
Matt, James, Neil, and Jacob enter. Cheering ensues. Well, until Sharon and Jacob see each other and both sort of mini-freak. He walks away, and the girls around Sharon notice immediately that something is up.
~To be loved for what one is, is the greatest exception. The great majority love in others only what they lend him, their own selves, their version of him.~
Julie announces she is playing Cupid. The housemates will compete, win HoH, be evicted, and even “sleep” as couples. Everyone makes the appropriate background noise. Neither Ryan nor Jen are happy with this development. Ryan doesn’t want to see Jen in bed with another man. Jacob hopes he is paired with Sharon.
Time for the match up! Once your team is announced, go to a bedroom and stay there! And start kissing! It’s your computer-generated soulmate!
~When the power of love overcomes the love of power the world will know peace.~
Alex and Amanda – Alex is happy.
James and Chelsia – Chelsia pouts that she likes motor bikes, not bicycles.
Natalie and Matt – Matt is happy and says Nat is beautiful.
Jen and Parker – Parker is stoked, Ryan is angry.
Joshua and Neil – Two guys? As soulmates? But . . . what if they kiss?
Jacob and Sharon – Hmm, apparently they are meant to be.
Oops! All the beds are taken. The remaining two couples must get sleeping bags from the storage room. BB gets caught short like this every year. One would think they’d count better.
Our remaining couples are Ryan and Alison, and Sheila and Adam. Sheila does NOT like Adam at all, and he keeps calling her “Ma.” Which is funny, but if I looked ten years older than I was, I might be upset as well. We are treated to about 15 minutes of Sheila whinging about how much Adam is not her type. Lady, are you here to get naked in front of the camera (again) or to win money? I guess she wanted the former. I’d be bummed because Adam does look a little like a monster, but I wouldn’t tell him that.
~Love does not alter the beloved, it alters itself.~ (although the other quotes are random, this one is specifically for our lovebirds Sheila and Adam)
Competition time! One couple will win the sole power to evict another couple in a matter of hours. There are spoilers available if you want to know who gets booted. The game is called “Falling 4 U.” They might not have used the Prince spelling, but I feel it makes everything sexier. One half of the couple is suspended in a sex trapeze. The other lies under them on a bed and must monkey-cling whilst they are lifted into the air. If you fall, your team is out. Last team hanging is the winner. There is some ridiculous arguing by some of the girls that they should be in the trapeze, but they all come to their senses with boys on top.
~Love, I find, is like singing. Everybody can do enough to satisfy themselves, though it may not impress the neighbors as being very much.~
Adam says Ma’s breath stinks, and they are the first team out as she totally leaps out of his arms after five minutes. Next out are Neil and Josh at 9:18. Amanda falls and tells Alex she blew it. After 34 minutes, Sharon and Jacob have a discussion and he gently helps her drop down.
Julie announces that there are pillows on the bed. The remaining teams have ten minutes to reach a pillow with only their hands. If they pick up a pillow and win, they get $10,000. I am pretty sure my short self would never have reached all the way back down for a pillow! Matt and Natalie aren’t going for it. James and Chelsia try, and she grabs the pillow, but then falls while trying to pull herself back up. Chelsia is mad at herself for falling. Jen and Parker get a pillow, and Ryan and Alison try, but Alison falls. Natalie is the first to invoke a “swear to god,” and tells Jen and Parker that she and Matt will drop if J/P promise N/M will be safe. Jen and Parker are our first power couple.
Jen and Parker must nominate a couple to be sent home. Jen is thinking Adam and Sheila, while Parker is thinking Ryan and Alison. Guess which person will not get their way.
Nominations are Wednesday at 8! See you then!
~The world is too dangerous for anything but truth and too small for anything but love.~
makin' plates for 8 1/3 to 12