I feel the need to preface this summary with a bit of a warning since there is much innuendo, however it could be just delusions of the twisted mind of this writer. It is also somewhat lengthy. Furry Sacks and Boxes, Spankings and Shocking Twists
Last time on Mo Schmo:
Ambrosia has become the ##### she was hired to play, telling Ingrid she is being paranoid and ruining the game for the rest of them, the falcon with suicidal tendencies had a really bad day as well as a severe migraine from all the head trauma after repeatedly crashing face first into the glass doors, Tim was distracted by Cammy’s upper body assets and Ernies wick was left unlit, casting him out of the house and Piper’s picks due to her shallowness at not being able to conjure up a good fantasy with a guy who was a little overweight.
First up is our morning meeting where Ingrid is discussed and how they think the show is still manageable even though she seems to be onto them at times. Ambrosia is told to turn up the bitchiness, Eleanor has lost her locket and is to get emotional about it since she is cast as the weepy one and to keep it real as Tim is still there playing the game. Added bonus was getting to see Brian, of pixilated boob fame from Joe Schmo One, in the meeting, which isn’t probably all that surprising since he is one of the executive producers, but still how can one not be happy to see Brian “the buddy”?
Our contestants commence to morning greetings, Ingrid giving Tim a hug and kiss and wishing him Happy Birthday. She tells him she made him a card and circulated it , but wait, Eleanor has lost her necklace. Let the drama begin. She says maybe she lost it in her bed. Ambrosia, being the ##### she is says hold the presses while Eleanor goes to look for it or she may freak out on them. Standing behind Eleanor, Tim points to his head like he going to make the universal sign for crazy but stops in time and just scratches his head instead.
Tim swears they will find it since it couldn’t have grown little locket legs and skidaddled, thereby deducing it has to be there somewhere. Good job Sherlock. Everyone searches and the drama causes Ambrosia to become even more bitchy.
Over a meal they discuss the previous evenings shenanigans with Austin and Cammy doing the vertical mambo in the grapes. This leads to a debate on what to call Cammys “girls”, boobs or breasts? The final count was boobs 4, breasts 5 and Cammy was talking so fast she started to say her real name. Oops. Leave it to the blonde (reminiscent of Molly in Schmo One) to mix real life with the fake one she is to play. Oh, that’s right she is Cammy, the moron.
Derek enters, carrying Bryces mutant cannibalistic frog. Uh oh. Piper is returning it since it grosses her out and is unable or unwilling to care for it. Ingrid tries to be nice to “Cruiser” and says Piper just doesn’t know how to feed it, showing some compassion for our resident stalker and creepy guy. Derek informs them that this evening will be a pearl necklace ceremony with just the ladies in attendance, sorry fellas. They go back to discussing the frog from hell.
We now take you to a commercial (or 8) break. Taco Bell, yada yada, Coca Cola C2, blah blah blah, Blockbuster, brak, brak, brak, Match.com for losers who can’t find a date, Finish Line, whatever, Sam Adams beer, okay, a local commercial for Zippy’s, aren’t I the lucky one?, Time Warner, enough already.
Back to the show. The gang assembles outside where Derek informs them it is said that the fastest way to a lovers heart is though their stomachs (aiming about 6” high with this group I think) and so they are to play a game called “Taste my Treats” whereby the women are given furry covered boxes and the men furry covered sacks. They are to pick recipe cards listing Piper and Austin’s favorite dishes and show their culinary skills. Once completed they will place their dishes in their sacks and boxes for Piper and Austin to taste, blindfolded. Ingrid loses it every time Derek says sacks and boxes, she can’t help it. Her mind is in the gutter with mine. I like her. The winners will win a night out of the house at one of California’s most exclusive restaurants. It is rigged for Tim to win the date off grounds with Piper.
Cammy picks the first card and gets tossed salad, big culinary skills needed here, but she is blonde so it may be a challenge. Ingrid loses it again. Eleanor gets a banana split, Ingrid gets pasta with clam sauce and says “something fishy” (gee, ya think?), Ambrosia selects warm cherry pie. Now for the guys: TJ gets mixed nuts, Ingrid is in hysterics, but comments “couldn’t be more appropriate”, Bryce is to make meatballs with Marinara sauce, Gerald chooses pigs in a blanket and our Tim gets fish tacos, mmmm. It’s off to the kitchen
Back outside and Austin and Piper are brought out to taste the treats. Box #1, Cammy, to porn music, is in front of Austin who is told to stick his face in her box (I am not making this up) and Derek says back in line Cammy. Well, carp, what was the purpose of the blindfold? Like we don’t know Austin has a thing for Cammy. Eleanor presents her banana split and Austin exhibits his displeasure by gagging and saying how nasty it is. Not nice to do to the weepy one. Get some sensitivity training will ya?
Moving right along, Ingrid places her box in Austins face for a taste, he says “a little garlicky but good” and then Ambrosia with the warm cheery, err, cherry pie, which is so good he goes back for seconds “mmmm, cherry” he informs us.
Pipers’ turn. Bryce is told to put his sack right up there in her face and Piper is laughing and has to be told by Derek, in his “serious” voice trying to contain his laughter “Piper, put your face in the sack”. He asks her what she tasted and she says a meatball. Bwaahahahahahahaha. TJ steps up next and takes her head to push it down in his sack and I feel like I am watching porn here since he makes the “O” face and Ingrid loses it yet again. He is the playah though so I guess he had to look like he enjoyed it.
TJ says he knows his nuts were salty but he tried to sweeten them up…..by adding gummy bears.
Gerald had to just take the “pig” out of his sack and feed it to her and he eats one himself. Tim, being the gentleman, has propped his taco over the edge of the sack so Piper doesn’t have to shove her head in it. Nice guys finish first and he gets the date. Tim’s comment “she liked it and she picked the guy with the best sack and that’s me”. This warms Ingrids’ heart but now I’m losing it.
