In what can only be described as the most riveting hour and 5 minutes of scheduled television, For Love or Money wrapped up scenario one. Like the finest July 4th pyrotechnic display, we were treated to thrills, chills, and....
Ok, so it fizzled like a roman candle in a hurricane. But still, Preston pressed on and put everyone out of their misery at long last.
We begin with a touching vignette of flashbacks, voiceovers and more flashbacks. After the credits roll, just in case you thought you knew what you were watching, and understood the concept, there's another flashback sequence explaining the ever changing rules of the game. Go ahead and remove your brain now. You won't be needing that for the next hour or so.
Time Check: 10 minutes 03 seconds into the show
Rachel and PJ are the final
ladies shrews contestants left, and we're forced to endure a recap of the fallen women who have gone before tonight's loser. It is a long recap. (Hey, they've got an hour and 5 minutes to kill, and lots of useable recaps courtesy of the local film school Editing 101 class.) After seemingly endless minutes of reminding us who has been sent home, and that they could win an actual million dollars here, we finally see Preston pensively pondering his future career at Burger King possibilities. The shot is brief, fleeting even. Like the last thought in Preston's brain...dying of loneliness, choking on cobwebs, or hairspray.
By the way, Rachel? Not in it for the money, unless it's a lot of money. She just wants to be loved. But she's not going to walk away from a buttload of money. (Honestly, is that her way of saying "If I lose, you can shove that check right up your keester."?)
Time check: 12 minutes 45 seconds
And they're eating...again. There's only two left, we're reminded....again. PJ's mind is blown. She mentions this often. Rachel whines about how other girls talked bad about her and she's just misunderstood. PJ feels bad that Rachel trusts her when she's really a backstabber, like the rest. She doesn't feel that*bad, though.
Jordan pops in and shows them what's in yet another mystery box and as if they needed reminding, tells them that soon it will all come to an end and Preston will make his decision, then they're to decide between Love or Money. (What a clever phrase! Wouldn't that make a great title for a reality show?)
Rachel and PJ drool over the prospect of a million dollars again. This may take a while, so if you need a drink, go get it now.
Jordan tells the girls that one has a check for a million, and the other has a whole stinkin' dollar. PJ has a gut feeling hers is the million. PJ has many gut feelings. PJ should see an doctor about that. If this made no sense to you, then you're right on the money...so to speak. Jordan has to show off his math skills and tell the girls there's a 50% chance of having the million. We, the audience, are supposed to be awed.
Rachel claims she wants the dollar so she wont feel bad not looking like a schmuck in front of the 3 people still watching this show when she picks Preston instead of the money *coughcoughliarcough*, but what really fascinates this girl is plain and simple: $$$$$$$. No questioning her motives. Nuh uh. Also, she's really competitive. She just wants to win, THEN make the choice. Any bets on who gets the last word in *any* conversation with this one?
PJ has another gut feeling. Someone call 911.
Blah blah blah, feelings...blah blah blah, connection....blah blah blah "he loves me not the money and if not then he really fooled me" money....we're how many minutes into the show?
...and NOTHING has happened! Unless you count the re-explaination of the rules and recap of the 'twists'.
PJ feels sick to her stomach over the thought of never seeing Preston again. Get the oxygen ready.
Cue terrible soap opera music, and add some not very convincing voiceovers about their intentions, and let's break for commercial!
Time check: 16 minutes
Preston is brought to the mansion in a limo. Clearly he's dressed up for the occasion. Rumpled shirt nicely untucked with sleeves rolled up, completed by...is that a leather bracelet? Blah blah blah, Jordan explains stuff some more. Blah blah blah, Preston laments his difficult decision. Oh look! Pictures all over the wall, with two dramatically lit! How poignant. That Jordan is quite the master of obvious. Which makes Preston Captain Oblivion. Jordan leaves Preston to his thoughts. Shouldn't take long. Pensive Preston talks about what a headstrong girl Rachel is (Webster's has a different definition, but I'm not going to nitpick) and PJ is has potential for long term commitment. He has to choose one. Oh this is so tense! Have lunch with the girls! That should help things.
Rachel will be 'hurt' if she doesn't win. This requires mentioning because she's not in it for the money.
During lunch with Preston, PJ says she's glad she's been herself through the entire thing, and Rachel replies "So have I, and people have hated me for it." PJ rolls her eyes. It is truly a beautiful moment. Saucer of milk, anyone? Preston comments that this ending is the start of something new (or something like that) and PJ says "Well if you think about it, it could be." Rachel rolls her eyes. These two are such good friends, for a couple of bloodthirsty piranha.
Preston asks PJ to take a walk with him, and Rachel looks...miffed? Stunned? Angry? Well....like Rachel. PJ and Preston have a nice walk, and talk. What will she want from him if he picks her? Does he know she has a lot to offer? Can we build the tension any higher without losing ratings? PJ has a gut feeling he's going to choose Rachel. She feels it in her gut. She is frustrated. Could it be she needs more fiber?
