LAST EDITED ON 08-06-04 AT 08:36 AM (EST)
Note to SPIKETV: This season has been hilarious, however, someone in your scheduling department needs to consider this: 1) could you possibly pick a suckier time to air this show? 11:05???? 2) yo...its on after wrestling 3) the re-air conflicts with the sucky timing of The Amazing Race. I mean, really now...if you can air MXC 17 times a week, you certainly can come up with a better time slot for some Schmo-age. Think about it.
Previously on JS2: There are summaries up all over this board, go read them. Frankly, if youre not following along, reading this one summary isnt going to help you out this late in the game.
Episode 7 begins with the producers reminding everyone just how “dangerous” this show still is. Are you wearing your safety glasses? Tim, Amanda and crew walked in on Bryce and TJ having fun after staging a public fight about Everett (RIP Everett). What are you people, NUTS? If they figure it out, no one gets paid, so watch your step! He also congratulates Ingrid on how well shes picking things up. Shes destined for a career on the stage. Look out Meryl Streep, Ingrid’s on your heels. Ingrid looks like she just wants a long nap and some serious drugs to forget what will become for her, a national nightmare. I cant imagine this is going to help her negotiating skills at the UN, but thats just me.
Back at the mansion, Ingrid and Amanda surf the breakfast buffet and discuss Cammy’s “dim”ness, and how Austin must not see it. Obviously, he cant see past the basketballs that have been glued to her chest.
Flash to a nearby hotel room, where Tim is having his “exit interview”. He says that Austin couldnt see that he and Piper really had a connection, looks into the camera and tells Piper to get his number from the producers and give him a call sometime. Riiiiiiiight. Im sure she’ll do that right after she gets the bathroom painted in the house she hasnt bought yet, and gets her future pet spayed. Tim says he wouldnt do anything differently, that he played the game true to himself. He was happy to have spent time at the mansion drinking beers with fun people. There is a knock at the door! Lo and behold.....its DEREK! He tells Tim that a suitor is getting kicked off the show for violating the rules, and that Piper wants Tim to come back. Would he? Piper loves him!!! How could he deny her anything? Tim is so eager to get back, he doesnt even want to pack, he asks Derek for a ride back to the mansion. Derek turns his back on Tim and tells him that one of the production staff will take him back to the mansion. Tim blushes and runs to pack.
As our other contestants eat breakfast on the patio, Bryce tells the gang that he wasnt suprised that Tim was booted, because he can tell what Piper is thinking. TJ nearly gags on his granola. We hear a sound in the distance....can it be? Why yes it is! Another banner! This time from Tim, saying that his Irish eyes are still smiling. Bryce is visibly annoyed that Tim ripped off his idea. Amanda goes for a post breakfast beer and sees Tim walking onto the patio. Everyone is excited to see him but Bryce, who looks like he wants to spit on him.
Derek appears, backed up by a rent-a-cop, to explain Tims return. He says that someone has violated the rules and is going to be asked to leave the show. Montecore has been found dead...the victim of foul play. Derek asks Bryce if he has anything to say. Bryce stammers something about being grateful to “whoever” did it, that Montecore had it coming. I submit to you ladies and gentlemen, this is a serious case of “CYA”. You well know that Bryce is about to get the boot, but my many hours of Law & Order training are paying off here. There is someone else who had motive, means and opportunity. Moreover, no one on this show hated Montecore more than...yes, Ill say it....Derek Newcastle, Pompous Host. J’Accuse!!! *Blink*...oh wait....where was I? *ahem*
Ah yes, Bryce. Derek claims they have footage on the security cameras of Bryce leaving the house and heading toward Montecore’s trailer. (and excuse me, but, the friggin falcon has its own trailer?! To itself!?) Tim is OURAGED! He repeatedly asks Bryce if he “killed the fbleepin bird”. Bryce says he left the house because he was thirsty. Amanda, who is sitting on the chaise behind Bryce, is, at this point, covering her mouth in horror and is nearly curled up in the fetal position in order to get as far away from Bryce as she can without getting up. Why, incidentally, do you think it is that she wouldnt get up? Shes probably one of those stupid chicks who, when being chased by a serial killer, would run into the woods in high heels. But, I digress.
Bryce declares his innocence and says that he wants to talk to Piper. He doesnt want her to be upset and have to bring him back again. Derek insists he has to leave, Bryce insists on seeing Piper, and Tim is flipping out, and Fetal Amanda looks ready to cry. Tim stares in disbelief as Bryce tells Derek that the show is about Pipers love life and Bryces love life, and hes not leaving until he gets a chance to talk to Piper. Finally, Derek says that he knows where Piper is and that he will take Bryce to see her. As they leave, Tim calls Bryce a freak and taunts him. Amanda tells Tim to shut up! Cant you see the guy is unstable? Hes already killed Montecore, and if you antagonize him, whos to say you wont be next? Out of sight of the players, Bryce starts screaming for someone to take their hands off of him, he wants to see Piper, he didnt kill the bird, and hes NOT crazy. Im tellin you now, this dude needs a real acting job. Granted, he will be playing the freaky stalker type until he retires, but he does it SO. WELL.
