Fairy Tale of Joe Millionaire
As we open, this chapter, of the fairy tale that is Joe Millionaire, Paul, our favorite butler informs us that tonight is a big ball for the ladies in waiting to meet the Prince, aka David. But what the girls donít know is, that at the stroke of midnight, some of them will turn into pumpkins as soon as the ball is over.
Before the big event, Lady Lina, from Sweden, and some of the other girls are discussing their brief meeting with David. They said that he seemed shy and a little nervous. (How many times are we going to here him described this way during this episode? Not sure, but I guarantee, that if this was a drinking game, and you took a drink after every time the word shy was uttered, you would be drunk faster than you can say Texas.) Mister Paul overheard some of these comments, and reminded the girls not to underestimate a cowboy.
With two hours to go before the big event, the ladies in waiting are primping for their first meeting with the prince. The girls get to pick dresses, and have their hair and make-up professionally done (for some of them, I think they could have used a personality makeover at the same time, but, alas, that did not happen, sorry Prince.) Fox TV decides to prove that women all over the world are the same when it comes to competing for a man, and shows the evil step-sister side of some of the girls. We are treated to a montage of ladies telling some how great they look to their faces, and then in confessionals, saying how horrible the girl really looks. (Gotta love Olindaís comments about Anique wearing a ďpoison green dress with her nipples showing. Gee, do you think the Prince may like that dress? I think Anique just secured a place for the next round.) Just a reminder girls, the evil step-sisters trying to sabotage Cinderella didnít work, and it wonít work for you either.
Now for the women watching, we get to see the Prince getting ready for the ball. He wants to make a good first impression while trying to find his princess. (Have to say thank you to the producers for including plenty of clips of a shirtless Prince for us to enjoy. As CQvenus wrote in her summary last week, if he would just not talk, it would be even better. Canít agree more!) The Prince gets into his tuxedo coat and walks out of the door. But wait, something is missing Ö his bow tie. Now what kind of Prince/faux millionaire goes to a ball without a tie? Guess heís just being rebellious about his strict southern upbringing, and since he could wear spurs at the table, decides there is no reason for a tie with a tux.
Time for the Ball
He saw the ladies from a distance, but it was finally time to have formal introductions individually with each of them. (With the amount of times, that the Prince stuck his foot in his mouth during this episode, Iím starting a Cringe-o-meter for some of his comments to the girls. 1 is low, 10 is high.)
Lady Olinda, from Sweden: works in fashion. She was shaking quite a bit, and her lips were quivering as she met the Prince (must be some rare allergic due to the collagen injections in her lips. Iím not sure Iíve seen such big lips on anyone, except perhaps Julia Roberts.) The prince offered her some champagne, and before you can say yes, she was at the bar downing a glass.
Lady Linda, from the Czech Republic. Canít rip on her too much. She was really a pretty girl, and seemed to be very sweet. She told the Prince that she was a model. And he responds that he can definitely see that.
Cringe rating = 0
Next up is Lady Lina, from Sweden. The Prince asked if she had heard of Texas before. Her response, was ďTexas, yeah, sure, howdy.Ē (Lina, honey, there is more to Texas that old episodes of Dallas and old western movies, you may want to check that out sometime.) He said that he wasnít sure what to think of her, she seemed fun, but thought she was in it for the money. (NO! say it isnít so
Cringe rating for meeting with Lina = 8
Lady Alessia, from Italy. The prince canít understand a word she said to him. Thank goodness for subtitles, because I couldnít either. Apparently, she asked him something about the horse. Well, we know how much he likes the horse, so that was definitely a good question to start with on her part. However, I have to question her skill when it comes to numbers, according to Fox she is 26. Iím wondering what kind of calendar she uses to calculate her birthdays, because she looks more like 36.
Lady Karolina, from the Czech Republic. She is getting a masters degree, doesnít say in what though, since when does Masterís translate to a Mrs. Degree? (And I canít resist commenting on her dress, letís just say she was showing so much skin and cleavage, that JLo looked almost conservative in that blue/green dress from the Grammy Awards a few years ago.)
Lady Giada, from Italy (note: proper pronunciation is Gawda, close to gawdy, which describes that leopard print thing she was wearing.) She is from Italy, but just a hop and a skip away from where they are staying. (I swear the Prince said that, not me.)
Lady Jerusha, from Germany. He asked what city she was from. She politely replied, Berlin. He then responded that ďThatís the capital, right? Iím smarter than I thought I was.Ē (Well, I wonít go that far, Prince, you just need to stand there and look pretty, and you will be better off. And I just loved the look on Paulís face when he said that.)
Cringe rating = 10
Lady Johanna, law student from Germany. She said that she was from Berlin. He said which is the capital city, of course. (Gee, Iím surprised he retained that knowledge from oh, what 5 seconds before that meeting another girl from the same city, and using the same line on her.
Lady Yassamin, also from Italy. She was only with the Prince for about 2 seconds, and nothing worthy to repeat from their meeting.
Lady Tereza from the Czech Republic. The only thing I remember about her was that she was wearing a red dress, and had her hair done in some funky ponytail, that she should sue the hair stylist for letting her go on camera that way.
Lady Kristyna another lady from the Czech Republic. The Prince made some odd comment about how all girls from the Czech Republic are beautiful, because all of the ones he has seen on TV are good looking.
