LAST EDITED ON 06-28-01 AT 09:24 PM (EST)
Previously, on Blowsvivor...
A former contestant decided the time was ripe for revenge...
VampKira (swooping in and through the set): Revenge is mine!
...Causing another contestant to take drastic measures.
AyaProbe: (To Superman)...you'll have to have sex with her every night until you're booted off the show
Dalton: So, we're all agreed on the ... alliance?
...but proved to not be enough for Dalton.
AyaProbe: ...Last vote is for Dalton. Dalton, bring me your head shot
What surprises are in store tonight on Blowsvivor?
The Arrogant Aussies hike back to camp in the pouring rain, and contemplate their recent decision to vote off Dalton, whom many considered the leader of the tribe.
OutFrontGirl: We couldn't afford to keep someone like her. She was already making deals with the other tribe and that, to me, is definitely a strategy. We can't afford to keep any backstabbers here, unless it's me of course. Oh Sleeevie...
At that very moment in time, a lightning bolt strikes off in the distance. PepeLePew, almost without hesitation, tries to jump into dangerkitty's arms, who coincedentally tried to jump into into PepeLePew's arms at that exact moment. They crash into each other and fall to the ground.
Pepe Le Pew: Bonsoir, mon chaton dangereux! Puis-je vous intéresser à une "Pôle de Pew?"
dangerkitty: What did he say?
SurvivorChick: He was wondering if he could interest you in *whispers in dangerkitty's ear*
dangerkitty: Le blush...
Tangent: Okay, this cross-species stuff is getting a little too weird for me, especially how it says at the bottom of the screen that this gratuitous semi-porn scene was brought to you by Wendy's Late Night Pick Up Window. Only one thing to do...*click off*. While we're waiting for The Animal Kingdom: Too Hot for TV to finish, let's talk. You know those weird Slurpee straws they give you at the 7-11 to drink your Slurpees with? I just love those. I mean, they're half spoon, and half straw. So when you're done sipping all that syrupy goodness with the straw part, you can use to spoon to scoop up all the ice and use it as fish water. God bless whoever invented those things. *checks watch* Okay, that scene should be done now, and I'll be waiting for my check and year's supply of Slurpees now...*click on*
Day 16: BorneoBores Camp
The Bores wake up after the rain and eat breakfast. While eating, they talk about the things they miss.
IceCat: Left bracket i Right bracket I Left bracket slash i right bracket miss Canada
GT: Canada? Do you really want out that bad? No? Then shut your face.
Mon Cherie: I miss the Lord, our Lord, Lord Jesus Christ. *opens Bible* It says in the Gospel of Matthew, Chap...
GT: Shut it before I stick that Bible in a place Jesus Christ hasn't seen before...
Mon Cherie: *puts Bible away* Right.
Survivorist: I miss Mon Ch...I mean Amb...I mean...ah screw it.
GT: Shut up, Survivorist.
Survivorist: Yes ma'am.
Superman: *glares at Survivorist and Mon Cherie* I miss VampKira.
GT: Could you light up my bong, Supe? And while you're at it, shut your piehole.
Survivorist: *screaming in pain* Tell Supe to turn off the heat vision!
Later, GT reveals what she misses in an interview...
GT: I didn't tell them this morning, but I miss Dalton. Those little ingrates don't know how good of a player Dalton is. But nevermind, the spirit of Dalton is not dead. Why? Because GT says so, that's why! And when GT says something, GT means it. Now shut off that stupid camera before GT decides to wail on your candy ass.
SurvivorChick and Sleeeve check the tree-mail:
Tangent: Now why does it always say "check the tree-mail?" I mean, everybody knows that they only show the tree-mail if there's something in it. A waste of words, if you ask me. Okay, on with the show...
SurvivorChick: We've got mail! (Tangent: This challenge was brought to you by AOL Canada) It looks like a notice for the next challenge...
Into everyone's life,
some wind must blow.
But this time what's coming
with it is dough.
Catch more than the others,
get a prize you'll adore.
A face to face meeting,
With a real media whore.
SurvivorChick: It appears our challenge is something to do with catching flying money. I wonder what this last part means, "a face to face meeting with a real media whore..."
