LAST EDITED ON 01-14-04 AT 08:07 PM (EST)Yes folks, this is certainly a parody. I have included 22 different people from the blanket permission thresd, I wish I could have included them all. I hope you enjoy it!
Once upon a time, in a land not so close nor so far away, there lived a boy named Meemo. He was a brilliant and creative child, the son of Nailbone and Deonna. At seven years old his head was as hairless as that of a man of seventy, yet he acted more like he was twenty-one. Meemo was half boy, half amazing, and all DAW. Nailbone was a leathery cowboy, a cross between John Wayne and Clint Eastwood, he made his fortune the old fashioned way, he earned it. Deonna was a petite blond that married her high school sweetheart and was loved by all for her charity work. They lived together in a small quiet town, and you could just tell that life for them was perfect.
Devious Weasel was a ruthless and sinister character. It took other peoples misfortune to make him smile. Gray hair covered his entire body, he was flea bitten from head to toe. He and his partner the Mysterious Jedi made their fortune by kidnapping the children of wealthy and famous couples. MJ would stake out the town and draw up the plan, and DW would do the dirty work. Then they would hold the youngster for a pricey ransom. They even had their own ranch set up where they herded the kids like so many cattle until the parents could fork over the cash. Heaven forbid if the parents decided not to pay.
Meemo was in the back yard playing with his toy dump truck when he heard a strange cry coming from the bushes. Out of curiosity and compassion he walked over to see if he could help. Meemo kneeled down and looked into the undergrowth, a branch scratched his bald forehead. There was no injured cat as he first suspected. He reached in, feeling around for the source of the whimpering. Out of nowhere a clawed hand grabbed his arm in a vice-like grip and yanked him into the bushes. Before he could utter a scream a wet paw covered his mouth. Frantic, Meemo tried to struggle, but was tossed into a canvas bag and shoved into the trunk of a beat up Volkswagen Jetta. The Devious Weasel tilted his head back and laughed a maniacal laugh, “One more little prisoner”, he thought as he hopped into the car, pressed the accelerator and sped away from the scene.
A few hours later Nailbone got home, he went upstairs admired his reflection in the mirror as he washed his face in preparation for dinner. He could smell the sweet scent of barbequed chicken and knew that Deonna would have some hot fresh cornbread to go with it. His mouth watered at the thought, and made his way down the back stairs to the kitchen.
“Hey sweetie” he kissed Deonna on the cheek and greeted her with a warm hug.
“Hi schnookems, is Meemo with you?” she smiled at her darling husband.
“No, he isn’t, I thought he stayed here at home all day?” he asked questioningly. Just then the phone gave a shrill ring and interrupted them, Nailbone picked it up. A deep voice said “If you ever want to see your son alive again, then you need to bring one million dollars in unmarked bills to a drop off point of my choice. I will give you five days to get the money together. Do not call the police, or you won’t see him again. I will contact you in three days to give you more information. This is not negotiable, are we clear on this?”
“Yes, we’re clear”, but even as he said this, Nailbone’s mind was racing, thinking of what he could possibly do to make sure his son would be safe. He put the handset back on the cradle and turned to his wife.
“Somebody has kidnapped Meemo, they want a million dollars by Friday, or else, well lets not think about the or else.” His voice cracked and tears formed in the corners of his slate blue eyes.
“Oh my heck!” cried Deonna, her hand flew to her mouth. “What will we do?” she asked.
“They said not to call the police, so I’m not going to. But this is a job for Icecat; he will know what to do. Come on, let’s go pay him a visit.” Nailbone grabbed his Stetson off the hook on the wall, the truck keys off the table and his coat from the back of the chair. Deonna reached for her pocketbook and followed closely as they rushed out the door.
Icecat was the best private investigator in town, for that matter he was the best in the country. Come to think of it, he was the best in the world. He was a rare blend of Daniel Webster and Perry Mason with the good looks of Pierce Brosnan; yes this was a perfect man. If anybody could help Nailbone and Deonna find Meemo, it was he.
Icecats office was in a ten story brick building on the corner of Houston and Elm streets downtown. Nailbone maneuvered into a tight parking spot between a black corvette and red Ford pickup and cut the engine. They walked hurriedly to the elevator in the main lobby. As they boarded the car, a pregnant lady asked them to hold the door, she waddled between them and pressed to the back. “Thank you very much, wow I didn’t expect to catch this and I’m late for my appointment. Oh gosh my ankles are killing me, oh I wish this baby would just pop out,” the woman rambled on; Nailbone pushed the button numbered seven, quite impatiently, and totally disinterested.
“When are you due?” Deonna smiled and almost patted the woman’s belly, but withdrew her hand when she remembered how much she used to hate when people did that to her.
“I am due on the 14th, this is my first child, my name is Coconut, but you can call me Nutty”. Nailbone rolled his eyes, the last thing he needed was for his wife to get into a long-winded conversation.
