Hey everyone, time for another summary. Bet you couldn't wait could you? Well if anybody is still watching the terrible dreck I like to call "Big Bother 4: Julie Chen's X-Ceptionally Boring Adventure" I'd advise you to quit and just rely on the tacky summaries we've been putting on the basher board. Here's one of Tuesday's pitiful CBS production, which I like to call

Tuesday: You Deserve a Break from Big Brother Today (But You Aren't Getting One)

We start with a recap of last week's events. Jee wins HOH and the Power of Veto, essentially meaning whoever he puts up will be the 2 nominees, since only Alison is fickle enough to change her mind as to who she wants out of the house between now and then. Jee's winning ways and the fact he's condemned everybody (except him) to eat peanut butter and jelly all week haven't exactly made him popular, but I guess Jee hasn't learned from Dana that being a real jerk of an HOH tends to get you evicted pretty fast.

Anyway, there's a whole bunch of "suspense" before Jee–to the surprise of nobody who has watched even a second of this drivel–puts Jack and Erika up for eviction with the stated purpose of getting Erika out of the house. Erika is obviously concerned about this, but Alison tells Erika she has her back.. Alison also tells Erika she wants Jee to leave before Robert because he's "tearing through the house." Erika and Alison decide they need to team up against the guys.

At this point Alison approaches Jun to talk about who they want to evict. They decide they trust Jack more than Erika, but are worried that Jack is aligning himself with Jee.

Anyway, on to the best news of the day. Jun thinks she's dying! Sadly she's just upset that she and everybody but Jee are eating PB&J all week. On the "plus" side, Jun may lose a pound or two from all this, leaving her only seventy pounds overweight.

Suddenly in a surprise twist, the producers decide to junk the entire cast and bring back last year's! No actually, it's only Marcellas from Big Brother 3, who loves his gnome Boo almost as much as he loves Nathan's body. He's setting up gnomes all over the backyard as part of the Food Competition. Everybody has to put on ugly overalls for no particular reason I can detect. The game has hundreds of gnomes set up everywhere. The houseguest hamsters are excited to learn that Marcellas' 15 minutes of fame are almost but not quite up. The winner of the game gets one McDonald's meal a day for the rest of the week for him/herself and a guest, so as long as Jee doesn't win only 3 out of the 6 will have to eat peanut butter everyday (but if Jee wins all 5 of them will). The hamsters have to smash the gnomes, some of which contain gold tickets. Three gold tickets wins the game.

The hamsters have fun running around smashing the gnomes. Since Jee has won everything else this week, it's no surprise that he wins again, depriving all of the other houseguests of food other than PB&J yet again. In his own words, he's "like the Yankees," I assume because he's an arrogant egotistical jerk. Erika and the other girls are now extremely ticked off and vow to vote him out next week if they win the HOH. Jee, however, tells Robert that he is beating Erika at all the competitions because he has good karma and Erika has been acting like an @ss. Yep, when Erika turned down the veto because she didn't want to make the whole house eat peanut butter, I too said "That Erika. What an @ss!" But somehow I think Jee and I may be referring to different @sses.

Jee celebrates his first McDonald's meal with his guest Jack. They scarf the food down right in front of the girls. Smooth move Jack, way to alienate the people voting for you. After dinner Jack gets in the hot tub with Robert and Jee and they plan out how the three of them are going to win the game over the next few weeks. Jack is unconcerned, because he "knows" he's staying. HAHA. Meanwhile, the women also start getting ahead of themselves by vowing to vote out Jack, then Jee, then Robert.