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Commercials: Atari, Taco Bell, Jose Cuervo, Scion (fugly new cars?), Starbucks double shot espresso, Taco Bell, Joe Schmo One DVD.
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Tim and Piper set out on their date, she was nervous, he asks questions, which she repeats. We never hear the answers. They have some beers and spaghetti, he pushes the meatball over to her with his nose (so he says), a burping contest, and he declares her “rubber duck a luscious”. Cue corny music.
She has the mouth of a sailor and they see how many times they can use fvck in their conversation. He thinks this is awesome because he doesn’t have to watch what he says. His strategy is to be himself. They dissect the other contestants and when Piper asks if Tim would let his sister date Bryce he says he wouldn’t let Bryce walk his dog.
The date concludes with Tim sucking helium out of the balloons before he tells her how much he enjoyed their date. He wants to kiss her but she tells him her dad would f*!#ing kill her. No post date action, parents are watching.
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Back to Eleanor and the drama of the lost locket. Tim devises a plan to give her Cammy’s, who never wears hers anyway. He looks like a swell guy and she has at least a momentary pause from weeping. I am ready to slap her just to give her something to weep about, okay?
Right to Tim’s birthday party, woo hoo!!!! Cake, hats, noise makers, face paints, yippee. Let’s be 10 again. Time for 29 whacks and Tim bends over the bed to “take it like a man” as Gerald put it. I am curious as to why he feels the need to hold his crotch while he gets his spanking. Maybe someone will enlighten me on this aspect.
He and Piper paint each others faces and Bryce just writes “PIPER” across his forehead, with a little heart dotting the “I”, totally creeping Piper out so she wipes it off.
Time for games: Truth or Dare. Piper takes the dare, Tim says to sing, she regales us with “Oh Danny Boy”. Dare for Tim too and he gets to lapdance for Gerald and thinks he owes Gerald for the party so how about dry humping Gerald’s face? Tim says “He had me at hello” and it was his best birthday ever.
Cammy takes Ingrid to the bathroom to come clean about her porn movie history and Ingrid thinks she is on candid camera. The cameraman’s battery goes dead and stops to change it and Cammy stops the story to wait before finishing her story. Ingrid is on to her. Ingrid says if she had never told anyone before why do so on national TV and wait for the camera guy. HELLO?
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Commercials, different ones but enough already.
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Cammy and Ingrid continue: the film Cammy did was “Porked and Beans” and Ingrid can’t NOT laugh at her now. She informs Cammy that this is not erotic food like say “strawberries or cantaloupe for example”. Ingrid is back to being a conspiracy theorist, with good reason. She is disappointed that she didn’t “get her script under the door” like everyone else.
Cut to producers meeting: Much debate and argument and saying “Tim is still pristine” and gee golly people what do we do? Flashbacks to all the foul ups where Ingrid thinks it’s all bunk. Evict or not to evict, that is the question. Unknown guy says “it’s 11:30 and I’m really effing sick of debating it, now what do you want to do?”
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Commercials, AAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!
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On to our Pearl Necklace Ceremony:
They each get an opportunity to beg for their necklace. Odd close-up camera angles: each of the ladies, the falcon, the room. Ingrid is first and says she came for adventure and possibility, tells a story about a Christmas ornament, an angel with a heart in it’s hands, and she is handing Austin her heart.
More weird angles: Eleanor, Austin, Cammy, Derek, Ingrid, Cammy, all the women, Ambrosia, Ingrid, Austin, Derek, who tells Eleanor she is next. Wait a second, I’m dizzy.
Eleanor syas she got her first necklace and wants a second.
Angels: Austin, Ambrosia and Cammy, the falcon, the mutant frog, Ingrid, Derek, Ambrosia, Cammy, Eleanor (tugging up her dress which she is almost falling out of), Ingrid, and Derek, who says it is Ambrosia’s turn.
Her plea: “I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead our way” OMG she is saying it word for word! Her conclusion is that she and Austin may have children one day together. He says “wow”
Angles: Ingrid, Eleanor, Ingrid, Cammy, Cammy’s feet, WTF?
Cammy’s turn. She has a smile that won’t go away and it started when he tasted her box and decided it was the tastiest. “So when you are deciding who to give a pearl necklace to, would you think of my box and think of me smiling, thinking of you eating my box”. Ingrid loses it again.
Austin addresses the group: he wishes he could give more than the 3 he has. Yeah, whatever.
First necklace goes to Eleanor. Whoa, I didn’t see that coming. Maybe he did get that sensitivity training I recommended after all. Eleanor beams.
More angles, fast and furious, the suspense is mounting.
Cammy gets necklace #2, no surprise there.
The angles go so fast my head is spinning and goes to black with TO BE CONTINUED, although we do hear Austin say “you’re a fvcking b!tch”. Ohhhh noooo!!! And a female voice saying “OH MY GOD”.
Next on Joe Schmo:
On a special 90 minute episode: what will happen to Ingrid? Guess which strangers are coming to dinner. They pan to a bunch of people who I don’t know from Adam except for Matt Kennedy Gold and the nearsighted falcon and SHOCK OF SHOCKS: the most shocking twist in the history of television that will change the show forever” Uh huh, yeah, sure whatever.
Fish and Game Officer of G.A.W.K.U.R's of OT
Go ahead and bash my first real summary, I understand that's a good sign 
There is no memory with less satisfaction in it than the memory of some temptation we resisted--James Branch Cabell
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Thanks for being kind. I was concerned. And I noticed it had a couple of spelling errors but I didn't want to go back and make it less pretty.
