LAST EDITED ON 08-01-01 AT 05:43 AM (EST)
*********Unofficial BlowsVivor Episode 9*********
“If You Want Somebody You Can Trust, Trust Yourself”
Previously, on BlowsVivor
Apocalypse? No. We think not. Surreal drug experience? Apparently.
After a challenge that forced untrained and anti-NRA contestants to shoot real bullets ‘near’ to their fellow castaways, the shocked DAWs changed their underwear, cleaned out their medicine kit, and checked into a private screening of “Oz.” They watched entranced as flying monkey-butlers flew off with the camp’s beloved little dog, and Princess Lotus-Blossom aka Mother Nature aka Dalton blessed the women of the tribe and told them to have them some testicles for breakfast if that’s what it took for the estrogen alliance to win.
Meanwhile, the disgruntled Desert Rhino finally got his revenge on Mon Cherie--whom he picked to get booted instead of him back in Ep 1–also taking out her innocent paramour SurvivorChick. when he blew up the dam holding back the Red Sea. Sleeeve, Eagle Scout/geek supreme, apparently melted Kismet aka the Wiz while showing off his fire-extinguishing skills (isn’t that a rhino thing?)--making her BlowsVivor’s second executive producer to vanish leaving only a puddle where once an Evil Overlord had played puppeteer.
VampKira appears to have taken her long-awaited revenge on the “Tart”–something vaguely involving “bloodwork.” AyaProbe nearly tore his toupee to shreds after a certain contestant/writer Skupined her two biggest threats and dispensed with the TC. Rumor has him commenting, strictly OTR: “in the very first episode of the second half, she managed to screw up my Recap’s amazing feat of making perfect scientific sense out of the first half of BlowsVivor! Fantasy, schmantasy–this is Reality TV, damnit!”
The new DAW tribe now consists of 3 women and 4 men, 4 former AA’s and 3 BB’s, for those who bother to keep track...
(And they wonder why it took so long to write this? Jeez, look how long it took to get through the Previously part. Try making sense of all this coming off of a major X trip...)
Day 25 or 26: “Reality Day”
Caption: Dumbass Attention-seeking Weenies’ Camp (where else?)
The subsiding floodwaters of the unleashed Red Sea have sprinkled flotsam and jetsam of Nike’s and other trademarked BlowsVivor clothing around the huddled and still-crashed-out bodies of Dangerkitty, Sleeeve, RudyRules, and George Tirebiter. SnoopySucks, Outfrontgirl, Survivorist, and Ice Cat are not to be seen, and neither are their shelter, outdoor kitchen, nor their food supplies.
Reggae music plays in background over the opening shot and continues as the DAWs stagger to their feet and fall down repeatedly:
Well they tell you of that pie up in the sky,
That is waiting there for you when you die,
But between the day you’re born and the day you die
They never seem to hear even your cries
(shot of AyaProbe in his trailer, eating apple pie with a slice of sharp Cheddar and ignoring the camera feedback of the DAWs’ miserable awakening)
]And as sure as the sun’s gonna shine
I’m gonna get my share now of what’s mine
(Gratuitous shot of VampKira biting Mon Cherie over her left breast)
]And then the harder they come
The harder they fall, one and all]
(Gratuitious replay of violent damburst sweeping MonCherie and SurvivorChick down the river)
]Well the oppressors are trying to keep us down
They’re trying to drive us underground
But I’d rather be a free man in my grave
Than living as a puppet or a slave]
(shot pans to Ice Cat dragging himself out of a hole at the foot of a tree and lurching towards camp)
]And as sure as the sun’s gonna shine
I’m gonna get my share now of what’s mine ]
(Shot of a blurry androgynous figure dancing ecstatically, waving a million dollar check)
]And then the harder they come
The harder they fall, one and all]
(gratuitous eye-candy replay of Superman being dragged out of TC by Marlon Brando)
]One and all...oh yeah...oh yeah....”
Sleeeve: I should have predicted it was a bad idea to take that ‘aspirin.’ I’m fairly sure we didn’t even have group sex this time and I think very bad things may have happened.
George Tirebiter: (groans) Arghhh!!! My head feels like it’s stuffed with scratchy one-ply toilet paper! Tell me that someone put the stash, bong, and matches on higher ground, please...
Sleeeve: Screw the stash, GT, start grasping the idea that the rice and all the rest of our food washed away and we have what, 17 days left to go? And I’ve hardly eaten anything since the donuts and coffee leak dried up.
Dangerkitty: Dried up? I am all wet and bedraggled! I look like something SnoopySucks dragged in! (Begins grooming herself frantically)
RudyRules: SnoopySucks! Where oh where has she gone? SnoopySucks! Come home!
George Tirebiter: And where the hell are OFG, Survivorist and Ice Cat?
Suddenly the castaways look green around the gills and have just enough time to scatter before a 15 minute puking session gets underway.
Survivorist comes into view, whistling cheerfully, smiling, and dragging behind him a tattered Texas flag folded up at the corners; apparently he’s using it to transport some stuff. He opens the flag to reveal that he’s managed to scavenge some of the heavier camp-gear-–the cast-iron pan, 2 cans of Spaghetti-Os, and their knife.
Sleeeve: Good going young grasshopper! You’ll get your merit badge in kitchenware reclamation for sure!
Survivorist: (smiles sweetly) I do what I can to make our day a little brighter. Hey, what’s this full-length mirror doing up at the top of the banks here?
Dangerkitty: It’s got a hairbrush tied to it. Cool.
George Tirebiter: You’re last to use that, missy. I’m not brushing black fur into my long auburn hair, thank you.
Sleeeve: There’s a post-it note on it. It says:
Look in the magic mirror
Tell it what you see
The hidden digital camera
Will put you on TV!
I don’t think this is a challenge. I think it means gratuitous Face Time for all of us.
At the magic words ‘Face Time,’ Ice Cat stumbles out of the trees and into the group gathered around the mirror.
Ice Cat: Hey. I was wandering around in some kind of daze all night. What the hell happened? You guys seriously call that stuff a recreational drug? I’m dehydrated, puking, dizzy, aching all over...
Sleeeve: As a chemist, I can tell you that we had an atypically hallucinatory experience for X and that the stomach upset probably indicates strychnine contamination, possibly introduced by a sleazy ‘designer’ who thinks special effects substitute for deep insights into the very fabric of reality...
Ice Cat: Stop already, California geek; you make my head hurt more. The clown gave us that Xstacy shit! He poisoned us to make more graphic TV! Does anyone have the phone numbers for PETA and Stacey Stillman’s lawyer?
George Tirebiter: Well, I’m brushing my hair before I look in the mirror. (Brushes and flinches in horror) Holy crap, my hair’s falling out in clumps!
(The others take turns and stop brushing when their hair comes out too, all except Survivorists’s)
Ice Cat: (pissed, holding a handful of waist-length hair) I have to twist my scrunchie around 4 times now to get my pony tail tight! (suspiciously) So why aren’t you losing any, kid?
Survivorist: My mom is watching this show and she told me never to take drugs, remember?
Survivorist: (confessional) Could it be that those red fish I caught yesterday took a little detour on their way to camp and brushed against the radioactive sludge pillars? Buw-wah-ha-ha! I wouldn’t want to damage anybody permanently. I think the stuff has an extremely short half life...just enough to give me the physical and mental edge I need to win this thing...
(The attention deficits remember the mirror...)
Dangerkitty: I’m as ready for my close-up as I’ll be this morning, so here goes....
(poses and looks in mirror) Wow, it’s like it has DVD clips or something. I see SurvivorChick in some kind of a trailer or something. She’s looking at a picture of me. She’s kissing it! Eww, all over...
George Tirebiter: (Clown’s revolving head appears, laughing at her, saying, I’m not done with you yet, my pretty!) Man, this fucking X just keeps on going like the Energizer bunny. I need some weed and I need it now!
Survivorist: OMG<click> Energizer bunny, I love those. My turn...Lamber! No! I’m so sorry... I’ve been a bad bad boy but I can prove my worthiness!
Ice Cat: (sees whine-o grinning at him and saying, was that what you had in mind when you said you wanted some bang for your buck? Cat mutters under his breath: Absolutely, my friend. That’s two, only the grand finale to go...)
Sleeeve: (sees a copy of Playboy opened to the centerfold spread of Jerri)
The horror! The horror!
RudyRules: Let me try. Why it’s SnoopySucks! She’s in a dark place! She’s trapped and hungry! Somebody’s got to save her!
Survivorist: RudyRules, I’ll help you look for SnoopySucks. I care about what happened to your dog.
Ice Cat: Where’s OFG, anyway?
George Tirebiter: I spaced it! She’s been missing since we woke up. The monkey-butlers didn’t fly away with her too, did they?
Sleeeve: GT, get a grip. There were no monkey-butlers; no giant clown face. No Wizard, just an equipment fire in the production trailer and a really cute technician with absolutely perky breasts... I just felt impelled to douse her with fluids, she was so incredibly hot...
George Tirebiter: Sleeeve! Save it for your dreams when you get home! Dalton, she was real though, right?
