| <All Cameras focus on a soundstage with only two out of place armchairs, Kismet faces the Camera #1 and begins> |
Thank you for joining us SB community. As you know the Shakesvivor Phoenomena is sweeping the boards. We at Eye in the Sky, felt it was only appropriate to interview the man responsible for the hysteria. So without further ado let me introduce Shakes Burnett
<Camera#2 follows the entrance of Shakes Burnett wearing his patented bored and pissed off expression, and nothing else. He and Kismet shake hands (edited to take out the joybuzzer fiasco)and sit down in the armchairs>
Thank you for agreeing to this interview Shakes. Tell us, how does this show compare to the previous two Survivors?
Well, its much better for one. But, seriously I think you'll see that there are several similarities in that the game itself is modeled after the Survivor. But, I think you'll see that there are several key differences as well...let's just say we didn't exactly follow the Survivor Rulebook by the letter. We did some improvising. Also, I think you'll find the previous Survivor casts tame compared to the 16 camera whores I assembled.
You were very outspoken about players complaining of hunger during Survivor 2. Does this mean that you will provide plenty of food for the current group?
No no no, there will be even less food than on Survivor, but the difference is that my cast isn't allowed to talk about it....the contract they signed provides that ever mention of hunger comes with a 2% reduction of their eventual prize winnings. That could end up being a lot of money, especially if you are the ultimate Shakesvivor.
Will this edition of the game all about alliances?
It won't be ALL about alliances, but I'd be a big fat liar if I said that alliances don't play a part in the scheme of things. And we all know that I'm not a liar.
Of course we know you would never lie.<edited to remove eye rolling> People often blame the producers for how their characters are portrayed. How do you respond to this?
I don't. Its a sign of weakness when you can't own up to your actions, and if anyone from my cast plans to be weak, then they shouldn't have come on the show in the first place.
How much imput did AyaK have in the show?
AyaK will have ZERO imput into the show, which is really no different from the way our relationship has worked all season. It's really not a secret that I've been carrying his ass on these boards for some time now. I doubt it would surprise people to find out that AyaK e-mails me every one of his posts before he posts them so that I can proof read them and make sure that the logic is sound....if I mail it back with the "OK", then he would post it on the board. This is a good process because it has allowed me to filter out what has often been the half baked ideas of a savant...Ayak has over 1200 DAW's, if I wasn't around to get rid of the garbage that number would easily be twice as large.
Will there be any romantic relationships formed during the show? Do you plan to show the sex scenes?
FCC regulations regarding the internet are for more lax than for television. It is this lack of censorship that has allowed me the freedom to visit up to and including 20 porn sites dedicated to underaged Brazilain midgets each day!
Who wins? <fake laughter> Can you tell us anything about the final two/four?
Actually, we haven't determined a winner. In a completely original manuver, I have decided to hold the final TC live during a reunion show with the cast of whores. But, I can tell you one thing....virtually every week produces a surprise at Tribal Council, and when it gets down to the final two, I think America will be very happy with the eventual winner, whoever it turns out to be.
Will the visit from the friend/relative be conjugal in nature?
Only if by "conjugal in nature" you mean sex in the woods.
I am sure that will make several people quite happy.<Kismet's face pales as she reads the next line in the teleprompter (edit out whisper of "They almost don't pay me enough to put up with this @#$%^)>
Your Casting Bean Bag Chair has become famous. Could you rate the 'ladies' and 'gentlemen's' performance on a scale of 1 to 10?
Of course, it would be my pleasure....
Outfrontgirl: I was great that night.
Dalton: Not spectacular, but still a quality performance by moi.
Dangerkitty: Once again, I was fabulous....I even did this thing with my elbow, a swatch of velcro and Bloddy Mary mix that was to die for.
SurvivorChick: I was a little tired that day. In all honesty, I would describe my performance as workmanlike.
GeorgeTirebiter: I was so good that I'm sure in 20 years she'll be singing folk songs about that night.
Vampkira: Told me she liked it rough so I hit her with a pillow case filled with Coke Cans ala Sean Penn in "Bad Boys"......and she loved it. It was tough to top that stunt, but I still finished strong...all in all, one of my better sexual performances of the day.
ItzLisa: When I would scream, "What's my name!?!" she would respond, "ItzShakes! ItzShakes!" and I thought that was funny. Other than that, I was just very good that night, not great by any means. But, she loved it anyway.
MonCherie: I finally perfected the Swan technique in this encounter. When I informed her of this milestone, she understandably felt very fortunate and lucky to be there....kind of like being in the stands for a perfect game....during the World Series.
I didn't have sex with any of the men no matter how much money Sleeeve offered me.....here was a direct quote from Sleeeve on the night in question...."Hey Shakes, with the money I'm gonna give ya, you could make a million headaches go away!"
Thank you for being so candid<edited by producers to remove Kismet's "You ARE rather full of yourself, for a..." tirade and Shakes tearfull breakdown>Do you plan to provide the players with hygene products?
Each tribe will be supplied with:
5 bags of rice
10 cans of food
1 knife, serated
1 frying pan
3 water coolers, empty
1 condom, reusable
1 oversized Texas state flag
10 hits of extacy
Did any lasting friendships form on the soundstage?
Yeah, the chick who held the boom mic and the guy who set the lights ended up becoming a couple of raging pen pals...it's really quite special.
Were all of the players sequestered for the duration of the show, or only the jury?
Actually, they're still sequestered...I kind of forgot to let them out....so, if anyone reading this is in the Los Angeles or Orange County area could you please go over to Studio City, Lot 42, Stage B-3 and unlock the door?
Who knows the shows outcome?
Well, no one knows who the winner is yet, but as far as the rest...I know, AyaK, the 16 contestants, and a very limited group of TRUSTED employees.....I had some potential leaks, but those have all been taken care of.
Were there any accidents? Was anyone injured during filming?
Someone was definitely injured....and I don't know if I would call it an "accident"....lets just leave it at that.
How many SPCA violations did you rack up? Was any natural environment destroyed? Did you leave any endangered specie alive?
That's the benefit of working on a sound stage...everything is digital!
Were there any "Acts OF God"? Did it have any effect on the show?
Yes, there were plenty...only on the show, we refer to them as "Acts of Shakes".
How tight is security for the show? Are there any loopholes in the players contracts?
Security makes up 20% of my entire budget....its easier to break into Fort Knox. The players all signed confidentialit agreements, but more importatantly, they know that if they do give anything away I'll have them, their families, their friends, neighbors, hell even the guy who delivers the morning paper KILLED, every last one of them! Screw the lawsuits....you
fuck with me, you take two to the back of the head, and then its an eternity in a unmarked lye-soaked grave in the middle of some cornfield near Gary, Indiana. Plain and simple, I will do anything to protect the integrity of my show.
How many lawsuits are currently pending against you?
I'm not at liberty to discuss that, but as far as the one I got served with earlier today, you can tell that lying bitch that I pulled out way early......and the blood test will prove it!
Are any of the challenges rigged?
"rigged" is such a strong word...I prefer to use the word "guided".
Who were your favorite players? Which ones were the most entertaining.
Well, none of them were really entertaining, and they all brought different unique characteristics to the game. Vamp, Outfrontgirl, Ice Cat....they all brought a lot to the table. And Mon Cherie, she really kicked some butt in the challenges.
What was more important in this game; brains, brawn, or beauty?
Well, considering that none of the 16 possess ANY of these characteristics, its really a toss up.
This concludes this interview with Shakes Burnett. Thank you for joining us for this special edition. <edit out Kismet's "A thousand showers will not cleanse the stench of this interview from me" comment>