LAST EDITED ON 10-02-14 AT 11:24 AM (EST)
Hi. I’m swinging from the treetops this week, because that’s where the spoilers are. We, and by we I am including myself, Breast Mode Spoiler, spent the last week looking down on the latest bunch of miserable excuses to be admitted into the exclusive ranks of Survivor contestants. It should be an honor, but for the most part it seems that it’s just a joke. A prank pulled on the viewing audience who tune thinking they are going to get Denise type brilliance, or Cochran humor, or at maybe Keystone cops antics. Or at least someone throwing rice in the fire.
But no. We don’t get that. We get bigotry, we get self-delusion, and we get Probst out-haggling an entire tribe. But we’ll get to that later. Right now I want to complain about the Howlers trying to hog the best branches, and then complaining (Yeah, they think I don’t know what they are saying in their monkey-hoot-talk language, but I bought the Rosetta Stone tapes, and I know snarky bully boy Monkey taunting when I hear it) about it when they get bounced.
<We can taunt too> “Hey you hairy faced sore losers, get off the branch and do a push up, why don’t cha!”
They try to push past my girls to get front row seats, then complain (loudly) when they get TaeKwonDo’d on their hairless butts. Remember, these are the Really Really Raunchy Girl Graduates of the Really Really Really Raunchy Girls finishing School of Survivor Spying, Vespa Repair, and Hurrahing Small villages (no doubt you’ve heard of them?). And they all have pink polka dotted belts in martial arts. You don’t just elbow them aside to get to the front row in anything. They’ve dealt with similar bullies during countless orgies, pelting dead fish pillory parties of village elders, and crowds of excited RTVW viewers wanting to get in on poking sharp sticks at the old EPMB parties. So a tree full of monkeys is not a challenge. But my girls expect me to lodge an official complaint, so I do.
And you expect the latest, greatest, and most accurate spoilers in all of Spoilerdom, and here they are. Get ready to have your head exploded.
Breast Mode Spoiler #1: There will be a Clash of Titans Immunity Challenge. Two bald Geezer titans will die of heart attacks while making faces at each other from behind the security of fluffy pillows. You won’t want to miss this.
Breast Mode Spoiler would be remiss if he did not mention that there will also be several Clashes of TITians. Of the breastular kind. Although, surprisingly, the Survivor with the most padding, Julie, is picked to sit out. Did they not realize that although she may have super bad judgment in boyfriend picking, and very few talents besides, that she does have that one (two?) advantage? Go figure.
And he would be not forthcoming if he did not admit to a surge of tightness in his pantaloons each time Jacklyn felt up her breasts. (Hey, they don’t call me Breast Mode for nothing!). She knows how to make Survivor fun again.
Breast Mode Spoiler #2: Josh does his best to explain to Baylor the big favor he did for her by voting to evict her. Josh also said that just for her, and he would not do this for just anyone, he would find her house and burn it down. That’s how far he was willing to go to help her in life. Oh yeah, and he would throw in kicking her new puppy too. Because, you know, they are friends and allies, and he’s trying to help her all he can.
Gotta love the guy. Or not.
Breast Mode Spoiler #3: Another Josh Bulletin: He admits that he really wants to be used by John Rocker. The ultimate optimist.
Breast Mode Spoiler #4: Jeremy will share the HI clue with John Rocker, and John Rocker will play dumb back at camp and deny any understanding of what it meant. And we discover that Rocker does have a non-baseball talent. Acting dumb. Emmy nom.s, here we come.
Breast Mode Spoiler #5: The case of who’s at fault is being heard in Judge Judy’s court. Is it the guy who lost the flint thus making fire harder to get? Or the women who gave up endless fish (strength building protein) dinners? Judge Judy told them to all shut up, grow wieners (metaphorically), and they should just get the heck (she didn't say heck) out of her courtroom with such a silly case, it was her nap time. Judge Judy don’t take no crap, you see.
Breast Mode Spoiler #6: Exile Island Challenge will pit Botox lips vs Rocker. Rocker gets beat by a girl. A little, soft, weak girl. Ha Ha! So he has to go the Exile island. (repeat) Ha Ha!
Trouble is that Rocker will have to ride the San Juan del Sur subway sitting between a black man and a foreigner in a seat that was probably occupied by a person with AIDS. Life does have its little twists, eh John?
Breast Mode Spoiler #7: At TC, Val will talk herself into being the evictee by spilling her guts and telling other survivors just what she thinks of them. Not a spoiler, this is business as usual due to the sharp interrogations by Probst that begin with:
“Well, let’s see, who wants to shoot themself in the foot today? Val, you go first.”
“Jeff, I want to state that I will kick Baylor’s butt, I hate her and she said some mean things to me. BTW, I have two hidden idols, so Jeff, I dare them to vote me out. Go ahead, I dare you, you bunch of wimp assed crackers, just try and vote me out. You don’t have the Guts!!!.”
And those wimp assed crackers voted her out.
Tribe puts me in my happy place.