Sleeeve: Speaking of whores, Survivorchick, you wanna...uhhh...
SurvivorChick: Ummm...no...*Walks back to camp avoiding Sleeeve*
Sleeeve: *snaps fingers* It was worth a shot.
Reward Challenge: Windfall
Location: Old abandoned gang hideout
The tribes enter the house and are greeted by AyaK. They proceed down to the basement where there are two wind chambers, one for each tribe. Inside each wind chamber is a pile of money, sitting on the ground.
AyaProbe: Welcome to Windfall. This will be your final tribal reward challenge. I'll explain the rules. Each tribe will select three members. All three members will enter their tribe's wind chamber and it will be turned on for 30 seconds. The money on the ground will begin flying around. During the 30 seconds, the tribe members must try and catch as much of the money as possible. Whichever tribe catches a higher total wins reward. This being L.A., the money is all counterfeit anyways, so nobody get any ideas. Let me tell you what you're playing for.
AyaK reveals a picture of the Barramundi tribe
AyaProbe: The winning tribe will get to select one of the members of Survivor: The Australian Outback's Barramundi Tribe and he or she will spend one night at your camp. He or she will also be bringing dinner supplied by our friends at M&M Meat Shops.
Survivorist: We must win this challenge. Then I'll finally get to...
GT: Shut up, Survivorist.
Survivorist: Yes ma'am.
AyaProbe: Aussies, you have selected dangerkitty, Pepe Le Pew and SurvivorChick to enter the chamber. Bores, you have selected Superman, GT and Mon Cherie. Tribe members in!
The tribe members enter the chambers...
AyaProbe: Blowsvivors ready? Too bad. Go!
The wind machines start and the tribes begin grabbing at the cash.
Pepe Le Pew: Ahhh! L'argent faux! Il a une odeur merveilleuse! Mais ce n'est pas merveilleuse comme l'odeur de mon petit chaton.
dangerkitty: *Screaming to SurvivorChick* What did he say?
SurvivorChick: He says you smell better than cash!
Pepe Le Pew: *starts sniffing dangerkitty*
dangerkitty: Le purr!
dangerkitty and Pepe spend the 30 seconds (Censored by Survivorist) as SurvivorChick tries desperately to catch the money. Meanwhile, the Bores are up to their own mischief...
Superman: *zaps a $20 bill* Piece of cake. *zaps another*
GT: Superman, we're supposed to try and catch the money, numbnuts. And Mon Cherie...stop trying to catch the money in your mouth.
AyaProbe: Time! *the tribes step out of the chambers and dump their money on the ground* It seems the Aussies have managed to catch a total of...$3. But the Bores have $1 and...umm...a quarter that fell out of Mon Cherie's thong.
Mon Cherie: (Innocently and in mock surprise) Now how did that get there?
AyaProbe: It appears that the Aussies win. Bores, you can hop in the car and wait while I talk to the Aussies about their decision.
The Bores leave the house
AyaProbe: Now the fairest way to decide your visitor would be to have everyone vote. Everybody cast your vote...you should remember how to do this from last night *rim shot*
PepeLePew: Je vote pour Jerri. Pourquoi? Son arome est devin! *SurvivorChick vomits*
Sleeeve: I'm voting for Elisabeth because I'm hoping I'll get laid tonight...
SurvivorChick: I'm voting for Elisabeth because I'm hoping I'll get laid tonight...
The rest of the votes are cast and AyaK prepares to tally them:
Sleeeve: *takes the canister* I propose that we tally the votes in an orderly fashion while building suspense until the last possible moment when we...
Outfrontgirl: *smacks Sleeeve upside the head and takes the canister* Just gimme that thing...ok let's see...*pulls papers out of canister*
Jerri. It appears we've decided to have Jerri visit us.
Pepe smiles while dangerkitty and Outfrontgirl grin evilly
AyaProbe: Ok, you have spoken. Jerri will be swinging by tonight. Let's hop in the car.
Night 16: ArrogantAussie Camp
A helicopter pulls into the camp and the tribe gets out of their tent. AyaK gets out followed by a woman wearing a blue bikini and carrying a picnic basket. The tribe hears an all too familiar cackle.