On to a Luxury Competition. Everybody has to get "primal" by wearing the same skimpy outfits they always wear. Then they are required to engage in a ritual ceremony in the backyard in which they burn all of their ugly things, namely Erika's pink hat, Alison's white booty shorts, Robert's red tank top, all of Jun's clothes, and the picture of Dana still hanging on the wall. The "reward" for burning these items is that everybody gets to participate in a 90 second shopping spree the next day at which they generally buy even uglier things than they already own. Robert gets a terrible Versace shirt. Jee buys a heavy jacket and cashmere sweater, which will come in real handy in Southern California. Alison, who kind of needs to lay off the makeup, fashion critiques everybody, noting correctly that they gave Jun a bunch of "fat girl" dresses. Erika gets earrings with pictures of her Mom on them. I guess fashion is in the eye of the beholder.

Now comes the most anti-climactic part of the show: the power of veto. Since Jee won, the chances of him using the veto are nil. Jack still approaches Jee and tries to get him remove him and put Alison up instead, but of course it's all for naught. By the time of the nominations, neither Erika nor Jack even makes a speech to try to persuade Jee to keep them, and Jack even tells Jee it would be pretty stupid for him to change his picks. The nominations stand, and either Jack or Erika will be voted out on Wednesday. Alison breathes a sigh of relief, as she prepares to take control of the game by eliminating both sides and dragging Jun along to the finals to her ultimate (and tragic) victory.

That brings us to the hypnotically dull Live Show which I like to call

Wednesday: Hit the Road Jack

And since it's the Live Show, that means AAAAAAAA, it's another visit from Julie Chen. Why haven't the houseguests voted her out yet? Guess Les won't allow it. Once again she reminds us of the upcoming eviction for all the people who tuned in 45 seconds late and missed the voice over recap. Then she announces another shocking twist: somebody else will leave the house. Let's keep our fingers crossed and hope it's Julie!

Anyway, Julie points out that there are only 3 voters and that everybody knows Robert is going to try to vote out his Ex, Erika. So control rests with Alison, who as usual is playing both sides of the fence, sleeping with every man left in the house, and generally lying through her teeth.

We move on to clips of the hungry PB&J addicted houseguests. Erika asks Jack how she can be expected to be "cute and scheming" when she is so hungry. Jack immediately points out that since Erika is an anorexic twig with fake boobs she's not really cute and that since Erika has essentially been following other people's strategies the whole game, she isn't really scheming. But I think we can all agree that Erika is hungry since she has repeated it constantly for the last week, along with her hatred of Jee. The other houseguests also all complain in the diary room how much they hate Jee for winning the food competition and stealing McDonald's from all of them.

Now on to the night's required "Hallmark Moment," in which Erika tells Jack that he has spent more time with her than her own father and how much she looks up to him. Let's not point out to Erika that if her own father was offered $500,000 to spend eight weeks with her, he might do it too. Heck, even I'd do that. Of course, immediately after telling Jack how great he is, we see her plotting with Alison to stay in the house and get Jack evicted. Guess Erika doesn't like father figures much.

Of course since Alison is the obligatory "swinger vote" of the night that will create our heightened suspense as to who is going, we get to see her telling Erika and Jun she's going to vote Jack out and Robert and Jee that she's voting out Erika. In the diary room, Alison admits that she can't stand Erika and doesn't believe someone can be "beautiful, smart, and sweet" at the same time. Hey, Alison just because you fit into none of the above doesn't mean everybody does.

Jun and Erika both admit that they don't trust Alison at all but need her to survive. Idiot Jee meanwhile talks about how important Alison is to his alliance and how they trust her to play third fiddle the whole way through. Talk about clueless. Speaking of clueless, Jack is convinced he is going to stay and tells Erika how sad he is that she's going to go. Wow, this is going to be almost as fun as watching Michelle completely lose it when she got voted out!

Julie checks in with the houseguests. She taunts Jun with a piece of the fishnet top that was burned in the luxury competition, then she taunts Jee with cigarettes since he is out of smokes. Jee immediately apologizes to everybody for being rude to them because of his nicotine withdrawal (but not for making them eat peanut butter and stealing their McDonald's). Then Julie makes Jack and Erika tell each other how much they love each other and will miss each other when they are separated.

