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"EITS Interview With Shakes Burnett"
Posted by Kismet on 05-23-01 at 08:04 AM
LAST EDITED ON 05-23-01 AT 09:10 AM (EST)





Eye In The Sky
Interview with Shakes Burnett
Thank you for joining us for this special edition of Eye in the Sky. As promised we have obtained an Exclusive Interview With Shakes Burnett sponsored in part by BadAs Bar and Grill.*

<All Cameras focus on a soundstage with only two out of place armchairs, Kismet faces the Camera #1 and begins>
Thank you for joining us SB community. As you know the Shakesvivor Phoenomena is sweeping the boards. We at Eye in the Sky, felt it was only appropriate to interview the man responsible for the hysteria. So without further ado let me introduce Shakes Burnett
<Camera#2 follows the entrance of Shakes Burnett wearing his patented bored and pissed off expression, and nothing else. He and Kismet shake hands (edited to take out the joybuzzer fiasco)and sit down in the armchairs>

Thank you for agreeing to this interview Shakes. Tell us, how does this show compare to the previous two Survivors?

Well, its much better for one. But, seriously I think you'll see that there are several similarities in that the game itself is modeled after the Survivor. But, I think you'll see that there are several key differences as well...let's just say we didn't exactly follow the Survivor Rulebook by the letter. We did some improvising. Also, I think you'll find the previous Survivor casts tame compared to the 16 camera whores I assembled.

You were very outspoken about players complaining of hunger during Survivor 2. Does this mean that you will provide plenty of food for the current group?

No no no, there will be even less food than on Survivor, but the difference is that my cast isn't allowed to talk about it....the contract they signed provides that ever mention of hunger comes with a 2% reduction of their eventual prize winnings. That could end up being a lot of money, especially if you are the ultimate Shakesvivor.

Will this edition of the game all about alliances?

It won't be ALL about alliances, but I'd be a big fat liar if I said that alliances don't play a part in the scheme of things. And we all know that I'm not a liar.

Of course we know you would never lie.<edited to remove eye rolling> People often blame the producers for how their characters are portrayed. How do you respond to this?

I don't. Its a sign of weakness when you can't own up to your actions, and if anyone from my cast plans to be weak, then they shouldn't have come on the show in the first place.

How much imput did AyaK have in the show?

AyaK will have ZERO imput into the show, which is really no different from the way our relationship has worked all season. It's really not a secret that I've been carrying his ass on these boards for some time now. I doubt it would surprise people to find out that AyaK e-mails me every one of his posts before he posts them so that I can proof read them and make sure that the logic is sound....if I mail it back with the "OK", then he would post it on the board. This is a good process because it has allowed me to filter out what has often been the half baked ideas of a savant...Ayak has over 1200 DAW's, if I wasn't around to get rid of the garbage that number would easily be twice as large.

Will there be any romantic relationships formed during the show? Do you plan to show the sex scenes?

FCC regulations regarding the internet are for more lax than for television. It is this lack of censorship that has allowed me the freedom to visit up to and including 20 porn sites dedicated to underaged Brazilain midgets each day!

Who wins? <fake laughter> Can you tell us anything about the final two/four?

Actually, we haven't determined a winner. In a completely original manuver, I have decided to hold the final TC live during a reunion show with the cast of whores. But, I can tell you one thing....virtually every week produces a surprise at Tribal Council, and when it gets down to the final two, I think America will be very happy with the eventual winner, whoever it turns out to be.

Will the visit from the friend/relative be conjugal in nature?

Only if by "conjugal in nature" you mean sex in the woods.

I am sure that will make several people quite happy.<Kismet's face pales as she reads the next line in the teleprompter (edit out whisper of "They almost don't pay me enough to put up with this @#$%^)>
Your Casting Bean Bag Chair has become famous. Could you rate the 'ladies' and 'gentlemen's' performance on a scale of 1 to 10?

Of course, it would be my pleasure....

Outfrontgirl: I was great that night.

Dalton: Not spectacular, but still a quality performance by moi.

Dangerkitty: Once again, I was fabulous....I even did this thing with my elbow, a swatch of velcro and Bloddy Mary mix that was to die for.

