It’s a Mad World After All. It's a Mad, Mad World.

First, a disclaimer.
If you, Gentle Reader, are expecting an erudite summary of this show then you are in the wrong place. Yeah, yeah—I am going to write a reasonably accurate summary. But I intend to make respectful, gentle fun of (or just meanly mock, depending on my mood) everyone and everything—Wicca, Voodoun, Catholic virgin girls, etc. I am an equal opportunity basher, praise be to Allah and may The Force be with you.

The show opens with the five Alts standing in a row and saying, well, “We are the five Alts.” Are you excited yet? There are a bunch of high speed preview clips of the Mad Houseguests screaming, naked, buried in entrails, drinking blood, getting lynched and a clock striking midnight. While we watch all this fun, the five Alts explain the show’s premise. They have invited 10 ordinary people to live in their house and experience their world. The houseguests will be “tested” for their openness to and tolerance of alternative life-styles. Each week one person will be voted off by the Alts. The last person who remains gets $100,000.

We meet the five Alts.

Don is a vampire from San Diego. He is shown rising from his coffin and showing off his pointy teeth. Actually, he looks like a perfect B-movie vampire. White skin, pointy teeth, pale pale blue eyes (if they are not colored contacts he can suck my, uh, blood) and long straggly black hair. His evil laugh is a work in progress; at this point it still sounds kind of Looney-Tuney. Don explains that vampires have an insatiable need to feed off the life energy of others. Well—doh! Everyone involved in Reality TV has that same need.

Fiona is an Australian witch who has her own coven in L.A. Excuse me—Fiona is a practitioner of Wicca. Wicca, she explains, is a religion that recognizes both a Goddess and a God and has nothing to do with Satan. They do spells & rituals to create a positive change in their lives, to help, heal and empower themselves. Just to be sure we know Satan is not involved, Fiona is a gorgeous blonde with a lovely, gentle smile. And to be sure we know she’s a good witch she wears blue a lot—kind of like the good witch Wendy.

Iya ta’Shia Asanti is a Yoruba/Ifa voodoo priestess. She explains that as a practitioner of Voodoun she lives her life in a way that affirms, celebrates and teaches the ways of the Ancient Africans. At this time, I believe ta'Shia is being roundly denounced by a bunch of real Africans (the kind from Africa) but who cares about that. This is America, where anyone with aspirations to it can be a Voodoo Priestess. ta'Shia wears post-missionary, African looking clothes—a head wrap and long full skirts.

Art is a Modern Primitive, also from San Diego. He explains that Modern Primitives take their bodies and modify them as many other cultures have before them. He considers body-modification to be the most beautiful way that he could possibly express himself as an individual. Your mom might call him a Tattooed Freak and your dad would block the door while holding a shotgun if Art showed up to take you out on a date. But hey—he has a nice laugh and I like the guy. He has way more tattoos than Lex van der whatsis or even Angelina Jolie. He also has multiple piercings. A bullring in his nose, a bar just above his nose, both nipples. His ears have multiple rings and plugs, including a set of plugs that distend his earlobes about 2 inches. If the darn producers would just quit pixilating his private parts when he is naked I’m sure we would find that he has lots of extra hardware down there too.

And speaking of naked—let’s meet my favorite Alt—Avocado! Avocado, whose real name is David Wolfe but Avocado suits him better, is a naturist. As he explains it, “a naturist is someone who lives in Nature and corresponds to Nature’s laws in the most obvious ways. Like, I only eat raw food because all the animals in nature eat only raw food.” When he’s not naked, Avocado wears interesting, hand-loomed tunics and stuff. I love his hairstyle. Shaved on the sides and back, with the top very long and plaited into about 10 braids. He’s a real sweetheart, but probably farts a lot because of that whole diet thing. Maybe that’s why he winks so much.

Okay. Those are the Alts. SciFi has done a good job of finding spooky, freaky and likeable representatives of a variety of Alternative lifestyles. (Not counting Don, because nobody should like a vampire. It’s in the Vampire Code, I think.)

Now for the real Weirdoes! The Ten Ordinary People, hereafter known as the TOPs. Ahhhh!!! Run! Hide the children!!! They’re weeeeiird!

