Previously on Shakesvi...er, ummm....Supesv.....no, wait, wait....Bavi...ahhhhhh hell!
Previously on BLOWSVIVOR.........
The BorneoBores win a wascally wabbit at the wewawd...er reward challenge. Much to the liking of Survivorerist and much to the disdain of SnoopySucks who had vowed to "get him some of that".
The ArrogantAussies make like a combination of Jesse Owens & Louie Anderson and win the most important relay race/eating challenge of their pathetic little lives, even after a blunder by a pantsless sleeeve begging someone to "grab the loofah".
The third castaway has been….. well..cast away. The petite powerpuff was precariously popped off the Paramount pictures powerhouse to her peril. If you'll excuse me, I need to pee..
And now, day....whatever...
At the BorneoBores camp, the tension, the superhero, and the stress mount...
Noises in the night have disturbed several of the tribe members. Well, mostly Vampkira and Superman who are busy making their own noise and hate to be outdone. No, these noises are coming from a distance and they give the tribe a sorta "Blair-Witch without the corny camera shots" feel to them.
IceCat: I gotta get outta here, I just gotta...
GT: Will you shut up?! I finally got rid of Miss Chat's alot last week and you haven't shut up since! You're days are numbered you, you...Arctic Inbred! *mumble* Damn cat, with his damn long hair and his pocket-protector. Urkel Cat is more like it..*mumble* Wish that helicopter would've had an ejector seat*mumble*
The noises in the night grew louder and louder. Superman and Vampkira set out to investigate, seeing as how they were ..ahem..up, anyway. They followed the sound deep into the back of the studio. The scream would transform from laughter to crying, laughter to crying , laughter to crying. They traced it to an old beat up stage curtain.
Vampkira: OMG, the stench.....and look at the huge yellow puddle!
Superman: Those shoes......those big, floppy shoes!
Superman pulled back the curtain and stood face-to-face.............with shakes the clown!
And the yellow puddle grew larger....
Superman: Why the hell did you abandon us here?
shakes: I can't take it. This isn't what it was supposed to be!
Superman: So what are you trying to say? Are you quitting?
shakes: I just wanna go home, just let me go..
D.I. McSupery: We hate to have anyone quit, y'know? It just feels like when they fail, we've failed. And I for one don't like that feeling.
Meanwhile, on Dismissal Hill:
AyaK Probe: Recruits! We have lost another one of our own. Take off your hats for a moment of silence.
Dalton: Dalton will be quiet, when Dalton wants to be quiet!
GT: Good riddance to bad rubbish I say.
AK: Alright, shakes' dog tags will now be passed on to Superman, no BA, no let's just pass them around like a $10 whore, what do you say?
Survivorerist and Sleeeve (in unison): $10 whore! Yes!
AyaK: This dismissal has been sponsored by Budweiser. The good folks at Bud ask you, "Wazzzzzzzup?!"
Back at the Bore Camp...
Superman: Young grasshopper, you gotta let us have the bunny. Peoples are getting pissed. I mean, we haven't eaten since this morning!
Survivorerist: NO! Lamber and I have a bond an inseparable bond! I refuse to let you eat her! You can eat her tiny chocolate eggs instead."
Superman walks away and says, "Those are turds Survist and I've taught you better than this, but hey, It's your head."
Survivorerist (to himself): Oh, is it man of steel? Is it really?
Survivorerist holds Lamber's lifeless body toward the heavens and laughs. He laughs to the point of shaking and the broken neck of Lamber causes her head to swing side to side as the blood trickles down Survivorerist's face.
Survivorerist: Buwaaaa Haa Haa!
Mon Cherie: Survivorerist and I are growing closer, y'know? He's the only "normal" guy on this tribe. The rest are just tight wearing, bat humping, invisible keyboard typing freaks. Yeah, I like Surv alot. I've even got past him calling me Amber 30 times a day. Are we aligned? Well, sexually no. I've at least gotta wait until he hits puberty, but otherwise you could say we are..yeah.
Later that Night.....
Superman quietly creeps out of the tent..
Superman (whispering mockingly): Start the fire, Supe. Heat the food, Supe. Light my bong, Supe. Jeez...You'd think heat vision was an asset. Everybody sleeps, I get to be the keeper of the flame. There all gonna wake up with a fire in their woollies.