Sleeeve: No Dalton. She’ s just a wannabe Mother Nature. She’s baby-sitting Skierdude10 just about now and feeling real sorry she tried a cross-tribal alliance...not that there’s anything wrong with that, GT.
(Cloud forms and starts to pour on Sleeeve)
Sleeeve: (dripping) All right! You know what, forget we had this conversation.
(Rain stops and sun comes out, with benevolent breeze wafting through the miserably hot desert set)
Ice Cat: Well, you attention deficits, I shall go in search of Outfrontgirl, because I like it not that she is out of my sight; she could be up to some kind of nefarious scheme.
George Tirebiter: Ice, you are so damn paranoid. You think everything’s a plot. We’re better than that here.
RudyRules: If there’s some kinda plot, I guess my SEAL buddies will make whoever it is real sorry. I want to go look for Snoopy now. I miss her so much I don’t even care about breakfast. On the other hand, I’m set in my ways, and breakfast is my way of starting out the day, especially before a search.
Survivorist: Let’s open these cans of spaghetti-O’s and have breakfast.
Sleeeve: The matches got spoiled when I threw that bucket of water at that hottie–some of it splashed back into my pocket. This is why I should have brought a pocket protector for my luxury item. My cards are all shot to pieces too... This so called game is turning out to be all too REAL, IMHO.
Survivorist: Sleeeve, the O’s taste good cold. I eat them like that when my parents are gone. (Opens can with deft jabs of knife as if he were stabbing something repeatedly)
George Tirebiter: Survivorist, sometimes you scare me a little. Tell me you learned to use a knife like that at a Summer Camp that wasn’t the set for Jason’s Return or something...
DAWs eat their cold ChefBoyRDee and wash it down with Red Sea water. More puking follows...by everyone but Mr. Nice Guy/SmileyFace
(exit Survivorist and RudyRules in search of SnoopySucks)
(Cut to Ice climbing large palm tree. On rude platform nestled in tree we see Superman’s pillow. Ice lifts it to display a glowing green rock and a cell phone)
Ice Cat: (making cell call) Marlon, baby, it’s Ice. How’s it going? All under control? Super! Yeah, things are proceeding as planned; he’ll never make it up the river to your encampment now...uh, nevermind.
You like the new pic with those pesky pounds melted away? No sweat, baby! I am a genius at what I do and of course, you are the godfather of all geniuses. Hey, I owe you one. Not only was Superman out-of-control and forgetting who freed him from Shakes in the first place, but I have a use for young Sleeeve ...
Oh and tell Supe I won’t forget how he helped me out by throwing those rocks with the mutiny plan and voting instructions into the camps. He may not be the man with the plan but he’s da man when you need heavy lifting and distance shotputting, no doubt about it. Ciao!
Ice Cat: I don’t think I need to look for Outfrontgirl... scheming, hah ... toking is more like it. Resting her retinas, no doubt. This pillow is super luxurious and has dried out nicely since I grabbed it just as the flood was about to claim it. The Cat has been uncomfortably accommodated for much too long...”
Ice curls up on the pillow for a comfy cat nap. A grin comes and goes on his face and his eyes wink in a rhythmic pattern as if he’s alert at all times to his surroundings...
(Cut to a dark space with night vision camera that shows only a tongue licking a blurry body)
Outfrontgirl: Oh, Chick, yes, (moans) I want you too, yes, yes ...
(Cut to executive producer’s trailer interior)
AyaProbe and Kismet stand looking at large packing crate labeled Target. MistO”Fleas and an unknown woman enter and are instructed to open the crate. SnoopySucks bounds out of the crate and starts humping AyaProbe’s leg with joy.
SnoopySucks: Woof! (Translation: I was having a nightmare that I was a lesbian beagle!)
A frizzy-haired and very out-of-it Outfrontgirl climbs out of the crate.
Outfrontgirl: Misty, did you put me in that box again? Do you realize it says Target on it and whine-o’s on the loose blowing things up again? I could have been blasted and our dog too!
AyaProbe: I think not. Our whine-o only goes after UN-designated targets. It’s a matter of pride with him. This crate would have been much too obvious...
Outfrontgirl: Kismet, I know I was high, but I thought I saw you melted in some sort of Oz mix-up where the Wiz gets melted and the witch keeps the dog...
And who’s this new person? I must know everyone’s identity you know! I hate unsolved mysteries and now I have two, three counting the big one of how the hell I got here in this box!
Kismet: Allow me to introduce my new assistant, MakeItStop. I hired her after she upped my Cornertime ratings with her dead-on spoof. (Translation: I had to absorb her, before she started her own empire.)
As for the girl that got melted: You don’t think I’d demean myself and actually set foot on that scuzzy set, do you? No, you saw my former minion and body double, Mismet. Unfortunate spontaneous reaction to water, happens in one out of a million cases.
Outfrontgirl: So why am I here? Isn’t this breaking some kind of rule?
AyaProbe: Kismet, could you excuse us? (exit Kismet and minions (that is assistants), carrying SnoopySucks).
AyaProbe: Simple, Outfrontgirl, I’m in a pinch for a writer again. The guy I had lined up says he has a real life, blah blah blah, family, fortune, fame awaiting him, so I need you, because you have no life for the next 17 days or so, you are my pawn anyway. Just write me a draft--nothing creative--write exactly what happens.
Outfrontgirl: AyaProbe, I see a fraction of what goes on around here.
AyaProbe: Not to worry. Slip away after the TC and we’ll show you the tapes from the hidden cameras. You can stay up all night and get it done. Would you really be able to sleep in that miserable not-a-camp-any-more?
Outfrontgirl: So does that mean I’m getting booted this time? Otherwise why would you let me see what everyone’s talking about–-I know it’s all backstabbing and making fun of my floppy retinas...
AyaProbe: It means nothing one way or the other. When you are done I will hypnotize you and tell you to forget everything you saw on the tapes, whether or not you get booted. Then I will take your draft, edit out the parts we don’t want the public to see, and air the Official Episode.
Oh, and there’s someone else I want you to meet. Come in GG...
(Enter GG wearing a seersucker suit with a lace jabot, dark shades, boots and long hair.)
AyaProbe: Mr. GG is an under-assistant West Coast Promotion Man (recently posted here from the Big Apple and from the British shores before that). He represents a powerful individual who recently acquired interests in certain song rights--some Dylan, some reggae, there’s really not much he doesn’t have a financial interest in–-
GG: I never cared for Dylan. I like underappreciated cutting edge stuff, not droning self-indulgent...
AyaProbe: Does your boss care what you care for?
GG: As it happens, not a whit.
AyaProbe: This Powerful Person says we need more song lyrics, even a Theme Song, and he’s willing to pay! So, OFG, just try to work it in where you can. Don’t worry about identifying the writers or anything as I will instantly recognize any lyric and append the proper copyright info when I edit. Got it?
Outfrontgirl: I won’t do any more Yoko Ono or anything from “Hair” or “Jesus Christ Superstar.” I hated those. No “this is the dawning of the Age of Aquarius” crap or I quit. I have my limits. Oh, and nice to meet you, GG. Your ass is just as cute as GT described...
(Later, at dusk, Outfrontgirl stumbles back into the former campsite and claims she’s been out looking for SnoopySucks just to suck up to RudyRules)
RudyRules: Any luck? I looked all day and nothin.
Outfrontgirl: Sorry Rudy...I tried! Hey, where’s Ice Cat?
Survivorist: He said he’d rather sleep in some silly tree because the damp sand gives him twinges.
Outfrontgirl: On the plus side, I happen to have our stash and GT’s best bong safe and sound. I had taken them to higher ground as a precaution. I predicted whine-o was going to blow something up eventually.
Sleeeve: Too bad you didn’t predict the rice was going to wash away, cause we’ve had zip to eat today except 1/3 of a can of SpaghettiO’s apiece, that’s .333333 to infinity and it bites!
Dangerkitty: OFG, we're all a little cranky and hungry, but welcome back. You look like you’ve had a worse time even than we have. Would you like a strictly nonsexual foot massage?
(OFG nods and looks antipatory)
George Tirebiter: Who cares about the fricking rice? They’ll bring us more. They can’t very well let us starve on national TV, can they? The stash is back. Shall we....? It’s either that or go to work re-building the camp.... Sleeeve, let’s get some of that wood-rubbing action you’re famed for going--get to work with a pair of sticks and make us some fire!
Sleeeve:Do I hear any money that says I can't make fire in less than 2 minutes?
All: Way to go, Sleeeve!
All but Survivorist: Now pass that bong, Outfrontgirl, and stop bogarting!
End of Day 25 or possibly 26....
End Part 1 of of OFG’s Unofficial Episode 9
Next Day: Hunger Strikes & Reward Challenges
EPISODE 9, PT. 2 : “Explorations”
Day 26 or 27
Sunrise in the Daw camp. The loud gurgles from seven empty tummies make it impossible to sleep in, and since they have nothing to sleep in--no tent to roll out of-–and no breakfast to prepare, this scene looks to be full of whining about hunger, cold, and fatigue ad nauseum--so the DAWS are taken to separate interviews and asked about their relationships with their tribe members.