The Ten Ordinary People are delivered to the Mad Mad House just before midnight, by the light of a full moon. They arrive 3 and 4 at a time in a gargantuan black SUV. One of those monsters that gets 3 miles per gallon and scares the beJesus out of all right-thinking, clean-living, fossil-fuel-conserving people.

I know, I know—I have to introduce these folks but I’m starting to bore even myself so I think I will pick up the pace a little here.

Nichole is a 27 year old Retail Sales Manager from Malibu who likes to be the center of attention. She is hoping that the “hosts” of the show are a nice family. Ya know, maybe a mom and dad with some kids. And thus we learn that the houseguests are clueless about what is about to happen to them.

Brent is a 22 year old, fifth year college student. I think being fifth year means he is not very smart or at the very least, indecisive. He attends a southern Christian College and likes to read the bible. Says he believes in God and wishes that everyone was a Christian. He is going to do so well here. *snicker*

Bonnie is a 50 year old Book Editor from Illinois who has played by the rules all her life and “just once” would like to do something outrageous. Congratulations, Bonnie! Strip off your clothes and have a nice glass of warm blood—your wish is about to come true!

Eric is a 20 year old Assistant Sports Agent from Massachusetts. Says he’s a big energy person who likes to be the life of the party. Already, he bores me.

Loana is a 23 year old media researcher from Chicago. She proclaims that her religious faith “is important to me” and says she reads the bible quite often. She’s a “good girl”.

I am beginning to see where SciFi is headed with the TOPs. I yell at my TV. Run, you hapless TOPs—run!! You are about to be debauched, despoiled, deflowered and devoured! Oh, the inhumanity of it all! (Heh-heh. I can’t wait.)

Noel is next. He is a 25 year old janitor from San Francisco who describes his job as “sweeping up a crap-load of hair” in a barbershop.

Jamie is an Exotic Dancer from Texas. Finally! Someone who will not fear getting naked! Why for a shot at the $100,000 she would probably give a lap dance to the devil Don himself!

Kelly is a 25 year old Republican Political Campaigner from New York City. She lives in a convent. And—“oh yeah. Something really unique—I’m a virgin.” She looks like a really fat Monica Lewinsky and tends to wear low-cut, revealing tops. As a DD, she has a lot to reveal. She also wears too red lipstick and crappy, runny eye make-up. I so want to see her get naked & debauched! Kelly is my favorite.

Hamin is a factory worker from Wisconsin who thinks he is God’s Gift to Womankind. “When it comes to women, I definitely got game. You can call me Tiger—it’s just what I am in certain situations <wink, wink> <rrowr>” Oh, puh-leeze. Would someone vote this idiot off?

Tim is a 42 year old Horse Rancher from Missouri who says he is an “edu-micated” goody-goody.

Is anyone still reading? Whew! It takes a long time to introduce the victim/contestants in these darn reality shows. The things I do for Webby!

So. The contestants are all gathered in the Mad Mad House. They have been offered wine, since all Reality Show producers know that wine makes people stupid(er). They have yet to meet their ‘hosts’ the Alts. Such innocence!

The clock strikes midnight. Thunder roars! Power surges, and the lights flicker off and on, off and on. While the tippy TOPs laugh, the Alt Five materialize behind them, as if they were just beamed up by Scotty. Suddenly, the TOPs realize that things ain’t gonna be what they thought. Noel, Kelly & Loana are stunned, mouths wide open. Noel says “Guaranteed—these are all well-paid actors”. Art’s body art? “Not tattoos; that’s a pen.” The two inch plugs in his earlobes? “Yeah, well, the ear things might be real.” I guess Noel thinks actors would disfigure their bodies for a 9 week show.

Good Witch Fiona introduces the Alts and explains the premise of the show (finally!) to the clueless TOPs. It’s a 24/7 competition. “We, the Alts, will vote to eliminate you one-by-one, and reward the last remaining guest with $100.000. Each of you must figure out what it takes to stay in the House. One hint. We are the Five Alts. This is our House, and we rule.

Noel says “keep on suckin’” when Vampire Don is introduced, and laughs at Avocado. Calls him Asparagus. Kelly Lewinsky says “I felt like I was back in college with the freaks.” Oh yeah. This is gonna be fun.