The chatting went on incessantly and the elevator seemed like it was in slow motion when finally and thankfully it arrived on the seventh floor. Nailbone ushered his wife into the lobby as Deonna waved goodbye to her new friend.
He turned the brass knob and pulled the full glass door toward him and allowed his wife to enter first. The carpet was soft and plush; the furnishings were rich deep mahogany. The artwork was nothing but the finest Picasso’s and Kandinsky’s. All of this paled in comparison to the beauty sitting behind the desk. Wheezy had been Icecat’s receptionist for ten years. She was a tall slender confident woman with smooth ivory skin and full pouty lips.
“How may I help you”, she asked with a smooth professional voice.
“We are here to see Icecat”, Nailbone said, “We have a case for him, our son was kidnapped and we only have a short time to find him”.
“One moment please”, she smiled and stood up revealing a pair of legs that started at the ankles and got lost underneath the silk folds of her skirt. Nailbone swallowed hard as he watched her walk away, her hands floating gracefully at her side, hips swaying. He felt something brush by his hand and felt his face flush when he realized it was Deonna. Sheepishly he shrugged his shoulders and Deonna laughed, “Look but don’t touch”, she warned.
A few minutes later, Wheezy came back. “Icecat will see you now” and gestured toward the partially opened office door down the hall.
Nailbone and Deonna filled Icecat in on the details of what they knew about Meemo’s capture and ensuing ransom. Icecat leaned back in his overstuffed reclining chair and rubbed his jaw pensively. “I can help you folks, don’t you worry. I have several people in my employ, the best in the business. Just go on home and relax, let me do all the work. I will find Meemo” he exclaimed confidently. The couple rose and shook hands with Icecat, thanking him profusely, and then they left as he had requested.
Meanwhile, Devious Weasel arrived at the ranch with Meemo. DW unlocked the trunk and pulled the bag from its confines, and released Meemo to the fresh air. The child studied the face of his captor carefully, without a word. Meemo was directed to follow, which he obeyed. They walked down a dusty trail, tumbleweed rolled past. DW opened a white picket fence gate, “In here kid, no funny stuff and it’s going to be ok. Your folks are going to pay dearly to get you back” and with a shove he forced Meemo into the coral.
“Wait”, Meemo piped, “Might I procure some parchment and a writing utensil with which to compose a note to my mother and father?”
“Whadda ya mean kid?” DW replied.
“Ya got any paper and a pen you flea bitten rodent, I want to write a note to my parents, to let them know I am alive and that they should cooperate with you fully” Meemo said sarcastically.
“Um, yeah I guess, as long as no funny business kid, ya hear me?”
“Sure, got it.” The youngster nodded.
Devious Weasel locked the gate and walked toward the farmhouse. Meemo peered around and saw what looked like a clubhouse on the far side of the corral. There was one sole window. A broken hinge on the gray shutter caused it to dangle and flap when a gust arose. Meemo knocked on the rickety door and it became ajar. Poking his head into the space, he saw four disheveled children lying on mats, sleeping. Quietly he tiptoed in, but a board creaked making his presence known. The children awoke at the sound and gave a start, expecting to see Devious Weasel; they were pleasantly surprised to find a new playmate.
“Who are you?” one cute little red headed girl rubbed her eyes with a big yawn.
“My name is Meemo, what’s your name?” he inquired.
“I am Moonbaby,” she answered shyly.
The others introduced themselves one by one. He found out that Buckeyegirl, Woeisme, Farmboy, and Moonbaby had all been captives for almost two weeks. There had been others too, that had not stayed as long. Meemo sat entranced as the children spilled the story; he made a mental note of each detail. One thing was certain, if what happened to Pepelepew and Sleeeve was correct, he wanted to make sure to escape and rescue the others before it was too late. Meemo shuddered at the thought of their possible fate.
Devious Weasel consulted with the Mysterious Jedi to make sure it was alright to let Meemo write a note to his folks. “Sure, as long as you check it and make sure he doesn’t give us away, he’s just a dumb kid anyway” MJ consented.
DW brought the paper and pen at the same time he brought stale crumbs of bread and gunk filled water for the kids. He watched as Meemo wrote the following note:
Mother and Father,
Made obvious minus slang mother and tampon brand. Inverted M along with my art stand. Feed this to my frozen feline. I am super, I am playing with 4 other kids my own age, and the cows and horses are fun to play with too. The wind blows and tumbleweeds roll, but really its like camp, we have this neat clubhouse. Give these guys whatever they are asking for and I will be home before you know it.
Love, Meemo
Meemo neatly folded the paper and handed it to Devious Weasel. DW thrust it into his pocket and said “Ok kid, I’ll get it to ‘em”.
“Can you fax it to them please, you will get your money quicker?” he requested.
“Fer cryin’ out loud kid, ya sure are a pushy little guy, but I guess I can” and with that Devious Weasel turned and stormed out.
“Don’t worry guys”, Meemo said to the others, “We will be out of here by this time tomorrow!”