SurvivorChick: I was a little tired that day. In all honesty, I would describe my performance as workmanlike.

GeorgeTirebiter: I was so good that I'm sure in 20 years she'll be singing folk songs about that night.

Vampkira: Told me she liked it rough so I hit her with a pillow case filled with Coke Cans ala Sean Penn in "Bad Boys"......and she loved it. It was tough to top that stunt, but I still finished strong...all in all, one of my better sexual performances of the day.

ItzLisa: When I would scream, "What's my name!?!" she would respond, "ItzShakes! ItzShakes!" and I thought that was funny. Other than that, I was just very good that night, not great by any means. But, she loved it anyway.

MonCherie: I finally perfected the Swan technique in this encounter. When I informed her of this milestone, she understandably felt very fortunate and lucky to be there....kind of like being in the stands for a perfect game....during the World Series.

I didn't have sex with any of the men no matter how much money Sleeeve offered me.....here was a direct quote from Sleeeve on the night in question...."Hey Shakes, with the money I'm gonna give ya, you could make a million headaches go away!"

Thank you for being so candid<edited by producers to remove Kismet's "You ARE rather full of yourself, for a..." tirade and Shakes tearfull breakdown>Do you plan to provide the players with hygene products?

Each tribe will be supplied with:

5 bags of rice
10 cans of food
1 knife, serated
1 frying pan
3 water coolers, empty
1 condom, reusable
1 oversized Texas state flag
10 hits of extacy

Did any lasting friendships form on the soundstage?

Yeah, the chick who held the boom mic and the guy who set the lights ended up becoming a couple of raging pen pals...it's really quite special.

Were all of the players sequestered for the duration of the show, or only the jury?

Actually, they're still sequestered...I kind of forgot to let them out....so, if anyone reading this is in the Los Angeles or Orange County area could you please go over to Studio City, Lot 42, Stage B-3 and unlock the door?

Who knows the shows outcome?

Well, no one knows who the winner is yet, but as far as the rest...I know, AyaK, the 16 contestants, and a very limited group of TRUSTED employees.....I had some potential leaks, but those have all been taken care of.

Were there any accidents? Was anyone injured during filming?

Someone was definitely injured....and I don't know if I would call it an "accident"....lets just leave it at that.

How many SPCA violations did you rack up? Was any natural environment destroyed? Did you leave any endangered specie alive?

That's the benefit of working on a sound stage...everything is digital!

Were there any "Acts OF God"? Did it have any effect on the show?

Yes, there were plenty...only on the show, we refer to them as "Acts of Shakes".

How tight is security for the show? Are there any loopholes in the players contracts?

Security makes up 20% of my entire budget....its easier to break into Fort Knox. The players all signed confidentialit agreements, but more importatantly, they know that if they do give anything away I'll have them, their families, their friends, neighbors, hell even the guy who delivers the morning paper KILLED, every last one of them! Screw the lawsuits....you
fuck with me, you take two to the back of the head, and then its an eternity in a unmarked lye-soaked grave in the middle of some cornfield near Gary, Indiana. Plain and simple, I will do anything to protect the integrity of my show.

How many lawsuits are currently pending against you?

I'm not at liberty to discuss that, but as far as the one I got served with earlier today, you can tell that lying bitch that I pulled out way early......and the blood test will prove it!

Are any of the challenges rigged?

"rigged" is such a strong word...I prefer to use the word "guided".

Who were your favorite players? Which ones were the most entertaining.

Well, none of them were really entertaining, and they all brought different unique characteristics to the game. Vamp, Outfrontgirl, Ice Cat....they all brought a lot to the table. And Mon Cherie, she really kicked some butt in the challenges.


What was more important in this game; brains, brawn, or beauty?

Well, considering that none of the 16 possess ANY of these characteristics, its really a toss up.

This concludes this interview with Shakes Burnett. Thank you for joining us for this special edition. <edit out Kismet's "A thousand showers will not cleanse the stench of this interview from me" comment>


Kismet

*The views expressed in the contents of this or any column are not necessarily the views of "Eye in the Sky", its management, or advertisers.