Mon Cherie: Supe...
Superman: Christ! What are you doing? This is the last clean pair of red briefs that I have out here and I don't feel like scraping the shit out of them.
Mon Cherie: Sorry...but there's something you need to see...
Mon Cherie leads Superman back into the tent where she kneels quietly beside of the sleeping Survivorerist. She peers back at Superman, who quickly does that "nose scratch pretending that he wasn't really picking it" thing . Mon Cherie pulls down Survivorerist's collar to reveal teeth marks and a trail of blood that leads to the lips of his beloved Vampkira.
And what happened then...?
Well...in Who-ville they say
That Superman's large heart
Shrank three sizes that day!
Sleeeve: C'mon just touch it for God's sake!
Sleeeve: Stupid Dog!
Dalton: The Dalton says this: The Dalton is playing both sides of the fence right now. The Dalton sees the Canucks and The Dalton sees the Californians. The Dalton is thinking that Dalton could go either way, not in a SurvivorChick kinda way of course, but the Dalton can hang with the Canadians, eh? And The Dalton can fit in with the Californians. If you can smelllll *raises eyebrow* what The Dalton.....................is cooking.
DangerKitty: PePe is kinda freaking me out. I thought I was agressive, but this guy. Yikes! And that smell! The stench of skunk is bad enough, but when you add on his rice farts...Shooo! He makes the whole tent smell like......y'know.....something stinky. I am sooooo not interested.
The tribe begins the day feeling cocky. To celebrate their recent victory they decide to spruce the place up a bit, hang a few pictures, plant a few flowers, paint the tent, y'know make the place more homey.
RudyRules: Might as well dress the place up, eh? We're not going anywhere for a while.
SurvivorChick: Let's paint the tent white!
Dalton: The Dalton says this: Yeah, Sleeevie, white. Get used to it, you'll be wearing it on your wedding day. Hey, RudyRules! The Dalton says, get your RudyPooh candy ass over here and get to painting!
RudyRules and Outfrontgirl, begin painting the tent, unaware that Dangerkitty is still inside. Dangerkitty walks out in her stunning, black catsuit, accidently rubbing a stripe of white paint all the way down her back. Upon seeing this Pepe LePew is thrown into an uncontrollable hormonal rage. He grabs DangerKitty as she struggles...
Pepe Lepew: Oh Cherie......Your skin like the subtle breeze, (can't spell that kissing sound that Pepe Lepew makes, but picture it here 3 times)...Your gorgeous eyes...(3 more times...the kissing noise..here)...If the sky was my parchment and the ocean my ink, I could not begin to write of my love for you...(3 more with the kissing right about....wait for it .....now)...
DangerKitty scratches the everlovin' bejesus out of Pepe and runs into the forest, all the while breathing heavily, "Le Pant....Le Pant...Le Wheeze..."
Pepe: She wants me, no?
OFG: No. I'm going to get the mail. Hopefully, it will be full of more fan letters for me in appreciation for my great Episode late week.
Dalton: The Dalton says this: Just go get the mail dear. If you don't stop tooting your own horn so much, you're gonna chip a tooth.
OFG: Let's see here, bill....bill...occupant...."You may already be a winner....."... Oh! Here it is. Listen up guys!
(SSC-PY) *mumble* What the hell does that mean?*mumble*
Be careful what you wish for
This challenge makes some sick
But if you swallow what we've got for you
You'll win weenies on a stick!
SurvivorChick: OMG! Weenies on a stick! I Love those!
DangerKitty: It's ANOTHER eating challenge?!
Sleeeve: I dunno, this IS a battle of the whores and the mail just says "swallow".
RudyRules: Surely not...
Dalton: Tribe, what do you think this means?
Dangerkitty, OFG, SurvivorChick (in unison): Well, It just mi..
Dalton: IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOU THINK! The Dalton says this; You will EAT or Drink or Swallow whatever is laid before you! The Dalton doesn't care if it is Sleeeve's penis, you will do with it what you're told.
Sleeeve (whispering with fingers crossed): Please God...c'mon pleeeeease..
Ayak Probe: Greetings whores. I imagine that you've figured out what today's challenge will be...