“How can you be so sure?” asked Farmboy who kicked at a loose piece of wood protruding from a crack in the floor.
“Because I know Mom and Dad, they will get that note to Icecat, and he will know exactly what to do when he sees it.” Meemo grinned.
Back at the Rendezvous, Icecat’s ace team was gathering. Technoir arrived and saw the others at the usual place in the back. Her shoulder length raven hair neatly swept over the top of her shiny ebony leather form fitted jumpsuit. As she walked toward them she could feel the appreciative eyes of Superman, SherpaDave, ExInterper, and Icecat. A dry martini with extra olives was delivered to the open spot on the table. She crossed one slender leg over the other and got comfortable in the chair.
“Hi boys”, she said with a throaty purr, “What’s the word?”
“There was a kidnapping today, the boy’s name is Meemo. The couple has received one phone call so far, the ransom demand is for one million dollars.” Icecat began.
“Are there any clues at all?” ExInterper asked. An obese man with dark rimmed glasses, ExI reached for the peanuts and shoved a handful in his mouth, crunching and spitting as he spoke. “Do we have any possible suspects?”
“No clues, not yet. The boy was missing when his parents got home. As for suspects, we can’t narrow it down at this point” Icecat informed them and shifted in his seat to get out of the range of peanut spew.
“This sounds very similar to a few other kidnappings that have occurred in the past few weeks.” SherpaDave offered. Sherps was elfin-like, diminutive in size but his motor was always running. He picked up the frosty beer mug in front of him and swallowed a long grateful drink of the amber ale. “Wasn’t one of them Buckeyegirl?”
Superman nodded, “Yes, I believe that is true, and there was the kid of Swami that came up missing too. The PI on that case has given up hope”
“That is a real shame, why don’t amateurs just stay off these cases?” Tech said disgustedly.
Jslice was a 22-year-old struggling law student, working the late shift as a waitress at the Rendezvous for tips. She had a penchant for solving crimes. As often as possible she would eavesdrop on their conversation. Jslice daydreamed of one day being included in the group. If only she had the razor sharp wit of Technoir, or even an ounce of her beauty. Jslice frequently fantasized of being held in Superman’s arms as they discussed the intimate details of the criminal mind. She swooned at the thought of sitting beside Icecat and brushing his arm with her elbow as they both reached for a pen to jot down notes. The image of running her fingers through SherpaDave’s thick brown hair, staring into his warm green eyes, and solving the next crime was more then she could bear.
“Can I get some popcorn and another beer here?” ExI interrupted her thoughts.
Jslice snapped out of her trance, “Yes, I’ll be right back”. She retreated to the bar and returned momentarily with the items.
Before she could place the basket on the table, ExI pulled it from her hands with his pudgy fingers. “I have a fax for you Mr. Icecat” and handed him the paper.
Icecat scanned the words and a thin smile crossed his face. He lay the fax in the center of the table and invited the others to read it. Technoir the wordsmith was done before the others; she looked up directly into Icecats eyes and shared a similar knowing smile. Next it was SherpaDave, then Superman, and finally ExI, they all got it and nodded. “I’m going to call Nailbone and Deonna. Supes, I want you to get Chief Schnookie Palookie and meet us there by 9am tomorrow morning. We’ll bag these clowns and send him up the river in one fell swoop. Tech, ExI and Sherps, let’s roll.” He signaled to Jslice that they were done and tossed $40 on the table to cover the check.
They descended on Devious Weasel’s ranch the next morning like swarming locusts. Icecat lead the pack, his weapon at the ready. The look on DW’s face as he was paw-cuffed was priceless. The Mysterious Jedi tried to flee but was tackled by SherpaDave. ExI released the prisoners, Meemo ran to hug his parents. Nailbone and Deonna were relieved to see their son. The other children cautiously moved forward, searching the crowd, but not seeing a familiar face. Icecat spoke “We’ll get you home in no time, you are safe now”.
“How did you find us so quickly?” asked Buckeyegirl.
“It was the note from Meemo that did it, the first two sentences said it all, just had to do a little word changing. And now I’m afraid the next long sentence is for Devious Weasel and Mysterious Jedi.” Icecat replied.
“How can we ever thank you enough for finding Meemo?” Deonna inquired.
“That’s our job Ma’am, just keep this brilliant little man happy, he is simply amazing!” said Icecat.
As all of our characters made their way to the car, about ready to drive off and live happily ever after, Chief Palookie escorted DW and MJ to her cruiser. “I have some good news for you boys” she whispered into their ears.
Devious Weasel pricked his ears in anticipation, “Oh yeah? What is it?”
“I’m going to throw the book at you two. You will be going to jail for the rest of your living days, I’ll make sure you never see daylight again!” Nookie exclaimed.
“I thought you said you had good news?” spoke Mysterious Jedi for the first time in two days.
“Yes, I just saved a bundle on car insurance using Geiko direct online!” Judge Palookie did a great imitation of the Weasel’s maniacal laugh as she pushed them into the back seat of the cruiser.
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