LAST EDITED ON 09-04-01 AT 01:55 PM (EST)
NOTE: Special thanks to AyatollahKhomeini for co-writing this episodes and for his many contributions, including the song choices (except for the two clips of TMBG).
BlowsVivor Episode 13 – “The Glory of Conquest”
Previously on BlowsVivor
Prior to initial entry into the BV soundstage:
AyaProbe: You’re all here to play a game. Sometimes it will feel like real life. If you let it, it will change your life forever.
skierdude10: Is that a good thing or a bad thing?
AyaProbe: That’s not my decision to make. You have to decide.
AyaProbe: Sixteen contestants...
Arrogant Aussies --- Dalton --- skierdude10 --- dangerkitty --- PepeLePew13 --- Outfrontgirl --- Survivorchick --- RudyRules --- sleeeve.
BorneoBores --- Survivorerist --- ItzLisa --- Superman --- George Tirebiter --- desert_rhino --- IceCat --- Mon Cherie --- VampKira.
Thirteen writers …
shakes the clown --- BadAs --- Outfrontgirl --- Superman --- SherpaDave --- Survivorerist --- idiotcowboy --- AyatollahKhomeini --- George Tirebiter --- dabo --- GG --- dangerkitty --- flying squirrel.
One winner …
TONIGHT on BlowsVivor 2001.
Outfrontgirl (holding up vote to expel GT from E11): This is a respect vote.Part 1: “The Winnowing”
Outfrontgirl (holding up vote to expel dk from E12): This is a respect vote.
IceCat (confessional from E9): This game is all about winning.
RudyRules (confessional from E10): They don’t suspect me. They’ll learn.
<Prologue: A conversation between Mark Burnit and AyaProbe:Day 36 (night)
MB: Aya, even all the cameos didn’t help -- the ratings for this show are still awful. Is there anything you can think of to save it?
AyaProbe: Well, Mark, it’s like I always used to say before I sold my soul to the devil…
MB: I didn’t give you one red cent for your soul. I just bought BV. I know the difference between fantasy and reality. Anyway, I don’t have to pay for souls any more. Now I just sit back and wait for people to walk in my doorway begging me to take their souls. (in strange voice) Give up only my soul to be the media whore of the season? Is that a trick question? (in normal voice, quietly) Little do they know what awaits them, Aya.
AyaProbe: Anyway, what I was going to say is that your shows have had two keys to success: scheming and starving. I think it’s time we introduced some of the latter.
MB: Whatever you want. Hey, after this is finally over, Aya, you need some time off. I recommend that you call your friends and family and tell them that you just need a little vacation, but you aren’t sure how long you’ll be gone. All expenses paid, in recognition of all your hard work.
AyaProbe: Thanks, Mark. I really appreciate it.
MB: You’ve earned it. It’s time you get what’s coming to you.>
After the previous night’s Tribal Council, the three remaining DAWs wander back to their camp to prepare for their last three days.
RudyRules: Snoop, are you a little hungry tonight? So am I. Let’s cook a little of our food tonight for a late snack.
Outfrontgirl: We just booted dangerkitty. I’m not hungry.
IceCat: Me either.
RudyRules: Well, SnoopySucks and I will just have a quick snack. We’ve got lots of food for three people.
But, after they arrive at camp….
RudyRules: Hey, where’s all the food? Where’s ANY of the food?
Outfrontgirl: Right where you’re looking, RR.
RudyRules: Oh yeah? You look!
Outfrontgirl heads to the food supply, followed closely by a sleepy, stumbling IceCat.
Outfrontgirl: It’s gone! All of it!
IceCat: Any clues?
Outfrontgirl: It wasn’t a wild coyote; there would be crumbs.
The DAWs search, but no food.
IceCat: I was just tired before, but now I’m starving.
Outfrontgirl: All the herbs are gone too! I don’t think this was an accident or an animal. Could the producers have done this? Rudy and Snoopy, go check our tree mail.
RudyRules: No. I’m the one who found this. YOU go check our tree mail.
IceCat: I’ll go check our tree mail.
Outfrontgirl: Not alone you won’t. I’m coming with you.
Outfrontgirl and IceCat walk off toward the tree mailbox with their torches. Immediately RudyRules pulls two large rawhide chew sticks from his pocket.
RudyRules: These were in the CARE packages from Colby’s mom, SnoopySucks. I had to keep them a secret, but I think I know why we got them now.
SnoopySucks: Arf! (takes the chew stick offered to her and starts gnoshing away. RR starts idly chewing on the second one.)
Noises in the weeds…
RudyRules: Uh oh, they’re coming back. Quick, Snoop, give me your stick!
SnoopySucks shoots RudyRules a “you’ve got to be kidding” look and immediately runs off into the weeds. RudyRules puts the last stick in his pocket.
Outfrontgirl and IceCat emerge.
IceCat: Listen to this:
Three days you have left
As part of the show.
But here’s a new challenge
Before you can go.
Rodger said he would go
Six days without food.
To stay till the end --
That’s the right mood.
Can you do it too?
Are you worthy to win?
We ask only three days.
And now you begin.
Outfrontgirl: And there’s this postscript:
In case you have thought
To find some herbs to brew,
Look out for defoliant
Sprayed on by the crew.
It’s poison to me,
And poison to you.
IceCat: I remember when Rodger said that. It was during his exit interview, just after he was voted off. He said he would have been willing to stay the last six days without food just to make it to the end.
Outfrontgirl: Yeah, it’s easy to act brave when you know you don’t have to go through with it. Why did Rodger have to say something so stupid? I should have known that Aya would torture us any way possible. Now he’s found a new one.
IceCat: Hey, what happened to SnoopySucks?
RudyRules: She ran off into the woods right before you two got back. I’d better go look for her.
Outfrontgirl: I’ll help. I already found her once.
RudyRules: No, you two just rest. Don’t worry, she didn’t go far. (heads out with his torch)
Outfrontgirl: That RudyRules, such a nice guy.
IceCat: Too nice.
In the last shot, we see RudyRules and SnoopySucks lying side-by-side in the dark weeds, gnawing feverishly on their rawhide bones.Day 37
The tribe awakens.
Outfrongirl: No food.
IceCat: Three more days.
RudyRules: Anyone want to go for a jog?
Outfrontgirl: Great idea. Do a lot of exercise and get hungrier.
RudyRules: OK, well, Snoop and I will take off now then. See you later! (leaves, jogging)
IceCat: Not a word about food, and he was hungry last night.
Outfrontgirl: Should we follow him?
IceCat: Not yet. Let’s see what we can scrounge up. You look on that side, I’ll look on this side.
Two hours later, IceCat and Outfrontgirl return forlornly to their campsite. After scrounging around the entire region, digging on hands and knees, they came up … pretty much empty.
Outfrontgirl: I have a few roots we might boil with water.
IceCat: What will that make?
Outfrontgirl: Dark water, with about the same level of nourishment, but at least it’s better than dehydrating.
As she and IceCat prepare the cooking supplies, a thought comes to her.
Outfrontgirl: Where’s RudyRules?
IceCat (peering around the campsite): No sign of him.
Outfrontgirl: It’s not like him to miss any meal.
IceCat: (after pause) It’s not like him to take SnoopySucks out for a jog, either.
Outfrontgirl: You don’t think…
IceCat: Two possibilities. Either he has some food on him, or … if we’re masterminds …well, he’s another kind of master.
IceCat: Too bad we don’t have backpacks any longer. Want to go find out?
Outfrontgirl: Sure, I’ll come along. But I never suspected anything like that when he was in our … ah, my old tribe. Did you, when he was in yours?
IceCat: No. But you never know what might happen.
As the two DAWs walk through the dying scrub bushes (defoliants work), they hear something.
Outfrontgirl: Did you hear that?
IceCat: Sounds like coyotes. Let’s leave them alone.
Outfrontgirl: Ahh, they’re nothing but scared dogs that bite. Let’s go see.
IceCat (as his hair starts to stand on end and his back arches): Sure.
The two tribemates burst through into a clearing, only to see…
RudyRules and SnoopySucks, both asleep, snoring loudly, with chewed-up rawhide bones beside their mouths.
Outfrontgirl: Where’d they get those?
