Official The Next Joe Millionaire Show Episode 4 Summary – Linda and the BeastsTale as old as time,
True as true can be
Girl thinks guy is rich,
She becomes a bitch,
No surprise to me…
AyaK: Bebo, didn’t you do a “Beauty and the Beast” rip-off during your Joe Millionaire summary last season.
Bebo: If they can recycle ideas, why can’t I?
AyaK: Good point. Cue music.Just a little change,
Small to say the least
Need some clueless girls,
Search around the world,
Sequels are a beast.
Is it just me, or does their theme music sound like “City Slickers 3: The Quest for More Humiliation and Ratings?”
Note: This summary is made up of 90% recycled material. Kinda like Fox’s fall schedule.
Paul’s Recycled Bourbon Fireplace Opening
Paul sets the stage for the audience by telling us that the girls willing be put to work on a horse ranch. Hee hee hee, this time, the manure they’ll be shoveling around David will be actual horse excrement.
Animals on Parade...and Horses, Too
The girls are coming down for breakfast, and telling each other about their dreams. Anyone expecting a rendition of “Someday My Prince Will Come” at this point is sorely disappointed. Their musings sound more like Eva Gabor during the “Green Acres” intro as they dream of shopping and spas.
Paul walks in to announce that they are going to Tuscan horse ranch. As a typical Fox viewer, I am grateful for this frequent recap, since I missed the part about a Tuscan horse ranch the first time he brought this up to us. I have no attention span. Oh, yeah, I’m writing a summary, sorry. Their trip will be an overnighter, but before they pack, they are getting presents. Nine sets of eyes light up. Presents! Now you’re talkin’, Paul.
What present would a cowboy give to the European babes he’s trying to impress?
a. Italian shoes
b. Anything from Hermes
c. Cowgirl hats and boots
If you answered anything but c, what show are you watching?
The girls are excited about riding. Linda says she doesn’t know how, but she’s looking forward to having David teach her. Oh, darn, they were talking about riding horses.
Commercials…Who was the genius that actually thought someone would pay to get “Joe 2 Go” text messages? Probably the same guy who thought that Fox should sue itself over a “Simpsons” episode.
All they wanna do is ride around David (Ride, David, ride)…
David tells the girls they look nice. They agree. It’s nice to see that European girls don’t have the same esteem issues that American girls do.
David asks them is they want to ride, and they’re psyched. Then he points out that he means horses, and they’re not as enthused. Then he points out that they have to clean the stables first, and, well, not as enthused doesn’t begin to describe their reaction to that news. Lina whines about her nails and asks why he couldn’t hire someone to clean the stables. Anique thinks it’s logical to have to do some work. Suck-up. Linda just watches. Hmm, she wants David to teach her to ride, and she likes to watch. Must.not.go.there. Olinda just got busy, showing that she’s quite experienced in shoveling crap. Petra moves some stuff around for a few minutes, decides she’s done, and joins the others on the sidelines. Resisting the urge to compare their efforts in the stables to efforts in the bedroom. Then again, sometimes it’s just enough to suggest it and let you use your own dirty minds.
Finally, there’s riding. Yes, I mean horses again. When David puts on his rodeo chaps, Olinda enjoys how they show off his butt. Lina thought he looked sexy. Anique was finding him more attractive since he seemed more natural, like he wasn’t acting. If you only knew. Kristyna wanted to ride…Hurricane, so David put her up on the horse with him. Oooh, if looks could kill, she would have fallen right off with a broken neck. I thought I heard meowing.
Giada whines. “I’m tired. I’m hungry.” We girls know that the best way to a man’s heart is through whining and complaints. You go girl.
Linda is ready to get off the horse, but David swings up behind her to convince her to ride a little longer. Yes, I still mean the horse. While they’re on the horse together, the sun shines more brightly, the birds start chirping, and…New and a bit alarming,
Who’d have thought that this could be
He’s richer than Prince Charming
But there’s something in him that I simply didn’t see
There’s something sweet
And almost kind
And on this horse, he’s close to me and I don’t mind
And now he’s dear
I’m scared, not sure
I think there’s something there that wasn’t there before.
And what do the other girls think while this little romance is going on? Me. Ow.
Next, David informs his ladies that they’ll be camping and walks them down to the tents. Now I don’t know about you, but I’ve never seen tents like these in the L.L. Bean catalog. And those tables and chairs? Definitely not your fold-up camping variety.
Oh.my.heck. WTF is Paul wearing? The last time I was in Tuscany, camping attire did not come from the Steve Irwin, Crocodile Hunter Collection. Honey, you’re in the wrong Disney rip-off summary, since that look belongs in a Tarzan rip-off, not a B&B one.Be our guest
Be our guest
Put our service to the test
See the beefcake with the cooler and then we’ll provide the rest
For the whores
As you fight to make him yours
Watch the chef sling round the beef
Barbecue beyond belief…
Tuscan Pool Party
And it wouldn’t be a Fox reality show without a swimming pool and bikini-clad women! Luckily, everyone knew that their day trip attire should include bathing suits. Giada appreciates the view as David saunters by in trunks that threaten to expose Fox’s crack problem. Olinda keeps trying to pull down his trunks to see his butt. See, even her fascination with his butt is recycled. Olinda shows she’s the Queen of Subtlety by announcing to the girls, “Are you girls pissed that I’m touching David?” In my fantasy, they all scream YES, swarm her and drown her. Alas, we’re not treated to a response.
Next, David decides to audition the girls for the “ride off into the sunset” scene that will end the finale episode. Kristyna, Cat, and Linda are the lucky riders. Yes, I’m talking about a horse AGAIN. Giada’s jealous. By now, I’m convinced that she’s the seven dwarves' long-lost sister, Bitchy.