AyaProbe: Ok guys, have fun. *gets in helicopter and leaves*
Jerri: I'm glad you guys decided to choose me to come over and visit you. I mean, I could use the face time. Bua ha ha ha ha!
PepeLePew: *bounding over to Jerri* Ah, Jerri. Mon amour!
Outfrontgirl: *pushes Pepe, who goes flying into a nearby tree* Stay out of this one, skunk. SurvivorChick? Grab the food. *SurvivorChick takes the picnic basket*
Jerri: So, guys, what do you wanna do first? Can I talk about my upcoming appearance in the September issue of Playboy magazine, on sale July 30 at fine newstands everywhere? Bua ha ha ha ha!
Outfrontgirl picks up a tree branch and dangerkitty begins sharpening her claws. They start walking towards Jerri...
Jerri: *Nervously* C'mon guys. *backing off* I'm a human being with feelings too...
PepeLePew: Jerri! Some of us LOVE you!
Sleeeve: Did he just say something in English?
IceCat: *looking over at other camp* left bracket html right bracket left bracket body right bracket What is going on there? left bracket slash body right bracket left bracket slash html right bracket
Superman: *using super vision* Looks like a barfight...
Sounds of pummelling come from the Aussie Camp then a loud bang
Tangent: This severe Jerri-beating was brought to you by Joe DiNimite. Hey, it's only fair. He gave me the idea for the wind chamber challenge...
Nothing interesting really happens today, like all the other filler days...
Day 18: ArrogantAussie Camp
dangerkitty and Outfrontgirl go and check the mail. They find the letter notifying them of the upcoming immunity challenge. Outfrontgirl reads it out to the tribe:
You had all semester,
but you never cared.
And now it is due,
and you're getting scared.
Fire up the computer,
each tribe will log on.
Find me the best paper,
and you won't be gone.
Sleeeve: I calculate that if my spoiling techniques are correct and this challenge is something about term papers, there is a 89.7% chance that the other tribe won't be winning this thing. And that's good.
Immunity Challenge: Rhymes with Schmagerism
Location: UCLA dorm room
The two tribes enter the dorm room. At the ends of the room, there are 2 computers, one of each tribal colour, 2 bowls of Doritos and 2 six-packs of Labatt Blue. AyaK enters and tells the blowsvivors to sit at their tribe's computers.
AyaProbe: Welcome to your final tribal immunity challenge. It is called "Rhymes with Schmagerism." Let me explain a little about the piece of L.A. history this challenge is based on. For many years, this room has been the location of many a beer, party, drugs and occasional sorority girl.
Sleeeve perks up
AyaProbe: Calm down. That's not the challenge.
AyaProbe: But, as surprising as it may seem, this place has also been used to study and gain knowledge. Professors would assign their students what were known as "term papers," which they had to complete and hand in. While they were given generous amount of time, most of these students would forget about their papers until the last minute. Then, they would search the internet to find quality term papers already made up by others. After downloading these pilfered papers, the students passed them off as their own. That will be your task today. Each tribe will be given 30 minutes on the internet, provided by our friends at Verizon Wireless, to search for the best term paper they can find. The tribe with the best term paper wins immunity. Your subject is: The Second World War, Causes and Conflicts. Blowsvivors ready? Go!
The Aussies start off in fine form as RudyRules takes the keyboard.
RudyRules: Has anyone seen Saving Private Ryan? I love that movie. *RudyRules unsuccessfully tries to log onto imdb.com* Stupid computers. I don't even know what HTML means...
Outfrontgirl: Gimme that keyboard. *steals keyboard from RudyRules*
Sleeeve: (interrupting) You know what would be a good team building exercise? How about we re-enact one of those sorority parties AyaK was talking about. I volunteer to be the guy who has to sacrifice his virginity.
Rest of Tribe: No!
The Bores appear to be making fine progress as well...
Mon Cherie: I'm just gonna go check my email. It'll only take a minute...
GT: *takes keyboard from Mon Cherie* No. GT has something to say. GT thinks that there is something much more important we must do if we want to ensure our tribe's liveliness.
Survivorist: Mon Cherie...after you're done, could I check my email too?
GT: Shut up Survivorist.
