LAST EDITED ON 05-05-16 AT 11:20 AM (EST)
Since we last met, back when I was complaining (I know, I know, and I’m sorry about that, I’m usually a “What me Worry?” kinda of guy, or I try to be, but sometimes the barest hint of an out of context but maybe slightly negative reference does escape my lips) about my troubles trying to expand my hobo shack (it only has the barest essentials, a wet bar, a man cave theater room, a bedroom with a rotating bed and a panoramic oceanic view, and a – well, we call it a galley in line with the overall nautical theme of the shack décor – a five star gourmet kitchen), I did manage to tack on a building extension in which I installed a karaoke stage and a bank of Margarita machines.
So, here I am, ToTangGondolwattleChanLoMan (Bill to my tongue-tied friends), and all is well. My view from my usual position on the floor up to the underside of the tables is fine. Just fine. I should try to stand up but when I do the world tilts (the nautical theme, remember?) and I fall down again. Rather than risk another round of mal-de-mer (by now you can understand why incorporating the ocean theme into my new addition is so appropriate), I decided to just stay down near the puke bucket and run tubing from the Margarita machine to the floor. After all, that was the only reason I wanted to get up anyway.
Hence, the big announcement:
You are all here today to participate in the grand opening of the Really Really Raunchy Karaoke Room. You’ve all been invited, and we have a celebrity. That’s right, Mark the Chicken is on hand to cut/peck the ribbon. She has also promised to be a little less pushy and not crap on the stage. That last was at my insistence since I am on floor patrol, and chicken crap is just ooky.
Now I introduce to you the world famous chicken, Mark - Yes, that famous chicken, the one from Survivor – she’s the one and only, and she’s graciously volunteered to be the first to try her talon at the mike.
Here she is, rendering a song she wrote herself. She’s a bit musically challenged because she only squawks in a one note key, but I think you’ll agree with me that she has real talent;
♪ The Kentucky Colonel is a freak,
He eats chicken when he should eat steak,
He also dreams of chicken thighs♪
♫ It makes his pathetic little wiener rise,
(searing guitar filler lick)
♪Oh he’s a freak, he’s a freak,
He’s a little D**less wonder of a freak,
♫My eyes are up here stop staring at my breasts,
Or I’ll peck you from pecker up to your chest. ♫
(It goes on from there, but I have to turn our attention to spoiler business. We have air time to sell and we must keep the Sponsors happy.)
While maintaining my vigilance of the underside of the Karaoke Room tables and making sure the floor remains flat and occasionally contributing to the tip jar (read, puke bucket), I received this week’s spoilers via a band of Army ants that I recently recruited. They also clean up Mark’s Chicken crap. Well, at least ants are better than flies. They march in such neat little lines.
Army Ant Parade Spoiler #1: While the gang is at TC booting Julia, Mark instigates a coop
(Aside: See? I could have said coup instead of coop (as in chicken coop), but that would have been blah, not humorous, and I don't like blah. And I could have left it for you to get and chuckle over, but it's too subtle for this crowd and no one would have gotten it. So I have to take a moment to mention it. Now, on with the show.)
and takes over camp. When they return she begins issuing orders from her throne/roost hammock. She appoints Joe as head fireman, puts Cyd on coconut chewing duty, elevates Tai to captain of the Grub squad, names Aubry minister of the think and ponder committee, and appoints Jason to serve as the petulant pouting person.
Order has come to Camp Dara.
Army Ant Parade Spoiler #2: Jason tips us off as to his talent for talking to people. That’s what he does in real life, and that’s what he’ll do on the island. And of course, that works so well for him that he gets booted. Ha Ha!
Army Ant Parade Spoiler #3: Tai thinks Michele is the most rounded person left on the island. In spite of the physical attrition they all have endured, I have to agree.
Army Ant Parade Spoiler #4: Jason isn’t happy that the others aren’t playing with him anymore. It’s kinda like they shoved him into a locker.
Army Ant Parade Spoiler #5: The Reward challenge is a floating maze. I’m glad I have my tip jar-bucket handy.
Army Ant Parade Spoiler #6: The rescue animal that they met as part of their reward, an elephant, was named Lucky.
Lucky seemed at the time to be a very appropriate name for an rescued orphan elephant. Indeed, it seemed to be an appropriate theme to use for naming other rescues. Appropriate, but as it turned out, short sighted. They soon ran out of names like Lucky to use for the other fortunate animals that they rescued, and are now down to naming the latest foundlings “Fortunate Son Sammy”, “Not Eaten by Lions Louie”, “Eula The Undigested”, “Henry Who Hasn’t Had a Stroke Yet”, “We’ll let it live Willy”, “It’s just too dam fast Marty” and “Doesn’t taste good in a casserole Gene”.
Army Ant Parade Spoiler #7: Michele will reveal that Jason has a split personality. There’s 'nice' Jason who likes animals, and 'not nice' Jason who likes hatchets and machetes. Not much sleep for anyone in that camp at night.
Army Ant Parade Spoiler #8: A national security reveal: Quantico doesn’t count off for spelling. Apparently.
Army Ant Parade Spoiler #9: Best line of the evening; Cyd, “It’s Tai’s way or the Highway”.
Tribe dreams that sig-pics are eating his face at night.