IceCat (calming): Never mind that. Can they still be chewed? (picks up the bone next to RudyRules) Ewwwww, it’s all slobbery and stuff.
Outfrontgirl: Should we wake him up?
IceCat: Sleep deprivation causes short-term memory loss.
Outfrontgirl: The last immunity challenge on Survivor generally involves remembering things about the other contestants; I predict that AyaProbe will do something similar here.
IceCat (yelling, at the top of his lungs, with his mouth about one inch away from RudyRules’ ear): HEY THERE SLACKER, UP AND AT ‘EM!
…followed by a very funny scene of RudyRules leaping up and snapping to attention, before he remembers that he has never been all he can be, since the draft ended before claiming him. Outfrontgirl and IceCat dissolve into laughter.
RudyRules: Just you wait, ‘enry ‘iggins, just you wait.
IceCat: In your dreams, RudyRules.
SnoopySucks: Grrrrrrrrrr. (translation: Wanna hear about my dreams, little feline?)
After returning to camp, IceCat goes to check treemail. Outfrontgirl prepares a pot of “soup” that makes the cabbage soup people ate during the Great Depression seem like a gourmet meal. RudyRules, whose jaw is still sore from chewing, politely declines.
IceCat (returning): Time to pay homage to the land. We gotta go meet AyaProbe. Here’s what it says:
From time immemorial,
People have viewed
A Hollywood pictorial,
Polished or crude.
This time you will give
Thanks to the spirits so near
For letting you live
Until victory is clear.
This last piece of tribute,
The time it is nigh.
And then think of the boot
And not getting high.
Outfrontgirl: Here. (hands IceCat a bowl of ‘soup’) What do you think it means?
IceCat: Movie trivia?
Outfrontgirl: I don’t think so. I’ll bet we have to make a movie.
RudyRules: Can SnoopySucks star in it? (turns head) Hey, Cat, eat that soup like a man!
IceCat (who was lapping the soup up using his tongue): Since when have you told me how to eat soup?
RudyRules: Since you started to eat it like a freakin’ animal, that’s when!
IceCat: Well, maybe you’d like to have some, you gnawing machine, you.
And, as he says those words, IceCat pours most of the bowl of soup over RudyRules’ head.
Outfrontgirl: STOP IT! Behave yourselves, boys! Do you want to go live with the zoo?
RudyRules: Wouldn’t know that she’s a mom, would you?
IceCat: I’m sorry, I got carried away with the moment. It’s just the hunger.
Outfrontgirl: It’s a good thing AyaProbe didn’t starve us for the whole show. Can you imagine the conflict we would have had?
IceCat: Yeah, instead of our little family group here on BlowsVivor. Come here.
Both RudyRules and Outfrontgirl come in for a “group hug” with IceCat.
Outfrontgirl: RudyRules, better change. We need to be ready for our close up!
Later, on the plain next to the glowing sludge:
AyaProbe: Welcome to you all. So this – the three of you -- this is all that’s left of the dozens of people who tried to play BlowsVivor.
(somewhere in cyberspace, AyatollahKhomeini sighs, “Yeah, about the same number of people who are still reading this forum.”)
AyaProbe (continuing): These hills were the transplanted home of the first movie-makers in America. The first movies were made in France. The first movies in America were made in New York City. The early movie-makers moved their companies here from New York because … All Right Now, Because … It Never Rains In Southern California.
(somewhere in cyberspace, dangerkitty says, “Hey, the song title challenge was my idea LAST episode. Knock it off, squirrel! And stop copying my format with these ‘somewheres’ too!”)
AyaProbe (still continuing – doesn’t this guy ever get tired of hearing himself talk?): Yes, the first filmmakers here came because Hollywood was supposed to have more days per year of sunlight, without clouds or rain, than anywhere else in the continental U.S. And the tradition has lived on from that day to this, as ALL of the world’s largest movie studios are still based here.
RudyRules: YAWN. So what, Aya?
AyaProbe: So this, Rudy. Moviemaking technology used to be concentrated in the hands of the studios. But now individuals have the power to make professional-quality movies, since the introduction of the new digital videocamera line from Sony. Sony technology is here at your fingertips today, tribe, because we have three Sony digital videocameras here for each of you to pay tribute to the movies in the best way we know how – by making your own promotional video, essential to any true media whore. Whatever you film today will be stored on this hard drive, which you can take home with you. Our goal is to see Oscar-quality work. The next two hours are all yours. Go to it!
IceCat: Before you go, Aya, do you have a dime?
AyaProbe: Why, do you want to call home and tell your mother you’ll never be a lawyer? Phone calls are a quarter now, IceCat.
IceCat (repeating): Do you have a dime?
AyaProbe: Sure. Here. Don’t spend it all in one place.
…and AyaProbe leaves.
Outfrontgirl decides to show off her vocal talents by singing a song appropriate to AyaProbe’s story and her feelings about BlowsVivor. After she gets the camera set up so that it captures her full body when she is standing on top of a hillock, she begins:
“Showdown” -- Words and music by Jeff Lynne
She cried to the southern wind
‘Bout a love that was sure to end.
Every dream in her heart was gone.
Headin’ for a showdown.
Bad dreamer, what’s your name?
Looks like we’re ridin’ on the same train.
Looks as though there’ll be more pain.
There’s gonna be a showdown.
And it’s raining all over the world.
Raining all over the world.
Tonight – the longest night.
(sidelong glance at IceCat, who has now used the dime to remove the back of his camera and is poking around inside)
He came to me like a friend
He blew in on the southern wind.
Now my heart has turned to stone again.
There’s gonna be a showdown.
Save me, oh save me.
It’s unreal, the suffering.
There’s gonna be a showdown.
And it’s raining all over the world.
Raining all over the world.
Tonight – the longest night.
Raining all over the world.
Raining all over the world.
The longest night.
Meanwhile, RudyRules has decided that a promo video of SnoopySucks would be more fun than one of himself:
RudyRules: Come on girl, let’s see those tricks you can do!
SnoopySucks: Arrrrrooooooo…. (translation: “I want paid before I act on TV. Lassie got paid. Why not me? Call my agent before you decide to cast me next time.”)
And Outfrontgirl has moved on to her next song:
“Dreaming of 4000” – Words and music by Jeff Lynne
Saviour of the night came slowly on the silent river
And the lord of life came following, his sins to be forgiven
While the world sat back and laughed away the hours
Till the dawning of the daybreak
I heard them laugh I heard them cry
I saw them praying to the sky
I heard the wind howl in the trees
Down there on bended knee
And I see the light
But I know I must be dreaming
Feel the soul, quiet emotion
Sail on by, helpless devotion
If that's how it feels, it better be real
IceCat (interrupting): Don’t you know any happier songs?
Outfrontgirl: I don’t feel like singing them. I’m not sure that this has been a happy time. This is the way I feel today.
IceCat: Well, could you just sing something different? I’m trying to do delicate work here…
Outfrontgirl: You don’t get it, do you? One of us is out of here tomorrow. If I win immunity, and probably if you win, we’re the final two.
(Silence, as they both stare at each other.)
IceCat: Right. Who’s going to beat the boy and his dog in the final vote? Not either of us, after everything we’ve done.
Outfrontgirl: I voted out both of the other members of the Estrogen Alliance.
IceCat: I set sleeeve up.
Outfrontgirl: I know.
IceCat: You know?
Outfrontgirl: dangerkitty told me, just before we went to the last TC. That’s part of what makes you the perfect opponent. We’re like Kelly and Richard. And then there’s Rudy. Is there any ex-serviceman alliance between you two?
IceCat: If there was, why would I tell you?
Outfrontgirl is left speechless by this comment. Up until this point, she had thought of IceCat as her ally – the hunt for food, the hunt for RudyRules, the bond between RR and SS. But, as a Mastermind, she has suddenly concluded that she has been played for a sucker by her fellow Mastermind IceCat. Stung by this apparent confirmation of a Testosterone Alliance – confirmation by non-denial, as it were – she turns back to her camera and sings again:
“Most Likely You Go Your Way and I’ll Go Mine” – Words and music by Bob Dylan
You say you love me
And you're thinkin' of me,
But you know you could be wrong.