Time check: 24 minutes 22 seconds
Rachel takes her walk with Preston and really puts on an act. She pushes hard, which clearly makes Preston concerned. It almost shows on his face. Preston calls her out on her doubting him. She tries to defend herself by questioning him for questioning her. Then urges him to pick her so she can prove she's in it for love. It makes such perfect sense! Why, Dr Evil's got nothing on this girl.
Blah blah blah, smooch slobber blah blah crazy about you blah blah blah desparate words from Rachzilla.
Rachel goes back to the house where she lays it on thick for PJ, who is by now simply convinced she's out of the game. Rachel smells blood and goes in for the kill. PJ has more gut feelings and Rachel feasts on her guts a while. It's not a pleasant sight. Rachel knows exactly how she's affecting PJ. Is it any wonder the others didn't like her?
Flash forward to morning, and there is more mundane activity, and lots more voiceovers. It's not worth detailing, but the tension is mounting (for them, anyway. There's a lot of money at stake, if you're into that sort of thing.). The whole day is covered....slowly....with more scenic footage of their turmoil and strife. "I dont want to give up a great guy....for a dollar!" Rachel reminds us, because she's not in it for the money. PJ is frustrated, and emotional.
Time check: 32 minutes
Night falls as fast as the viewing audience, and Preston is ready to choose. The questionably clad women are told separately to go to him and in what is possibly the worst editing job in the history of television (and another mention from Jordan as to why they're in the game) we're finally there.
Rachel is first....no, PJ is...no it's a split screen! Oh wait, Rachel *is* first. Preston talks on and on and in the interest of condensing as best I can, it went something like this.
Time check: 37 minutes 07 seconds
Preston: You're a great girl, and I really dig you, but...
Rachel: *smile* Yes I know. Just tell me now that you've picked me and we'll get this humiliation thing over with, loser. Besides, I could have picked another stupid dollar for my mystery check.....and I'm not in it for the money.
Preston: I think you're really special, but...
PJ: mm hmm...yes...hmmmm
Preston: After about 30 seconds of talking to you, I realized you were probably the girl for me, except for that part about you being in this for the money....and you're a psycho.
Rachel: *smile* Yes, but I really really like you. *crinkle nose and lay on the cutesy stuff*
Preston: You didn't really like...open up to me, like...but..um...hmm..uhh...
PJ: mmm hmmm....yes...hmmmmm
Preston: So, I've chosen......
Rachel: *mentally counting how far a million will go*
Preston: But you met me halfway....in a tent...and *pant pant*...I choose YOU, Pikachu!
Preston: I've chosen....PJ
It's all like some really bad soap opera, replete with that same cheesy music as before, but now with some fancy black and white fades in the editing.
In the aftermath, all smooches and mushiness ensues on the Preston/PJ focus, but all is not well in humiliation-land. Rachel is not going quietly into that good night. How could he NOT pick her, after all! Admittedly it was mildly entertaining to watch, but after the third selfish query as to why he didn't think she was entirely perfect, it's just painful. She thinks he made a mistake (what a trooper) and wants to know why he's making this mistake. She cannot believe he's kicking her out! It's rather a surprise they don't have to cut her finger off to get the ring back. However, Preston is not to be swayed. Maybe he has some primitive brain after all. Still, Rachel is 'disappointed'.
So, Rachel runs up to her room, punches the pillow, fakes a few tears and conjures up pained looks before running down lickety split to see how much she was supposedly 'worth'. She was seriously overpriced, whatever the amount, but she looks at the amount on her check, voiceover exclaims "Unbelievable!" and she tosses said check in the fireplace where it becomes as superfluous as her temper tantrums.
To sum it all up...
Dumping heartless, selfish shrew: $1,000,000
Choosing nice girl who actually might think you're ok, but still lose the money because you chose 'love': $1.00
Getting your 15 minutes of fame: Priceless.
So that's about it....or so you thought. There's more!
Time check: 49 minutes 04 seconds
In a surprising twist, there's a whole new game beginning, and Rachel is now in Preston's place. She's happy, she's smiling. She's clearly over her anguish of two weeks ago. But she's not in it for the money. She has a whooooole bunch of guys vying for her now! And the best part is....no competition......or is there.
In a surprising twist, there's a whole new game beginning, and Rachel is now in Preston's place, but Andrea is brought in as competition...only neither knows it quite yet!
Ohhhh this should be fun. Sparks will fly, hilarity will ensue, and I'm pretty sure egos will falter. Jordan reminds us 3700 more times that there are new rules, and money, and love, and by the way, lots of twists.
I have a gut feeling this will not be pretty.
No clocks were harmed in the writing of this summary.