George Tirebiter: I’m all too aware that I’ve been a little rude, bossy, cocky, and possibly abrasive in this game. After whine-o got booted, no one else was focused on keeping the tribe strong and competitive. Superman, with all his strength and powers-–totally absorbed by sex–-so the kiss-of-death leader role fell on me. I’ve been focusing a lot on getting high--because the reality’s So-o dismal and I want to be perceived as helping the tribe have fun. Of course I’m hungry and bummed that the rice got washed away, but I felt like getting out the bong was the only thing for ‘raising’ morale last night. You know, I have a wicked sense of humor and people shouldn’t take my remarks so seriously... Oh, and it certainly didn’t help me bond with the group when one of these scab writers had me channel Dalton just so he could use the rude schtick he’d already written... Lately I’ve felt I’ve been channeling Jerri even, and that scares the shit out of me!
Ice Cat: So I’ve been sleeping away from the group, so what? I’m a male cat and they tend to wander, especially at night. I think everyone accepts that as my nature, and they also think I’m still trying to escape. Most of them see me as a spoiler and computer geek, which is OK, as it’s not threatening to anyone but Sleeeve, who’s a little insecure about his abilities due to his abysmal track record. I type on my invisible keyboard and stay U-T-R... I have observed, with some satisfaction, that George and Dangerkitty are not immune to my masculine charms, and I have certainly flirted back and strutted my stuff on occasion... I don’t know what Outfrontgirl thinks of me: I used a bookcover look for her sig pic because that’s exactly what I get when I try to read her-–a smart sexy cover...and I can’t get past that. One thing I’ve noticed with OFG though--whenever I allude to Shakespeare she gets all aroused...
RudyRules: My tribesmates have no idea who I am. They think I’m a Canadian because of my sig pic, yet my official bio clearly states I was a draft dodger. In confidence, I’m neither. I’m American, and a Black Op, Special Forces–in fact, any secret skilled military elite group you can think of--I’ve been a member. When I was just out of high school President Nixon himself assigned me to infiltrate the American draft-dodger community in Canada. And my ‘poor’ SnoopyS, well she can take of herself too, you betcha!
How do I get along with everyone? Personally, I could care less about these weirdos. I have just played the napping, set-in-his-ways geezer thing to the max while I think deep thoughts and psych out all the angles. Going without food really gets to me though, and hunger may push me into revealing that I possess the full array of survival skills I’ve been so carefully hiding since I got here.
Survivorist: Since ItzLisa got booted (he he I love that she blames Outfrontgirl for that when I was the one who nailed her)–I’m indisputably the Nicest player in camp. Sure, my image got a little tarnished with that Lamber/fake vampire bite incident. Fortunately, all the BB’s really involved in that are now history. I’m pretty sure GT has little or no short term memory left, plus she’s flattered that I’m pretending to stalk her. Ice was too fixated on html code--and some Prisoner thing from some lame TV show that was on before I was born--to notice me acting up. Besides, I nailed the key role of hunter/forager from the get-go, although the fish aren’t as popular as the coffee and donuts, which was such a sweet gig...and the tribe relies on me for protein now, as well as my sweetness and light...Plus I salvaged the pan and the canned food from the flood-–and the knife, so I get the credit for rescuing our one and only tool!
(voice from interviewer: Hey kid, cut the crap. We Do have hidden cameras ya know and we see what you’re up to behind everyone’s back)
Survivorist: Well, that’s our little secret, no? And so what if I had the knife hidden on my person all along. I was just thinking ahead...Bu-wha-ha-ha-ha....
(Please god let something that’s not boring happen in this camp! I simply can’t stomach hearing from any more of these people before breakfast. We need some action!)
AyaProbe strides briskly into camp. His flunky Not Shakes follows, wearing heavy shades, a black beret hiding any hair he may have, thick white sunscreen on his bulbous nose, and suspiciously floppy shoes. Not Shakes carries a large, apparently heavy, tin container, labeled “mixed brown and white, long and short grain Rice.”
AyaProbe: Listen up, whores! I’m here to play Let’s Make A Deal. You got more than two weeks left and nothing to eat, and yesterday I observed truly appalling lethargy when I reviewed the tapes. Not that that’s anything new, mind you. I don’t think you’re gonna make it... Does anyone recognize this speech?
All: Duh! We get the reference!
George Tirebiter: (aside) I TOLD Sleeeve Aya’d bring us rice. Even I am a better spoiler than Sleeeve! Now if I can only outspoil Not Sleeeve I may have a new career...
Sleeeve: I propose the following deal: we’ll trade you our hard-built shelter for that rice.
AyaProbe: What shelter? No, you must suffer. You must give up something you have valued even more than food.
Outfrontgirl/George Tirebiter: No-o-o-o-o!
AyaProbe: Yes. Give me ALL of your drugs and paraphernalia, and you can have this rice and a box of matches. And a special bonus-–some packets of Miso soup. For some reason our legal department insisted on that...
Sleeeve: We don’t need matches. Last night I recalled how to make fire from my Eagle Scout days.
AyaProbe: Well, the producers aren’t gonna let you be indispensable to the tribe, Sleeeve. That wouldn’t be FAIR to the others. And don’t even say it-–Fairness is mine, to dispense or withhold, according to my whim. All right? OFG, take me to your stash!
(Exit AyaProbe and Outfrontgirl into trees)
AyaProbe: I wanted to speak to you alone. Show me your notes from yesterday.....Nothing happened! This is so boring, we will never compete with BB2.
Outfrontgirl: And this is my fault? I have a deal of my own to propose, and it’ll help us both out. (Annoying whispered exchange the writer chooses to censor at this time, with some head-nodding and a handshake).
(Back on the shores of the subsiding Red Sea...)
AyaProbe: OK, you DAWs cook some rice quick-like so you’ll have some strength for the Reward Challenge. Oh, and someone check the tree mail. No more hand delivery. Do I look like the Fed Ex guy to you?
(Exit the Probster and Not Shakes)
Sleeeve and Ice Cat go for mail retrieval, quarreling like bratty brothers as usual.
Outfrontgirl and George Tirebiter fix the rice. RudyRules and Survivorist make a token circle around camp calling for SnoopySucks. Dangerkitty locates a hidden camera and performs her provocative and sensual morning stretch routine in front of it.
Dangerkitty: Why settle for Face Time when you can get Full Body time, I always say...
George Tirebiter: So, OFG, while we have a moment alone, we should talk. I’ve been thinking, don’t you find it boring that these Reality game shows always end up with the majority tribe voting off the remnants of the minority one by one? It’s so predictable. Wouldn’t it be cool if for once all the clever and verbal people were left at the end, the kind of people who write really long posts for each DAW they rack up?
Outfrontgirl: Agreed, and I would love it if you and I were the Final Two. (Aside: Especially since you’ve been channeling all the most annoying personalities and I’d be sure to get the jury vote.) But let’s face it, GT, the AA’s have the majority and voting off either you or Ice Cat is the safe thing to do, as you’re the biggest threats from the BB’s. Besides, it’s no secret that Sleeeve, Dangerkitty and I have had a California alliance from Day 1, and the 3 Canadians left aren’t really unified at all.
George Tirebiter: An estrogen alliance would beat a Left Coast alliance any day and get us better ratings (now that my hopes for a Texas/Florida showdown are as null and void as a hanging chad...) Women live everywhere, whereas you people live in a backwards time zone where I believe nothing occurs ever that is not on tape delay.
Outfrontgirl: I have loyalties, GT. Besides, even if DK and I were on board, we’d need a male dupe to vote with us this time to get a majority and even then we’d only be 3-3 tied next time but our alliance would be out in the open, and then if we have a tiebreaker I have more previous votes so far than you and DK, and then even if we got by that a man could win immunity and force us to turn on each other so I’m not guaranteed better than Final 4. And I’m already a shoe-in for Final 4, probably 3, with my current alliance and with no need for backstabbing, which I find ethically reprehensible most of the time.
George Tirebiter: Jeez, this kind of thinking way too far in the future is why I stay off the Spoilers board. You people make my head hurt. Try living in the moment, OFG. As for a male dupe, Surv will vote as he’s told. He seems to feel that I’m his backlot mama, and that’s truly very touching. My own son is close to his age and I miss him so much... (becomes teary-eyed and camera zooms in to capture this rare moment of emotion and vulnerability from the self-proclaimed leader) Think about it, OFG... Rice and miso served NOW, guys!
(Shots of starving DAWs relishing rice and licking the bowls, scraping the pot, etc.., even though they have a huge tin of the stuff)
Sleeeve: Now, we can perform the tree mail, which we memorized because some asshole with no respect for our forest friends carved it into a living tree and we couldn’t very well lug it back here. (This environmentalist message has been brought to you by Earth First, the Sierra Club, and the BEG/SeeBS legal department)
The girls and guys
Will work in pairs
The winning couple
A dream trip shares
Your bodies will act
But your brains will toil
One will give clues
The partner will spoil.
Sleeeve/Ice Cat: Charades!
Reward Challenge: On the Banks of the Red Sea
AyaProbe: Listen up! We have to get this show moving or it will never get on the air.
When we scheduled this challenge we expected 8 players left in the game of equal gender balance, but Somebody screwed up the game plan! (Glares at George Tirebiter pointedly)
Therefore one of you men will sit this challenge out.