Onward, to the new Falconless Twist. The contestants must pretend that Montecore is swooping in over their heads. Derek makes them do it a couple of times because the first take didnt seem natural. TJ complains that hes not an actor. Oh sweet irony, thy name is Playah. Derek reveals that tonight, they will hold not one, but TWO eviction ceremonies. We are treated to a lovely Montecore Montage, closing with the falcon flying into the glass doors while you hear Derek saying “God, I hate this bird!” (Im telling you...Bryce was framed. Listen to me now and believe me later. We havent see the last of Bryce.) RIP Montecore 1994-2004. Yes, you are the wind beneath our wings.
“You know, I cant think of a better example of romance, than the raw, AUTISTIC passions exuded by the great thespians Patrick Swayze and Demi Moore in the movie “Ghost”.” I couldnt have said it better myself. The contestants are going to be “Bound by Love”. Basically, they are going to hippie cuff coed teams together and have them create a “sculpture” on a potters wheel. At the end of the allotted time, the team with the largest phallus-shaped wet lump of clay get to be closest to Austin and Piper on todays group date. Our teams are: Ingrid and TJ, Amanda and Hard G, Tim and Cammy. We see Tim confiding to us that he was praying not to have Cammy for a team member. Apparently, shes dumb(!), and while he really likes copping a feel on the sly, theyre competing for time with A & P. Naturally, we get lots of erotic wet dome shots, Tim rolling his eyes at trying to actually see what they are accomplishing, Cammy looking aroused. As time is called, we see Gerald telling us that the game was *gasp* FIXED! He had to make sure that he and Amanda lost. As its obvious to anyone whos been paying attention that Tims not going to win any prizes for the size of his....um...sculpture, its no shock when Ingrid and TJ win.
The group date for the afternoon finds our happy group chained together. TJ and Ingrid get to be chained next to Piper and Austin. The rest are tagged on and told to think of it as a chain gang in the correctional facility of romance. (seriously kids, sometimes these summaries write themselves) Remember, no sudden movements, and everyone enjoy yourselves! Ahhh, if I had a nickel for every time I’d heard that.......
Alrighty then, “Bound by Love” our gang shuffles inside for dance lessons. Their instructor? Barbara Striesands and Patrick Stewarts love child. No question in my mind, dont let the accent fool you. Amanda calls him “hyper” and shares that shes doesnt line dance in heels without alcohol. Guess that post breakfast beer didnt do the trick for her. The instructor (who Tim has dubbed “Goldmember”) is impressed that everyones “grooving already” as he shows them some steps. They do high kicks ala the Rockettes, which land Amanda, Cammy and Ingrid flat on their respective butts. Amanda and Gerald get their groove on, and suddenly, TJ announces that hes got to go to the bathroom. Goldmember has everyone grooving and shaking and wants TJ to “hold it”. *Snicker* Yeah, I bet he does.
Not happening. TJ CANT wait, and drags the entire chain over to the WC. Piper, being chained to TJ, has to stand by the door, which, because of said chain, cannot be completely closed. Gerald reveals in an off set interview that TJ, the character, NOT THE ACTOR thankyouverymuch, has been stricken with a horrible case diarrhea. We cut back to see TJ emptying cans of bean soup in the toliet and hear what has to be a whoopie cushion. Repeatedly.
Piper, bound by love, stands by the door, covering her face and moaning. Tim shares with us that Piper is such a beautiful girl that he wouldnt even think about “taking a crap” around her (I am SO glad I’m out of this age groups dating rituals) but that TJ just couldnt help it. TJ starts again with the whoopie cushion and spritzes around “Fart Spray”. Yes, a consumer product, in an aerosol can, manufactured for those poor souls who just cant seem to create enough methane on their own. Finally, freedom from the embarrassment of not being able to break sufficient wind in public! Effective too, apparently, because even though Tim was chained at the end of the line, he was gagging over his beer. Oh the wonders of modern science! TJ emerges from the WC. Austin asks if he killed an animal in there. Off set, TJ tells us that he was genuinely embarrassed for having “fake shat” in semi-public. Hey pal, thats called acting and thats why you get the big bucks.
They go back to dancing. Goldmember has them “JUMP! Shake it, shake it, shake it, JUMP! Shake it, shake it, shake it...” Right in the middle of the epileptic fit that Piper seems to be having, TJ tears off again for the bathroom, dragging everyone in tow. This time he doesnt even manage to get the door mostly closed. He starts pouring the bean soup, blowing the spray, etc. Piper looks repulsed, and Tim begs the production staff for a match because its the most disgusting diarrhea his nostrils have ever smelled. Nice hobby Tim.
Unfortuntely, TJ didnt get to the commode “in time” and has soiled himself. I have no idea why, at this point, Tim or Amanda wouldnt have suggested that someone unchain TJ, but evidently they are fine with everyone going to TJ’s room so that the dude can change his underwear. What? He’s gonna cut his pants off to do it? Amanda says that the girls all need to look away, but the guys need to help TJ change. This is the person who’s calling Cammy a dummy?