IceCat: I knew before we even got the tree mail.
AyaK: How's that?
Sleeeve: Quite simple my dear dictator, he rigged up a satellite receiver using tin foil and a hat and then...
AyaK: Sorry I asked..It's time to eat tribe. If it comes down to it, one member of the BB's will have to eat twice since you are down a player. First up, Dalton and GT, spin the wheel....
DangerKitty: Didn't we just DO this last episode?
AyaK: We're on a budget, ok? And besides, it's different. This weeks eating challenge is brought to you in part, by the good people at Weight Watchers.
The wheel spins and lands on a little piece of paper that says "words".
GT: What the hell is this?
AyaK: Ummmm, GT, Dalton each of you have to say your sorry to one member of your tribe for saying something mean to them. Simply put; eat your own words.
Dalton: The Dalton says this: Let The Dalton fill you in on a little somethin' camel jockey....
AyaK: Nevermind, I take it that you refuse.
GT: You can put me down on that list, too boy. I don't say anything that I don't wanna say.
AyaK: Alright ladies. Vampkira, Pepe you're up...
The wheel lands on two cups filled with a yellow, foul fluid..
Ayak: We found this in a puddle under an old curtain in the back, not sure what it is, but drink up.
VK: Ummmm, oh Jeez...
Mon Cherie (whispers to Supe): I don't know what SHE'S worried about. Her mouth has been rather busy lately.
Superman: Damn Mon, don't you think this is tough enough for me?
Pepe: Oh, zee aroma! It iz like, how you say...heavenly!
Pepe drinks Vamp refuses. AA up 1 - 0.
AyaK: OFG, Surviorerist your turn.
The wheel spins and lands on a big, beautiful bouquet of cannabis...
Survivorerist: My mom wouldn't approve of this.
AyaK: Dude, your mom's not watching.
Survivorerist: Mom watches all the time, she can feel when I'm doing wrong. I refuse.
OFG (seeds all in her teeth): Hand it over, momma's boy!
AA up 2-0
Ayak: SurvivorChick, Mon Cherie...spin the wheel.
The wheel lands on a picture of an arrow that points to the opposite player.
Mon Cherie: .....Does this mean?
AyaK: I'm afraid so, you have to eat each other.
Mon Cherie: ...and when you say "eat"..
SurvivorChick: He ain't talking about using a spoon & fork...unless your into that..
Sleeeve(mumbling): It couldn't have been Sleeeeeve and Mon Cherie or Sleeeeeeeve and SurvivorChick, could it? Oh no...Sleeeeve doesn't get breaks like that. Why do you hate me Jesus?
Mon Cherie: ummmm.....
SurvivorChick: Hey, I'm game. Let's go!
Mon Cherie: uhhh, no. I don't think so.
A huge groan comes from all the men.
AyaK: Ok, well...Mon Cherie's refusal, doesn't negate SurvivorChicks willingness. Point AA.
AA leads 3-0.
AyaK: One more win and AA get the weenies, RudyRules, IceCat spin....
The wheel lands on an economy-sized can of Alpo.
IceCat: Hissss! Phhbbt!
RudyRules: Can I use my luxury item in this challenge?
AyaK: But, of course!
IceCat: I don't care! I wanna go home anyway! Vote me off next, people, pleaaaaase!
Sleeeeve: The chances of your tribe winning this challenge if you did eat were, statistically speaking, 56.345332 to 1 anyway Cat. No big loss.
AyaK: The weenies on a stick belong to AA!
SnoopySucks: Woof! (Translation: Sticks! OMG! I love those!)
The Bores walk away dejected and humiliated. Vamp walks beside Superman.
Vampkira: Don't worry, baby. We don't need all those weenies.
Superman: Well, I KNOW I don't...
Vampkira: What's that supp..
Mon Cherie: Hey Supe! Will you ummm, light my bong?
Superman: You didn't bring a bong, you brought your bible.
Mon Cherie: Oh...Will you light my bible then? I haven't been to a good book burning since I've been here.
Superman: Sure, whatever..
Over at the BorneoBore camp, GT and Vampkira head for the mailbox.
Vampkira: .....I mean he's acting weird, y'know?
GT: How so?
Vampkira: Well, for one thing, we haven't done it for like 6 hours!