Ooh, now we get to see what Alison's boyfriend Donny thinks of the fact that Alison has slept with pretty much every male in the house. Alison's parents "Melinda and James" (I'm assuming these are fake names, Lord knows if I was one of Alison's parents I wouldn't want to be identified with her anymore) admit that Donny is not handling well the fact that Alison has fooled around in bed with Justin, Nathan, and David while they were in the house and will probably seduce Robert before all is said and done. Donny declares Alison to be the most deceptive person in the world and pretty much says that as soon as he sees her again he's going to beat the crap out of her and then show her to the door. Melinda and James think the relationship will survive Big Brother, but not for long, which seems to me shockingly optimistic.

Next Julie talks privately with Jee. Jee admits that he feels a little guilty putting everybody on PB&J, but says that he had to do it to keep power with his team. Julie lets him get by on that one but then asks about the McDonald's. Jee says he had to win that because otherwise Jack might have and then he would be stronger in the HOH competition. These response seem to ignore the fact that a) if Jee hadn't put everybody on PB&J there wouldn't have been a golden veto and the outcome would have been the same, b) even if somebody else had won the POV, he still could have nominated either Jun or Alison and kept himself and Robert in the game, and c) no matter how strong or weak Jack is, he's not going to win the HOH after Alison and Jun evict him later tonight. But Jee's always been a dimbulb, so we'll cut him some slack. Jee does finally show some strategic sense in admitting that while he'd like to take Robert to the Final 2, he might rather take Alison or Jun because he would blow them away in the jury vote. Again, I think Jee is getting ahead of himself, but what do I know?

Now it's time for a peek at "The Jury House." We get to watch Nathan and Dana surfing and jet skiing together in some of the cheesiest staged scenes I've ever seen. It's pretty obvious this is the first (and only) time the two of them have spoken in the last week. Then Justin arrives for a little booty call with Dana. First they watch the edited tape they get to see brought in by Justin. Dana rags on Erika for her nomination speech and all three of them laugh at Alison as she sucks up to Justin before his eviction. But for now, as Nathan admits, it will be Dana sucking up to Justin.

Time for the Live Vote. Jack and Erika get to make their last pleas to save themselves. Erika says she wants to stay. Jack tells them to vote strategically, which is odd since strategically it would be best to vote him out. Robert votes to evict Erika. Jun votes to evict Jack. Alison votes to evict Donny, but since that isn't allowed she switches to Jack, who seems rather shocked when Julie announces the decision. Not as shocked as Robert though, who looks like somebody just killed his puppy. Hey Robert, smile a little–at least you don't have to go be interviewed by Julie.

Julie points out to Jack that he never won a single competition. Jack claims he threw one, but really tried to win the rest. Julie, showing she's slightly better prepared for this interview than she has been for most, seems genuinely shocked to believe this, as well his claim that he had an actual strategy. Jack admits that he should have tried to get the Power of Veto, but foolishly relied on Robert, who claimed he was safe. (Hey Jack, remember when Robert told Michelle she was safe?) Everybody tells Jack how much they miss him in video clips. Robert will miss having somebody smart there, Alison will miss the smile and scent of a man, Jun will miss Jack's dirty jokes. And Erika will miss learning more about who shot Kennedy. (I don't make this stuff up...why bother when these guys give me so much material??)

On to the HOH competition. Julie admits she's been stealing things from the Big Brother house, and this will be the basis for the competition. Jee and Robert had noticed this and earlier searched the house for missing things. Then they foolishly told their "ally" Alison everything they saw gone. Alison of course, promptly told Erika and Jun, so this quiz competition is basically going to be a game of Fastest Finger. Eight questions, one point for each right answer. If you give a wrong answer, you are out. The person with the most questions right still in the game at the end wins.