Body-Art, the Modern Primitive says “I’m sure you’ve all been wondering what the sleeping arrangements are going to be tonight,”

A group shot of clueless Houseguests. Uh—no. They just got finished pairing themselves off in the wine-drinking contest. You mean the Freaks are going to tell them where to sleep!?! Who’d a thunk that?

Body-Art continues. “Upstairs is a dorm room that sleeps five. And five of you will be sleeping with us, in our rooms.

Somewhere in America, Jeff Probst, Simon Cowell, and even the newly venerable Anderson Cooper smite their brows and yell “DOH!!! Why didn’t we think of that! Make sleeping with us one of the challenges! Oh, the things we could have made those desperate attention whores do!!! The fun we could have had with them!!!” But alas—too late.

--Avocado picks a stunned Kelly first. Some one yells “she’s a virgin!”
--ta’Shia picks Brent.
--Vampire Don picks Eric. Our first same-sex pick and everyone laughs, including Eric. Tim helpfully yells to Dom, “he’s not a virgin!” More giggles.
--Body-Art picks Nichole.
--Fiona picks Tiger Hamin, beckoning him to her with one crooked finger. Hamin is so smugly pleased, and strolls over with one hand in his pocket. “I can do that. All right!!! I’m gonna score!” <snicker> Just a hint, Hamin the Stupid. Never piss off a witch.

And so, off to bed.

There are bed rituals, off course. No—not that kind of rituals, you perverts! Nice, holistic, alternative rituals…

Avocado makes Kelly remove her shoes at the bedroom door then asks her, “Have you ever been saged?” Kelly makes a blank face while trying to figure out exactly what sex act is commonly referred to a ‘being saged’. She is afraid, yet open to the experience. In fact—she embraces it. Never once, in all her years in the convent, did one of those pious nuns offer to sage her!

Turns out, Avocado just wants her to, er, spread while he waves a smoldering sprig of sage over her body.

ta’Shia has never heard of positive thinking. Must not be a prerequisite for Voodoo school. She keeps yelling at him. “Don’t wear your shoes in here—this is sacred space!” “Don’t step on my chalked floor drawing—it’s a sacred scrawl!” “Don’t this!” “Don’t that!” Poor Brent keeps saying “Sorry, sorry, sorry.” He has to pay homage to her shrine—it’s sacred!. Then she rosemarys him, which is just like being saged—only with rosemary. Brent tells the camera later that he’s a Christian and that’s never going to change.

A quick shot of the dorm room, with everyone laying in sterile little cots, all in a row. No sage. No rosemary. No nuthin. Loana says “I feel so left out.”

Meanwhile back in the themed bedrooms, Don is showing Eric the casket in which he will spend the night. Eric gamely climbs inside & Don shuts the lid.

“Come on out now, Eric” Don trills, while simultaneously holding down the lid. Inside, a casket-cam shows us the terrified Eric. He’s in a locked casket! Maybe for the entire night! Oh, sh!t. And worse yet—he really has to pee! Ah, man…

Just then, Dom releases the lid and Eric is freed. That vampire—such a kidder!

Meanwhile, back in Fiona’s bedroom, Tiger Hamin and the witch are getting comfy in bed. But not like you think. Fiona is all alone in a lovely double bed in the middle of the room. Tiger is stuffed into a little cot in the corner. He says “Unfortunately, we’re just going to sleep. It’s not my idea—trust me.” Tiger, Tiger… let’s go over this again. Never piss off a witch!

The next morning, we see a totally stunned Kelly, with the covers pulled up to her chin, watching Avocado walk around naked. The Naturist has assumed a natural, naked state. In this post-Janet Jackson world, his privates are thoroughly blurred so as not to offend anyone. Thus we are unable to tell if Avocado is walking around with a morning woody. Woodies, after all, are a natural thing. He would have no reason to hide a perfectly normal woody from Kelly.

Later, Kelly, who can never keep her mouth shut, tells the camera that “Avocado walked around totally naked! Naked!! I was shocked! Just shocked!!!” She makes a stupid shocked face for the cameraman. It is at this point that I finally think of a good nickname for Kelly. MBFOV My Big Fat Obnoxious Virgin! (Yeah, I know. I am going to Hell for thinking things like that. But. What if Hell itself is just a big Reality show? Did you ever think of that? Huh?)

Jeez, I gotta pick up the pace again. I’ve written so darn many paragraphs and we haven’t even had a challenge yet!