GT: 6? Really? I thought I saw the rest of the tribe getting a nap.
GT reads the mail to the tribe.
GT: Blah, Blah, Blah, What's with all the poetry lately? Here it is:
(SSC-PY) (Psssstt...Volmel! Are you getting all this?)
The time has come for you my friends
This challenge will make you smile
Take off your pants, drop the Depends
And try to whiz a mile!
Mon Cherie: OMG! It's a peeing for distance competition.
GT: Last thing we need here, if you ask me, is another pissing contest....
Vampkira: We can't afford to lose another person. Let's do this!
AyaK Probe: Good evening, Blowsvivors. I gather that everyones bladder is full?
Dangerkitty: By the look of RudyRules' shoes, SnoopySucks' is empty.
AyaK: One at a time, step up to the line or lay down near the line, I guess.. and let 'er fly.
Nobody steps up to the line.
AyaK: What's this? Two challenges in one show that everyone refuses to participate in? That's it, I'm pulling a shakes. *In his best Eric Cartman voice* Screw you guys, I'm going home.
Survivorerist: No, No don't leave AyaK. I'll pee.
AyaK: I wasn't really leaving. Not with all the endorsements I'm picking up from this gig. This statement was brought to you, in part by the good folks at McDonalds, we love to see you smile.
Surv steps up to the line and drops his drawers.
Four hours later..........
AyaK: Jeeeeeeez Louise, C'mon Surv!
Survivorerist: I have a shy bladder, all right! Just back off!
IceCat: Look, Look! I tinkled!
AyaK: Sorry, but your entry is not valid. You simply wet your pants.
Dalton: The Dalton says this; So what? It's further than Surv.
Survivorerist: Shut up, you!
And just then in a blaze of unbridled fury, Survivorerist unleashes a raging, sunshine colored arc. It nearly parts Ayak's hair straight down the middle. Both tribes gasp in amazement.
GT: That's it sweetie, unleash the beast!
Mon Cherie: That's it! That's our entry in the contest!
AyaK: No other, BB wants to give it a try?
Superman: What's the point? No ones going to out do that.
AyaK: Ok, then AA's your up. BB has forfeited the rest of there turns because of Survivorerist's 32 foot spray. Any or all of your tribe may try to beat Surv. *chuckle* But, Good Luck.
The Aussie tribe just stands there.
Ayak: Ok, I guess that's it...Borne..
Dalton holds up a single hand in the face of AyaK, signaling him to be quiet. She turns her head slightly to the left and up, closes her eyes and sniffs the air.
Dalton: The Dalton says this: Your head, AK.
Ayak: My head?
Dalton: Where is your head?
Ayak: It's, ummmm, it's...
Dalton: Apparently, it's up your ass...
Dalton: If you'd care to take a look, Survivorerist is still doing his business.
Survivorerist: For the love of God, Make it STOP! I think I'm leaking spinal fluid...OH oh the horror!
Sleeeve: I'll finish this. You see, I've analyzed the wind current and the angle and projectile needed to surpass Surv's strea..
AyaK: Just go pee, will ya?
Sleeeve steps to the line, plucks a few blades of grass and tosses them into the air. He plants his left foot, then his right, holds his ummm, business in his hands and then swings it like a nine iron, unleashing the stream on the ..ahem..upstroke. AyaK walks to the site of sleeeves puddle.
AyaK: 37 feet! The AA's win Immunity! BorneoBores, I'll see you again tonight at Tribal Council. Don't forget your 8x10 glossies.
The trek to Tribal Council is a long one tonight with all the suspicion, hard feelings, and depression in the tribe. Not to mention the fact that Tribal Council was moved all the way over to Studio B.
Mon Cherie: When I signed up for this crap, nobody said a thing about walking all this way!
Mon Cherie: Supe is pretty upset. Tomorrow, I may have to start setting up a new alliance if I lose a member. Am I nervous? Maybe just a little.
IceCat: I don't know anymore. My alliance is still tight. The whole "trying to escape" thing is working out for me too. The sadistic bastards, act like you wanna leave and they are sure to keep you here. Besides, I already know the bootee check the boards.
GT: I think she's getting a little cruel, y'know? A little "over her head" even. We're gonna send her packing tonight.