Alison knows the X is missing; Jun picked the marbles and the rubber ducky; Erika gets the lid of the toilet; Robert then buzzes in on the 5th question and guesses "picture." When prompted by Julie to be more specific he says he can't. Rather than kick him out of the game as she clearly should, Julie decides to keep the suspense and the Dream Team alive by coaching him to specify which picture is missing, and he correctly states Amanda's. Jun is still in the lead with 2 points.

Erika then guesses the fish. Jun correctly gets the yellow dining room chair, giving her 3 points. This officially eliminates Alison and Robert from the game. The last question asks what items were returned. Erika buzzes in to guess the clock, but can't remember the other one, making Jun the winner. Erika and Alison both scream and hug her, while shouting "Girl Power!" and "Spice Up Your Life!". Jee looks distraught as he hands over the HOH, while Robert sits in the corner and pouts.

Julie now announces there will be a new twist involving Jun. In response to Julie's question, Jun says she is really excited and looking forward to things from home. Julie then tells Jun to go to the diary room to hear a secret. Then she's kicked out of the house. Sadly this isn't an eviction for gaining too much weight or being incredibly boring, instead Jun gets a limousine ride to fly to New York City and go to the MTV Music Video awards. Jun walks out of the diary room blindfolded, while the other hamsters sit and wait for her to return. Ha ha! Joke's on them.

Actually the real joke is on all of us who tuned in for Friday's show, one of the most boring bits of TV I like to call

Friday: Who Cares Where Jun Is?

We start Friday's show with Jee and Robert complaining that Erika is still there. Alison rejoices that she has limited the power of Robert and Jee. Erika admits she was sad to see Jack go but she did what she had to do. Robert won't even speak to Alison. He can't stand the "evil girls" and wants to "take all the b!thces out." Robert is sad that the big scumbags (or shallow, slutty whores as he calls them) always win the game. Yeah, that Eddie from Big Brother 1 beating out Erika's lover–man, what a scumbag was he. And Lisa, she was pretty evil too, how did she beat sweet innocent little Danielle? He's convinced that the deck is stacked against him. Poor Robert, life's so tough when you're a celebrity wannabe. Robert even tells Jee he won't be in the same room with them and won't eat Jun's cooking. Hey Robert, considering you run a restaurant, how come we never see you cooking? Jee, in the understatement of the century, says he thinks Robert has some anger towards women.

Alison is excited that Jun won HOH because of her hidden alliance with her. But the men are still confident that they can win the Power of Veto and save themselves. A brief flashback to Jun entering the Diary Room and not coming out. For 30 minutes, the other 4 hamsters wander around and wonder what Jun is up to. Finally, Alison using her expert sleuthing skills, goes in and discovers that Jun is missing. Ooh, the mystery is on. Now we get to spend most of the next 45 minutes watching the hamsters wonder where Jun is and playing a dumbed down version of Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego. They think she probably took a bribe to leave the house and is going to make them eat peanut butter and jelly for another week.

But finally the hamsters get a clue. It's a big plastic apple in the backyard next to an old bell and it's the center of the veto competition. As Erika explains (in another quote I'm really not making up) "There was a big apple in the backyard with a picture of Jun and a sign that said missing, and I figured it out. Jun's missing." Move over Sherlock Holmes, there's a new sleuth in town. Anyway, the point of the veto competition is that the hamsters will get 3 clues as to where Jun is. As soon as they figure it out, they have to ring the bell, go to the diary room and write down their guess. The first person to guess right, wins. Although it is completely obvious that "The Big Apple" means New York, the hamsters immediately discount this possibility for some bizarre reason. Alison and Erika team up to brainstorm. Robert thinks maybe "apple" means winery. That's some strange wine you drink Robert. Erika thinks the apple means the "New York, New York" casino in Vegas. Alison thinks the apple may mean Washington, the Apple state. Alison, despite dating a football player, also guesses that maybe the apple relates to Monday Night Football, which for everybody playing at home doesn't start until September 8. (And as another digression is on ABC, which makes it unlikely that CBS is going to take her there).