You say you told me
That you wanna hold me,
But you know you're not that strong.
I just can't do what I done before,
I just can't beg you any more.
I'm gonna let you pass
And I'll go last
Then time will tell just who fell
And who's been left behind,
When you go your way and I go mine.
You say you disturb me
And you don't deserve me,
But you know sometimes you lie.
You say you're shakin'
And you're always achin',
But you know how hard you try.
Sometimes it gets so hard to care,
It can't be this way ev'rywhere.
And I'm gonna let you pass,
Yes, and I'll go last.
Then time will tell just who fell
And who's been left behind,
When you go your way and I go mine.
The judge, he holds a grudge,
He's gonna call on you.
But he's badly built
And he walks on stilts,
Watch out he don't fall on you.
You say you're sorry
For tellin' stories
That you know I believe are true.
You say ya got some
Other kinda lover
And yes, I believe you do.
You say my kisses are not like his,
But this time I'm not gonna tell you why that is.
I'm just gonna let you pass,
Yes, and I'll go last.
Then time will tell who fell
And who's been left behind,
When you go your way and I go mine
AyaProbe (returning): Sorry, I had to cut the time a little short before we had to pay so much in song royalties that it bankrupted us. Outfrontgirl, looks like you’re going for the musical category Oscars.
Outfrontgirl: The Beatles won Oscars; why can’t I?
AyaProbe: Better hope GG isn’t one of the voters; he doesn’t remember them. IceCat, what Oscar are you going for? It doesn’t look like you filmed anything!
IceCat: I modified this camera for additional clarity, and I upgraded the lense using CATSCAN technology. If you’d given me some tools, I would put this baby up for a technical Oscar right now.
AyaProbe: Who cares about the technical Oscars? They get some second-rate hack to host them…
IceCat (interrupting): Ever hear of Frank Capra?
AyaProbe: OK, point well taken.
RudyRules: WHAT point?
AyaProbe: Frank Capra earned his degree in chemical engineering. He came out to Hollywood with a project to develop cameras or film that would give crisp pictures with lower light levels. The team developed a new camera lens, and Capra tested it out on the camera. He ended up becoming one of Hollywood’s most famous directors ever and received three Oscars during the 1930s. So IceCat’s point is that being technically minded doesn’t mean you aren’t creative too. And what about your promotional video, RudyRules?
RudyRules: Aw, it didn’t come out so good.
AyaProbe: Well, now it’s time to sacrifice the cameras to the gods of Hollywood.
IceCat: You can’t sacrifice my camera! I just got it modified!
AyaProbe: You should’ve asked about the rules. Remember, the only thing I said you got to keep was the hard drive. Here are three shovels. Time to bury them!
Outfrontgirl: But we’re hungry, and digging is hard work.
AyaProbe: Not measuring up to Rodger’s standard, are we, Outfrontgirl?
On that note, Outfrontgirl and IceCat took shovels in hand and dug a shallow – very shallow – trench to bury the camera. RudyRules never lifted a finger, because SnoopySucks dug a nice hole with almost no urging, put the camera in it as if it were a bone, and then covered it over.
Outfrontgirl: No fair! His luxury item is doing all the work!
AyaProbe: Nobody ever…
IceCat (interrupting): Shove it, Aya.
AyaProbe: Well, on that friendly note, I just need to inform you that the final Immunity Challenge will take place at Tribal Council tomorrow night. I’ll meet you there at the usual time. Enjoy your last day as a threesome tomorrow. IceCat, try not to think about food before then.
Later that night, as Outfrontgirl is cooking some more ‘soup’:
IceCat: Damn! I’m going to have to dig up that camera as soon as the game is over!
IceCat: There’s stuff in there that I never thought of before, and none of it is patented.
RudyRules: What about me sending SnoopySucks over to fetch it?
IceCat: Great idea, RR! Will she do it?
RudyRules: She will for me. But I need to ask you something first – are we still together until the end?
IceCat: I’ll never vote you off.
RudyRules: So, as long as one of us wins the last IC, we’re OK.
IceCat: You can count on me.
Still later that night, after a dark-water‘dinner’:
RudyRules: Here comes SnoopySucks. What does she have in her mouth? TWO cameras?
SnoopySucks brings the cameras up to the tribe.
IceCat: IT’S NOT HERE!
RudyRules: Snoop, be a good girl, and go back and get the other camera, would you?
SnoopySucks: whiiiiiiine… (accompanied by furious pawing at the ground)
RudyRules: IceCat, she says it wasn’t there.
Outfrontgirl: Maybe one of your coyotes dug it up.
IceCat: I HATE coyotes!
<Interlude: AyaProbe returns to MB’s offices.Day 38
MB: So how did it go?
AyaProbe: I need to get something to diamond right away!
AyaProbe: From the Spoilers Board. I need to see about patenting this technology before the game ends.
MB: This had better be worth it.
AyaProbe: IceCat said that, if he used this technology from space on your next show, he could see the pimples on Lindsey Richter’s butt.
MB: We’d better have someone hand-carry it to diamond. mistofleas, are you busy right now?
misto: No, my lord.
MB: Could you hop on your broom and get this to diamond right away?
misto: Yes, my lord. (misto leaves)
MB: Aya, did you tell everyone about your little vacation at the end of BV?
AyaProbe: Yes, Mark. Where do you think I should go?
MB: Pick somewhere nice. I’ll book your ticket. I’ve got some good deals with the airline companies.
AyaProbe: OK, Mark. Thanks again.
MB: No thanks are needed.>
IceCat (confessional): Today’s a tense day. Everyone knows it all comes down to this. Lose and you could go home.
Outfrontgirl (confessional): You don’t think two days of not eating could have such an effect on you. But we’re all tired and lethargic today. We’re saving all of our energy for tonight.
RudyRules (confessional): My only problem is if Outfrontgirl wins. But I’m pretty sure that IceCat knows more about these people than anyone does, even her.
IceCat (confessional): All I’ve done for two days is drink water. I went fishing today, and I couldn’t even catch any of the mutants that Survivorerist was bringing in. It’s pretty depressing.
Outfrontgirl (confessional): In two straight Survivors, the cook has finished third. I’m going to end that streak tonight.
RudyRules (confessional): I’ve done all I can. I’ve been a member of both tribes, and everyone seems to like both me and Snoop. I’ve tried to be the nicest person possible. If I make the finals, I think I could win 7-0, like on Survivor UK. I know that IceCat is a man of his word, just like me.
IceCat (confessional): I’ve never been tempted for a moment to break my pledge to RudyRules. I would never vote him out of the tribe. And I’m sure he wouldn’t break his pledge to me.
The tribe marches out of camp for the next–to-last time … and we fade to Tribal Council, with the glowing green sludge piles in the foreground, as the Final Three file in.
AyaProbe: Welcome to your last Immunity Challenge and your last Tribal Council. This is the final time we’ll be meeting in this format, when those of you still in the tribe and I are the only ones talking. The next time we gather here, the jury, which will be joined by one of you tonight, will be asking the questions, and one of the three of you will walk out of here with the title of Ultimate BlowsVivor. Let’s bring in the jury, so that they can witness this final proceeding.
Jurors file in. dangerkitty leads the way and looks like she’s recovered some of her feistiness, and IceCat smiles at her. George Tirebiter clearly looks unhappy. Mon Cherie and Survivorchick walk in talking to each other and ignore the three players left. Survivorerist waves to everyone. sleeeve slinks in last, stealing glances at dangerkitty, while sizing up the players left in the game.
AyaProbe: Outfrontgirl, how does it feel to be the last woman left?
Outfrontgirl: For all of the comments about the ways women bond together against men, I think it’s still much easier for men to bond together against women, especially if the men have some kind of shared bond like military service. (glaring at both of the other two)
AyaProbe: IceCat, you’re a Mastermind, do you agree with that?
IceCat: I don’t think gender is a huge factor in alliances. I think personality type determines it. Two people with tendencies toward manipulating others would make a poor alliance. (glaring at Outfrontgirl)
AyaProbe: RudyRules, any regrets about your actions so far on the show?