Table of contents
Messages in this discussion
"RE: EITS Interview With Shakes Burnett"
Posted by Drive My Car on 05-23-01 at 10:32 AM
Excellant interview Kismet.
I've heard that Shakes is quite the flirt, did he make a pass at you?
I am also curious as to why you didn't reveal your involment in Shakesvivor? Weren't you an early applicant ? Do you think being rejected by Shakes changed the way in which you interviewed him?
Just wondering if there could be any conflict of interest here.

EBug

"RE: EITS Interview With Shakes Burnett"
Posted by Kismet on 05-23-01 at 11:31 AM
>Excellant interview Kismet.
>I've heard that Shakes is quite
>the flirt, did he make
>a pass at you?

I am completely immune to the charms of that clown.

>I am also curious as to
>why you didn't reveal
>your involment in Shakesvivor? Weren't
>you an early applicant ?
>Do you think being rejected
>by Shakes changed the way
>in which you interviewed him?

Actually that application was a botched attempt to do some undercover investigating. I do not mind being 'rejected' on my principles.

>
>Just wondering if there could be
>any conflict of interest here.
>

Yes, indeed there is a conflict of interest. I told my employers that I was biased on this matter, but they would not listen. Apparently, the sponsors wanted a slanted interview. I expect better from you on your EGG show.

Kismet

"Truly Brilliant!!!!"
Posted by Typoman on 05-23-01 at 10:38 AM
Thank you so much for that candid interview, it brings into new light the total degredation that is consistant with that, meglomaniac, self-absorbed, media whore, known as Shakes..

Keep up the good work and look for more bashing From BADAS..the jilted, the obsessed, the New Flame Friend of Leif...

No Rock will be left unturned in the ultimate demise and Flaming of SHAKESVIVOR..


LOL
BA/TY

"RE: Truly Brilliant!!!!"
Posted by VampKira on 05-23-01 at 11:24 AM
Oh Kis! This was amazing! You are one talented woman!

w.l.s.f.c.

Du ar min hjälte, Supermänniska


"RE: Truly Brilliant!!!!"
Posted by Kismet on 05-23-01 at 11:33 AM
Thanks for the kudo's, but I feel the need to clarify. This was a real interview with Shakes carried out over email. I'm not talented or perverse enough to type up the sex rating answers trust me.

Kismet

"RE: EITS Interview With Shakes Burnett"
Posted by volmel on 05-23-01 at 11:48 AM
>MonCherie: I finally perfected the
>Swan technique in this encounter.
> When I informed her
>of this milestone, she understandably
>felt very fortunate and lucky
>to be there....kind of like
>being in the stands for
>a perfect game....during the World
>Series.
>
Is this like the Venus Flytrap move? Did you throw in a swirl at the end a-la George Castanza? *perking up*
"Confidentiality"
Posted by AyatollahKhomeini on 05-23-01 at 01:32 PM
LAST EDITED ON 05-23-01 AT 03:58 PM (EST)

>How much imput did AyaK have in the show?
>
>AyaK will have ZERO imput into the show, which is really
>no different from the way our relationship has worked all
>season. It's really not a secret that I've been
>carrying his ass on these boards for some time now.
> I doubt it would surprise people to find out
>that AyaK e-mails me every one of his posts before
>he posts them so that I can proof read them and make sure that
>the logic is sound....if I mail it back with the "OK",
>then he would post it on the board. This is a good process
>because it has allowed me to filter out what has often
>been the half baked ideas of a savant...Ayak has over
>1200 DAW's, if I wasn't around to get rid of
>the garbage that number would easily be twice as large.

Darn it, shakes, you were supposed to keep quiet about that! Does that mean that I can breach the confidentiality agreement too and go join ICB's and Leif's group flaming the show? Please?

"RE: EITS Interview With Shakes Burnett"
Posted by dangerkitty on 05-23-01 at 01:38 PM
Very interesting, if only for the blatant confirmation of Shakes' character. His comments were fortunately redeemed by Kismet's brilliant guidance.

>Dangerkitty: Once again, I was
>fabulous....I even did this thing
>with my elbow, a swatch
>of velcro and Bloddy Mary
>mix that was to die
>for.

