LAST EDITED ON 09-22-16 AT 05:18 PM (EST)
We meet again, this time at the premier of Season 33 of Survivor. After 33 seasons it still feels (yawn) fresh and oh so (yawn) new. All over again.
And I am here again to bring you the latest and greatest spoilers. Not hard to do, because half of the competitors actually are spoiled brats that think that they can snowboard for a living, or don't have to finish high school or college to become fabulously wealthy because Zuckerburg and Gates did it. That BG and the Zuck are GenX or pre-GenX doesn't seem to phase them a bit. Conveniently they also haven't had enough math in their curriculums to see the utter futility in depending on one billion to one odds. In other words, they are the next generation of homeless street people, some of whom are destined to be shot crossing the front yards by crabby old Gen-Xers sitting on their porches shaking gnarled arthritic fists at them.
So spoiler alert: They play in the sun and assume someone will take care of them like mommy and daddy always have. So sweet.
But I'm glad they are here, in underwear/bikini mode they make for great down the cleavage watching from my outpost high up a hidden coconut palm. I was assured that this refuge would keep me from being noticed by the castaways. Also, up here, I am safe from the notice of the Federales, they still have me and my merry band of scantily clad neophyte nymphomaniac spoiler hounds, all graduates of the Really Really Raunchy (and I mean Really Really Raunchy) Girls Academy for Moped Mayhem and coconut jugging (not a typo) on their list.
As for my new alias, King Goldfish, I got that when I won the Rio Olympic Marathon by ducking into the race one corner from the end and out-sprinting a couple of winded limping runners. Heck, it was easy. Then they gave me a gold medal and a full body Brazilian, on the house. I didn't know what that was and it hurt a lot, but now when I get oiled up and play pig pile with my nubile spoiler scouts, it's a really nice sensation. Slithery, I can actually swim thru the pile. I didn't know it before, but this is my favorite thing. Should be an Olympic event on it's own.
But enough about me and my beautiful playmates, on with this season's spoilers:
Oiled and Spoiled #1: Old Pornstache claims to be on Twitter. Because, of course, is a Twit. (To easy? Yeah that was pretty easy).
Oiled and Spoiled #2: There is a protest line back at Production camp of Baby Boomers claiming that both tribes are self-indulgent imposters, and behind them another line of WWII Vets claiming that they are the greatest generation. Finally, there are tremors centered on Cemeteries from the 1776 era and the 1860 eras caused by real American Heroes rolling over in protest.
Oiled and Spoiled #3: Dave. Could become a narrator this season if he wasn't such a great target. He has a long road to spiritual growth ahead of him, as well as a lot of hours on a psychologists couch after the show. He spent 16 years learning to be a writer. That tells me that he is an amazingly persistent no talent writer. I'm going to leave the subject of Dave alone for now, but I hope he lasts because lampooning him is gonna be fun.
Oiled and Spoiled #4: Btw, I hate the millennials (you probably guessed by now). I hope they lose at Survivor 33 as pitifully as they will in real life. 18yo Will? I hate him the worst, but I am reassured that anyone who thinks that they don't need education or experience to succeed is guaranteed a beat down life and a seat in any soup kitchen. Such are the rewards of hubris.
Oiled and Spoiled #5: Mari. "We are the best generation ever!" referring to the millennials. Watching them is like watching kittens play, so naïve, so cute. So sweet meat for a Gen X hawk.
Oiled and Spoiled #6: Most entertaining entity this week was the cyclone.
Tribe, Oh Tribe, wherefore art thou, Tribe? Hast thou abandonth usuth, Oh Tribe?