RudyRules: No. It’s gone just about the way that I planned it. I’m happy to be here, and I’ve had the best time of my life. But I was never in the military, I’m not Canadian, I’m not Quebecois, and I’m not an old man. Isn’t anybody going to get my story right?
AyaProbe: Outfrontgirl, have you had the best time of your life here?
AyaProbe: How about you, IceCat?
AyaProbe: Well, let’s get right to the final Immunity Challenge and make this a great day for at least one of you. We call this challenge “Flamed Comrades”. And here’s how it goes.
IceCat: We already know. We answer trivia questions about the other players. Most correct answers wins immunity.
AyaProbe: That’s part of it. Your friends at Duraflame Fire Logs and Zippo Lighters have collaborated with us to make Flamed Comrades a challenge unique to BlowsVivor. Here are the rules – unless you don’t want to know how to play, IceCat….
AyaProbe: OK then, this is how it goes. You will be asked ten questions about other participants in BlowsVivor. Each correct answer wins you a Duraflame firelog, which I will put in a pile over here – one pile for each of you. Therefore, each of you can have up to ten fire logs in your pile. After we finish answering all the questions, I will say “Go”, and each of you will race over here, pick up his or her Zippo lighter, and then pick up an envelope of headshots of the thirteen booted BlowsVivors. The headshots are printed on special flame-resistant paper. You will need to burn the entire envelope full of shots down to ashes to win. First person with nothing left but cinders wins Immunity. Each of you gets to keep your Zippo lighters, which have a special BlowsVivor crest on them and light first time, every time. Any questions?
Outfrontgirl: Can we open the envelopes?
AyaProbe: You may do anything with the envelopes and the pictures within them that you wish, as long as you burn them to ashes. Clear? Any other questions before we start? No? Then pick up your pads, and here we go.
AyaProbe: Question #1: Who was the biggest bitch in BlowsVivor?
AyaProbe: Outfrontgirl and RudyRules correctly answered “SnoopySucks” and each get one firelog. IceCat, you have none. Question #2: Which BlowsVivor player almost singlehandedly won the smoke signal challenge for his or her tribe?
AyaProbe: Outfrontgirl had the only correct answer – George Tirebiter, from back during the second episode. So, right now, it’s one log for RudyRules, two for Outfrontgirl, and none for IceCat. Question #3: Which BlowsVivor player told the story of being naked on the couch as a makeout move – when the intended makeout partner came home with an entire group of coworkers, who had been spontaneously invited to dinner?
AyaProbe: IceCat is the only one of you who knew that it was Survivorchick, waiting for her boyfriend while naked.
Outfrontgirl: Boyfriend? (looks quizzically at the jury box)
AyaProbe: Boyfriend. Strategy is everything in Blowsvivor, Outfrontgirl. Of course, not all strategies work. Two logs for Outfrontgirl, one each for the others. Question #4: Which BlowsVivor was currently reading James Joyce’s “Ulysses” before joining the cast?
AyaProbe: Outfrontgirl has the only correct answer, PepeLePew13.
IceCat (to Outfrontgirl): But you talk about Joyce all the time!
AyaProbe: Cool it, Cat. Three logs for Outfrontgirl. Question #5: Who killed Lamber?
AyaProbe: All correct. It was Survivorerist. Question #6: Which contestant poured a bottle of wine in someone’s lap after being hugged too much?
(writing; GT breaks into a rare smile on the jury)
AyaProbe: Sorry, all of you, it was Dalton, on a plane sitting next to a famous actor. Four logs for Outfrontgirl, two for RudyRules, two for IceCat. Question #7: Which contestant won the Magic Fingers Balancing challenge?
AyaProbe: Again, Outfrontgirl had the only correct answer, MonCherie. Five logs for Outfrontgirl, two each for the others.
Cut to a close-up of a worried-looking RudyRules, who then takes a look at IceCat … but IceCat looks positively calm. In fact, he’s so calm he’s almost catatonic. RudyRules looks puzzled.
AyaProbe: Question #8: This would be the right contestant to ask if you wanted to know about Silk Stalkings.
AyaProbe: Outfrontgirl and IceCat had the correct answer, dangerkitty. RudyRules, we were talking about the TV show, not stockings.
RudyRules: Oh. I should’ve asked for spelling.
AyaProbe: This isn’t a spelling bee. Six for Outfrontgirl, three for IceCat, two for RudyRules. Question #9: This person described his pre-game strategy as “cheat, backstab, and lie.”
AyaProbe: The answer is Superman, and RudyRules is the only one who has that. Question #10: This contestant listed hot wings as favorite food.
(two write, but – at this mention of food – IceCat drops his pencil and keels forward, narrowly missing a face-first Skupin. He picks himself up, covered with cinders, and looks down toward his midsection…)
IceCat: I got a fire in my willie!
IceCat drops and rolls, and the fire goes out.
AyaProbe: IceCat, are you all right?
AyaProbe: But the show must go on. None of you wrote down the correct answer, which is VampKira.
Outfrontgirl: I thought she was a vampire!
AyaProbe: Once again, strategy is everything, Outfrontgirl. You ended up with six logs, and the two men each have three. Everyone ready? GO!
At the shouted word, each of the contestants raced toward the firelogs. Outfrontgirl was the first to get her fire burning, but she found out that the heavy flame-resistant paper used in the headshots was too tough for her to tear apart – so she had to burn the pictures whole. RudyRules, after watching her, decided to try ripping his pictures up as well – and he succeeded in taking the early lead, despite his firelog deficit. However, in his effort to keep ripping, he forgot to burn the ripped-apart pieces until it was too late. IceCat never seemed to recover from his near mishap and barely got his first picture burned as Outfrontgirl was finishing her thirteenth and last one.
AyaProbe: Outfrontgirl, you have prevailed in the Flamed Comrades challenge. Here is your symbol of immunity (hands over the condom necklace). Wear it proudly, because today that necklace puts you in the drivers’ seat. IceCat can only vote for RudyRules. RudyRules can only vote for IceCat.
IceCat: I’d never vote for RudyRules!
RudyRules: I’d never vote for IceCat!
AyaProbe: Fine, have it your way. You’d vote for yourselves. Anyway, Outfrontgirl, there would be a tie. Your vote would break the tie. Therefore, only you get to vote.
Outfrontgirl walks to the voting area. Then she returns. AyaProbe goes to collect the vote.
AyaProbe: And the final member of the jury is … RudyRules. Rudy, bring me your headshot. (headshot disappears into the flames) RudyRules, the tribe has spoken; we’ll see you tomorrow night.
Outfrontgirl: What about SnoopySucks?
At the mention of her name, SnoopySucks stands up, looks at Outfrontgirl and wags her tail, looks at IceCat and … runs straight after RudyRules, across the walk of shame.
SnoopySucks: Ruff! Ruff! (translation: “That cat looks hungry enough to eat a dog. I know where I’m safe.”)
AyaProbe: And then there were two. IceCat, Outfrontgirl, have a good night’s sleep. Tomorrow, you need to clean up the camp, and then we’ll meet back here tomorrow night to determine the Ultimate BlowsVivor.
Final Words from RudyRules: Damn, I knew I had this thing in the bag. What went wrong? I’ve never seen IceCat like that. He didn’t look that weak from hunger today. Oh well, I wanted to win, but this was still a great experience. I just wish I got to stick around one more day. I still think I would have won by at least 6-1.
And …Part 2: “The Trial”Day 39
Outfrontgirl (while voting): I’m glad I was able to bust up the boys’ final two pact. RudyRules, I’m certain to lose against you if I took you to the finals. I can’t afford to lose through my own failure to recognize you as a threat. I know you’re an enemy on the jury, but perhaps I have enough friends to overcome you.
As the day rises, we see the weary contestants piling up their pathetic few remaining belongings.
IceCat (confessional voice-over): So, here it is. One BB, one AA. One man, one woman. It didn’t have to be this way. I tried to protect Survivorerist so that we could form a final-three pact, but Outfrontgirl stumbled into breaking that one up, and then she kicked off RudyRules last night… That’s two votes on the jury that I expect will side with me, and the magic number is four. I’m sure sleeeve will vote for Outfrontgirl after I tricked him into betraying the AAs. But I don’t have any idea how the other four will vote.