RudyRules: I got no use for a night on a yacht. Without my partner SnoopySucks, it wouldn’t be no fun anyway.
AyaProbe: What yacht? Stop living in a past season, old guy. But you can sit out. We are looking for some sexy action on this reward and you have shown zero potential in that department to date. OK, BlowsVivors, here’s what you’re playing for: One lucky Couple will get a trip for two to the world famous Wild Animal Park outside of San Diego!
DAWS: (all except RudyRules, who has decided to take his morning nap): Wow!
AyaProbe: You will fly there immediately after the challenge, courtesy of the Friendly Sky people, Shuttle by United.
AyaProbe: Cut. We well have to retake this shot. United has joined our list of sponsors, guys. They’re looking to come back from the strike disaster and general incompetence of last year, so show some enthusiasm. (Retake) You’ll be met at the airport by your guide, who will drive you to the park, where you will feast on a special lunch, see wild animals up close and personal, and perhaps even get a tour of the authentic Kenya-style native village of primitive mud huts. Then of course, back to the game.
Dangerkitty: Probe, aren’t you worried about security, that someone will remember us from the airport and spread a rumor that two contestants were seen at LAX during the time the show was in production?
AyaProbe: Bu-wa-ha-ha-ha! Sure, you guys are so memorable... Ready? Cut for a second. OK, when I pass this hat around you will pull out the card with your name on the outside as if you’re making a random selection and read the name of your partner written underneath. Roll tape again.
AyaProbe: We’re playing BlowsVivor Charades today, in which each clue will test your knowledge of your partner. The three pairs are Ice Cat/George Tirebiter, Survivorist/Outfrontgirl, and Dangerkitty/Sleeeve. First named in each pair acts out the clues. You might note that each couple just happens to include one Spoiler.
George Tirebiter: And except for my team, the Spoilers are guessing the clues! What’s up with that?
AyaProbe: You could have been a Spoiler, GT, were you not too lazy and undisciplined to think in a logical fashion, so I’m teaching you a lesson. OK, best time wins. You have a totally On-Time flight to catch!
Ice Cat and George Tirebiter go first. Ice indicates whole concept, types frantically on keyboard, makes brackets with hands, points to surface under imaginary computer, acts like a Prisoner...
George Tirebiter: Source code, computer geek, desk, table, prisoner, inmate, I don’t know! I have a Mac. I point and click!
Ice points to the sun and makes a circle in the air.
George Tirebiter: Sun, round, pie, sunshine ...
Cat excitedly signs that she’s close and goes back to typing.
George Tirebiter: I don’t KNOW! I need my bong, I’m getting nothing.
Ice Cat eventually gives up and curls up in fetal position where he lies twitching with frustration.
AyaProbe: Time’s up. The correct answer was “HTML Tutorial on How to Make A Big Shiny Button,” as you would have guessed if you had put together the keyboard input, table, cell, round for button and shine from sun.
George Tirebiter: That totally sucks; no one could guess that.
Survivorist steps up and examines his clue. He smiles.
Survivorist looks moonstruck and pulls an imaginary person to his chest.
Survivorist: nods, indicates she’s warm, then gets a devilish look on his face and walks backwards.
Outfrontgirl: Backwards, yes? um...Play it Backwards, Satanism, #9 , White Album, Paul is Dead, (no?) Back to Amber... back in time? Dinosaur DNA? Jurassic Park III? Raptors, rapture?
Survivorist indicates he’s starting a new track. Rolls a movie reel and puts on his best maniacal Jack Nicholson expression while chopping violently with an invisible ax.
Outfrontgirl: Movie, The Shining, yes?
Survivorist puts on his best vacant stare and plays with his finger.
Outfrontgirl: Lamber’s not here any more, um redrum! Backwards, I get it! REBMA!
Outfrontgirl and Survivorist hug.
AyaProbe: Well, that was fast work for so many guesses: only a minute, 30 seconds! Outfrontgirl and Survivorist lead. Dangerkitty and Sleeeve, you’re up.
Dangerkitty doesn’t merely step into the circle, she springs, crouches and grins, stretches sexily, pointing her bodacious ta-ta’s towards the camera-–then reads the clue on the card and grins.
Dangerkitty wriggles her left arm out of her spandex cat suit, revealing a stunning shoulder, and begins waving the empty sleeve at her mesmerized partner. Suddenly his eyes light with keen intelligence and comprehension and he calls out excitedly, “There is NOTHING up my Sleeeve.”
AyaProbe: Well, that took only 20 seconds. I declare Dangerkitty and Sleeeve the winners. You two--expect the chopper to pick you up in one hour and take you to LAX. Meanwhile, I’d recommend you take advantage of this lovely pristine river water and bathe your not-so-fresh selves. (This river water brought to you courtesy of the California Aqueduct and the drought-threatened citizens of Northern California.) You’re on national TV, you know. (Exits)
Dangerkitty and Sleeeve head for the water, Sleeeve looking besides himself with excitement, Dangerkitty looking indecipherable.
George Tirebiter: That challenge was so Fixed, I say! No way that wasn’t biased. They fed him a line with his NAME in it for chrissakes.
Outfrontgirl: ( shrugs) What do you expect? DK’s the eye candy around here, and Sleeeve is um, willing to be a Hershey bar or just about anything she might be inclined to lick... this is a ratings ploy, pure and simple, to get some sex back on the show now that Superman and Vamp have gone off to Monkeyboy Island and that new show is getting the scoop on all the hot action there. Plus we lost poor SChick, and Mon Cherie, and those two were always heating things up despite the fact that neither one of them got any the entire time they were on the show.
George Tirebiter: Well, one of these two is getting some tomorrow–if getting some means getting my vote at TC!
Ice Cat: I so wanted to get a ride in that chopper...
Survivorist: (There goes my chance at pitching a food product endorsement when they served the lunch, but I’ll work it in right now) I was really craving a Mountain Dew!
RudyRules: (decides nap time’s over and he has a window of opportunity) I miss SnoopySucks! I say the rest of us search for her while they go on their silly picnic, eh? There’s nothing else to do here.
Ice Cat: I’m feeling all verklempt. You guys go search among yourselves. (Aside: like I’m gonna get all foot sore looking for a missing DOG. Sheesh!)
Search for SnoopySucks
The party of five-minus-one intrepid castaways heads blithely into the trees without a compass or a clue. They spend hours walking in circles, until they’re ravenously hungry and cranky. Meanwhile...
Primitive ‘Honeymoon’ Reward
Dangerkitty: (confessional in chopper) I made it clear to Sleeeve from the get-go that we are NOT having sex. I just want to have fun, see the sights, and forget this game for awhile. I don’t want to talk strategy either.
Sleeeve: (confessional, same place) I’m feeling the need to deepen my alliance with Dangerkitty, and I plan to use every opportunity to get close to her, strategically speaking, if you know what I mean.
(LAX. After 3 delays--one for mechanical problems, one because they can’t find a pilot with enough down time, and once apparently just to increase the statistics on air rage--their United Shuttle flight is declared cancelled)
Weary and frustrated, Dangerkitty and Sleeeve are overjoyed to see a familiar celebrity walk up to them...
Dangerkitty/Sleeeve: Monkeyboy! What’s up?
Monkeyboy: I’m your guide for today. I figured this would happen, so I just brought the Monkeymobile here. You can drive to San Diego from here faster than flying on United, so let’s go peeps!
(In a shady clearing at the Park, one feels oneself practically on the set of an old Tarzan movie, as the guy, the girl, and the chimp shoot the breeze)
Monkeyboy: Time for the incredibly delicious feast I’ve gathered for you poor, hungry guys. My very best stash of bananas, and for protein, these delicate grubs...
Dangerkitty/Sleeeve: Ewww! Bananas? We’re constipated enough from the rice.
Monkeyboy: (pretends to sulk up in treetops for a few minutes, then comes swinging down)
Just kidding! Here’s your real lunch. For you, Sleeeve, a giant, juicy hamburger and a sixer of Sierra Nevada Pale Ale! I’m a vegetarian myself, but to each his own. And for you, my dear kitty, a huge bowl of Linguini con Gamberoni , al dente of course, smothered with Parmesano just for you. (Aside: Another thing I can’t stand: parmesan cheese, but I can’t diss a lady.) And a full carafe of fine Robert Mondavi Merlot! OK, you guys eat up and have fun, I’m BRB for awhile.
(Monkeyboy disappears into treetops.)
The two DAWs stuff their faces and get a good buzz on... Sleeeve tries to sit close to Dangerkitty, who suggests they walk around and check to see if any Big Cats are to be seen in their simulated natural habitat. Sleeeve protects her when a huge elephant passes too close to them and manages to get his arm around her for a minute.
Dangerkitty gets a thorn in her foot and begins to limp. Sleeeve offers to extract it, and she reclines and offers up the lithe leg and the foot with the Owie for his skilled attention. Sleeeve blesses the gods that he took First Aid in order to become a Summer Camp Counselor. Once the foot is seen to, however, Dangerkitty begins to look restless and bored.