SciFi is pretty sketchy on what the TOPs do all day. Avocado makes a ‘smoothie’ for breakfast that contains “chocolate and massive herbs.” Eric drinks it and has a seizure. Okay—not really. He’s dancing with joy but it looks like a seizure to me.

While they’re getting dressed, Nichole asks Body-Art if all the plugs in his ears affect his hearing. Art yells back “What? I can’t hear you! I have a conch in my ear!” I imagine the fun that would have ensued had the Marx brothers slept with Body-Art instead of Nichole.

Brent & Loana hit it off and spend a lot of time together. Remember—this is important or they wouldn’t show it.

Avocado decides to take everyone for a nice, night nature walk. Because this is the Mad Mad House, the walk winds up in a sunken garden with massive urns, a smirking vampire and a bloody font. A really big, deep bloody font.

“Welcome to your first trial!” intones Bloody Don, the Vampire. Have I mentioned I hate this guy? Bloody Mary is the girl I love and Bloody Don is the vamp I hate.

Don does more Vampire 101 lecturing. Vampires do not fear crosses or garlic, and they don’t sleep hanging upside down like bats. Duh! How do you sleep upside down in a coffin anyway? Anyway…

The first trial is… The Bloodbath! Mwahahahaha {cue the thunder}.

Each of the Houseguests is required to jump into the pool of warm blood and find either a garlic clove, a plastic bat or a cross. Then they have to run back to the urns, which are each labeled with the photo and name of one of the houseguests. They throw their trophy into the urn of a person they do not want to win the challenge. At the end of 3 minutes, whoever has the fewest number of objects is the winner.

Don explains what the winner gets. Actually, the winner gets three things—three is a magic number, right? The winner gets:

1. Safety from the upcoming elimination.
2. The privilege of sitting with the Alts while they deliberate on who to kick out.
3. If there is a tie, the winner gets to pick who goes.

The losers are all stoned with purple rocks (Not really. I made that up. Survivor humor dies hard.)

Everyone strips off any unnecessary clothing and they all dive into the warm, sticky Bloodbath on cue, scrapping around & feeling for objects on the bottom. Of course everyone gets coated with blood. People slip & fall on the bloody grass. Don practices his backstroke. Eventually the three minutes are up.

Each person has to count the number of objects in their urn. MBFOV Kelly Lewinsky goes first. She has 13—count ‘em—13 objects in her urn! “You guys all hate me!” she wails.

Nicole, who started the Dump on Kelly movement has 9. Nobody loves her either. Most people have 3 or 4 items, but lucky Brent has only one clove of garlic in his urn. Brent wins!

The bloody Houseguests all trek off to shower, don clean white bathrobes and get drunk on that nice Mad Mad House wine. All except Kelly who slumps over in the bedroom, crying her little virgin heart out.

*sob* *sob* “Nobody here likes me! It’s like I’m back in High School again, trying out for Cheerleader and everybody just laughs.” I’m thinking, you’re 25 years old and you haven’t got over high school yet? Avocado talks kindly to her.

ta’Shia asks Brent to gather everyone for a traditional Voodoo ritual. The Houseguests will be judged on their willingness to step out of the realm of their everyday lives. How well they do this will determine who the Alts think is worth keeping in the house and who is a hopeless case.

The TOPs line up and go down into the voodoo pit, challenge area, whatever the heck it is. And? They all choke. Only four of the ten will participate in ta’Shia’s ceremony. The rest all say something stupid like “While I respect your views, because of my religion I am uncomfortable with participating at this time.” How stupid is that? It’s just a little voodoo mixer! People play drums and you dance—big deal. Okay, there is always the chance that you will be possessed by an Ancient African Spirit who will ride your soulless body like a horse, causing your head to spin 360 degrees while you spew projectile vomit, say the F word and levitate. Or maybe that was the Exorcist movie. Whatever! We’re talking about $100,000 here! People have sold their souls for way less than that!

Only Noel, Eric, Jamie and Nichole participate, letting ta’Shia draw little white dots on them, and then dancing like Freshman Frat boys. Exotic dancer Jamie puts a little bump & grind into her voodoo dance. I hope the Ancient African Spirits appreciated it as much as my husband did.

