LAST EDITED ON 05-22-14 AT 12:02 PM (EST)
Boo Hoo, Woo.
Finally, we are at the end of another season of Survivor. And it was just the best Survivor season in history (ask Jeffy). It was so fun. And I just want to say, “Woo Woo Woo, what did you do?” After proclaiming that you were in it for the money, and how much it would mean for you and your family to win, you gave it away. “Woo Woo Woo, what did you do? “
Anyway, for this last episode, since the producers were catching on to some of the spy tricks that my Really Really Really Raunchy Girl graduates of the (you guessed it) RRRR Girl Finishing school had been using, they came up with a different approach. They employed their unique talents at mimicry and donned lizard suits so that they could creep into various camps and tents to listen in on all conversations. They were in Jeff’s private tent too, but those tales will be on a video to be sold in a brown wrapper under my private label. Hint, he wears a Satyr’s outfit for his fun. Anyway, you probably saw them without realizing what you were looking at. I mean, did you really think that that many different species of lizard could exist on one island? Ha. No. It was my girls. And those were their real flicking tongues (another unique talent they possess).
Anyway they wanted me to express their pleasure at being able to bring you spoilers this season, and to reassure you that they are all accurate, and not just made up by me. They are the real deal, the genuine article, and never photo shopped.
As soon as they got a spoiler, they would get a beach crab to grasp it in its claws and scurry to a centralized communication tree and give it an group of orangutans who would then deliver it to me via tree vine express. It was usually damp and somewhat punctured by the crab claws, but readable. Well, I may have had to interpret them a little.
Tree Vine Express Spoiler #1: Jiffy will be at his Hollywood windblown bouffant hair best for the final TC. And is he really as tiny as he appeared to be beside Tyler Perry?
Tree Vine Express Spoiler #2: Spoiler alert! Spoiler alert! Kass is married. To a man. There was a lot of speculation about both of these items, but it is true. Unless her husband is about the butchest woman alive.
Tree Vine Express Spoiler #3: To be fair to Woo, he had the option of taking a lawyer very adept at presenting convincing arguments to a jury to F2, or taking one of the best BS artists in Survivor history. He chose the BS artist and lost. Woofully sad.
Tree Vine Express Spoiler #4: BTW, Tony’s wife and Baby are going to hell, along with three generations of descendants. Tony did manage to save his Great-Great-Great-Great Grandmother’s sister’s (who lived in ancient Macedonia) life for the final argument for Woo to convince him to take him to F2.
Tree Vine Express Spoiler #5: Kass is a brain dead weasel. That is all.
Tree Vine Express Spoiler #6: In the end, Tony has the fatal bluff. His Queen (F4 idol) fakes Spencer’s Bishop out of his robes. Spencer’s chess club buddies are very disappointed.
Tree Vine Express Spoiler #7: You are hearing it here first. Spencer will be back. He will be Jeff’s favorite and tent cuddle mate. So expect an excess of puzzle challenges, and expect Jeff to slip Spencer some spare black rocks. The odds are very good that Kass and Tony will grace the stage again in the future, too.
Tree Vine Express Spoiler #8: Next Season “Blood vs. Water”. And maybe this time they will explain why one tribe is water.
Tribe strikes again
(Thank you thanks you all for your continuous and very generous support)