Outfrontgirl (confessional voice-over): I never thought I’d still be here. I thought it would be a few laughs, and then I’d be gone. It didn’t work out like that. Somewhere we all crossed the line, and it wasn’t a game anymore. I’ve tried to stick up for what I believe in – but maybe I betrayed some of my friends along the way. I know I feel betrayed by others. I didn’t think that you could reach the final two and still feel scarred by the whole experience.
IceCat (confessional voice-over): I didn’t want to be part of this game, period. I knew people could get hurt. I’ve tried to escape it, but now that it’s almost over, of course I want to win. I’ve had a lot of fun here. But there has been some hurt too, and there are still a lot of things I don’t understand about this whole experience.
Outfrontgirl (confessional voice-over): I’ll be happy tonight, win or lose. But I’d still like some answers.
The last two DAWs pile the last few items together. Then:
Outfrontgirl (yelling): Hey, IceCat, come look at this!
IceCat: Well, I’ll be …
The object that both Outfrontgirl and IceCat were viewing was a small package covered in gift wrap, with a bow on the top.
IceCat: Where was this?
Outfrontgirl: Underneath the remaining drug paraphernalia. Last place I would have looked, since Aya took our stash.
Outfrontgirl opens the package. Inside, wrapped in a large sheet of paper, are three packages of Hostess cupcakes.
Outfrontgirl: Yuck, recycled simulated food.
IceCat: Hey, they’re edible, and I’m hungry. (grabs and opens first package) Does the paper have a note on it?
Outfrontgirl: I haven’t looked … Yes, it does – a poem:
To leave you with nothing
Would be oh so crude,
And so we provided
Some bomb-shelter food.
Enjoy the white sugar
And nameless white fluff.
For when you get hungry,
You’ll think it’s good stuff.
Damn, they took our food to work in another product placement? That just sucks … They must have left this when they swiped the food, because the third package would have been for RudyRules. What’s wrong with this game?
IceCat: BlowsVivor is no longer just a game.
Outfrontgirl: I was thinking the same thing.
IceCat: Do you want to split the third package?
Outfrontgirl: No, it’s all yours. I wouldn’t even eat one of these if I wasn’t so hungry.
IceCat: So, the poem says it all. Enjoy!
Later, staring at the pile.
IceCat: This is the way BlowsVivor ends, not with a bang, but a flame.
Outfrontgirl: Well, it should. After all, shakes started the game, and he was the king of flames.
IceCat: Do you want to do the honors?
Outfrontgirl: Let’s do it together. Got your lighter?
IceCat: Right here. (holds out lighter)
Outfrontgirl: Then let’s go. Flame ON!
Outfrontgirl and IceCat walk from place to place, lighting the pile. This being California and all, you might have expected that burning the leftover camp would lead to a brush fire … but the pile was well-made, the winds were low, and the flames confined themselves to the gear, in a breathtaking pyrotechnical display rivaling all of the special effects used up during the prior shows.
Outfrontgirl (confessional): There are so many beautiful places in California. This isn’t one of them. But when the fire was burning full, and the green glow in the distance … it seemed pretty much like it could have been home. (eyes fill with tears) Despite everything that’s happened, I’m going to miss this place.
IceCat (confessional): I never thought I’d be sentimental about this game ending. All I ever wanted was for it to be over, or for me to be out of it. So I’m not sure (voice cracks) .. sure why I felt the way I did when I saw the flames rise. I guess it means a chapter of my life is over.
Outfrontgirl (confessional): There are so many unknowns with the jury. My former tribe has 4 of the 7, but RudyRules is sure to vote for IceCat. Even if Survivorchick, sleeeve, and dangerkitty all vote for me, I still need to get a vote from one of the BBs: Survivorerist, MonCherie, or GT … and I voted GT off. Has there been any black widow imagery in this show?
IceCat (confessional): This is so hard to spoil. I’m starting with a 2-1 lead, but I don’t know much about how Survivorchick and MonCherie thought before they were gone. Geez, you’d think that if they left because of disaster, they wouldn’t get to come back and vote … but I think Survivorchick liked me – that whole Canadian experience in common. I AM CANADIAN! … you know, like in the ads. And MonCherie was in my tribe. All I need are two votes, any two. Or GT could be the key: will she think of herself at Outfrontgirl’s friend or Outfrontgirl’s victim? And then there’s the whole cat thing with dangerkitty … though she may feel so grateful for Outfrontgirl’s brew that she crosses species lines … bwa-ha-ha-ha … I need water and oxygen … I need water and oxygen …
Dissolve … back to the picture of Outfrontgirl and IceCat standing in front of the flames, staring, both consumed by their thoughts.
Outfrontgirl: The next time we see a fire like that, it’s going to be for all the marbles.
IceCat: Marbles? I thought we were playing for Ultimate BlowsVivor!
Outfrontgirl looks hard at IceCat as a big grin spreads across his face. Suddenly, she grabs a handful of sleeeve’s gun-shot playing cards, slightly smoking, from the pile and throws them at IceCat.
Outfrontgirl: Why … you … you …
IceCat: Me cat. And you missed!
And IceCat takes off running, racing around the campgrounds and laughing, while Outfrontgirl, also laughing, chases him and wings smouldering playing cards in his direction. The camera follows them for a few moments, then pans back to the flames … which dissolve into the fire at … Tribal Council.
Outfrontgirl leads the way into TC, with IceCat following close on her heels. The jury is already seated, awaiting their arrival. Most of the jurors have their faces blank and impassive, except for Survivorerist, whose smile is so broad that you would have thought Amber had just invited him to see her bedsheets.
AyaProbe: Welcome. You two – Outfrontgirl and IceCat – represent the remainder of the DAW Tribe. Tonight, one of you will leave here with the title of Ultimate BlowsVivor. For our final Tribal Council, we change the format. Instead of you doing the voting for someone to leave the tribe, tonight the jury will vote for one of you as the winner. Do you have any questions before we begin?
AyaProbe: Well, as you all know, BlowsVivor has tried hard to give everyone an equal chance to win. We don’t want any repetitions of the tongue-tied impression of the Sphinx that Colby played during the finale of Survivor Australia. Can you believe that someone would tell the jury that he didn’t have anything more to say when he was asked to wrap up? So, to keep that from happening in BlowsVivor, we have decided to assign each of the contestants a lawyer to help them navigate this final trial.
Outfrontgirl (dazed): A lawyer? But, Aya …
AyaProbe: Sorry, Outfrontgirl, but I already asked for questions, and you didn’t have any. We selected crack members of the SB community to serve as your legal eagles, and each of you gets to pick one name from this authentic Mexican sombrero, provided to us tonight by the NAFTA Trucking Federation, bringing great products to your door from Mexico 24 hours a day, except when blocked by those arrogant Teamsters. IceCat, we flipped a coin before you got here, and you won the right to first choice. Reach in.
IceCat picks a slip of paper out of the sombrero and hands it to AyaProbe.
AyaProbe: IceCat, your lawyer for tonight’s trial will be … Dalton!
(Dalton walks out of the background shadows. George Tirebiter smiles at her. Outfrontgirl’s features slip….)
Outfrontgirl: But, Aya, she was a player in this game! She has friends …
AyaProbe: Outfrontgirl, BlowsVivor is not just a game anymore, and we’re all but poor players in it. You get a lawyer, too, Outfrontgirl. Pick a slip of paper.
Outfrontgirl picks a slip of paper out of the sombrero and hands it to AyaProbe. There are still several slips of paper left in the hat.
AyaProbe: Outfrontgirl, your lawyer for tonight’s trial will be … shakes the clown!
(shakes walks out of the background shadows. Several soft hisses are heard. Outfrontgirl struggles for words, but IceCat finds them first….)
IceCat: shakes, we thought you were dead. We thought desert_rhino blew you up!
shakes: Yeah, you thought lots of things. You thought I wouldn’t put you in this game, didn’t you? Well, you were wrong then and wrong now. Hey, what’s changed while I’ve been gone? Not much. You are still all wannabe media whores compared to me.
You might be thinking that you’re free.
You might be sailing ‘cross the sea.
You might be staring at the stars.
But you’ll be thinking
Outfrontgirl (softly): I’m doomed.
IceCat (softly, to her): We’re all doomed.
