Last week on Survivor
Blah, blah, blah - Shamar’s cornea revolted and got him pulled from the game and Laura gets voted out just because she is weak and useless at challenges. What were they thinking? What a stupid boot choice! /sarcasm font.
Onto the episode!
Persona Muy Grating
In honour of Phillip who coined tonight’s episode title, I will give code names to some of the castaways (mainly because I really don’t care about most of them yet to learn their real names).
To start the codename fest Phillip - I shall call you Captain Underpants!
GOTCHA! night 10
Everyone is congratulating themselves except for Sherri-not-SandraBullock (Come on, you had to see the resemblance too!)
Matt (who I have now christened Gloin from LOTR)
asks Sherri-not-Sandra if she is fine. She replies she is. (A note to the guys, when most women say they are fine, they really are not.)
Sherri-not-Sandra is ticked they voted Laura off and went against their alliance of the weak. Since watching a self-emollition of a tribe is really boring, I am glad the rest are voting strategically. And why is she ticked? They flushed the idol and unless Reynold gets another (spoiler alert) they still have the numbers to pick him off at any time.
Reynold makes lemonade out of lemons like no one I have seen. "Hey, the idol getting flushed out needlessly was actually a good thing! It caused bad boo-boo feelings among the other tribemates! " I wonder if Reynold is extremely optimistic or delusional. But I will not fault him for playing it – much better to play it early than play it too late.
CUE OPENING CREDITS!
Meanwhile, on Bickers, Brandon is
starting continuing to unravel. I know he wants to be called Honey Badger, but with his obsession with peeing on/in everything in sight, he shall be known to me as “Golden Shower Boy (GSB)”. He yammers about his family and offers to be voted out at tribal. And then he does a 180 and everything is sunshine and roses and unicorns farting out rainbows. I am not a psychiatrist, but I suspected the phrase “Better life through chemistry” would really help with Brandon’s manic tendencies. (Just a hunch!) As Corrine stated. “He’s loco!”
Brandon then says "You are going to see the most intense Brandon you’ve seen thus far and it’s going to be awesome. I’m freaking myself out, I don’t know what I’m going to do.” Yes, Brandon, you are also freaking me out. Why do I get chills? Could this be foreshadowing? Stay tuned and find out!
(And a horrible thought occurred to me. Brandon has reproduced. Which means we can look forward to more Hanz fun with his kids in the 43rd installment of Survivor.)
It’s time for reward and even though one member of the Qwerty viewing household is relieved it is not another damned puzzle (maybe that was Laura’s forte), it means Gotcha! is screwed.
It’s a pretty simple set up. Two members from each tribe hold up nets via rope, really rough looking rope and members from the other tribe toss coconuts in the net until the load is so heavy the rope slides through the holder’s hands, macerating them until they look like raw hamburger. The winning tribe get booze, beef, generic (not Heinz) condiments and veggies.
Gotcha! has Michael and Gloin and GSB while Captain Underpants man the nets for Bickers. Did you notice our boy Cochrane stepping up even when Phil was going to sit him out? *SNIFF!* I am so proud! (I was going to name Cochrane Tin Tin for the unnatural things that happened with the sweater vest last time he was on, but then I saw Devin Velez on American Idol)
Anyway, Captain Underpants throws jinxes at the Gotcha! throwers and surprisingly, it works. Maybe his training at Area 51 in alien mind control is paying off. Scary Sherri–not-Sandra and her eyelashes, once again prove they are useless in challenges. (Was her luxury item from home Covergirl maxilash?)
Gotcha! loads up GBS and the rope slips through his hands. I really thought he was going to have his Incredible Hulk moment there.
Gloin puts up a valiant effort and with blood vessels bursting left, right and center decides the aneurism isn’t worth it and drops the rope.
Captain Underpants outlasts Michael and against all odds Bickers wins reward. *eye roll*.
Eddie is depressed, Michael comes up with the brilliant idea that they need to try something new. Here’s an idea, how about winning?
Almost everyone is scrambling to find the hidden immunity idol. Sherri-not-Sandra is ticked they voted Laura off and still lost so logically, it would have been the same if they had kept Laura and their alliance of the weak intact. Ummmm, really? I hate to point out to Sherri-not-Sandra that she also really sucks at challenges. Oh, and you laugh of the nicknames, but did you notice that CBS got Michael and Matt mixed up? Yes, Matt screams “Event Planner” to me.
And despite everyone risking life and limb poking their hands in deep dark crevices, Reynold finds the idol again.
steal borrow from Kingfish.
(Reynold, after finding the HI) “This time I’m not gonna tell nobody, no how, no way. Gonna zip the lip this time, ain’t gonna tell nobody. Nobody! None! Nada! Ninguno! Do you hear me? Nobody! Uh Uh! A big Nosiree to that!” (Or words to that effect.)”
And since Laura is no longer there intently studying his crotch, he actually has a really good chance of keeping it hidden.
Of course he runs over to tell his bud Eddie. I wonder what would happen if someone actually kept the hidden immunity idol, well--here’s a radical thought, hidden.
CUE THE WEATHER!
I guess it is rainy season, because it is raining so hard it looks like it is snowing. For a moment I thought is was snowing because here it is -18 C (about 0 F) and blowing snow for the last few days. At least Cochrane is not getting burnt to a crispy critter. Honestly, that kid is the only non-albino I know of that burns worse than I do.
