LAST EDITED ON 06-03-05 AT 07:08 PM (EST)

"What the hell am I doing?"

**Disclaimer**

This is uncharted territoryin the summary world, so I'll try to keep the 'summary snark meter' to its maximum while still analyzing the actual dancing abilities of the stars.

<brag>Now, part of why I wanted to summarize this show is because I myself am a dancer. And yes, I'm a 'real' dancer: profesionally trained and with all sorts of national dance recognition. I thought this would be the perfect show for me to summarize as such. Plus, my husband hates watching dance-related shows with me because I yak and critique the entire time...now I have an outlet for my multitude of criticisms! Yay!</brag>

Now...let's get on with the show. Tom Bergeron hosts (save me now) and hopefully he won’t fill the evening with references to his other hosting duties of the past or with uber-corny jokes. I’m thinking that’s asking too much.

Now…first things first, let's check out our 'stars':

Evander Holyfield - A heavyweight in tights...boy this is gonna be fun!

Rachel Hunter - Previously seen on a slew of other reality shows, apparently trying to milk her DAWdom for all it's worth

Joey McIntyre - formerly of NKOTB (and I can happily say - with a straight face - that I was never a fan) - tried to make a comeback as a solo artist in the late 90s - it was not pretty.

Kelly Monaco - of Port Charles/General Hospital fame. Jeez, her 'real' name even sounds like a soap opera name (my guess is it's a stage name, but if its not...well, she's got a groovy name)

John O'Hurley - Okay, am I the only one who noticed the fact that his name comes from two characters from Lost? John…Hurley…methinks ABC is trying to send us subliminal messages or something.

Trista Sutter - Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but being on a crappy reality show (not once but twice) and having an even more crappy televised wedding does not a star make. And moreover, Trista was a Miami Heat dancer. She's seemingly got a leg up (pun intended) on the competition with her dance background. We shall see as the competition moves on...

Couple #1

We begin the show with Joey McIntyre (“Singer”) & Ashly DelGrossa (“US Rising Star Latin Champion”). Joey claims to have been mostly a hip-hop dancer (which is analogous to saying that Britney Spears is a singer) and is glad to be learning some professional dancing. Ashley claims to have had a crush on Joey from his NKOTB days and wants to make the ladies in the audience jealous when she dances with Joey. They appear to have fun together (probably because Ashley isn’t exactly hiding her fan girl crush and Joey is enjoying being crushed on for the first time in 20 years).

And now to the dance…they will be performing a Cha Cha Cha (as opposed to a Cha Cha) to the song “Crazy in Love”. Now, I’m not exactly sure when “Crazy in Love” turned into a Latin dance song, but I think this is by far the worst part of the show. While we’re at it, why not Green Day’s “American Idiot” or 50 Cent’s latest hit, “Just a Little Bit”. Can’t you just envision the on-stage chemistry enhanced by such lyrics as “I wanna unbutton your pants just a little bit”?

Joey’s starting pose is something of a cross between Michael Jackson’s ‘Hoh!” and the “I’m the king of the world” from the Titantic. He looks very stiff and needs to relax his shoulders.

He gets more comfortable as the dancing continues and lo and behold, there actually DOES appear to be some chemistry between Joey and Ashly. They look comfortable together, Joey looks like he’s enjoying himself and his dancing is actually not too shabby. He ain’t walking home with any Ballroom dancing awards, but he looks like he’s taking this seriously. He had some good hip action and the footwork (while it was nothing difficult at all) was executed fairly well. The choreography obviously took into account Joey’s strengths and weaknesses and overall, they started the show off very well.

Let’s hear from the judges.

Len Goodman: looking for portrayal of rhythm, fun, and wiggly bums. “A Fabulous way to start this off”
Carrie Ann Inaba: “You could be a little sharper on your feet”
Bruno Tonioli: “Shoulders were a bit arched from time to time”

Headed backstage for some rather pointless banter with with Lisa someone...I’ve seen her somewhere before and after tonight, I hope I never see her again. Her interviewing skills leave much to be desired.

And the scores:
7 - 7 - 6

Couple #2

Next up: Rachel Hunter “Supermodel“ & Jonathan Roberts “US Rising Star Latin Champion”. Am I the only one wondering what the hell Trista’s ‘star’ status is going to be?
The rehearsal clips
“I’m not a professional dancer, Jonathan, if you cared to notice”. Yep, we noticed, but we don’t really care. And btw, Rachel is a textbook AD/HD lunatic (as am I). Her attention span is less than zero. This should be funny.

