(sorry for the delay guys, I was thrown off by the long weekend, and kid issues. Its of Landru-esque proportions,though not nearly as funny as one of his would be. I hope you find it mildly amusing.)

Previously, on Joe Schmo........Those wacky jokesters at SpikeTV sweat bullets wondering if Ingrid is on to their little game......The housemates threw a suprise birthday party for Tim revealing the memories of a pathetic childhood...Cammy reveals she likes her beans with a little pork (yes, that’s code)...Tim tries his moves on Piper (who, if she wasn’t a mannequin, would be SO out of his league) and Austin stops just short of giving one last pearl necklace. Ladies, bare your necks, and gents, present your wicks. Im about to reveal what happened on the MOST.SHOCKING.EPISODE.IN.HISTORY!

As we open, Austin is, after a long, dramatic pause, rested enough to give Ingrid a pearl necklace. She grins from ear to ear as she approaches Austin. He asks her permission to adorn her, to which she replies “Yes, please” in what she believes is her “sexy” voice. Do you think she’s got any clue what he’s really asking? Somehow, I don’t believe her answer would be any different if she did. After their intimate moment in front of God and the 15 people that are actually watching the show, Austin sighs and turns to Ambrosia. He tells her that he felt they were connecting, but that the he talked to the other girls and they told him that she was a f(bleep)in b!tch. In the worst bit of acting ever broadcast, Ambrosia “weeps” as Austin hands her back the tiara she gave him when he arrived. Ingrid looks uncomfortable with Austin’s language, and gives ‘Brosia a sorrowful look. Derek, in a scripted Freudian slip, calls her Omarosa when asking if she has any parting words. She goes into a tirade about being third runner up, tosses her tiara on the floor. Girlfriend couldn’t shine Ho-marosa’s shoes. The big “O” would of wrapped that tiara around Austin’s jewel bag, and twisted ‘til he was spitting diamonds. As it was, Ambrosia screams that “This whole show is a joke!”

Derek is mortified, calling the show a “remarkable journey” adding that it was cast just the day before by Hollywood agents. He touches on everything that gave Ingrid doubts about the show. He tells Ingrid that she’s been living in a house full of “talented” actors hired to take her on a wild ride. You’d think this show could do one thing that didn’t reek of a bad porn flick, wouldn’t you? And, just in case you’re interested, I don’t believe for one minute that this means that Cammy wasn’t in “Porked and Beans”. It just means that her agent got her a semi-legit gig afterward. Ingrid is relieved to know that she’s not going crazy. Derek continues on, telling her that she’s been impossible to fool, stopping just short of telling her that she’s been a total pain in the #####. He reveals that Tim is the now the only one who believes that the show is real, and offers her the opportunity to stay in the house, join the cast, and make $100,000.00 if they can fool him until the end of the show. She thinks about it for roughly 5 seconds, and says “I’LL DO IT!!!”. She asks the rest of the cast to stop acting like lunatics. Cammy says loudly “I’m not really dumb!!” and states that her boobs ARE real. Yeeeeaaaaah, right.

Cut to the post-ceremony interview with Ingrid. She lets us know again that she’s so relieved that it was a joke because she thought she was going crazy. And then, when the shock wore off, she had this “incredible feeling of importance” to think that all of this work could be done around *her*. That’s right Ingrid, the casting people saw you on the street and said “Hey, lets create a show around this incredible woman! She needs to have her own show! She’s so hot....lets put her in a house with a bunch of freaks and see how many idiotic stunts we can make her do. That way, we can show millions of people just how intelligent and sophisticated she is!” Ingrid has a Master's Degree in International Relations and does contract work with the UN and other government agencies, but it took Joe Schmo to give meaning to her life. Finally, she can die a happy woman.

In the production meeting in the morning, the directors ask “the next Hollywood Starlet” to tone down the “Truman Show” comments. He encourages everyone to support each other and have fun while they humiliate Tim. After a rousing round of applause, they head off for the mansion.

