LAST EDITED ON 03-18-16 AT 08:34 AM (EST)
Bluff Your Flops sounds vaguely like Poker Player lingo. But that’s what I thought I heard, being into the second half of the third Mason Jar of Moonshine as I was. But no, it was Jeffy-pop’s infamous, “Drop you buffs”. When he said that I knew I was going to drain a few more Mason Jars before the night was through.
So, here we are again to discuss this week’s spoilers, those little nuggets of sustenance we’ve become so addicted to and that make life worth living, and without which we’d have no reason to get up in the morning except to empty the medicine cabinet and slink off into that sweet endless sleep.
But not this week.
Let’s not do that, because once again I - call me Bill (my mother still calls me ToTangGondolwattleChanLoMan) - am here to brighten your day with spoilers like you ain’t never seen before. I say that every week, and what’d ya know? I’m right every week. “The Worldwide Committee on Stuff I Say Being Right” (I am the head Judge on that committee, so I know of whence I speak. And the Coconut Gallery always backs me up, even when I have to tell them how to vote) is never wrong.
These spoilers are obtained using admittedly nefarious methods, but the
victims confidential informants all end up with smiles as wide as the Mississippi and very little short term memory. (God bless Rohypnol. God Bless Waterboarding. God Bless the Honey Pot con).
Anyway, as is getting to be the case more and more often, I’m all alone again. Naturally. In gathering these spoilers I’m forced to return to the good old days when I was just starting this business, before I founded the Really Really Raunchy Girls Finishing School of Sick Slick Serpentine Dancing and Naked Bungee Jumping, back when I had to invent the tricks of the trade because I needed to buy the basics, food, shelter, a loin cloth, etc. That was when I had it good, I just didn’t realize it at the time.
But, no time for nostalgia, because it’s kinda fun again in a back-to-basics way, notwithstanding a little arthritis in the knees. Can’t slither as slithery as I used to, but I can get the job done, by gum and by cracky, you little whippersnappers you. Why I remember when…(whack – that’s my editor using an old trick to get me back on the rails)
Ow, OK, OK, OK, so here’s what you can look forward to for next week. If you don’t visit that medicine cabinet before then. Which you shouldn’t do because just you might miss the hilarity to come.
Nefarious Spoiler #1: Buff are dropped, and just our luck Anna isn’t wearing her buff as a bra top. I probably can’t adequately describe the depths of my disappointment. So I’ll just internalize (sigh).
Nefarious Spoiler #2: The “Dribble Yer Buff shot” (that’s what Scot heard) announcement confounds Scot, who is seen smacking his forehead in befuddlement. But, Scot is easily befuddled, so that was to be expected.
Nefarious Spoiler #3: New teams are:
The Chinblow Tribe (the Orc squad, Orc God Debbie, First Sergeant Orc Jason, Female Orc (sex pointed out only because male orcs look like female orcs) Cyd, Self Designated Smart-ass Orc, Nick, and Neal, the Token Troll. Michele is the tribe’s token non-orc, and is kept around for when they get hungry.
The Gondolf Tribe – (Golum, Legolis, Frodo, Bilbo, Sam Gamgee, and the Fairy Queen - Aka Tai, Joe, Scot, Peter, Aubry and Anna.)
Nefarious Spoiler #4: Scot gains a little friend, Tai. Tai lost his Bromance with Caleb just when they were about to exchange rings, but never fear, there a reason Tai never complains. He now has a new friend with size 18 feet. He happy. He not complain.
Nefarious Spoiler #5: Lots of cockiness in the new camps.
- Nick once again identifies himself as the smartest person in the game.
- Jason looks at his new tribe and declares that he holds all the power.
- Scot thinks he’s has the power because he’s the only one who knows that both Jason and Tai have HIs. And this season there is power is holding two HIs. Recounting - Scot holds no HI’s (laying around camp does have its drawbacks, one of which is in the area of HI acquiring). And he thinks that Jason and Tai will save him if he gets in trouble at TC. That’s a form of cockiness we’re going to call being ScotCocky (Point of clarification - that's not how Tai would define ScotCocky).
- But no one – Nobody Nohow! - is as cocky as the little cockless diva, Debbie. Debbie is the Master of the Universe once again. New tribe? No problem. All she has to do is draw her new tribe mates into her web just as she did with her old tribe mates. They just don’t see her coming and lose total control over individual will when Debbie is in the house.
- Which, by the way, is her house as she makes clear when she invites her new tribe mates in with the graciousness of a New York Prima Hostess.
- Her 80lb chin ups are the envy of her new tribe who have no idea that are just another facet of her plan to intimidate. Unsaid comments are delivered with each chin-up split and twirl, “I am superior to you because Jeff put me on the Brain tribe and I am a physical threat as well as the Belle of the ball and The Master of the Universe and you will obey me. You cannot oppose me, you lack the will! Now, when I clap my hands you will squawk like a chicken.”
Nefarious Spoiler #6: Everyone really appreciates Tai for his competence around camp and his willingness to do everything for them and because he not only does all this without complaining, he is actually cheery and boosts everyone's spirits with his happy banter. So, naturally, everybody wants to boot him if they go to TC. They do not realize how glib he is and how he is able to sell coals in Newcastle. Once again, even though he’s at the top of everyone’s boot list, he talks them into booting the Boobalishous Anna. And I personally will never forgive him…wait, he’s talking again… OK, I forgive the little guy, he's just so cute.
Nefarious Spoiler #7: Julia is sent to Jeff’s private tent to be “consoled” by him, the camera crew, the challenge team, the caterers, the guys in charge of garbage, and the Island mascots. Even the EPMB helicopters in to “Console” Julia on her solitary confinement. She is a naïve 18 year old girl in a woman’s body, and needs constant “consoling”.
Afterward she is taken to the old Brawn tribe beach where she has to sleep for two days to recover from all this "consolation". Naturally, Jeff has to visit her a few more times to make sure she is sufficiently “consoled” and will sign a waiver so he can to avoid prosecution. He says it's in his contract that he gets to do this, but his lawyers advise him to get the waiver signed anyway.
And she learns to enjoy Jeffs passion for surf board sex. Happy ending.
Nefarious Spoiler #8: No one will target Joe on his new tribe. Joe has no social game, Joe is old and slow and hurts their chances to win challenges, and Joe has a bad attitude around camp and is short and surly with his new tribe mates. But makes up for all that with his lack of any semblance of a social game.
So no-one targets Joe. My theory, he's their drug dealer. Or is holding their children for ransom.
Tribe dropped this nepharious buff on me. If you want a similarly nepharious Sig, go to the Be the survivor Sign up thread and steal one.