AyaProbe (donning black judge’s robe): Let’s get started. Each player gets an opening statement. Ms. Dalton, your side goes first.
IceCat: Don’t I get to say anything?
AyaProbe (banging on a boulder with a worn wooden gavel): Silence! Mr. Cat, you may address this court through your lawyer. One more outburst like that, and I’ll hold you in contempt of court! (Pauses – IceCat looks away) Ms. Dalton, you have the floor.
Dalton: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I ask you to consider in your hearts the question of who played BlowsVivor the best. On the one hand, we have Ms. Girl. She formed an alliance early within her tribe. Then she collaborated with the enemies of that alliance to vote out its leader – me. Later, she formed an alliance with the other women remaining in her tribe. They had the majority, and they could have formed the final three. Instead, she collaborated with the sworn enemies of all women – men – and voted out the other two members of her gender. A heinous act, as any woman would know! (pauses, smiles at the women on the jury; GT smiles back.) On the other hand, we have my client, Mr. Cat. Forced into this game against his will, Mr. Cat first tried to escape from its clutches. After the great and tragic disaster in episode 8 (pauses for effect, makes eye contact with Survivorchick and MonCherie), he decided that he would remain in the game but remain true to his principles. (camera close-up of sleeeve, looking mulish) I ask you to consider how much better Mr. Cat played the game than Ms. Girl, and I ask you to reward his superior effort with your vote … for IceCat … as the Ultimate BlowsVivor. (returns to her seat)
AyaProbe: Mr. shakes?
shakes: Yes, your honor?
AyaProbe: Are you ready for your opening statement?
shakes: Oh, you want that now? Can’t I show these video clips of “Love Cruise” first?
AyaProbe: The court is waiting, Mr. shakes.
shakes: OK, Aya. (mutters) You Nazi wannabe. (in normal voice) Media whores of the jury, I knew this was going to happen to you. Hah! I knew it all the time. You’d all end up here, sad and beaten down by this game. Losers! We real-life media whores know how to take it in stride when someone says that you’re the fat one.
AyaProbe: Excuse me, Mr. shakes, but did Ms. Girl call one of the other contestants fat?
shakes: No, some nimrod from the Baltimore paper called ME fat!
AyaProbe: But how does this help your client’s case?
shakes: Hey, Aya, you hired me as her lawyer. Let me try this case my way, please. (mutters) God complex. (in normal voice) Look, a lot of things were said and done during the course of this game. Heck, I did a bunch of them for you and a bunch of them to you. But the fact is … getting this far and not ending up on Loser Island – I mean, really, who would think that he was a loser if he got to spend an all-expenses-paid vacation on Aruba with a lot of loose women? Anyway, he point is that my client had to be the best player or she wouldn’t have gotten this far. Well, that’s not quite right – I mean, IceCat got this far, and he wasn’t the best player – but you know what I mean. Please support my client … who is that again? Oh yeah, Outfrontgirl … well, please vote for her in this final vote. Thank you.
(Outfrontgirl hides her face in her hands. IceCat looks embarrassed. AyaProbe looks off into space.)
AyaProbe: Thank you, Mr. shakes, I think. It’s now time to let the jurors ask their questions. We’ll begin with the most recent addition to the jury, RudyRules, and then go back to the beginning, with Survivorchick and Mon Cherie, then progress up through the boots to dangerkitty. OK? RudyRules, it’s your turn.
RudyRules: Thank you, Aya. First, I’d like to tell everyone that Aya and I showed some clips from the last couple of days to Hartz Mountain, and I think SnoopySucks and I are about to sign a long-term endorsement contract for rawhide chew sticks. (everyone applauds) I’d just like to ask each of the finalists what his or her favorite experience was on the show.
AyaProbe: Mr. shakes, you start this round, then we alternate.
shakes: My client didn’t like anything about being trapped in this hellhole once I left the show. Her favorite experience? Sleeping with me.
Dalton: Mr. Cat loved all of the new friends he made through his participation in BlowsVivor. He thinks of all of you as his friends. The fun that he had meeting all of you will be permanently etched in his memory, but his favorite experience probably is yet to come: the fun of doing things with all of you afterward.
RudyRules: Ms. Dalton, that’s not the way you normally talk on the boards.
Dalton: Normally I’m not representing a client on the boards. I know how to behave appropriately for different situations, even if the BlowsVivor writers never figured that out. Some people never get the hang of it. (takes a quick “stage peek” at shakes, designed for all to notice – and they do)
AyaProbe: Ms. Chick.
Survivorchick: I just want to say first off that I enjoyed the whole “pretending-to-be-a-lesbian” experience, but I wouldn’t want to do it again. My question for both of you is this: how will being named the Ultimate BlowsVivor change your life?
Dalton: Mr. Cat very much would like to be named the Ultimate BlowsVivor, but whether he is or isn’t, he intends to continue to provide the same level of friendship to all of you that he has in the past. If any of you need an animated sig pic, you know who to call. (at these last words, Survivorchick smiles)
shakes: My client couldn’t care less about being named the Ultimate BlowsVivor. Now if she were to be the Ultimate ShakesVivor, that would be very different. (at these last words, Survivorchick frowns, Outfrontgirl groans, and IceCat looks like he’s about to say something … but then stops)
AyaProbe: Ms. Cherie.
MonCherie: Thank you, Aya. Mr. shakes, I think some of us here don’t appreciate what you’re doing right now. My question for both of you is this: what, if anything, would you do differently if you had BlowsVivor to do over again?
shakes: I wouldn’t do anything differently. I like the way it came out.
AyaProbe: Mr. shakes, I think the question was directed to your client.
shakes: Oh, she wouldn’t do anything differently either. I mean, she got to the final two, didn’t she?
AyaProbe: Come off it. Mr. shakes. In a lying, backstabbing game like this, everybody has at least a moment or two that she or he regrets … well, unless he is the kind of amoral media whore who thinks nothing of sleeping with his mother, that is. Why don’t you consult with your client before you answer the question?
shakes: You come off it, Aya. You don’t know everything. We answered the question. It’s Ms. Dalton’s turn.
Dalton: Mr. Cat is embarrassed about several of the things that happened during the game. Had he realized just how difficult things were going to get, he would have insisted on being removed back at the beginning. He did the best job that he could do without compromising his morals completely … but the number one thing that he’d like to do over again is the revolt in the last episode before the merger. It wasn’t fair to any of you to put you all in that position just to further Mr. Cat’s objective of getting off the show. (several jurors nod their heads in unison)
AyaProbe: Mr. sleeeve.
sleeeve: Thank you, Mr. Probe. I’d like to ask how hearing what the lawyers have to say, instead of their clients, is supposed to help us make up our minds how to vote.
Dalton: We are speaking on behalf of our clients. A client who can’t control his or her own lawyer shouldn’t be the winner of a prestigious title like Ultimate BlowsVivor.
shakes: Don’t tease us, sleeeeeeevie boy, we all know that you figured out how you were going to vote back in your trailer before even marching out here. It doesn’t matter what I say, because I can’t change any of your votes. I’m just going to have some fun at your expense while I’m doing it. If you don’t like it, tough.
AyaProbe: Mr. Erist.
Survivorerist: Thanks. You’re all my friends, and I’d just like to ask each of you to pick one thing that you like best about Amber, and I’d prefer it if Ms. Dalton went first.
AyaProbe: We can reverse the order this time. Ms. Dalton, you may respond.
Dalton: Her friendly personality.
shakes: Her incredible shrinking boobs as she lost weight. If they hadn’t voted her off nine days before the end, she wouldn’t have needed to wear a bikini top on the last few days. Another argument in favor of Tina’s “enhancements.” Wonder what Tina was trading to Colby in return for his loyalty, huh? Bet they had their sleeping bags right next to each other!
AyaProbe: Ms. Tirebiter.
George Tirebiter (shakily): I just have a few things I wanted to say. I didn’t ask to be in this game. When I was picked, I went along with it because I’ve always tried to be a good sport. I know I’ve created some conflicts over the course of this game. But I’ve always just tried to be myself. It’s been horrible being with the other jurors since I was voted out. I’m sorry if I created problems; I didn’t realize… (pauses, resumes unsteadily) I feel very cut off from the rest of you. (long pause)
shakes: Now you know what it feels like to be a real media whore.