Yeah, and I still haven't been able to remove the damn velcro...


>1 condom, reusable

And it was already used when we got it, eewwwww!!


Hey, AyaK! You gonna stand around and take that shit???


"Whatever charm school you went to, you should demand a full refund."
-a guy at my dojo, after I offered to kick his butt during sparring (he thought it wasn't very 'ladylike').

"RE: EITS Interview With Shakes Burnett"
Posted by George Tirebiter on 05-23-01 at 01:41 PM
Oh, Kis! This just gets better and better!! I'm so glad you're still making time to depressurize here--the show wouldn't have been the same without your EITS!

GT

"RE: EITS Interview With Shakes Burnett"
Posted by Outfrontgirl on 05-23-01 at 03:09 PM
Kis, stunningly brilliant. This is one of the best things I've read. I'm actually relieved to hear you didn't get into the Clown's head enough to reproduce his voice that accurately. That idea scared me. You are a great interviewer and so good at keeping your reactions under control!

I must say the Clown's style of running things puts Mark Burnett to shame. I think I said in another post there was no compelling reason not to leak info. Well, gulp, I've been persuaded that maybe I should just zip it. No revelations from me, nada. That lye in the grave thing, eewww. Sounds like a scene from a Coen brothers movie.

I'm a little bummed that I was apparently first in the Casting Chair. I mean it was so soiled already I couldn't tell...
That means I didn't get the benefit of this technique perfection that supposedly occurred; do you think he'll start over again?
I have some pride in my abilities that way, and I have NEVER had a guy not say something about amazing I was. This self-absorbed Clown presents a true challenge.

By the way, thanks for reminding him to let us out! The smell of ass was getting incredibly powerful...

Keep up the fabulous work,
OFG

"RE: EITS Interview With Shakes Burnett"
Posted by RudyRules on 05-23-01 at 06:56 PM
Kis,
Great job as usual! I am eagerly awaiting my conjugal visit with my chosen visitor (now who was that again Kis?) Wear something sexy whoever you are! I'll put a blindfold over snoopysucks' shades so he won't be able to observe the romantic interlude.

"RE: EITS Interview With Shakes Burnett"
Posted by Dalton on 05-23-01 at 08:03 PM
Someday....Kiss-Me-Kate....we're all going to claim
that WE knew YOU....BEFORE you were "a rich & famous
TV Talk Show Host"!!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To my TribeMate OutFrontGirl....glad to see ya realized
the "zip-it" option..."leakwise"...hehehe.
And sorry about the "batting
line-up" for the Clown-Casting-Couch BUT
SISTAH I told Shakes: "No waaaay in hell is Dalton
going first!! Have you lost what little mind you
ever had??" Then I stupidly said something like...
maaaaybe I'd go 2nd IF....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Note to RudyRules on the Borning OHs Tribe:

Your sig pic looks like Howard Cosell
in a cheap costume left over from "Planet of the Apes",
for cripes sakes!!!
You are NO RudyReigns; because I KNEW RudyReigns and
YOU ain't him!!!! Ppppfffffiiiittttt!!!
OH... and your fat-female dog will tell me all your secrets too...I have a degree in "Dog Speak".

Dalton
aka: Princess Lotus Blossom

PS. DAMN STRAIGHT....outside "reward visits" are allowed!!
In fact, the contestants DEMANDED them....loudly and often!!!!


"Food"
Posted by AyaK on 06-27-01 at 05:27 PM
According to shakes:

"Each tribe will be supplied with:

"5 bags of rice
10 cans of food
1 knife, serated
1 frying pan
3 water coolers, empty
1 condom, reusable
1 oversized Texas state flag
10 hits of ecstacy"

How are the tribes doing on their food supply after 5 episodes? We already had noted weight loss among the Ogakor after 5 episodes, but so far we've had no food info about BV. Oh, and what about that ecstacy? Has it been consumed, or was it traded for bong filler?

"RE: Food"
Posted by Outfrontgirl on 06-27-01 at 05:41 PM
Good point, AyaK. I think it's hard to know because at least once we saw Survivorerist getting donuts, so they seem to be doing better than Bitchell (thought the crew would flip him a candy bar) at getting around the rationing.