They congregate on the verandah, with Tim, for the “Falcon Twist”. The falcon nearly decapitates Tim as it swoops in with the “twist”...... 2 new suitors waiting to join the game, but only one will join the cast of talented actors and the clueless dude with compensation issues. Austin and the PiperDoll have to choose between 2 doors, each one having a new contestant behind them. Sort of like a live version of Mystery Date. Piper’s hoping for the geek that will become Bill Gates, and Austin wants a girl just like mom. Except hot.

Ultimately, Austin lets PiperDoll choose. She picks the door on the right. The biggest twist in reality show history is revealed, as SUPRISE, it’s a new Schmo-ette! Her name is Amanda (hopefully she wont figure it out). It lends the show a bit of ‘cred in Amanda’s eyes because she remembers seeing Ingrid at the casting call. Derek introduces the dreamboat that IS Austin. Tim checks out Amanda, wishing he had saved his spanky lap dance for her. Buck up pal, there’s still time, ‘cause we all know you’re not getting anywhere near Piper’s lap.

On to the Challenge! Derek tells the gang that the original version of Last Chance for Love was filmed in England. They had many popular games on that show like “Tally Ho Ho Ho”, “Who’s in the Loo ?” and “Carton of Fags” (really, I want to know what that game entailed). Our crew is about to play one of Derek’s favorites, “Bangers and Mash”. They are playing for a spa day and one-on-one time with Austin or the PiperDoll. The contestants must, without using their hands, dig through a vat of mashed potatos for a sausage (yes, the “banger”). When they have retrieved a banger, they have to place it in the bun of another contestant, thereby eliminating that person from having the “alone” time with Austin or Piper. The last person to get a banger in their bun, wins the date. For some unexplained reason, they feel the need to put a bikini-clad woman, Tiffany, in the tub with the mashed potatos. Do you think that they really had a casting call for this? And who the heck would want to do that? Its not like it would be a bullet for your resume or anything. “Oh yes Mr. Coppolla, I’m sure you’ve seen my work. I was the Banger Girl on Joe Schmo2”.

On another note, I’m sure someones fantasies are being fulfilled by watching the girls shove their faces in Tiffany’s taters and come up with a six inch piece of meat. Off camera, Derek makes the observation that this is a test of Amanda’s mettle. What better way to see what she’s made of than to shove her face in mashed potatos and deep throat a sausage? Gee, I cant think of a-one. They show Tim taking a deep dive between Tiffanys legs looking for that banger. Enjoy it while you’re there buddy, its as close as you’re getting to anything that resembles action in this house.

Eventually, Gerald wins! Oh yes, he’s a happy banger. Derek tells Gerald that he gets to choose between Austin and Piper for his date. After careful consideration, he chooses Piper. Tim manages to piss himself laughing in the amount of time it takes Gerald to make his decision. Just once, I’d like to see Gerald punch Tim in the face.

Austin takes the ladies on a group date for a manicure/pedicure. Wonderful idea, if he’s the one giving them. Otherwise, its just kinda creepy....or lame. I haven’t decided which. Amanda says that she could see herself dating Austin, because he’s got a “sense of humor” which is the Number One Important Thing to her. Honey. Having him laugh at you for cramming your face into a tub o’ taters does not qualify as “a sense of humor”. He’s thinking “Whatta boob. This chick would do anything for a date.” NOT “Wow! She’s a ton of fun. I think I shall choose her for my everlasting soulmate!”. Let’s just say that I don’t see us having to replace Amanda anytime soon.

Meanwhile, back at the mansion, our hapless gang of freaks is meeting Betty and Frank, PiperDolls “parents”. Betty, after seeing the guys that Piper has to choose from, decides she needs a drink. They go off together looking for some sangria and the hot pool boy. Frank hangs out with the guys and wants to know what their intentions are with regard to his daughter. Tim steps up to the plate and says that he believes they all want to “court” Piper. *Snort* is that what they’re calling it these days? Frank lets them know in no uncertain terms that he will castrate the bastige that hurts his little girl. Bryce says that there have been several times already on the show where he has had to “guard her against the craziness”. Thank God the stalker is taking care of all the weirdos. Frank can rest well now. In Tim’s one-on-one with Frank, Frank wants to know if Tim is sexually active. He sputters out what appears to be a “yes”, mercifully omitting the qualifier “one time, at band camp”. Tim then realizes that Frank was really asking if Tim was slipping Piper the banger. “NO...God no!”, he says while he crosses his legs. He should have just been honest with Dad here. It would have gone much better had he just said “I gave it a shot, Sir, no pun intended. I used my best ‘slide your arm around her in the dark to cop a feel’ move and she just wasn’t going for it.”