Now we get to listen to the hamsters talk about what they would spend the money on. Erika wants to get a house for her mom, Jee wants to take care of his family. Robert, who as we recall represents the force of good against the "Evil women" wants a Porsche just like his attorney has and "another Rolex." Alison, who is clearly living in a dream world or spent too much time as a child watching Can't Buy Me Love, wants to use the money to buy a happy life with Donny. Maybe she should start by paying for STD testing for herself, Nathan, David, and Justin.

Time for another food competition, yep that's the second of the week. First we are reminded that Jee put the whole house on PB&J last week, claimed he would eat PB&J with everybody else, and then went back on his word by chowing down on everything in sight. The Food Competition is in the ballroom, which is filled with hundreds of balls, some of which have food items written on them. Every one they can find in 5 minutes and put in a tube in alphabetical order, they win. The houseguests work together by sorting the balls. Erika gets assigned the task of putting them in, even though she confesses she's "not very good at the alphabet." They manage to get up to the T's before time runs out and end up with some cola, lasagna, dip and a huge assortment of fish. They also get Brie cheese. Neither Alison nor Jee knows what that is, so they will be getting cheese lessons from Amy of Big Brother 3 for the next week. Afterwards, Alison has more fun in a roomful of balls than she has since that last frat party in college.

That night Alison apologizes to Robert and Jee and confesses that she doesn't think she can beat anybody left in the house with the jury. Robert disagrees, but Jee thinks Alison has way too many enemies: including Dana and Nathan. Alison still says she's proud of the way she's played the game, and claims she's played way better than Erika and Jun. Let's hope that makes up for losing her boyfriend and all her self-respect.

Back to the Veto Competition (Is that still going on?). The second clue is a video, which seems to perplex the hamsters even more. Meanwhile, we get to see Jun looking at dresses way too small for her and being psyched about going to the MTV Music Video awards. Her stomach is churning because she hasn't managed to stuff herself with 6000 calories yet today. Robert talks to Jee and finally guesses that she is at a taping of a show in New York, but can't get closer than that. Erika thinks she is at the Letterman show, while Alison finally becomes the first person to throw out the MTV idea, although she still isn't sure.

The third and final clue arrives. It's an astronaut space suit. Erika says she hasn't a clue and calls it the veto competition from hell, which is appropriate since this is clearly the episode from hell on the show from hell. Bad enough we have to watch a boring, overweight Asian woman prance around New York we have to view 4 equally boring people sitting around trying to guess where she is. I feel bad for any of you who actually sat through this on Friday instead of enjoying your Labor Day weekend.

In any event, Robert rings the bell and makes the first guess. The girls sit in the hammock and try to brainstorm. Robert guesses Space Mountain at Disneyland because "they sell caramel apples at the park" (I swear I'm not making this stuff up.) Although I think it would be a riot to make Jun ride Space Mountain for 24 straight hours, sadly she is not there, so it's up to Jee to save things for the Dream Team. He too rings the bell and goes in to make a guess, but they don't show his answer so I'm assuming it's even lamer than Space Mountain.

Alison finally awakens from her slumber and proves why she's the only strategic player left in the house, recognizing that there is an astronaut on the Video Music Awards trophy. She runs over and rings the bell, followed by Erika. So we know that Alison is right and have to wait in "suspense" to figure out if Jee guessed right or not.

That night, the hamsters all sit around their TV and see Jun stepping out of a limo live from the Awards show where she tells the hamsters that she misses them but they suck and she's having a blast. Way not to make your opponents jealous bitter enemies there, Jun. We then learn that Jee guessed the Space Needle in Seattle, so Alison has won the Power of Veto.

Turn in next week to watch either Jee or Robert go home, Julie Chen screw up more cue cards, and this lame show lumber on to its final conclusion.