LAST EDITED ON 03-26-15 AT 03:24 PM (EST)
Live from New York, It’s Saturday Night Live!!!
No, it isn’t, that was just to throw the Federales off. Maybe they can catch a play or a baseball game, or something. Whatever. Now they’ll be searching the Big Apple while me (Coconut Bob here) and my girls (yes, in case you’re wondering, they are the very raunchy girls from the RRR R Girls finishing school of Pleasure and Pain) scour the Survivor Island and do what needs to be done to collect the very latest spoilers with the most insane inside information that the world has ever seen. Is that bragging? Yes, it is. For good reason. My girls are the slyest, slinkiest, sneakiest, and sexiest little spoiler patrol around, and they deserve to be bragged on.
Anyway, after a good Vespa run up to Sturgis, and after hoorahing a few villages on the way, they found time to scrape up some gooky spoiler info for this week, and send it via Turtle Express to me.
And so, I present it to you.
Turtle Express Spoiler #1 The next Survivor season will feature three tribes again. After the success of police type people in the last few seasons, they decided to make that aspect of society a feature, so the tribes that will compete will be the Lawyers, the Cops, and the Crooks.
The EPMB was the first recruit for the Crooks tribe, but he decided that it would disrupt the spa days that he had planned, as well as the penis enhancement surgery scheduled for that time. The piercing ‘down there’ had begun to itch and turn red, and Roma was insisting that something had to be done.
And you know what? After that little but very romantic liaison Roma and I had while he was away, I’m actually a little put out. When we were together it was all “I love you”, and “You’re the best I’ve ever had’, “I’ve never seen one that big before”, and stuff like that, but now she returns to EPMB? I mean, in reality it’s no real loss, I still have my girls and each one puts Roma to shame in every way possible, but still, it hurts down deep inside. I'm human, and I do have feelings, after all. Rejection hurts.
Besides, it really would be more appropriate for him to wait until they have a season of Snakes, Lowlifes, and Scumbags with infected penises.
Turtle Express Spoiler #2 Once again, the maxim that is at the heart of the lessons from Survivor is proven and re-proven. “Do not get comfortable at TC”.
Hasta la Vista Max.
Hasta la Vista Joaquim.
Turtle Express Spoiler #3 Shirin asks the eternal question “What do I have to change about me?”
Well, Shirin, I'm glad you asked. You came to the right place to ask that question. It’s easy, and here it is for free: If you don’t mean business, pull up your panties.
And you could just shut your mouth. That’s for free too.
Turtle Express Spoiler #4 I guess we should have known, he does have that drunken bible verse tattoo on his back, but it turns out that Mike doesn’t drink, have sex, or party. He claims.
And he’s from Texas, and works in the oil field. So it’s quite obvious that lying isn’t one of his taboos. And this actually may be his salvation in this game.
Mike, the Saint of Lying SOBs.
Turtle Express Spoiler #5 Now to the comic relief. Rod. Sees himself as destined to be the one to win this season (pause for laughter. Done yet? No? We can wait).
He sees himself throwing his arms up at the end like his hero Rocky Balboa. Did anyone not guess that Rocky Balboa would be his hero? Anyone? Anyone?
More? You want more? You think the producers and editors don’t have a sense of humor? Here goes.
<Rod>“They think I’m dumb. But wait till they see what I got planned for this game!” Then watch whatever idiot pinhead plan he had for the game go out the window after the very next TC, as well as his bromance. Hasta la Vista Rod’s plans. They do think you're dumb, and for good reason. You are really really dumb.
BTW, Did anyone notice that my new girlfriend Jenn quoted me? “Rod's just a tool!”
Me and Jenn, we’re tight.
Turtle Express Spoiler #6 What? Are you serious? The reward is staying awake all night to watch turtles? No Spa days? No waterfall days? Just turtles? (Alright they did throw in beef stew and mac and cheese. That was probably so that the producers could watch shrunken stomachs regurgitate uncontrollably. For them it’s a betting game for distance. The mix of beef stew and Mac and cheese was not pretty, though).
Claps to the producers for a devising reward that served to protect endangered turtle reproduction for one night. (yeah, right, one stinking night. They deserve a big old wild life conservation star for one stinking night).
Slaps to Jeff’s personal chef for the turtle egg omelets he’s been serving to the crew.
Turtle Express Spoiler #7 In the challenge, Will pulled up the rear. For some reason that seems to be worth remarking on.
Turtle Express Spoiler #8 Uncredited; The midgets (What? PC? Ok, height challenged? Little people? Runts?) with the flags behind the sling shot targets. They did a remarkable job and deserve mentioning. Those flags were promptly raised, smartly shown, and crisply waved. Kudos, down there.
Turtle Express Spoiler #9 Old news, all over again. Once again, Dan’s version of an apology is “I’m sorry, but…”.
Dan is indeed sorry, but not in the way that he thinks. He’s just a sorry, sorry excuse for a fat man.