Vampkira: My alliance? Yeah, It's all good. It's time to finally do what we were going to do last week. Bring a little harmony to the tribe.
Superman: (sigh) I don't know anymore. I'm throwing my vote. What happens, happens.
Survivorerist: Buwaa Haa Haa!
Cameraman (to Survivorerist): Calm down kid, your freaking me out.
Survivorerist: Sorry, I just thought of something funny.
The tribe arrives holding their 8x10s high in the air.
AyaK: Good evening. I trust that you all had a nice walk.
The tribe simultaneously flips AyaK the bird.
AyaK: I'm not asking any smarmy questions tonight. You're the same tribe I asked last time minus one other loser. Get up and vote. The previous statement was brought to you in part, by the good people of the Green Party, Go Nader!
Vampkira holds up her vote which reads: Bitch!(Mon Cherie)
Vampkira: Mon Cherie, nobody, but nobody tries to move in on my man. The fact that you even tried has me ROTFLMAO. See ya, Bitch!
Somewhere in the distance SnoopySucks' keen since of hearing picks up on this statement.
SnoopySucks: Woof! (Translation: Bitches! OMG! I love those!)
GT holds up her vote which reads: Mon Cherie
IceCat holds up his vote to the camera, which reads: Vampkira
IceCat: I just need a good night's sleep! I don't even enjoy watching anymore!
Survivorerist and Mon Cherie's votes are not shown.
Superman sighs. Starts to write something and scratches it out. He grabs a new sheet and begins to write the letter S… and then he marks that out and writes.............: Vampkira
Superman: Vamps, this is just symbolism over substance. I know your not going anywhere, so I'm just sending you a message. We haven't really had the chance to talk, we mainly just scream each other's name out. I'm a little hurt about this whole Survivorerist thing. I mean, he's got Lamber. He doesn't need you too.
AyaK: I'll tally the votes.
First Vote: Vampkira
Superman (thinking to himself): There. She's seen it. Ha! Now she'll know…
AyaK: Next vote: Mon Cherie
Third vote: Mon Cherie
Fourth vote: Vampkira
This startles Superman and he looks over at Vampkira, but as his head turns he notices Survivorerist chuckling. As Superman stares, Survivorerist reaches up, pulls down his collar to reveal the fang marks. Survivorerist then takes a white rabbit's foot from his pocket and wipes away the fake teeth marks with it! Superman's eyes widen as Survivorerist whispers toward him, "Ahhhh, Lamber what a wonderful friend you were. Buuwaaa Haaa Haaa!"
AyaK: Fifth Vote: Vampkira
Superman rushes to Vampkira's side.
AyaK: Sit down! You can't get out of your seat while I'm the center of attention! The proceeding statement was brought to you, in part by the good people at Doug's Invisible Dog Fences.
Superman: Vamp! I had no idea. I swear it! It was Survivorerist and Mon Cherie!
IceCat: And IceCat! Don't forget IceCat!
Superman(rolls eyes):…and Ice Cat!
AyaK: Final Vote…. Vampkira. Vamp, I'll need your 8x10. It's time for you to go.
Vampkira walks to AyaK with her 8x10 in hand, but before he has the chance to light it, it bursts into flames! Along with AyaK's hairpiece!
Superman: I guess this heat vision is worth something.
Vampkira: I forgive you Supe. I know this was not your doing. Avenge my demise oh man of steel.
-Vampkira turns into a bat and flies away-
AyaK: I'm Burning! Oh my beloved hairpiece! Nooooooo.... Somebody find my turban!
Superman turns to the rest of his tribe and glares. He vows his revenge upon each and every one of them….and then he swipes AyaK's cell phone and orders the biggest "I'm sorry for booting your ass" bouquet that FTD had in stock.
Vampkira(final words): I didn't see this coming. It's like..... OMG! I can't believe it. And Superman, Survivorerist they were the best of friends. I hate to see this kinda thing com... -SPAM WARNING-..
-Vampkira has been logged out for spamming-
IceCat: Spamburgers! OMG! I Love those!
Ayak: The proceeding summary has been sponsered by Seasame Street and brought to you in part, by the number "69" and the letters "F" & "U".
Tune in next week....