Anyway Brandon’s eyes are getting scary crazy (according to Andrea)when Phillip takes credit for the win and is generally just being Phillip and the tribe thinks it’s a great idea to let Brandon handle a knife.
We get a very appetizing shot of Gotcha!’s waterlogged feet, and I now have a new appetite suppressant image. Eddie informs us he has a head cold. Gloin wants his mommy! And invokes his dwarf gods by wishing something good for his tribe.
Bickers day 13
Cue ominous music
Brandon has now dissociated from reality and is referring himself in the 3rd person. (Remember when Melissa Rycroft was dumped by Jason on national TV and she slipped into 3rd person mode “Melissa is not happy about this.”. I am surprised Jason didn’t find his car keyed or worse.)
He is keeping his tenuous grip on the here and now by stabbing ants and giggling maniacally. Phillip starts to broach the subject to Andrea about throwing the challenge to get rid of Brandon (I guess it is not paranoia if someone really is out to get you!) and after another interaction between Underpants and GBS, the minor key music swells, and GBS decides the best way to punish Phillip is to dump the rice and beans. Leif - I mean Erik (and I finally figured out why I want to call Erik Leif – check out this photo of Leif Garrett!)
tries to intervene and save the rice, but quickly realizes that GSB is too far gone and slowly backs away. All is not lost as the rest try to salvage the rice and beans. At least GSB didn’t ##### all over their food (that we know of). Maybe reward challenge will be a sieve to help shake out the sand.
On to Immunity Challenge.
A very nice looking challenge area with blocks and staircases.
Reynold (who proves he is inept at reading social cues) starts sucking up to Bickers by talking about the merge. Even if he’s not the greatest at reading body language, the background music played by the Survivor Orchestra should have clued him in that something was going down.
Jeff asked Brandon how he is doing (think Jiify was given a head's up?) and Brandon addresses the other tribe and begs them not to let Phillip win.
ReynoldClueless asked where Brandon was going and Corrine speaks on behalf of the Bickers and forfeits the challenge to go to Tribal Council. Reynold starts to clue in as Brandon freaks at Corrine.
Jeff, fulfilling his secret desires to be a psychologist, quickly removes Brandon from his tribe and keeps him within arm’s length. As Brandon rambles and berates Phillip (why do I get the impression Brandon was bullied as a child and an adult and this is really not about Phillip at all, annoying as he is?), Jeff goes from a single hand hold on Brandon’s neck and after unsuccessfully trying to execute the Vulcan nerve pinch holds Brandon back with two hands. After some neck massaging, Brandon submits to Jeff’s authority (or as Brandon would pronounce it “Arthurity”). GSB explains to the other tribe that he dumped the rice and beans to make everything equal. A sort of “if you can’t have it, no one will.” I am sure there is some way to blame this on Obamacare but I am too tired to try.
Reynold proves what a knob he is by asking Jeff to let go of homicidal Brandon who has just threatened Phillip’s life to raise his arms and proclaim that Gotcha! has won immunity. *BOGGLE!*Dork!
Jeff decides that they should have tribal council right then and there. Shock of shocks, Brandon gets the majority of the votes (except for his own which he loudly cast for PHILLIP!.
Jeff informs him that he is not going back to camp and sends him to cool off behind the canvas. Hands up – how many of you thought Brandon would make a final charge at Phillip? Me too.
I hope Survivor gets really good group rates on therapy because it looks like the surviving Bickers are going to need it.
Was it Reynold that said “a win is a win”? What a dipsh!t!
Next week on Survivor, Phillip and Corrine face off the powers that be decided to exorcise the bad vibes on both teams by switching things up.
ASIDE: OK, I am pissed off! It seems the same psychological screening firm that Big Brother uses is now doing the casting for Survivor.
Apparently, Brandon had gotten the all clear from the show’s psychologist to compete. SIGH. I guess I should be grateful that he targeted Phillip rather than one of the females who (just because they are pre-menopausal) are flaunting their bodies and trying to tempt him down the path of darkness (Check this out! http://community.realitytvworld.com/boards/DCForumID1/4300.shtml Like was mentioned, family dinners are going to be awkward.).
But hey, Phillip is uberannoying and Brandon had issues that maybe could not have been foreseen.
But I do have an issue with the casting of Shamar.
I can’t believe I am defending Shamar – DAMN YOU! MARK BURNETT!!!!, but come on! I don’t have a degree in psychology but even I am not dense enough to think that casting an Iraq war vet with anger management/PTSD issues on a high stress reality TV show would be a swell idea. And just to add to the hilarity, let’s throw in morbid obesity and a sudden severely restricted caloric intake. Nothing like mixing in hypoglycemia with its associated symptoms of fatigue, dizziness, unclear thinking and aggressiveness with someone who already has issues and is trained in violence. I guess the Gota tribe was lucky that Shamar’s lethargy made it hard for him to act out any homicidal tendencies.
Don’t get me wrong, I still think Shamar is messed up and an a$$hole, but I do get the symptoms of low blood sugar and I recognized some of what Shamar was going through. (Again DAMN YOU, MARK BURNETT!) I was shocked (and relieved) it was Shamar’s eye that got him booted from the game rather than a diabetic coma, a rage based rampage where someone else got hurt.
Well, I ‘ve rambled long enough, thanks for reading and Peace!