Sleeeve: (aside: that does it, I’m playing my best card NOW) Man, It’s so hot here! Excuse me, Dangerkitty, but I must take off my shirt. (Reveals everything that’s been up his sleeeves all this time...)
Dangerkitty: (stares at his manly physique in awe) I didn’t know so much brain could combine with such, wow...I think I really must take off my shirt too as I agree it’s very hot here...
(Unfortunately, due to the 8:00 pm airtime of BlowsVivor, the camera pans to a shot of two tigers playfully pawing each other at Marineworld/Africa USA....
Hours later, as the sun starts to decline, the two are seen fully clothed, in twin beds, whoops, wrong show)
Dangerkitty: I wonder where Monkeyboy has gone. Isn’t he supposed to show up and take us back?
A mile or more away, Monkeyboy perches on a cliff-top above a crowded watering hole, watching the curious denizens that frequent the spot interact. Periodically he flings clods of feces down on them just to add to the good time being had by all. He has apparently forgotten all about our two DAWs.
The Continuing Search For SnoopySucks
George Tirebiter: You guys, if we don’t head back it will get dark.
Survivorist: Sir Optimist says, look on the bright side and don’t give up. How about you, RudyR?
RudyRules: OK, Time to speak up! RudyRules is not the type to fold when his beloved dog is missing; it just makes him all the more ready to fight on and get back at the evil powers that be who are running this game, after all that's what SnoopySucks would want me to do! This old codger ain't going down without a fight and shouldn't be underestimated, cause he’s going all the way in memory of his precious SnoopySucks!
Outfrontgirl: Whoa! That’s as much as I’ve heard you say at one time since this game started. (I’m just itching to make a Bob Dole just got his Viagra fix comment here, but I’m not going to go there. Diplomacy!)
George Tirebiter: Well, if we don’t head back we’ll be spending the night out here.
Survivorist: Hey, I see some kind of structure ahead! Look, it’s like a crashed airplane!
Outfrontgirl: It’s obviously a set left over from that “Alive” movie...Oh shit, it’s starting to rain! No, hail! I think it’s snowing! Well, it’s the only shelter around so let’s take cover!
(Hours later, this unseasonable and completely WRONG for Los Angeles blizzard continues. In her hammock on Monkeyboy Island, Dalton smiles with satisfaction)
George Tirebiter: I’m starving. I can’t believe I signed up for this horrible gig.
Survivorist: Even I have nothing to cheer us up. I think we’re screwed, guys.
RudyRules: I’m going to take a nap.
Outfrontgirl: I wouldn’t if I were you, RudyRules. I’ve seen this movie, and you might wake up missing some fingers or toes, if you catch my drift. I think we’re spending the night freezing our asses off in this wreckage, so we might as well huddle together for warmth.
Survivorist: And yet, there’s always that silver lining...
The Great Barrier-breaking Adventure, cont’d
Sleeeve and Dangerkitty, concluding that Mr. BRB is not coming back, have explored the terrain and discovered the primitive village AyaProbe mentioned. Curiously, it is surrounded by security guards and giant generator trucks. Nevertheless, they slip in and bed down in one of the mud huts.
Dawn: Day No...lost count
Back at Da Plane...
The Searchers, meanwhile, awake cold, stiff, starving, but with full complement of fingers and toes--because BlowsVivor is a family show and cannibalism seems too graphic for certain very young viewers, even with a warning for parental guidance.
Outfrontgirl: RudyRules, I have a psychic presentiment that SnoopySucks may be nearby.
RudyRules: Really, Outfrontgirl? I never set much store in that stuff, kind of New Age for me.
Outfrontgirl: Yes, well, certain planets are conjunct right now and conditions are favorable for discovery, so I’m going to take a walk. (walks through trees and finds an old production trailer in a clearing, where a shadowy figure waits, holding none other than...)
Outfrontgirl: SnoopySucks! Oh, I’m so glad to see you!
SnoopySucks: Woof! Woof! (Translation: get me away from this clown, oh please!)
Not Shakes: All is as AyaP promised you. She has been fed, groomed, and not at all mistreated (this announcement brought to you by the legal departments of BEG/SeeBS). I think it’s sucky and dull to give her back at this point. I could have thought of something really exciting instead of this lame anticlimactic...(censored by writer)
Outfrontgirl: Ratings, Not Shakes! The public demanded her return and they must get their wish. It's good for Aya, good for BlowsVivor, good for RudyRules and SnoopySucks, and not too shabby for me because I get the credit. Like the guy said in “Shakespeare In Love,” the audience loves a bit with a little dog! Cya!
We are treated to a montage of the joyous reunion with the others... RudyRules goes so far as to hug Outfrontgirl to demonstrate his overflowing gratitude.
Ice Cat naps curled up on his new pillow, nurturing his strength for the upcoming all-important Immunity Challenge.
The Rescuers return to camp:
George Tirebiter: Well, that worked out well--following the trail of crumbs that Hawk kept dropping for us. He led us directly back, after all those hours we walked in circles yesterday. I never had much faith in Hawks before, as I believe parrots are so much more colorful than these drab carrion-eaters. Still...once or twice I have adjusted my opinions when the facts warranted it...
Outfrontgirl: GT, you're blathering...Is this how you are when you’re weed-deprived?
Meanwhile, Monkeyboy has finally remembered his guide duties, rounded up the ‘honeymooners,’and chauffeured them back to the BlowsVivorlot...
An irate AyaProbe wants to bawl Monkeyboy out, but instead pats him on the head and tells him it’s OK because it’s just Monkeyboy’s nature to be a fun-loving flake. AyaProbe even offers him a job as a bouncer, but our attention-deficit guide suddenly remembers he’s left his guests on Monkeyboy Island unattended... Monkeyboy makes like a banana and splits...
Ice Cat saunters in. He and the other challenge losers pretend to welcome back Sleeeve and Dangerkitty and pretend not to be envious when they hear about the great food and change of scene enjoyed by the Reward winners.
Sleeeve: By the way, guys, I brought some souvenirs back for you. Have some bananas on me!
(Cut to catch Dangerkitty’s disgruntlement at this one-upsmanship on the part of her new love slave...)
Ice Cat: Sleeeve, why do you have such a shit-eating grin on your face?
Sleeeve: Bananas, they’re such a versatile fruit, Ice...
AyaProbe: Whores, you are late, and we have a tough physical challenge for immunity coming up this afternoon, so I suggest you prepare yourselves...and start strategizing for heaven’s sake, we are two days into the episode and we’ve hardly heard anything about alliances....(Exit all but Aya and OFG)
AyaProbe: Outfrontgirl! No song lyrics at all, what’s wrong with you? And you are incredibly slow and use far too many words to tell this simplistic, boring story.
Outfrontgirl:I'm just too exhausted and starved for inspiration. Maybe if the Reward Challenge hadn't been Fixed and I'd had a decent meal I could have done better work.
AyaProbe: No more excuses or it's back in that stinking box for you, Outfrontgirl... and I will fill it to the brim with green checks, do you hear me?
Outfrontgirl:YES, MASTER! I hear and obey!
Part 3: "Trust Yourself"
Day No. 27 or 28: Immunity Challenge/Tribal Council Day
Our dazed and deprived DAWs wolf down rice and bananas for breakfast. (This foolproof recipe for constipation brought to you by the good folks at Metamucil, who remind you that Fiber can be Fun and Artificially Flavorful.)
The Probster makes an unscheduled visit with a mouthful of news:
AyaProbe: I have an announcement to make, so gather round whores! Up to now you guys have played this game for little or no incentive–because the Clown ran off with the funding for your prizes. And I must say, you have displayed so little interest in strategy and competition that I have had NO response from the network about getting this series renewed.
Ice Cat: One season is more than sufficient as far as I’m concerned.
AyaProbe: Silence, #6. From now on, Things Have Changed! (This Oscar-winning song title brought to you by GG’s Powerful Person--Bob Dylan could care less.) You have all done Too Much of Nothing in the One Too Many Mornings you’ve spent Watching the River Flow. Our ratings are Blowing in the Wind, and the word on the street is I Shall Be Released from this gig and left to wander discarded game-show host limbo Like A Rolling Stone--and quite possibly end my days on Desolation Row or picking up trash on Highway 61. So When You Gonna Wake Up?
Sleeeve: What’s eating him? Not had a good BM recently due to that Superglue plug?
AyaProbe: When this game is over, Most Likely You’ll Go your way and I’ll go Mine, but for now I Want You to compete, dammit! And if you think there’s a guy around here with some sympathy for you whiners, It Ain’t Me Babe. Each of you is Only A Pawn in Their Game. All I Really Want to Do is get this carnival back On The Road Again. Anyone who doesn’t get with the program--It’s All Over Now, Baby Blue for you, cause It’s a Hard Rain’s A-Gonna Fall and you’ll definitely need Shelter From the Storm of my wrath!
George Tirebiter: Is there a point behind this rant? Not that I don’t love a good rant.
AyaProbe: How Just Like a Woman to ask me that.
George Tirebiter: Huh? Probe, you’re starting to lose it big-time.
AyaProbe: You merely fail to grasp the point of my references, GT. Here’s the payoff: the sole BlowsVivor will win–a lead part in a major studio production!