Cut back to the group date. The producers have Ingrid tell Amanda that Cammy told her that she was in a “soft core” porn video that involved a “food fetish”. Ingrid also shared that Cammy gets excited when she’s around food and men. Considering I’ve exhausted all of the banger jokes, I’m just gonna have to let that one go, folks. Amanda now finds Ingrid “untrustworthy” for spilling the, um, beans on Cammy.

The men are being given a “health treatment” from Nurse Tabitha who apparently moonlights as a stripper. After seeing her cleavage, I know where the term “Silicone Valley” comes from, and let me tell you, its got nothing to do with computers. As Gerald dances along, Tim asks for beer. He’s not going to drink it, he just needs to hold it in his crotch for awhile. Bryce looks horrified, and TJ comes as close to dry humping her as they can show on TV. Tim says he is shocked that TJ would behave that way in front of Piper’s dad. He also admits that he’s been to a strip club before and apologizes to his mom.

After Nurse Tabitha leaves, a FAX comes in. Derek has sealed envelopes in his hand that contains “deep, dark secrets” from the men’s pasts. They will remain sealed as long as each of the men can perform a task at dinner with Piper’s parents. TJ has to kiss Betty on the lips, Bryce has to stick his tongue in Piper’s ear in the presence of her parents. Gerald has to tell how he lost his virginity, and Tim must incorporate the word “cunnilingus” into the conversation three times. Derek wishes them luck, and sends them in to dinner.

After a gaggle of insipid commercials, we come back to find the guys and Piper’s family joining hands, heads bowed while Frank says grace. Frank is asking for a blessing, and Tim’s just hoping it won’t be his cajones on a platter for dinner. TJ is looking down Betty’s blouse, Bryce is planning a mass hypnotism, and Gerald is being sensitive to Franks desire to pray. TJ asks Gerald to take his picture with Piper and Betty. TJ suggests that both ladies kiss him on the cheek, he turns his head at the last minute and kisses Betty on the lips. His task is done. Gerald is the next to take the leap. He starts off with a story about having too much red wine, but fails to tell everyone about his “first time”. TJ catches Tim in the kitchen and tries to persuade him to say “cun-na-nig-a-lus”. Tim laments the fact that he is sitting right across the table from Frank, thinking he could have snuck it past if he had been sitting farther down the table. Oh, good call Tim. I’m positive that Frank would like you better if you talked about cunnanigalus to his wife instead of Piper. But look on the bright side, at least Mom would be in your corner! Bryce, TJ and Gerald set Tim up to get “cunnilingus” in at dinner, but alas, he canna do it.

As dinner ends, Derek arrives to open the secret envelopes. Shockingly, there is a picture of Gerald in drag in his envelope. Gerald explains that he lost a bet, but that dressing in drag was kind of fun. Bryce is shown trying to hypnotize Piper. He tells her that every time she hears the word “mockingbird” that she will be madly in love with him. She laughs. He snaps his fingers to “unhypnotize” her, and she snaps her fingers back at him. Frank demands to know what’s going on. In a stroke of genius, Bryce tells him that it’ a blatant attempt by the producers to create a bad impression of him through editing. Frank calls Bryce ‘creepy’. Bryce says it was supposed to be “creepy, but funny”, which pretty much sums up his role on the show. They move on to a tape of Tim giving Gerald a lap dance at the birthday party Right. In front. Of Piper. Frank was not amused, and Tim felt smaller than he already is.

