I am all of these. Yet I am none of these. Who am I...?
More importantly, who the hell are these guys? Actually we know who they are. They go all the way back to the Survivor Stone age, before the invention of fire, before Moses told us how to live our lives (that old busybody), and when dinosaurs roamed the earth. OK, maybe that was an exaggeration, but it they do go way way back.
I know all their names
And I hate them all. Except Monica. In a season in which the producers are actually experimenting with not casting models and beach bunnies, she is a welcome sight to these chauvinistic eyes.
This is the sad season of the old and fat. By the last week they will be able to hide coconuts in the folds of their extra belly skin. Will not be pretty.
Spoiler alert. Here are the latest and greatest casting spoilers you never heard of.
Kelly Wigglesworth. Lost to Richard Hatch. And itís been eating her like a slow acid drip in her stomach. ďRichard went to jail. Sue rots in hell. So what did I do wrong? How did those guys beat me?Ē
Kelley is holding up pretty well for an 80 pluser.
Tasha. In a predominately Buddhist country, Tasha thinks her Christian church support is her main asset. Sheís going to lose, and probably be disappeared. Rumor has it that there are still human sacrificial altars for heretics in the jungle amidst the vast grave yards of the old Khmer Rouge. No, she will not end well.
Also, did she not learn that a fundamental requirement for surviving on Survivor is doing some swimming laps before the show? Lots of them. Distances in the ocean are a lot longer than they are in your backyard pool.
Andrew: How long will that dye job hold up?
Kimmi. Still a vegi freak. A jelly belly Vegi freak. Obviously she could benefit from a diversion in her diet from those vegi carbs to a protein based diet. Like, you know, red meat? And Kimmi, a belly button piercing does not make that dewlap at your waist any easier to look at.
Ciera. Still a little snot. And probably still a mother back stabber.
Abi. Chunkier, as are they all. And like everyone else, sheís older, more mature, she has learned a lot of life lessons, she realizes what she did wrong last time, and this time she will focus on whatís important to her strategy and avoid all the mistakes she made before. (Ommmph, snotspray, smirch, laff, laff). Of course the first thing she does is accuse Pee Gee of stealing her worthless bracelet, and complain about it to everyone in her tribe. Which, of course gets her to one vote of being the first eviction. Well, maybe next time, Abi.
Vytas. Already down to his underwear on the raft on his way into the beach. The old package on display for the ladies. Still Smarmy (thanks for that, Shirin), still the self-deluded ladiesí man, and still the self-proclaimed superior brother who just canít seem to beat Aras at anything.
Vytas, hereís one fact. Aras is the handsomer, smarter, more gifted and more deserving brother. Hereís another, you werenít voted off because everyone thought you were a big threat. They just didnít like you, Vytas. You be slimy.
He offered to instruct his tribe in yoga exercises in order to show off his package. Was not well received, it seems, by a tribe that is amazingly perceptive for this show.
Iím going to take a moment to thank the Survivor Gods for getting him off my beach.
Joe. Also has been instructing his tribe in Yoga exercises. Joega. And gets a very different reception by the women in his tribe. Stay tuned for the AfterDark videos to see just how well he does.
Keith. Keith (spit) donít want to do nothiní stupid this time (spit). But he (spit) just donít get along with them beach (spit) people. He just wants (spit) to get up, drink his coffee in the morning, and go to work, like a normal feller would (spit).
Fishback. Fish out of water. Watching him wrestle that branch was like watching a Daffy Duck cartoon.
Shirin. Has kept her britches on. Not too annoying yet. But is a little annoying. Saving grace so far is her observation of Vytas around camp. Smarmy.
Kass. No chaos so far. Stay tuned, right now sheís just your background frond weaver, but I think sheís just warming up.