IceCat: This has gone far enough. I don’t want to win this way.
AyaProbe: Mr. Cat, you’re out of order. I warned you…
IceCat: Have you already forgotten Colleen’s motto, Aya? “Play fair, be nice?” This isn’t playing fair or being nice. Let us speak for ourselves! We’re the ones who fought and struggled to get this far! Don’t let someone’s chances be sabotaged because she has a clown for a lawyer!
shakes: See there, kitty cat? No one …
AyaProbe: Can it, shakes. IceCat, you’re right. Dalton, shakes, you are both excused; please leave this courtroom.
shakes: Courtroom? Courtroom? Hate to break it to you, old man, but you’re just a spoiled little boy beating on rocks with his hammer.
AyaProbe: BAILIFF! Please remove the clown!
Swooping in from the side comes the bailiff … Superman.
Superman: So, you wanna play, huh, shakes? How about a TTL challenge?
Superman: Too late, big nose. Come along with me – NOW! (grabs shakes by the scruff of the neck and drags him off into the darkness)
Dalton: I’m leaving! (whispers to IceCat) Good luck, kid. (walks off set)
AyaProbe (taking off robe): OK, let’s start again. GT, would you care to resume?
George Tirebiter: I’ve said everything I wanted to say.
dangerkitty: I know you each would like to get my vote. Please tell me, in just a few words, why I should vote for you.
AyaProbe: I think it’s IceCat’s turn.
IceCat: Well, other than the fact that we’re both felines, you should vote for me because I played the game the best. After I wasn’t able to break out of the set, I controlled the events that took place right down to the end, and no one else knew it. If that isn’t enough reason to vote for me, then I don’t know what would be enough.
Outfrontgirl: With all due respect to IceCat, I think I played the game the best. I may not have had any solid alliances, but I won the last two immunity challenges to stay alive, so I proved that I could come through when the pressure was on. At the same time, I didn’t set anyone up to try to stab you in the back. (looks at sleeeve; dangerkitty’s eyes follow hers; sleeeve looks at the ground and turns red)
AyaProbe: Last words to the jury. Outfrontgirl, you go first.
Outfrontgirl: I don’t know what to say to convince you to vote for me. To be honest, I don’t care whether you do or don’t. Sure I’d like to be the Ultimate BlowsVivor, but what’s most important is that I have friends in this group who care about me. I thought that IceCat just did a wonderful thing for me, and I’m honored that he – and all the rest of you – are my friends. Even shakes is my friend, though he has a strange way of acknowledging friendship sometimes. IceCat, I just want to say thanks for what you just did. (leans over and gives IceCat a hug) But I still have to point out that, in the very first challenge of BlowsVivor, I was matched up against IceCat in a pie-eating contest and tricked him into lapping up a saucer of milk instead of eating the pie. That kind of ingenuity shows that I’ve been playing the game to the best of my abilities right from the start. I know what it takes to win, and I think – if you look at the facts – you’ll vote for me.
IceCat: Outfrontgirl, your hug and your kind words mean a lot to me. I really don’t care if I win either. I feel very honored to be one of the final two people remaining from a group as distinguished as the sixteen of us who started in this game. I hope that you do vote for me, because I do think that I played the game the best. No one else did a better combined effort at all of the different elements of the game: winning challenges, making alliances, and planning strategy. That’s why I’m still here, even though I made myself a target early on, when I wanted out of this. But … some things are more important than winning. Something like this TC reminds me how lucky I am to be part of this group. If you vote for me, thanks, and if you don’t, thanks for still being my friend. But I would like you to remember that I was the one who controlled events throughout the game, even though my tribe was at a disadvantage due to Superman’s ouster just after the merge. All but one of you who are sitting on the jury right now are there because I wanted you to be out of the tribe. It’s never happened in U.S. Survivor that someone from the minority tribe after merge made the finals … but I did it in BlowsVivor. Please take that into account when you vote, and I know that you’ll vote for me.
AyaProbe: OK, time to vote. Same order. RudyRules, you’re up.
(RudyRules walks to the voting area)
RudyRules: IceCat, that was a very noble thing you did there. You were going to get my vote anyway, but I just want you to know that I’m honored to have been your ally.
(Survivorchick walks to the voting area)
Survivorchick: My vote is for IceCat. Outfrontgirl seems to be perfectly nice, but she should have spoken up before the clown ran all over her. IceCat came to her rescue. And he’s Canadian, and we Canadians have to stick together against these damn Yankees!
(MonCherie walks to the voting area; she hesitates with the pen in her hand, then she walks back)
(sleeeve walks to the voting area)
sleeeve: Outfrontgirl, in my opinion you really did play the game the best. You get my vote. I’m sorry for double-crossing you and dangerkitty. I’m glad to be friends with both you and with IceCat, and I hope we’ll always stay friends.
(Survivorerist walks to the voting area, then walks back)
(George Tirebiter walks to the voting area)
George Tirebiter: I voted for Outfrontgirl. Even if she did vote me off, she’s like my sister. Strategy is one thing, but I’d rather see her as the winner, much as I like and admire my old tribemate IceCat.
(dangerkitty walks to the voting area, then walks back)
AyaProbe: No lockbox, we’re going to tally the votes now. (walks to voting area, brings back container) Here we go:
That’s two for Outfrontgirl, and two for IceCat. The first one to get four votes wins. The next vote is for:
IceCat: I need water and oxygen.
AyaProbe: I don’t have either of those. Would you settle for a Hostess Twinkie instead?
IceCat takes the Twinkie from AyaProbe and greedily stuffs it into his mouth. Outfrontgirl wrinkles her nose.
Outfrontgirl: That stuff will kill you.
AyaProbe: So will this set. I recommend you come back here with a Geiger counter sometime. Those clicking noises could be percussion … or a herd of locusts … or …
Outfrontgirl: Could we get back to the vote counting, please?
AyaProbe: If you wish. We managed to get our last product placement in, so I’m ready to restart now. The sixth vote is for:
That’s three votes for Outfrontgirl, and three votes for IceCat. The next vote will decide the title of Ultimate BlowsVivor.
IceCat: Good luck, Outfrontgirl.
Outfrontgirl: Good luck, IceCat.
Suddenly appearing through the walkway is Mark Burnit.
MB: Hold on a moment, Aya. We’ve got a problem.
MB: The PBT just posted who wins BlowsVivor on their Web site.
AyaProbe: But we don’t even know who wins BlowsVivor yet. Anyway, who are the PBT?
MB: Parenthesiiis (Brain Trust). Some new group trying to steal our secrets.
AyaProbe: How could they possibly know?
MB: I don’t know. There’s probably a leak somewhere.
AyaProbe: Other than the leak of the contaminated water into the Los Angeles Aqueduct, I haven’t been able to find any other leaks around here.
MB: Well, do you want to know the winner?
AyaProbe: Won’t I find out in just a minute, if we can start filming again?
MB: OK, suit yourself… (walks off)
AyaProbe: And the last vote goes to … Outfrontgirl. Outfrontgirl is the winner of the first … and only … BlowsVivor.
IceCat stands and leads the applause for Outfrontgirl as it sinks in that she won.
AyaProbe: Congratulations, Outfrontgirl.
MB: Hey, that’s not right. The PBT said that IceCat won.
AyaProbe: So what? I have the real votes right here!
MB: Yeah, but all of North America is going to be expecting IceCat to win. The Canadians will be up in arms. Could we have co-winners?
MB: Suit yourself, Aya. I’ll just forward the complaints to you. Better practice your French for your trip to Ottawa when we get investigated.
AyaProbe: I won’t need French unless I have to go to Hull or Gatineau in the Capital Region.
MB: Whatever. I knew I was right in limiting the contestants in Survivor to Americans. (walks off again)
AyaProbe: Congratulations again, Outfrontgirl.
Outfrontgirl: Thanks, Aya. I’m glad that I won. But for some reason I don’t feel any glory after conquering this game. I’m more glad that it’s over.
IceCat: I feel the same way. I’m sure this is an experience I’ll never forget, but it’s one I’ll never go through again, either.