Second prize will be a game show host gig of your very own. Buwah-ha-ha!
I wish that for just one time you could stand inside my shoes... you’d know what a drag it is to see you! I'm convinced that If Not For You whores I was a shoe-in to host “Weakest Link 2,” but my motto is Don’t Look Back–so on with the show!
All: Wowser! Real prizes!
AyaProbe: Don’t Think Twice, It’s Alright. All the losers will get invites to the winner’s movie premiere. Other than that fleeting face time, you’ll have to scramble for endorsement contracts. Another area where you’ve been slacking!
Outfrontgirl: So did you sell your soul to the devil to pull this off, Aya?
AyaProbe: Gotta Serve Somebody, Outfrontgirl.
(aside to Outfrontgirl: you see how it’s done? I worked in 21 song titles, some lyrics, and Dylan’s movie just like that. Do you realize how much money I just made this show?)
Outfrontgirl: (mutters under breath) Do you realize how many viewers could care less and just changed the channel? And two of those were from his Jesus-freak period...)
George Tirebiter: I do get the Dylan references. I just didn't see the point at first. Hey, Everybody Must Get Stoned! Tell your sponsors THAT, Probe!
AyaProbe: In your fantasy world, Tirebiter!
Outfrontgirl: (to Dangerkitty) We have nothing clean to wear for the Immunity Challenge and I’m thinking it’s time to look a little sharper on this show! Looks like it’s time to do laundry now so it’ll be dry in time! Come lend a hand?
The two whisper as they wash clothes out in the river:
Outfrontgirl: GT proposed a three-way estrogen alliance yesterday. She'll guarantee Surv’s vote until we have the majority.
Dangerkitty: (thoughtfully) That’s very interesting. What did you respond?
Outfrontgirl: I told her she wasn’t offering us anything better than what we already have: you, me, and Sleeeve--with RudyRules behind us until the BB's are extinct.
Dangerkitty: That’s true, but one never knows how these things will shake out. RudyRules is still a wild card, IMHO. He doesn’t seem to have real tribal loyalties.
Outfrontgirl: He’s super grateful to me for finding SnoopySucks. I think we can count on him this time to take out a BB. He may not have liked the AA’s at first--but GT and Ice kicked him out of their tribe the first chance they got, so he can’t feel too warm and fuzzy towards them.
Dangerkitty: I wouldn’t mind having a back-up alliance. Only I would want to keep Sleeeve around as long as possible.
Outfrontgirl: Yes, my loyalty to Sleeeve was my primary reason not to take her up on it.
Dangerkitty: I’m quite fond of him, actually.
Outfrontgirl: (sighing) You get all the men, DK. I admit I’m a bit envious of your powers.
Dangerkitty: (blushes) My moment of weakness will cost me OFG.
Outfrontgirl: You mean when your husband sees the show?
Dangerkitty: Exactly! He’ll be displeased, to say the least.
Outfrontgirl: Well, we all had to sleep with Shakes; he knew that up front.
Dangerkitty: But with Shakes, that was for a chance at true media whoredom. Hubby supported my ambitions.
Outfrontgirl: Tell him the producers pushed for sex for the ratings. Compare the scene with you and Sleeeve to Colleen and Greg playing around in the jungle...nothing that lasted.
Dangerkitty: I hope that works. Damn, that Sleeeve is such a cutie. I have the urge to go pounce on him...
Outfrontgirl: Down, girl!
A half hour later, Outfrontgirl and George Tirebiter fix the dinner rice in advance so it’ll be ready when they come back from the IC:
George Tirebiter: Have you thought any more about my proposal?
Outfrontgirl: I mentioned it to DK.
George Tirebiter: and?
Outfrontgirl: We would want to keep Sleeeve to the F4. If things go in the right direction, we could be open to it...
George Tirebiter: I would watch your back if I were you, OFG. Sleeeve and Dangerkitty seem to have bonded a little too nicely on their little getaway. Don’t assume you’re at the core of that alliance. Whereas you and I could make a Final Two pact... (GT goes off to check all her pockets for a crumb or two of bud)
Sleeeve: Outfrontgirl, let me help you. I’ll clean up the rice pan so you won’t have to come back to dirty dishes.
Outfrontgirl: Sleeeve, you’re very domestic today. A real Boy Scout.
Sleeeve: I’ve been looking for a chance to touch base since I got back. OFG, you know I identified you as trustworthy and likeable within the first 24 hours, and that’s why I approached you to be my primary alliance member–that and you were a female.
Outfrontgirl: At least you noticed that last part.
Sleeeve: And we agreed to form false alliances to gather information and protect each other.
Outfrontgirl: Yes, although you didn’t manage to prevent Dalton from voting against me.
Sleeeve: Dalton’s a force of nature beyond my control. You voted against me in that crazy TC where we all got one vote. What was that about?
Outfrontgirl: Just following the mutiny script we were handed. A throwaway vote, relax. Why are you asking this now? Has something changed since yesterday? You know we need to be careful about talking too much to each other or people will pick up on our alliance.
Sleeeve: I’ve been getting vibes that the ladies were banding together. I wanted to confirm we were still on track for the Final 2.
Outfrontgirl: Not to worry, EEE. I think I’m the one who should worry about your loyalties, after your outing with Dangerkitty.
Sleeeve: (sighs) That was awesome, but I keep such things separate from the game, OFG.
Why don’t we get the AA’s together and plan our vote for tonight?
Outfrontgirl: It will be obvious to the BB’s what we’re doing.
Sleeeve: So what? I see GT, Ice Cat, and Survivorist are already in a circle down the beach, pretending they are practicing yoga. We all know what’s going on here today.
RudyRules: I have something to tell you all. I am an AA. I am in AA. What I mean is, I want you all to know I’m as loyal to the AA’s as I am to SnoopySucks, as long as no one I trust goes and tries to stick a knife in my back I am 100% for my team.
Sleeeve: Cool, RudyR. So are we all agreed on our target for tonight?
Outfrontgirl: Absolutely. Take out the challenge spoiler and strongest threat for winning immunity.
Dangerkitty: Agreed then. One of us has got to win this challenge. If only we knew what to expect.
Outfrontgirl: I predict it’s got a high group dynamics component.
Sleeeve: I predict it’s a balance challenge.
Dangerkitty: Well, those things are as one in my book, so I’m good to go...
Outfrontgirl: Who would have thought, when this game started, that OUR team would end up being the happy family? And we have our beloved SnoopySucks back with us. What more could we wish for?
SnoopySucks: Woof! Woof! Woof!
Speak for yourself, Outfrontgirl. At least they fed me dog food while I was kidnaped... Rice! When did anyone hear of a beagle subsisting on rice? As for the people here, personally I like George Tirebiter best next to my master...
Although I never liked a cat before, Dangerkitty is one smart, intimidating kitty, but that Ice Cat-–man he is COLD. He’d barbecue me as soon as lift a paw on my behalf. And Survivorist, that bunny-killing kid-–he’s been generous with the fish guts, but my gut instincts tell me that Bad Seed must be his seminal inspirational film.
En fin, I have no tribal loyalties one way or the other. I too got traded in a heartbeat, the very first episode. It’s every dog for herself in this game! )
RudyRules: (confessional) We all realize that Survivorist is isolated in the BB’s, now that his allies Mon Cherie and Superman are gone. I’m very aware that he was once an AA too. These three think they can swing him over, so I’ve made it reduntantly clear that I’m a loyal AA. They don’t need young grasshopper to finish off the BB’s. They got me and SnoopySucks, at least until we’re down to the Final 4!
These young men and the producers continually underestimate my well-seasoned masculine potency! Outfrontgirl and Dangerkitty will get the full RudyRules charm when it gets down to the end. Then young Sleeeve will get his walking papers. Bu-ah-ha-ha! I am a cinch to win the jury vote with my adorable SnoopySucks at my side.
BB’s shoot the shit
George Tirebiter sits cross-legged and wishes she had more than smog to inhale. Ice Cat does a sustained headstand to show off. Survivorist practices martial arts kicks he’s picked up from Dangerkitty, thinking they’ll come in handy to stun the fish when he goes out to catch dinner.
George Tirebiter: Obviously Ice and I are prime targets for the AA hit list. Unless we can get one of the AA’s to vote with us this time, whichever one of us loses IC is toast.
Survivorist: I think I see a crack in the AA alliance... RudyR is out on the fringe; even he must be aware of that.
Ice Cat: Yeah, if ‘crack’ is slang for ‘snore your way to sole survivor and a lead role in Sleeper 2.’
George Tirebiter: He won’t vote against Outfrontgirl because she rescued SnoopySucks, and he still resents us for trading him–even though that was nothing personal, just a whim on Shakes’ part really, but of course we pay the piper for the clown...
Ice Cat: Speaking of the fringe, Survivorist, we don’t have to worry about your loyalties, do we?
Survivorist: My loyalty in this game has never wavered, Ice! (aside: that would be my loyalty to No.1!)
George Tirebiter: It makes me so cranky to be starving and not high and on the losing tribe! Surv, could you please go see if you can catch us some fish so we’ll have energy for the challenge?
