They're back. And for some of them, the loserdom will continue to ooze from every pore until the hardships of the course and their own stupidity -- mostly the later -- finally do us the honor of getting them off our screens.
At least until Season #19. Because some teams just never finish any of their business. (Right, Jen?)
Returning whether we like it or not:
Gary Ervin and Mallory Ervin
I found them more or less tolerable, in large part because Mallory had a secondary mission of taking every pageant stereotype and using them as her bridge to walk through the manure piles. I just don't know what made them enough of a producer favorite to justify a return over so many others. Segmented marketing?
Jet McCoy and Cord McCoy
Homophobia that comes with its very own theme music. Crack that whip, tote that barge, demean those competitors, dance with the girl that brought you followed by beating up the boys in the parking lot, and be oh so glad that you're the alpha male team because after the end of your last run, it's clear you have absolutely nothing else going for you. Welcome to villainhood, buckos -- hope you brought the black hats.
Nathaniel "The Big Easy" Lofton and Herbert "Flight Time" Lang
And now, for your entertainment, we present the world's first Roadblock in which a contestant will be forced to spell their own name. It's a very special episode. Presented in real time and everything! And do you have any idea how hard it was to clear six straight hours of network programming? Just don't make fun of the time required to the participants in an attempt to make them quit. They hate that. Unless, of course, they're doing it. Hey, Nathaniel -- spell 'it'. Wrong!
Zev Glassenberg and Justin Kanew
Or as they will henceforth be known, Sheldon & Leonard. Given the theme of the season, they're one of the teams who had a real argument for coming back. I don't have any real trouble with their presence, but I think they're going to exit early again. Here's your duck. And here's your twenty dollars.
Cara Rosenthal and Jaime Edmondson
There's only one thing I can do about their showing up, and I'm going to do it now.
Hello? 911? I need to report a screaming bitch emergency...
Amanda Blackledge and Kris Klicka
Okay, there's an argument here for 'And this time, they'll be the ones doing the screwing!' Plus Amanda has a few people desperately wishing for a reinterpretation on that last sentence. Decent Racers, but not exactly dynamic.
Jennifer Hoffman and LaKisha Hoffman
At this time, I would like to register an official request for this team to go through the race with their mouths taped shut.
Margie Adams and Luke Adams
And at this time, I would also like to ask for this team to run the course with their fingers taped together. (Fair's fair.)
I know the show wants the rivalry. I know they want the screamed accusations, even if half of them will need to be translated for the AMSLAN-unknowing. They want fights, collisions at clue boxes, and triple-checking of the no-contact rules. Y'know what I want? A double-elimination. Which would technically be a quadruple. Hey, we're back in Family Edition! Get rid the families first!
Mel White and Mike White
Mel? Absolutely great guy. Would be an absolute blast to hang out with for a few hours. Joy to indulge in conversation with. I could talk to his son about screenwriting for a while, and I absolutely know we'd all have a good time, potentially finishing with a promise to get back together for more of the same. As Racers?
Kynt Cothron and Vyxsin Fiala
Of course, if we wanted to make this fair, Vyxsin would be racing around the world towing a 120-lb anchor. (It's basically the same thing as what she's going to wind up doing, only with a chance for her partner to be a little more active.) I have no problems with getting her back. Kynt, however, is likely to remain 'Kant' (which remains an entirely different philosophy), and may even go to 'Shouldnyt'. On that one, we may be too late.
Ronald Hsu and Christina Hsu
The sickness in my stomach comes from an overdose of real Ron flavor. Migawd, do you realize that forty seconds from now, he's scheduled to finally finish his last sentence? The new one will begin with criticisms of his daughter. And us. And his daughter. And the world. And bicycle color labeling. And his daughter. And his daughter. And his daughter. And his -- does any of this sound familiar? It should: if you listen to the wind, you'll pick up the background noise of him doing it right now!
It's gonna be a long Race.
'Unfinished business'. That's funny. Most sewage treatment plants completely process the crap.
Toni & Dallas would have come, but they couldn't find their passports.