Derek reappears. What better way to end dinner than with a bit of truth serum? In a scene reminiscent of my high school days, the suitors will be hooked up to a lie detector and the parents will be asking the questions. Bryce has the look of a man who has been hooked up to an electric chair instead of a lie detector as he takes the first turn in the “hot seat”. Frank and Betty ask if it would be a problem to wait until marriage to have sex with Piper (NO), if he wants to sleep with their daughter (YES), if Piper, God forbid, was in a horribly disfiguring accident, would Bryce still love her (YES). The examiner indicates he answered truthfully. Tim says he would have asked Bryce if he had ever been arrested for being a stalker. Oddly enough, he finds Bryce to be “quirky and spooky”. Heh. My ESP tells me that we aint seen nothin yet.

TJ takes his turn. They ask if Piper wanted to wait until the wedding night to have sex with Piper, if that would be a problem (NO), if he has ever lied to a woman to procure sex (NO), if Frank was sucked into a turbine engine at work and needed a kidney if TJ would give him one (NO). The examiner says that he lied on all but the kidney donation question.

Gerald is up next. In a cut away interview, Gerald tells us that its the first time in a couple of days that Tim gets reminded that Gerald might be a homo-sexs-shoo-al. The parents ask the “wait for sex” question (YES), of all the women in the house, is he most attracted to Piper (of all the women? YES), does he want to sleep with Piper (YES). Tim is nearly falling out of his chair when the examiner says all are lies except the attraction question. I cant wait for the confrontation. My guess is that when Tim finally broaches the sexuality question with Gerald, Geralds response will be “ ME? GAY? No way, but aren’t you? I mean, that lap dance was pretty suggestive.....”

**Disclaimer** Until Tim’s turn, the examiner was faking the results.** The machine WAS real, however, and Tim’s evaluation is based on actual results. Tim gets strapped in the seat, and the first thing that Frank asks is if Tim is intimidated by him. Tim says “NO”, and it’s a lie. Betty asks if he has ever been unfaithful to a girlfriend (Yes, truth). Frank asks the “no sex until marriage” question, Tim responds truthfully that it WOULD be a problem for him. He answers a definite YES to being most attracted to Piper, and affirms that he does want to sleep with her. No surprises there at all. He also would donate a kidney if Frank got sucked into the turbine engine.

In a DRAMATIC twist, the parents get to choose someone to give immunity to in tonight’s Wick Ceremony. They choose Gerald, who they feel is least likely to “take advantage” of their little girl. Tim is obviously pissed. He’s willing to give up a kidney fer chrissakes, and they choose Mr. Fairypants? Oh the humanity!

Finally, the Wick Ceremony, where one of the suitors will be cast off into the government-assisted ghetto of love. Tim says that he’s “hooked” and looking for more, so she should keep him there. Bryce wrote another poem “Light me, ignite me, Flame of Love”. Not bad for a psycho. Gerald says that he just loves Pipers mom. They had a great connection that almost made him feel like he was her daughter, and that was “just special”. He also comments on Piper’s fab dress. TJ, cradling his candle like a giant schwantz, tells Piper that both she and her mother have “hot” ankles, and he liked that.

PiperDoll makes an inane speech about how much she’s enjoyed meeting everyone, blahblahblah. She prepares to dip their wicks in her flame of love. She calls up Gerald first. She chooses TJ second. Finally, she calls Tim over and has him present his wick. Bryce weeps and cant believe it when Piper says that they didn’t have any chemistry. He can barely speak he’s so torn up. She knows how he feels about her (MOCKINGBIRD!), she doing something crazy(MOCKINGBIRD!)! He asks to hug Piper, she agrees and he says “Mockingbird” once more in her ear. Can you believe the post hypnotic suggestion isnt working? Im stunned. Bryce moves out of the room, visibly upset. There is sobbing and gnashing of teeth. Expect to see Bryce lurking in the bushes until the end of the show shouting out “mockingbird” at every opportunity.

Next time? Cammy shows Tim her talents, we get a blast from the past, and we see the most shocking pearl necklace ceremony in television history.

awww come on....you know that Piper is going to ultimately choose Austin!