George Tirebiter: Surv’s a good kid, but he hasn’t proved to me he can stand on his own two feet.
Ice Cat: He made a big mistake getting so close to Mon Cherie and Superman. He should have realized you and I would emerge as the leaders after he helped frame Vamp and got her booted.
George Tirebiter: You can’t discount the way he flies U-T-R though, not ruffling any feathers, providing food, always a smile and a cheerful word from that kid.
Ice Cat: (grrr) I don’t trust him a bit. He didn’t get sick or lose hair like the rest of us, and those fish were practically glowing. I may have to follow our little friend around on his next foraging run and see what he’s up to.
OK, it’s time to round up Mr. DAWing for a ‘Free-to-Lay’ endorsement and go spoil the tree mail for the IC.
Ice Cat and Sleeeve talk on way to get treemail:
Ice Cat: Hey, Sleeeve. How was your trip to the Wild Animal Park?
Sleeeve: Ice, man, you are not going to believe this, but I think I infiltrated the actual set for Survivor 3. I even got into one of the camps and spent the night in an empty mud hut, where I found some initials carved–probably from the first bootee! I am so psyched.
Ice Cat: That is truly amazing. Kudos! I prefer to work with vidcaps rather than do field work, but between the two of us there’s nothing we can’t spoil about that or any “Reality” show. By the way, I sense that no one suspects we are really such good buddies.
Sleeeve: I know, this quarreling like brothers competitive Spoiler act works like a charm. We go off on these long expeditions for Tree Mail and no one even wonders if we’re up to something...
Ice Cat: I have some disturbing news. I now have confirmation that the estrogen alliance is for real. GT and OFG settled it while you were gone on the reward, and I was up in the tree above where they were whispering this morning when OFG told GT that DK’s in too. GT has Survivorist whupped; OFG has RudyRules gushing with the mutt rescue--they’re gonna kick out our masculine asses, mine and yours, man.
Sleeeve: I’m stunned. I trusted those two women implicitly. I’ve been consumed with guilt knowing I would backstab them in the end.
Ice Cat: A woman’s got to go this time to nip this thing in the bud.
Sleeeve: Well, I can’t see OFG and DK targeting GT tonight. They want your BB fur to fly, dude, and if not you they will kick the kid when it comes down to it. RudyRules will back them on that, and I’ll have to go along. IMHO, it’s too early to bring cross-tribal alliances out into the open.
Ice Cat: I have a plan that cannot fail, my friend.......(camera loses sound as he whispers directly into SL’s ear)
Also, I plan to spread the rumor that RudyRules is in reality a former special forces covert ops guy posing as a draft dodger--keeping us all fooled with his naps routine. That should draw the fire to him. You should make a big point to the AA's that Surv must go because he’s too nice and no-one can risk letting him get into the F4.
Sleeeve: You know, Ice, I have to wonder why you’d want to take a handsome, smart, studly, fire-startin’, popular guy like me to go up against with this jury. I would think you’d prefer GT. She’s already lost the votes of Mon Cherie and SurvivorChick, and I know RudyRules resents her bossiness.
Ice Cat: I just want to get to be #2. You see, I’ve had an epiphany that #2 wields all the real power in this world. #1 is an existential fallacy, a phantasm, an undecipherable code, a media whore's inflated ego-trip.
Sleeeve: Your dream is to be a game show host? Whatever gets you off, I guess!
Back at camp
Ice Cat/Sleeeve: Tree-mail!
If to win big in show biz
You have high hopes
You must walk a fine wire
You must learn the ropes
Every leap that you take
You may plunge to defeat
But those who survive
Learn to land on their feet
But before you take off
Here’s the snafu--
You must spin off a thread
To compete with ‘gufu’!
Ice Cat/Sleeeve/OFG: Recycled Rope Course from S1, with some BlowsVivor twist from the twisted psyche of dabo!
Dangerkitty: That last verse doesn’t rhyme properly. It’s not haiku either.
Outfrontgirl: Ever tried to find a good rhyme for gufu? (Aside: another reason Ep.9 was late!)
AyaProbe: As you will see DAWs, we’ve set up a challenge to test your ability to whore it up on multiple levels. First, the sun has set and you will compete in the darkness. You will navigate this tree-top course of ropes and wires.
If you fall you are disqualified and remember we had to drop the liability insurance so you are on your own with the med bills and any lifelong disabilities. You all signed waivers, remember? (This announcement courtesy of the CYA division of the BEG/SeeBS legal department.)
At the end of the course, you will balance on a 2 inch beam of wood and do a forwards somersault with a half-twist to land on your feet.
But first, the BlowsVivor full-twist: at the start of the course we have set up a computer terminal for each of you on-line to SurvivorBlows Off Topic Message Board. You will each post a new thread of your choosing, each striving for a topic that produces the most replies within the time you are running the course.
Your Final Score will average the following: 1) the number of replies you get, plus Webby Wild Card points if you manage to get his attention; 2) your time in navigating the course; 3) your form while competing--particularly the precision of your dismount--which you must stick or you lose all your form points.
(This incomprehensible scoring system brought to you by the World Gymnastics Organization and the 2002 Olympics Ice-Skating judges.)
(Writer: Now we all know this challenge is fixed, so why bother to watch it except to watch these people make fools of themselves? Here are a few of the highs and lows...)
Outfrontgirl blows it right off by posting some obscure analogy between Shakesvivor and James Joyce. No one responds but Ayatollah Khomeini and ItzLisa--who says she just likes to hear them talk to each other. Two replies.
George Tirebiter starts to imitate Sky Raider’s TP post but gets sidetracked when she grasps her opportunity to taunt GG with innuendoes--forgetting that she will not be able to reply to his return taunt while racing the course. She gets One exceptionally witty reply.
RudyRules posts a TTL on why we must find SnoopySucks, but since Snoopy has already been found and he’s posting in the wrong forum--only Vamps and ItzLisa reply.
Survivorist dreams up a virtual postcard pretending he has gone on vacation and misses everyone.
Sleeeve posts that he will be gone for a month--pretending he is helping poor children at summer camp instead of whoring it up on an LA backlot. Both get numerous replies but peter out far short of ‘gufu.’
Dangerkitty has a stroke of genius and starts a massive all-purpose reply thread in which she mentions every poster on the board. Although it takes her some time to write it, the DAW replies mount up and keep going.
Ice Cat has the equally brilliant idea of posting “t, the sequel”--in which he offers everyone who replies an awesome new sig pic...and throws in a witty BB2 comment about “what an ass!”
Dangerkitty and Ice Cat are racing neck and neck as the replies roll in...
The rope course is a JOKE! First of all, everyone but the cats is scared, clumsy, and creeping along. No one but the cats have night vision, so they all go the wrong directions. The final indignity--the five trailers can at best flop off the course without twisting an ankle, while both the cats land gracefully and squarely on their feet.
AyaProbe: This one is too close to call between Dangerkitty and Ice Cat. We must wait for the judge’s computation from Webby. First we must get his attention... Types, Justin’s back in the BBHouse Exit Interview room and he’s got a knife to Julie Chen’s throat!....
Here he comes now. Webby declares Ice Cat the Immunity Winner. Ice gets Webby Wild Card points for mentioning Shannon’s ass...and what an ass!
Unbelievable! And we thought the RC was biased! Don’t think we don’t see through this blatant manipulation to hook the cat-lover demographic with a Feline Final Two!
AyaProbe: OK, we are hiking straight from here to TC to get this over with ASAP. We have time for one or two interviews only while I log off these terminals.
Ice Cat: (confessional) No comment. I’ve had enough face time this episode. Tell me, what does face time matter when you win IMMUNITY? Bu-wah-ha-ha! (poses with condom necklace)....Go interview someone who appears to be a loser, losers.
Survivorist: (confessional) I wore my Target shirt tonight. No I don’t think I’m going tonight! I’m working on a spokesperson gig.
George Tirebiter: (confessional) Gu fu yourselves. Dalton’s protection outdoes any stupid condom necklace.
They gather up their stuff and stumble through the darkness towards the glowing TC pillars:
You must leave now,
Take what you need, you think will last
But whatever you wish to keep
You better grab it fast...
Cuz it’s all over now, for one of you....
The AA’s talk in darkness on the trail...
“Great, there went our target. OK, we need an alternate.”
“I say Surv. He can’t be allowed to get to the F4 or he could win due to niceness. Take him out now.”
“I say George Tirebiter. When she wakes up in a bad mood, oh baby!”
AyaProbe: Finally! I thought we would NEVER get to this.
As you should know, at this point of the game the jury of your peers will attend the Tribal Council so they can make you feel lousy about how you treated them and make you quake in your Nike’s thinking of how they’d vote for Jerri before they’d pick you to win.
We considered bringing all the losers back from Monkeyboy Island, but they all replied to their Jury Summons with medical excuses signed by some doctor and his assistant--S.Mann, M.D. and V.Kira, Blood Tech. Apparently they need transfusions or something before any of them can travel. Fortunately, our last two DAWs to get booted, er, washed away, were safely sequestered on the set.
Bring in the jury. Remember, they are not to be addressed.