Anyway, ta’Shia gets possessed & says stuff to Noel & Hamin. I must admit I didn’t get it. Call me voodoo challenged. She (or whatever Ancient African spirit was riding her) told Noel that he acts a little weird but he opened the door for me (the voodoo spirit?).

Then she gave a huge lecture to Hamin, who—hello?—was not even participating in the ceremony because of his chickensh!t problem. “Don’t you know your ancestors was on the ships with all the rest of us?” “Their backs were striped by the whip too” “You must learn your history!” Hamin just wants to head for the hills.

The next morning, Hamin, Fiona and ta’Shia chat in the kitchen and ta’Shia decides that Hamin is afraid of anything that is an African-based practice.

We see the other Houseguests kiss up to Brent, just in case they need him in a tie-breaker. We see Brent promise everybody that he would never, no vote them out. Not even Kelly. He says Loana has a cute body and tells Hamin “I got you, dog.”

Soon after, we finally get to the Deliberation Ceremony. Everything they do in the Mad Mad House is a ceremony. It must be a validation thing for the Alts. Brent watches the Alts as they discuss the TOPs. It is all very solemn and confusing. Mostly, they talk about Loana, Eric and Hamin, Although Fiona thinks Kelly has exhibited “the most growth.”

On Loana.
Fiona says “She’s very sweet, but she doesn’t challenge me.
Don: “ Loana is hiding behind her mainstream mask.”

On Eric:
All agree he is after the money, period.

On Hamin:
Avocado: “He’s holding back. He’s a player. He’s dodging.”
ta’Shia: “The voodoo ceremony touched something in him, but he refuses to recognize his African ancestry. He’s gonna grow or he’s gonna go.”

I say to ta’Shia: WTF? Maybe he is from a part of Africa where they don’t do voodoo! Ever think of that? Huh?

While the deliberations are going on, we see Kelly and Eric in whispered conversation. Kelly says “Three of the Alts are guys, so they won’t want to vote out the girls. Also, I’m kinda like the good Catholic girl/ slash/ outspoken idiot. I feel like the Alts are kind of corrupting me and they’re enjoying that.”

Ding, ding, ding! Give the girl a prize! She has just stated exactly what is going on in the Mad Mad House! I knew there was a reason I loved MBFOV!

And on the Elimination Ceremony.

The TOPS stand in a row before a line of red thrones. The Alts march in, all dressed up and solemn-like. Don is gorgeous in a blood red brocade jacket. Fiona is in a Good Witch blue dress, with cleavage. ta’Shia is wearing her usual African stuff. Body-Art is half naked, but Avocado is fully covered. They are all wearing fugly, big necklaces.

One by one, the Alts come down and put their necklace onto the person they wish to evict. Whoever gets the most necklaces is out, unless it’s a tie—in which case old Brent gets to decide.

It’s very nice theater. The Alts strut back and forth in front of the TOPs. They look them in the eye. They fake out who they are going to vote on. They make little speeches. Damn! They are having such fun toying with the stupid TOPs. These are the votes:

Avocado votes Hamin. “You did not give it all that you can give. To survive in our house you have to earn it.”

Don votes Loana. “I would have wanted to see a lot more participation of showing your microcosm inside of you and sharing it with the greater macrocosm of everybody that’s here.”

Body-Art votes Kelly. “For lacking patience.”

Fiona votes Loana. “You are not contributing for the fire of transformation that burns in this house.” Tears start to roll down Loana’s face.

ta’Shia votes Hamin. “It is not I but the Ancestors who have directed me to place this necklace upon your neck. You must go back and claim your past in order to move foreward and claim your future.” Blah, blah, blah. He’s a tiger in bed. What else matters, really?

It’s a tie! Brent hangs his head in shock & resignation, then manfully steps up to the two potential losers.

“Loana,” Brent says, “You’re a great person with a good heart, and I’ve spent some one-on-one time with your cute body you.”

“Hamin, you’re a good person too, but I have to make the decision to….. (we go to commercial here, of course. For a long time. Then Brent finally gets to finish his sentence.) ….the decision to ask you to leave.”

Hamin is out. The alts ask him to leave immediately and he doesn’t hesitate. His final words are “I came into this House being myself. I’m leaving being myself. All I can be is me.”

Next Week: People drink blood, get naked and tell lies.
Fiona does a Wiccan ceremony.
Oh yeah—MBFOV cries again.