AyaProbe: Once again, the winner of BlowsVivor – the Ultimate BlowsVivor – is Outfrontgirl. IceCat, you are the new #2, and now you know who is #1.
IceCat: Only in the game. There are still answers I’ve never gotten.
AyaProbe: Well, here’s one of them. Let’s show the final three votes:
dangerkitty: IceCat, sleeeve told me all about how you set him up. I understand your motivation, but it broke my heart. The first thing I did after the drug haze wore off was beat sleeeve up for his vote. He got beaten up the old-fashioned way; he earned it. Anyway, I think you two have played the game about equally well, and I hate to vote against either of you, but IF I have to vote for one of you … I vote for Outfrontgirl. Good luck, sister.
Survivorerist: This is a no-brainer. IceCat was part of my tribe, and he tried his darnedest to keep me around. Ice, hope you win. If you do, do you think we could go over to Amber’s house together?
MonCherie: What a tough choice. I love IceCat. He’s simply one of my favorite people in the tribe. And I don’t like what happened to me in the game. I don’t know if it’s true or not, IceCat, but sleeeve says he thinks you helped desert_rhino get in to the BlowsVivor set so that he could set up the explosives. If you did, I can’t vote for you. And I trust sleeeve. He’s such a nice guy. Too bad he only has eyes for dangerkitty. Anyway, I’m voting for Outfrontgirl.
AyaProbe: This is AyaProbe, for the SeeBS television network, reminding you that Outfrontgirl will be on … aw heck, I’m not sure what she’s going to be on, but she’ll be around somewhere celebrating the glory from her conquest of BlowsVivor.Epilogue
Outfrontgirl: What glory?
AyaProbe (hissing): The glory that all the sponsors want you to express in the final camera shot for the show, Outfrontgirl!
Outfrontgirl: Oh! (flashes a big smile to the camera) This is better than being on the Hog Farm!
AyaProbe (sighing): Is that the best you can do? All right, cut and print it, that’s a wrap, and cue the end credits…
MB (returning from off-stage): Not so fast, Aya. Time for a second trial, with a new jury.
MB: Bring in the jury!
At those words, a whole series of people file in to the Tribal Council area. All sixteen of the BlowsVivor contestants. SurvivinDawg. Kismet and mistofleas. Lisapooh. MakeItStop. Leif. Cherberrie. All of the writers who weren’t contestants (with the exception of flying squirrel, who was excused due to a conflict of interest).
AyaProbe: Who’s on trial?
MB: I think you know, Aya. Mr. Prosecutor, come up here.
shakes the clown stands up from the jury box and walks up next to MB.
AyaProbe: You’re the prosecutor?
shakes: Can’t be any worse than I was as a defense attorney. At least I’ll do better than Hamilton Burger.
skierdude10 (from the jury box): Yeah, you are a hamburger, dude.
shakes: Oh Lordy, Lordy, stop me before I flame again!
AyaProbe: And who’s my defense attorney?
MB: You can defend yourself.
AyaProbe: Mark, there’s an old saying: a lawyer who defends himself has a fool for a client.
MB: I know. That’s why I didn’t think you’d mind.
AyaProbe: Oh…. Well, when you put it that way … I’ll do it.
MB: No judge. You can’t object, Aya. Let’s get started.
shakes: Hey, Aya. Having fun yet?
AyaProbe: Not right now.
shakes: Aw, you shouldn’t do this if it isn’t fun, Aya.
AyaProbe: Had I known back in June what I know now, I wouldn’t have done it.
shakes: Oh, a talkative witness. I love those. So, Aya, what did you think was going to happen when I started this game?
AyaProbe: I thought it would give people a reason to stick around on the boards during the off-season; I thought it might bring people closer together …
shakes: Let’s focus on that for a minute. Did you make any posts about the possibility of real-life problems from the game?
shakes: And what did you say?
AyaProbe: Some people asked to do real voting. I said that I though it would cause ill feelings.
shakes: Oh, so real voting would cause hurt feelings. What about pretend voting?
AyaProbe: I thought it was OK.
shakes: You did? Why?
AyaProbe: Well, no one except for the writer made a pick …
shakes: Did you think that people might lobby the writer?
AyaProbe: Not really.
shakes: Did you know that people were lobbying ME from the time I first introduced this game?
AyaProbe: Not until I took it over.
shakes: Is it logical to believe that you had no idea about that?
AyaProbe: I object. I can’t answer that question.
shakes: Why not? Aren’t you an expert on logic?
AyaProbe: Well, I guess.
shakes: So, as an expert, I ask you to offer expert testimony.
AyaProbe: How come you weren’t this good a lawyer for Outfrontgirl?
shakes: I told you why. You read the vote explanations. The only person whose vote I influenced was Survivorchick’s. Everyone else had their minds made up already. I don’t know why you even wasted our time with that trial. And speaking of waste, did you know that I was going to select people who didn’t apply?
shakes: Did you object to that?
shakes: Why not?
AyaProbe (softly): Because I’m an idiot.
shakes: What did you say? Louder, please.
AyaProbe: I’M AN IDIOT!
MB: Thank you, that will be enough. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, have you reached a verdict?
AyaProbe: Wait a minute, don’t I get to give evidence?
MB: No. If I can fix game shows, fixing a trial is a snap. Everyone on the jury, please raise your thumbs. (all thumbs go up) Life or death?
Most thumbs point down, but a handful remain pointed up. MB seems petulant.
MB: Damn. OK, Aya, we’ll let you live.
AyaProbe: Let me live?
MB: Yeah. Apparently some of the jurors think you meant well, even though you screwed up big-time. OK, group, we’re outta here. Everyone to the buses – free rides to the Greyhound terminal for your trips home!
AyaProbe: What’s going on here?
MB: We’re clearing out of this forum. Fast. Hasta la vista, baby! Your show has been terminated!
Everyone heads for the buses at a trot. Before AyaProbe has even thought to rouse himself and catch one of the buses, they have taken off. Everyone and everything is gone. AyaProbe walks back to the production trailer, which is still there but totally empty. A wisp of a song floats through his mind:
Ghosts float up the stairs, like silent moving pictures,
The loyal phantoms of his in-house staff.
A wondrous place it is, there can be no doubt.
But no one ever goes in, and no one ever goes out.
shakes the clown (E1), BadAs (E2), Outfrontgirl (E3, E9), Superman (E4), SherpaDave (E5), Survivorerist (E6), idiotcowboy (E7), AyatollahKhomeini (E7.5, E13), George Tirebiter (E8), dabo (E10), GG (E11), dangerkitty (E12), flying squirrel (E13).
Starring (in alphabetical order):
Dalton, dangerkitty, desert_rhino, George Tirebiter, IceCat, ItzLisa, MonCherie, Outfrontgirl, PepeLePew13, RudyRules, skierdude10, sleeeve, SnoopySucks, Superman, Survivorchick, Survivorerist, VampKira.
Hosted by: AyaProbe.
With special appearances by (in alphabetical order):
aymelek (E5, E10, E12), BadAs(E2, E7.5), dabo (E5, E12), diamond (E13), EBug (E7-E8, E12), GG (E8-E10), HawkEye (E7), idiotcowboy (E7), Jizzy (“LIZZLOVER”) (E6, E12), Kismet (E7-E13), LadyT (E5, E7), Lamber (E3-E4, E7.5), Lisapooh (E10, E12), MakeItStop (E9-E10), MarkBurnit (E9-E11, E13), mistofleas (E8-E13), Monkeyboy (E5, E9-E10), Moonbaby (E12), not shakes (E7.5, E9-E10), samiam (E5, E10, E12), shakes the clown (E4, E7.5, E8, E10, E13), ShakesvivorBlows (E7), SherpaDave (E12), SurvivinDawg (E1-E2), true (E12), volmel (E5), Webby (E7.5).
…and a handful of real people, not to be acknowledged here!
Executive Producer: AyatollahKhomeini.
From an idea by: shakes the clown.
Web design courtesy of: IceCat.
Spoiling and support provided by: the entire SB community.
Special thanks to you all for NOT horsewhipping the writers of this last episode.
Edited to correct "special appearances" list, as per dabo's and MakeItStop's corrections below. Sorry!