Survivorist: Yes ma'am.
GT begins to type and click the mouse fanatically until...
AyaProbe: Time! Let's see what you have. Aussies? *takes a look at the Aussies' screen* It appears you've been using the SurvivorBlows.com chat. You know you're all in the same room, right?
SurvivorChick: (to tribe) See? I told you guys we should've spent our time posting and raising our DAWs...
AyaProbe: I am awarding your tribe a mark of 0%. BorneoBores, it looks like an easy win for you guys. Let's see what you have. *GT quickly closes a window* What was that?
GT: GT does not wish to say. AyaK will find out soon enough...
AyaProbe: That's against the rules, you have to show me what you were...*doorbell rings* One second guys, I'll get it...
AyaProbe goes to the door and is greeted by LizzLover, who plays a delivery guy in this episode
LizzLover: Good day. I have a package for an (struggling with the pronunciation) Anna Cola Coolmini?
AyaProbe: Yeah, I'll sign for it. *signs for the package*
LizzLover: Thank you very much.
AyaProbe: How did you get here anyways?
LizzLover: Kismet gave me a ride in the Eye-In-The-Sky helicopter. In case you didn't know, Kis just is...*exits*
AyaProbe: *faces contestants* ok, moving on-
GT: *grabbing the package from AyaK* It's here. Wow they're fast. *unwraps the package, revealing a gold bong and 40 grams of weed* Light me up, Supe...
AyaProbe: (dumbfounded) What the hell is wrong with you people? You spent all your time surfing the internet and nobody bothered to even complete the challenge? That's it, there will be no immunity! Every one of you will be coming to tribal council tonight. I'm taking the car, you guys can walk...
AyaK storms out of the room and slams the door
Mon Cherie: You think he'd mind if I checked my email now?
On the walk back to the studio, the blowsvivors take time out to talk about their voting strategies
Sleeeve: Our tribe has decided to boot out IceCat, since we have a majority. We also think he may be voting for himself, so bonus for us.
SurvivorChick: The tribe wants to boot out IceCat. But I'm thinking about forming a Canadian alliance going into the merger. So we're just gonna have to get rid of our sneakiest, strongest competition, no matter which tribe.
GT: GT has been lugging Survivorist's ass around far too long. He deserves to go tonight...
Day 18: Tribal Council
AyaProbe: Good evening, and welcome to tribal council. We are all gathered here tonight because...
AyaK feels a sudden change. The tribe watches in horror as he morphs into the biggest, most vindictive beotch in the world. Yes, that's right, he grows orangy-red hair and puts on a black trenchcoat
AyaRobinson: ...of your pathetic, deplorable performance at the immunity challenge. And in the reward challenge, you banked a miserable $4-
Mon Cherie: and 25 cents...
AyaRobinson: ...and 25 cents. This tribal council tradition will be carried over to the merge...but one of you will not. Who's brain is still dancing in the dark? *Canned laughter, even though that wasn't remotely funny* Who should have their licence to think revoked? *shot of Mon Cherie laughing so as to prove that one of the contestants thought that was funny* Contestants, it's time to vote off...the Blowiest Link!
WeirdAnnouncerGuy: Statistically, Mon Cherie is the weakest link, having 5 previous votes and having banked only 25 cents for her team. George Tirebiter is the strongest link, having received no previous votes, having picked the correct bootee twice and having banked the most money for the team. But will the votes follow the facts?
The scene changes back to Blowsvivor and the Tribal Council music begins playing again...
Tangent: Geez, this thing has switched shows twice in the last 10 minutes. No wonder they call this the worst show in history. Hey sherpie, what channel is Blowing the Band on?
Sleeeve steps up and votes for IceCat. "He's been whining ever since he got here and he keeps saying how he wants out."
Outfrontgirl casts a vote for Sleeeve. "Geeek."
RudyRules casts a vote for SurvivorChick. "She's one-a dem homasexshuls."
Mon Cherie casts a vote for GT. "GT. Hmmmm. You're too bossy. Just remember, MC got back." *MC snaps her fingers and bobs her head*
We don't get to see the rest of the votes.
*AyaRobinson morphs back into AyaK*
AyaProbe: Let's just tally these stupid things so I can go back to my trailer for coffee. I'll read the votes...