At dinner, Linda sits beside David, and he’s obviously hanging on her every word. Now that’s all well and good in an intimate Italian bistro, but on this gold-digging cat farm, the claws come out and the hissing starts. Linda caves quickly to the peer pressure. Honey, if you can’t handle competition, WTF are you doing on a dating show?
After dinner, it’s time to head down to the campsite, so all the girls except Cat need to change jeans, shoes, personalities, claws, insults, etc. By the way, the next time Mr. B accuses me of overpacking, I’ll just remind him of how many different outfits these girls brought with them on their day trip. It’s like watching the Howells take the three-hour tour with Gilligan and the Skipper.
And now, let’s play the Feud! Nine gold-diggers surveyed, top 2 answers on the board to this question: Name something you do on a fake camping trip.
Survey says…#2. One answer will beat it. Name something you do on a fake camping trip.
*ding ding ding*
Number one answer!
After multiple Gong Show auditions, Linda livens up the party by singing a sad, dreary song. No wonder she’s still single. Men must need Prozac to survive a date with her.
When David gets sick of the ear torture, he asks who will camp with him and who will be staying at the hotel. Lina’s afraid of snakes (well, other than the one-eyed trouser variety). One by one, girls opt out on camping until only Petra, Cat, Alessia, and Anique are left. Wait a minute, Alessia’s in this episode?
David cries in his pillow, unable to understand why Linda would leave him after their special day. Linda explains to the camera that she couldn’t stand the gossip. Oh great, now this has turned into a bad rip-off of a self-esteem after-school special. (Note: I won a special award for fitting all of those hyphens into one sentence.)
The Morning After
Safari Paul goes down to the campsite to wake David and Cat. Where are the others? Did the Tuscan snakes get them? Please? No, Paul explains, they just snuch back to the hotel. As he woke the camping rejects, he uncovered The Evil Plot…
*cue sinister music*
They want to make Zora, I mean, Linda, leave.
*cue maniacal laughter and meowing*
Linda didn’t sleep at all. Yup, that no camping strategy worked like a charm for her. At breakfast, she tells David that her body is a temple, and that he needs to vote her out at the next Tribal Council for the good of the entire tribe. Oh great, they just ripped off last week’s episode of Survivor. What’s next, David’s going to go back to the villa and find that all of the women have been replaced by average looking women?
While the bitches clap their hands and chuckle at how Their Evil Plot has just brought them one step closer to digging their claws into David’s money, I mean, heart (no, I do mean money), David fights his disappointment. “It’s like getting a bike for Christmas and then taking it away.” And he didn’t even get to ride her first.
It’s midnight, and the evil stepsisters are winning
Back at the villa, Cardboard Hostess reminds them that there’s an elimination tonight. David is dreading saying goodbye to three of them. This makes them sad, until CH reminds them that the six who remain will receive emerald necklaces. We cut to the star-crossed lovers, as Linda regrets what she said to David and he agonizes over his choice. Will the rose in the vase fall apart? Hmm, has something happened to my tape, or is Fox recycling a recent episode of The OC?
The big moment has arrived. Six necklaces, nine girls, disasterous math.
First...Anique. David tells us she’s beautiful and loves horses.
Next…Cat. She’s a trooper, and she stayed out there all night amidst those Tuscan snakes. (Better the snakes than the skanks, IMO.)
Third…Giada. No comment from David. (Allow me. HUH????)
Next…Kristyna. Again, no comment.
The fifth necklace was for…Olinda. I’m so glad this selfless, caring, considerate angel is still with us. I know, I’ve had too much sugar.
And the sixth necklace goes to…Commercial.
Oh good, we’re not forced to endure a Paradise Hotel recap of everything that’s happened in the series to this point before we learn that the necklace goes to…Petra.
As David and Linda lock eyes across the room, Alessia starts to cry. David looks away long enough to tell her that she looks great. She knows. Recycle self-esteem joke here. He thanks the girls for coming, never taking his eyes off of Linda.
Since Alessia’s contract requires that she has a minimum of face time in each episode, we’re treated to an extended farewell scene for her. “Don’t cry for me,” she implores, but she warns that he doesn’t know what he’s losing. (Yes he does. Her name is Linda.)
Anique is pleased that Their Evil Plot worked. They needed to get rid of Linda, because he likes her. Remember my comments about self-esteem? Forget it. This girl’s obviously willing to be second-place in his heart as long as she beats her.
Lina says that they didn’t have anything in common. Do those grapes taste a little sour, hon?
Linda feels bad that she couldn’t explain to him that she’s a weak person easily swayed by other people. If course, if he had realized how easily influenced she is, he would have at least used that knowledge to get sex before sending her away. Meanwhile, David wipes away tears as he says that she voted him off today. Someone needs to explain to this boy how this game works. David, there’s no Tribal Council, there’s no voting, you need to put on the Big Boy Rodeo Chaps and take responsibility for your decisions.
Next week…the one-on-one dates!
David gets over losing the love of his life when passion ignites with Cat. And surprise, surprise, the girls turn on her. “Cat is a ho and she’s got to go.” “German btch.” Whoa, with friends like them, who needs Iraq? David gets a new impression of someone who had been on the bottom of his list. And Giada says she’ll blow up if he doesn’t pick her. Ooooh, now that’s worth tuning in for. Will she blow up real good?
*background music swells*Tale as old as time
Overblown at least
Linda’s going home
David’s dreams are thrown
‘Cause of jealous beasts.
We really do have guidelines here. Believe it or not, the Guidelines make things more fun. Really.