Mon Cherie and SurvivorChick enter, trailed by.... Jerri! She is naked except for a sheen of baby oil. Jerri sits down in the front seat and displays why she STILL thinks it’s all about her.
AyaProbe: Jerri, what the hell are you doing here? You’re not even on this show. And I said “not to be addressed,” not “not to be dressed.”
Jerri: I made a guest appearance and I was treated UNKINDLY (glares at Dangerkitty and Outfrontgirl), and now I should have power against those who were mean to me!
AyaProbe: Not Shakes!
Not Shakes: Yes, Master?
AyaProbe: Dispose of this Scerri skank once and for all.
Not Shakes: With pleasure, chief. Can I dump her ass on the ground real hard and get a videotape of it I can watch over and over?
AyaProbe: Yes, and you can sell copies if I get a percentage.
Mon Cherie and SurvivorChick glare at George Tirebiter AND Ice Cat. SurvivorChick smiles sweetly at Dangerkitty. Mon Cherie looks a little pale and smiles without showing her teeth.
AyaProbe: Tonight we will dispense with questions.
I think these two know what you all are like..
Time to vote.
We are shown only two of the votes as they are cast.
George Tirebiter: Sleeeve. Your alliance with my girlfriends stands in the way of my vision of this show, so you have to go. I said I would send one of you ‘Honeymoon’ Reward winners packing, so here's your ticket to Summer Camp, buddy!
RudyRules: Survivorist. You’re not edging me out of my alliance, youngster.
It appears we have a tie, 3-3 Sleeeve and Survivorist. Plus one ODD vote for Dangerkitty. Gawd I hate ties, but this time I have ALL the previous votes tallied should we deadlock. Sleeeve and Survivorist cannot vote this round. Damn, now we are supposed to let you two plead your case, but we are running way over time here, so you get two words each. Make 'em count!
Survivorist: Fish and Niceness.
Sleeeve: Fire-starting and Loyalty.
Survivorist looks confident.
Sleeeve does the math and looks perturbed.
Dangerkitty can do math herself. She wonders why there are four votes for AA’s with only three BB’s. She looks intently at each of the AA’s. Outfrontgirl looks innocent. RudyRules looks puzzled. Sleeeve fails to meet her eye with his usual straightforward look of pleading infatuation.
Outfrontgirl, RudyRules, Dangerkitty, George Tirebiter, and Ice Cat step up to vote. Only RudyRules' and George Tirebiter's votes are shown--the exact same votes as before, which makes the footage annoying and redundant.
AyaProbe: Here we go.
Sleeeve, I have to ask you to bring me your headshot. (The writer pauses to brush back tears at the sadness of this moment--as the headshot of one of her personal favorites flames away...)
Sleeeve: Checkmate, guys. Hold on, I’m a card sharp not a chess geek--I'll come up with a poker metaphor shortly. Right now though, I’m out of here!
AyaProbe: Did you bring your backpack, Sleeeve? Or were you too arrogant?
Sleeeve: The Clown didn’t issue us packs, Probe.
AyaProbe: Surprise! I’m issuing one now. (Presents Sleeeve with state-of-the-art LL Bean backpack and adjusts the pack so the logo points towards the camera)
As a new twist to our TC format, the bootee will backpack the “Trail of Shame”--trailed closely by our security midgets. You will use this map to lead the other jurors back to the Jury Camp–which is a lovely trailer park that served as a set for the documentary: White Trash in America–Some of Your Best Friends Are One.
There you’ll find the kitchen open. Mind you, it’s not a luxury set–but what would you expect from an indie documentary renting the space from Paramount? Good luck, Sleeeve!
All: Hugs to our Triple EEE man! We love you EEE! We’ll miss you EEE!
Sleeeve: Oh, I’ll be back...
(First round votes are shown as credits roll and music plays)
Trust yourself to do the things that only you know best.
Trust yourself to do what’s right and not be second-guessed.
Survivorist: Sleeeve. Because GT told me to vote for you but really because I envy you for winning that reward and scoring with Dangerkitty. I don’t want Amber watching any more of that, either. She’s too pure for that Stuff.
Outfrontgirl: Survivorist. You’re our sacrificial lamb tonight, kid, but you weren’t supposed to go quite yet. Stupid biased Immunity Challenge!
Dangerkitty: Survivorist. Just sticking with the tribal batting order. Nothing personal, kiddo.
Don’t trust me to show you love
When my love may be only lust,
If you want somebody you can trust, trust yourself.
Sleeeve: Dangerkitty. After I showed you everything up my sleeeve, you betrayed me for an estrogen alliance!
Don’t trust me to show you beauty
When beauty may only turn to rust.
(Subliminal flash of rusty knife in someone's back)
If you need somebody you can trust, trust yourself.
Well you’re on your own, you always were,
In a land of wolves and thieves,
Don’t put your hope in a brotherly friend
Or be a slave to a plan someone else conceives.
Ice Cat: Sleeeve. Sorry buddy. A better spoiler would have seen through my ploy. I had to get an AA to vote against one of their own in order to destroy their advantage!
Trust yourself to find the path where there is no if and when
Don’t trust me to show you the truth
When the truth may only be ashes and dust
If you want somebody you can trust, trust yourself.
The unseen votes from the second round are now revealed.
Outfrontgirl: Survivorist. Same reason. We’ll miss your happy face.
Ice Cat: Sleeeve. If this works out as I predict--knowing what I do of the fury of a woman scorned–the BB’s are back to even and I am the hero of my tribe.
I have a lovely parting GIF waiting for you, EEE! (Winks and grins)
Dangerkitty: Sleeeve. How could you betray me, us, I mean ME? You know that charm school I never went to?
Well here’s your refund, minus your ‘deposit’ of course... You’d better hope I don’t get booted on to that jury because I am so kicking your ass out of the dojo when I get you alone!
(Cut to commercial, video clips and voiceover)
BlowsVivor is now brought to you by Survivor 3, coming to SeeBS this fall. Watch a pathetic imitation to give you your summertime fix, and stick around for the real thing!
(Promo runs, courtesy of dabo)
Next Time on BlowsVivor,
The food situation comes to a head.
GT voice over: “I will not eat green eggs and ham!”
And a trap is sprung, one will be caught by surprise.
Survivorerist voice over: “I can't believe it, I just can't believe it!”
But will a special guest bring relief?
Unknown female voice over: “Is it time for my close-up?”
Be prepared for a twisting shock on the next BlowsVivor!
Stay tuned for Sleeeve’s last words...
But first, an Unauthorized scene from the production trailer...
Enter AyaP and Mark Burnit)
AyaProbe: You won’t regret becoming our new executive producer, I promise you. Kismet has been transferred to CornerTime from now on. That show alone is a handful. BTW, do you have that funds transfer ready for me, mate?
Burnit: Here you go. I think this may be the beginning of a beautiful friendship, Aya. I’m a bit concerned that Sleeeve spoiled our current location, however. He’s really very sneaky. I think I erred in not casting him in S3, merely because he failed the psych exam. I mean, look at this Survivorist kid--no way he passed the exam and yet I find him extremely entertaining.
AyaProbe: Here’s my suggestion. Feel free to disregard it. (Translation: don’t forget I have a squad of hungry litigators at my disposal.) Don’t make the mistake of leaving the guy free to operate as an independent. Get him under contract.
Burnit: Yes, Sleeeve and Survivor 4 might be quite a good fit. I like it, Probe!
AyaProbe: Before you go, I want you to meet the writer who put this thing behind schedule. Never ever hire her. OFG, get in here and bring me your draft.
Outfrontgirl: Yes master.
AyaProbe: Your confidentiality agreement forbids you quoting our private conversations verbatim as you did in Parts 1 and 2. Can’t you read a contract?
Outfrontgirl: Sorry master. You told me to write it all and you would edit.
AyaProbe: And I shall, I shall edit carefully. Now it’s time for your hypnosis. You will stare at this object and repeat after me...
“I remember nothing that I learned from reviewing the tapes. I remember nothing that AyaProbe discussed with me about writing this episode. I have no idea how I found SnoopySucks. I have no idea what this guy with the horns is doing in the production trailer or that he was ever here or that I was ever here....I am very sleepy now and I am going to take a nap...”
AyaProbe: That should cover it. Not Shakes! Get her back to the camp.
(Camp, the following morning)
Outfrontgirl awakes and goes off to find some privacy to pee. She is startled to find a message written on her inner thighs in her own handwriting. It reads: “Do not trust anyone. Check your swimsuit top.”
Inside her top, which has gotten sadly loose from her all-rice diet, she finds a diskette, labeled with a Post-it note, also in her handwriting. It reads: “Post this file on SurvivorBlows NOW. The password to the terminals used in the Immunity Challenge is....” (censored by writer)
End of Outfrontgirl’s Unofficial and Unedited Episode 9 of BlowsVivor.
We close with:
Sleeeve's Just Like My Last Words Blues:
“I started out a spoiler,
But I soon hit the harder stuff...
Everybody said they’d stand behind me
When the game got rough
But the joke was on me
My "allies" went and called my bluff
I’m coming back soon on the jury
But til then I believe I’ve had enough...
Hey, Never enough, but at least I finally got me SOME!!!”