I'm thinking Aya Probe needs to tighten security if we're not to have a bunch of weight gain here, at least among the BB's. I think the AA's just have the rice.

OFG doesn't take ecstasy, I will tell you that.

As for the condom, it could not possibly have survived all the activity in the BB camp unless Superman has super condom-renewing powers.

Are you hinting we need to get back to the basic Survivor experience of hunger and lack of energy, instead of all this sex, sex, sex and drugs galore? You may have something there, but the next title doesn't promise mush talk about starvation.


"RE: Food"
Posted by Survivorerist on 06-27-01 at 05:55 PM
>>>As for the condom, it could not possibly have survived all the activity in the BB camp unless Superman has super condom-renewing powers.<<<

rofl ofg!

>>>Are you hinting we need to get back to the basic Survivor experience of hunger and lack of energy, instead of all this sex, sex, sex and drugs galore?<<<

But hunger and lack of energy doesn't bring ratings. Remember episode 13 of...that other show?

================

"Just turn right when you see that big church sign.
Just go straight, and you'll be on your way."
- Adam Gregory "Big Star"

"Hunger"
Posted by AyaK on 06-27-01 at 06:49 PM
LAST EDITED ON 06-27-01 AT 06:57 PM (EST)

Survivorerist, I'm not saying that there shouldn't be ANY sex in these episodes ... but I still haven't found out where these people bathe or how they keep from, to paraphrase Nick, smelling like sex in camp. I haven't seen any reward challenges for bath supplies, or toothpaste, or toothbrushes -- how do they brush their teeth, anyhow?

And cooking -- (how did you get to go out for donuts, Svist? A bribe?) -- who is the cook in each camp? Can she or he cook rice? Ask Jerri how important that skill is. Any tortillas being made? What's in the food cans? Has anyone been tempted to put the knife to an "inappropriate" use?

Remember, this show isn't Love Cruise! In two real Survivors, the closest we got to sex was in Jerri's fantasies (S2) and MB's editing (S1-Colleen and Greg). In BlowsVivor, even a luxury item wants to get into the (sex) act. There is nothing wrong with that, but let's fill in the blanks.

Edited to add: Svist, I don't expect you to answer all of these questions in your episode -- and if you already have it done (we need a voting thread before you can post, BTW), you may not answer any of them. I just want the writers to keep them in mind.

"RE: Hunger"
Posted by Outfrontgirl on 06-27-01 at 07:52 PM
I suppose this should be its own thread, AK.
Here's a checklist of what we know about the tribes' survival issues. Maybe we need a log for the writers as a resource.
Not a log in the river, a thread.
From memory, because I don't have time to go re-read:

Bathing/hygiene:
In Ep 2 the RC was hygiene products. BB's won. Also the BB's have a large supply of Dr. Bronners.
In Ep 3, Pepe noted the AA women were all bathing-deficit, although everyone got well-scrubbed at IC.
In Ep 5, the AA's hands and breath smells were apparently less than fresh.
This inequality between tribes may account for why some BB's have consummated sex and the AA's advances get rejected.

Cooking/Food
No explanation of how Surv got the donuts, but in Ep 2 he was cast as the hunter/forager of the BB's.
OFG has replaced RR as rice-cooker in the AA's.
I have heard GT make unofficial claims that she cooks for the BB's. No one else has shown any interest.

Shelter location: (Important for merge)
BBs are in woods away from possible flooding due to Rhino's good thinking.
AAs ended up in the path of flooding (Ep 3), probably due to all the arguing between Dalton and SD over building shelter in Ep 1 and because RR was not yet there to give them sensible advice.

Fire:
They seem to have it, but god knows why.

Sleep:
The BB's get little due to Superman and Vamps.
AA's were sleeping OK with the young men out of the picture, but now with Pepe and SChick playing around, who knows?

Heat & Cold:
Due to the location and the lack of AC, they are all hot and sweaty, all of the time.

That's all I've got for now.


"Thanks"
Posted by AyaK on 06-27-01 at 09:19 PM
Thanks, OFG. I agree, this should be a separate "resources" thread. Would you like to start it, using your post and the info on the food supplies from shakes?