AyaProbe: That's five different votes for five different people. Next vote...
AyaProbe: What is this, frickin' role call? Ok, one more vote. *Looks at the last vote* Oh God, why do you torture me? The final vote is for..
AyaProbe: (a little steamed) It appears we have an eleven way tie. The official tiebreaker rules state that the tied blowsvivors will not vote. But, since I'm tired, I'm gonna rule it a deadlock tie. Everyone, how many previous votes do you have?
All 11 castaways shrug their shoulders
AyaProbe: (Censored by Survivorerist)! Well, I guess somebody will have to change their vote then. Let's vote again, dangerkitty you're first...
2 Hours later
AyaProbe: *pulling last vote out of container* Please God, don't let this vote be for RudyRules. Oh please...*reads vote* (censored by Survivorerist) you all! For the love of God! *throws down paper with "RudyRules" written on it* (In tears) Somebody, change your vote, please!
Day 19: 5:15am
AyaProbe: The final vote...Mon Cherie? Damn the whole lot of you! That does it! I'm gonna settle this right now...
AyaK reaches into his bag and pulls out what appears to be a firearm of some sort. The blowsvivors gasp. It is nothing other than a paintball gun. Any 8x10 that gets hit by this dangerous weapon would be instantly ruined. AyaK, with an evil smirk on his face, turns around and stares at each blowsvivor in turn. Suddenly, dangerkitty makes the mistake of twitching. AyaK pumps the trigger and paint pellets hurtle towards dangerkitty's 8x10. dangerkitty tries desperately to run away, but is too paralysed with fear to move. Just when it appears all is done for our fair dangerkitty, none other than PepeLePew jumps in front of her. dangerkitty stares in wide-eyed amazement as a dazzling burst of fluorescent red paint explodes on PepeLePew, completely destroying his 8x10. When all is calm, PepeLePew is lying on the ground with dangerkitty by his side and AyaK is grinning maniacally.
AyaProbe/AyaRobinson: *evil laughter* PepeLePew, you are the Blowiest Link, goodbye! Bua ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Sad violin music begins to play...
dangerkitty: (staring at the fallen skunk) Oh, Pepe, tell me you're alright. Talk to me!
PepeLePew: Ce n'était rien. N'importe quoi pour vous, mon chaton dangereux.
dangerkitty: What did he say?
SurvivorChick: He said, "It was nothing. Anything for you, my dangerkitty."
dangerkitty: My fair skunk! *dangerkitty gasps then breaks down into tears*
AyaProbe: My job here is done. Everyone, head back to camp so I can get back to my trailer. *nobody moves* I said scat!
9 castaways return to camp as the light begins to fade. The scene closes with a weeping dangerkitty leaning over PepeLePew's unmoving body...
Final Words from PepeLePew (interpreted by SurvivorChick)
PepeLePew: Bonsoir mes amis! Ah hop-ed you had lik-ed ze show. Ah had a time très amusant playing ze game. Zere were many bew-tee-ful wimens dans mah camp and mah only regret was zat ah dih-not get to...know zem bettah. Mah kitty, ah shall be wai-teeng for you back at ze oh-tel...if you know what ah meen *quickly raises and lowers eyebrows*
We get to see the rest of the votes...
dangerkitty: I'm sorry Pepe, but you're drawing a little too much attention to us. How can I stay under the radar if I'm always always under (Censored by Survivorist)?
PepeLePew: Ze man aw steel. Ah con't ave you getting all ze ladies around ze camp, can ah?
IceCat: Voted for Outfrontgirl. Don't ask me why, I just needed this one to set up the tie.
Superman: You little TART, I should've never saved you from the curse. Although, you orchestrating that ouster gives me a few perks, every night to be exact...
Survivorist: RudyRules, you're a little too set in your ways and that makes you a little hard to work with at times.
SurvivorChick: dangerkitty, as much as I'd like to have you stick around so I can get to know you a little better, I'd much rather have the million dollars in my pocket...
Final Tangent: Ok, now they're taking lines from that other Survival show on CBS? How low can you get? Geez, I don't care if I ever watch another episode of this crap again...*click off*