As TJ reaches in his drawer for some fresh panties, Gerald spies HIS aquasocks! Hard G has been looking for them for four days. A person cant be expected to shower in a public facility without ones aquasocks, so Gerald has only been sponge bathing (or, as Tim so delicately put it, “washin yer face, under your armpits, your “sack” and thats it”) TJ finally asks for someone to unchain them, and tells Gerald that it was just a joke, admittedly a bad one. Gerald suggests that Piper might have kicked him off the show because he had poor hygiene. Im thinkin that TJ might want to ponder that while he (supposedly) plays out this entire scene in a pair of fecal filled Fruit of the Looms.
TJ apologizes, and suggests they just settle it. Gerald can pick the contest, the loser bows out of the show. Sarcastically, Gerald says they could have a “Diarrhea Off”. Oh, the possiblities there....look for it on Joe Schmo 3 “Montecore-ma’s Revenge”. Naturally, it would take place in Mexico, but thats another summary. They agree on a Dance-Off”, with the ladies as judges. They “pound” on it. They trash talk about the other one “getting served”. TJ went to school on the “ultimate dance trilogy.......Breakin 1, Breakin 2 Electric Bugaloo, AND Beech Street”. Gerald says that if Patrick Swayze has danced it, Gerald’s learned it. “AND I own Flashdance (20th Anniversary) on DVD.....beyotch.....How do you like me now?” As a testament to Geralds confidence, he declares that he will also dance in his aquasocks.
As we prepare to see the Dance Off, Tim tells us that this has been one of the weirdest days of his life. “One of”? Let me see...a freaky unbalanced housemate kills a falcon with his bare hands,.....you get handcuffed to a woman who has breasts bigger than your head and are required to make pottery...you’re chained together with 7 other people taking dance lessons from Goldmember, causing another housemate to have a public colon blow, crap himself, and then force all 7 of you to go with him to change his underwear.......at which time you discover that he has played a bad practical joke on your OTHER housemate that caused him not to shower for four days and they decide to settle the score by having a Dance Off. What fraternity did you say you were in?
Gerald says he feels violated, and everyone is sympathetic. Tim says its still hilarious, but felt bad that Gerald had to go that long without a shower. As they prepare for the Dance Off, Tim wonders aloud if “everyones in on this” and he just doesnt know anything about it. He also says that hes embarrassed for TJ and Gerald that the nation is going to have to see them in their Dance Off. TJ moves, grooves, shakes that thing in a manner that would make Goldmember proud. Gerald leaps, spins and seems to channel The Solid Gold Dancers. His big finish is a Flashdance pose on the chair, while Tim showers him with bottled water. Amanda votes for TJ, Cammy votes for Gerald, Ingrid agonizes over breaking the tie, but says Gerald just “brought it home” and gives him her vote. Tim wants to know if these guys have ever really been in a Dance Off before. Gerald tells him “Oh yeah....Im, like, 7-0.” Cut to Geralds room, where he cant wait to get out of his precious aquasocks and have a nice exfolliation.
As the night winds down, its time for the Double Trouble Eviction Ceremony. The ladies plead their cases. Austin gives the first pearl necklace to Ingrid. Cammy sports a big grin, she looks at Austin, licks her finger, and adjusts her top. Judging by the look on Amandas face, she knows shes toast. No way is Austin going to choose her over Cammy. But, incredibly, he DOES!
The suitors say their peace. Piper lights Tims candle first. She says she will always consider Gerald her blonde buddy, but she chooses to light TJs wick. Gerald walks up and blows out TJs candle. Twice. He reminds TJ that the loser of the Dance Off was supposed to bow out. TJ says that he changed his mind. Derek tells Gerald that he has to leave, that the Dance Off wasnt part of the show, and wasnt “binding”. Though upset, Gerald tries to see the silver lining...he IS leaving with a $40 candle after all. He says that he will let America decide who is the bigger man. Piper stresses that she doesnt think that shes the right person for Gerald, but that that person is out there. We are treated to a dreamy close up of Austin and a pearl necklace while violins play in the background. Gerald and his candle leave.
In an unexpected and shocking Falconless twist, Derek reveals that while the contestants have been there competing for Austin and Piper, and they have also been competing AGAINST Austin and Piper. They are trying to decide if they want to start anew with one of the contestants, or rekindle the romance between the two of them. Derek leaves them to ponder how this will effect the way they play the game. And so it ends.
Next week, on a 2 hour finale: The gloves are off, Amandas genuinely interested, Tim wonders if hes out of the loop, Amanda get implants, Tim gets a toupee, its Austins turn to be shocked, Piper says its not a game, and Austin and Piper make a decision that effects everyones lives. Its going to be almost as exciting as seeing who was going to actually write this summary!
ETA: this is for Episode 8........I forgot that Woe couldnt edit her title from last week, and I goofed. sorry!