LAST EDITED ON 04-10-15 AT 09:04 AM (EST)
From the 60th floor of Survivor Island’s Rockefeller Plaza, and from the news desk of the CBN (Coconut Bob News) broadcasting system, it’s me, your anchor, Coconut Bob with the latest news and opinions from the Survivor Island forced labor camps. You’ll notice that I named the network after myself. Don’t hate.
My spies are all over the island gathering the latest and greatest spoilers and inside gossip. They are, as you’ve probably surmised, all undergraduates or graduates of the RRR R girls finishing school of magic, pick pocketing, and Moped thievery, and are like ghostly wraiths as they flit thru the shadows and slither through the sand gathering the information to thrill and amuse millions of fans with. Millions I tells ya!
This week we had a surprise visit from the Pope, it seems that word on our famed raunchiness and fun loving depravity had reached the Vatican and he felt that a trip to our little Isle of Funk-ville was in order. So the girls got to take time off of their regular surveillance, slithering, eavesdropping, kidnapping, extortion, village elder hoorahing (all the usual stuff) duties to entertain the Pope and his staff.
Apparently there is truth to the statement that 'Thy Holy Rod and Thy Holy Staff they comfort thee'. They certainly entertained my girls, I’ll tell you whut!
He laid a sacrament on them like you wouldn’t believe. And then he laid another. And another. And on and on. He’s an old man, no one expected him to go like he did, but he just kept laying that holy rod on them, and always accompanied with a sprinkling of holy water. I gotta find out where he gets that holy water!
So it’s been a whirlwind around here, but we still managed to, as usual, dig up all the best dirt and make the castaways weep with desire as they coughed up their innermost secrets and spilled their last beans. They were just quivering masses of ectoplasm when my girls were finished with them. Then they laughed at the pitiful masses, kicked sand in their faces, and made them say that they wanted more, please.
After the gathering came the delivering of the bounty of info to this desk by my pal Speedy Gonzales on his pet Iguana, Ralph.
Aye aye aye, arriba, arriba!
Holy Roller Spoiler #1: Mike, back at camp, began chiseling a monument to Jenn’s perfect play of the Hidden Idol. He is very aware that the HI has been misplayed (or mis-not-played) far more often than it’s been played well, and he wants to erect a statue to her.
But Rod blames Mike for Jenn doing that. The world is a strange place when viewed thru the eyes of Rod.
Holy Roller Spoiler #2: Speaking of Rod, the weekly spoilers would be incomplete without the latest from this mook, who we find fighting Will for last place in the latest challenges (watching Rod trying to figure out a Survivor puzzle is this week’s primary comic relief).
His latest declaration is; “Once Hali, Joe, Jenn and Shirin are gone, then the BC alliance will run the show”.
Really Rod? Once the entire opposing alliance is gone, your BC’s will run the show? Did you figure that out on your own? You didn’t need anyone’s help with that? Because an intricate conclusion like that sounds like Einstein, or something.
That’s just Rod, keeping it real (dumb).
Holy Roller Spoiler #3: Again, a cheap-ass reward. Zip lining. 30 seconds of semi-terror. Everything’s a blur, there’s nothing to see with your eyes shut, no scenery or wildlife (you’re way too terrified, and your screaming scares everything off anyway), you just hang on for a few seconds, and it’s over. At least they fed them afterward. Local soda-pop, complete with unfiltered sewage water and pesticides, I’ve heard.
Shirin. It shouldn’t be a surprise that Shirin has no brakes. Not on the Zip line, nor on her mouth. Or on her whistler (she’s a pro-whistler, you know. She said so). Apparently those hand signals were her own private (Idaho) code, and she was signaling that she was coming in hot. Oh well, so what if she knocks the camera man and the Zip master out of the tree, she got to show off how she can wig-wag her hands.
Holy Roller Spoiler #4: Flippers never win Dan? I hear the slapping of fins as a herd of sea lions are charging out of the surf at you to argue the point. They see themselves as winners, and are willing to sink a tusk in your butt to prove their point.
Holy Roller Spoiler #5: BTW, “No Kardashian Parking” signs are mysteriously popping up on the island every night. Apparently somebody don’t want none of that s**t.
Holy Roller Spoiler #6: FlowerPower had a great addition to the Survivors handbook for solving slider puzzles, and here’s another. When looking for the hidden immunity idol, just follow whoever the cameraman is following. They always get it right.