Lady Anique hails from The Netherlands. She is a student, so the Prince mentions that he is studying kinesiology (study of muscular development, for those like me, and Anique who didnít know what he was talking about.) This is the first time he mentioned being a student, so Iím not sure if this is true, but if it was a lie, he did that very convincingly (For the one and only time during this episode.)
Lady Petra is also from The Netherlands. I guess the Princeís tutoring with Mister Paul paid off, because he did remember that Holland is where they wear the wooden shoes. He then must have caught Paulís look of disgust, and immediately changed the subject, and offered her a drink. I guess he was trying to get her tipsy in hopes she would forget what he said.
Cringe rating: 40 (10 from me, and 15 from Paul the Butler, and 15 from Petra)
And last, is Lady Cat from Germany. When she enters, there are no more chairs available, so the wait staff offers to help move a chair, but our Prince jumps to the rescue, and swings a large chair over his head, and moves it for Cat. How classy of him, not! (Guess those years of wrestling with bulls and such paid off for him though.) The girls may be dumb enough to overlook the moving of furniture, thinking he was being a gentleman. But how many Princes/faux multi-millionaires move their own furniture? None would be my guess.
Again the Cringe-o-meter is about to go off the charts, rating of 50
As the grand ball continues, the Prince learns some of the European customs, and how to say cheers in a few languages, and while he is at it, he teaches the ladies a little English. He toasts them by saying ďget wasted!Ē Now that is definitely a phrase that these girls like and have no problem understanding, just think back to the first episode, and one of them being so drunk that she slept in her sunglasses.
Time for a Grilling (with the Prince as the main course.)
The ladies corner the Prince and ask him why he says maíam to everyone, because they assume that it is because he canít remember their names. He explains that it is just a polite thing, and that it a strong part of his Southern roots. (Not that I believed the line, but I have to say nice save, Prince.)
Cringe Rating = 1
The ladies in waiting change the topic of conversation to the Princeís favorite one, his horse, Hurricane. They ask him where the horse was, and if itís his, and lots of other things. (I swear his response to these questions make him look like a worse liar than Bill Clinton trying to explain the Monica Lewinsky situation.) He fumbled around for a minute, and said that he owned Hurricane, and that he had brought the horse over on a plane from the U.S. (Apparently, he said that he never thought to say that he bought the horse in Italy. No kidding! I think if Hurricane had been there, he could have come up with a better lie than the Prince.)
Cringe Rating = 100 (Even Hurricane was cringing in the stables at that story.)
Lina decided that she wanted to be the first one to dance with the Prince. So they danced, and all of the other ladies took their turns to waltz, minuet, or whatever you want to call what they did, across the floor with the Prince.
Paul, declared that it was time for the Prince to leave for a while. It was decision time. The Prince was to narrow the ladies in waiting to 11 out of 14. Iím not sure how he was able to choose the top 11 girls, when he could not even form a coherent sentence to describe the evening. I have a feeling Paul had a very long evening helping him out with this large task.
Samantha (our hostess) arrived to greet the ladies in the ballroom. (Wow, Fox, you made a good decision to have a female hostess this year. I know you said there was one last year, but the audience doesnít remember her.). Nonetheless, Samantha then springs in on the girls that 3 will turn into pumpkins, and will no longer be a part of the show in a little while, and that 11 of them will receive pearl necklaces as an invitation to stay. They are in shock, and some are already crying because of this news. (Good grief, what was the deal with the tears? Have they been watching this season of The Bachelor and taking lessons from the women on that show?)
As the Prince and Paul came in the room, all eyes were on the tray of necklaces Paul held. Who will they go to? The Prince gave his farewell speech. In essence: Yíall are amazing. Please donít take any of this to heart.
The chosen are:
Karolina, who was described as sweet and classy
Alessia, The Prince said she was wild and full of energy. (My opinion is annoying, and overly dramatic Ė when she went to accept the pearls, she bowed at his feet, but Iím sure he loved that)
Lina, she had a very smug look as he placed the necklace on her, and mentioned something about ďBreakfast at TiffanyísĒ (Sorry Lina, he lives on a ranch, so there is not a Starbucks or a mall within walking distance. But why would anyone think she was in it for the money?)
Kristyna, said she was beautiful and would be cool to hang out with her
Tereza, soft-hearted, and first to thank him
Olinda, she said that she was happy now. But the Prince feels
that she was uppity, but attractive, so, he would give her a shot.
Anique, described her as beautiful, but wanted to figure out her personality
Cat, pretty woman, and they had good eye contact
Giada, nice but quiet
Linda, said he was very attracted to her, and she is a definite
Petra, very nice and hones, looking forward to hanging out with her
The other three turned into pumpkins (Johanna, Jerusha, and Yassamin). However, before they leftthe castle, the Prince wanted to assure them that he didnít want to hurt anyone. ďAw, shucks, yíall are beautiful, donít go away feeling down.Ē The girls really didnít care what the Prince had to say, and glared at him with their arms crossed over their chests until Paul took them out of the ballroom.
This concludes this chapter of our fairy tale. Who will the Prince choose to be his Princess? Will it be happily ever after? Only time will tell. Letís just hope that the ladies in waiting are not getting to used to castle life, after all, they are a long way from Texas and his ranch. One last question, do you suppose Hurricane will be going back to Texas with him, also?