Dancing the waltz to “Three Times a Lady”

Rachel looks graceful and her arms and posture are definitely her strong points. She can thank her catwalk/posing background for that! She does not, however, appear to connect with the song or have any chemistry with her partner whatsoever. But they delivered a pretty solid performance considering they’ve only been working on this for 5 weeks.

Len: waltz looks for beautiful posture, hold and a few steps coming back together “not my cup o’ tea”
Carrie Ann: “you have gorgeous feet and beautiful posture”
Bruno: “You are a turquoise dream…Cyd Charisse lives!” - talk about exaggeration…picture Rachel Hunter in Something‘s Gotta Give…yeah, I didn‘t think so

Corny Tom joke #546

More useless little bits of backstage ’drama’. It’s really not worth the five seconds it’d take me to type up the backstage Q&As, so I am not going to bother. They’re worthless.

The judges scores:

7 - 6 - 7

And our first two couples are now tied…and we move on to a commercial break, but not before Tom gets in another corny and totally unfunny joke.

Couple #3

Back from commercials, next up is Evander Holyfield “Heavyweight boxing champion” and Edyta Sliwinska “Emerald Ball Latin Amateur Champion”

Evander looks horrendous during practice and Edyta is chastising him about his footwork. Evander is stumbling all over the place and comments that he doesn’t want to go on national TV without any rhythm. Newsflash: rhythm is not your problem…that you look and move like a heavyweight boxing champion trying to dance is. Evander falls head over heels…not in love, but literally over Edyta. I’m now officially afraid for her safety and for his ability to not look like a complete fool.

They will be performing a Cha Cha Cha to “Respect”

Okay, Evander is arguably the least coordinated of the stars, but I have to give him props for thoroughly enjoying himself and not taking it too seriously. He had fun up there and it showed. And he had great interaction with his partner as well. Even though he still looks awkward and harsh while dancing, I liked it. Bonus points for looking smokin’ in his white shirt, too and Edyta is definitely my favorite of the pros. Her energy was fantastic and the two of them made a great pair considering.

Judges:
Bruno “respect, you’ve got it by the track load…footwork…think Muhammad Ali”
Len: “I thought it was really great”
Carrie Ann: “your facial expressions were a little bit odd…be careful because you’ve got great potential to go very far”

Backstage carp: brak brak brak. Wait, I have to do this one…Lisa asks Evander if this is more stressful than stepping into the ring. Ummmm, let’s see…getting your face bashed in for up to 36 minutes vs. 2 minutes of dancing in front of a small studio audience with a professional partner carrying you the entire time. I’m thinking this was the.stupidest.question.ever.

Scores:

5 - 7 - 6

Couple #4

Moving right along, we’ve got Kelly Monaco “actress” and Alec Mazo “Emerald Ball Latin Amateur Champion“ who seems to think he’s the most fantastic thing to ever grace a dance floor with his ribbon-dipped hair weapon (or as Bebo, called it, the Penis Ponytail). Kelly says she can’t dance (you ain’t gonna hear any arguments from me) but that she’s just got to get out of her comfort zone and do it.

They are dancing the waltz to “I Have Nothing”. Before they even begin, I can tell that Kelly is not cut out to be a dancer. Her posture is horrendous and she has absolutely no movement in her upper body whatsoever. It’s difficult to watch as a dancer, but these folks aren’t professionals, so I have to be nice. Who am I kidding? Good lord she’s awful! I can see why her partner was an Ice Man…he saw what he had to work with and knew he was doomed. She was flailing her arms around as if they were somehow in their own little world. The performance was a mess from start to finish and while Kelly is a beautiful girl, her looks are not going to save her tonight.

Carrie: “I didn’t enjoy your dancing…you looked very stiff”
Bruno: “was there a death in the family…your face is like someone died”
Len: “too much, too busy…all flowers”

Scores:

5 - 4 - 4

Couple #5

Next up is John O’Hurley “actor” and Charlotte Jorgensen “US Open Champion”

John is light-heatedly making fun of himself and his dancing abilities. Charlotte says she’s known as the Grace Kelly of ballroom dancing. These two obviously have fun together during the rehearsals and Charlotte seems to be the most patient and helpful of the partners.

Now, the husband and I both watched this show (and NO I didn’t strap him down and force him to watch with me, he was just as interested as I was) and the first thing I said when I saw John O’Hurley was “he just looks like he’d be passionate and fluid on stage.

Dancing the Cha Cha Cha to “September”

Right away, they are impressive…John has great head movements and his facial expressions are fantastic. They probably had the most difficult footwork of the bunch and while he had a slip-up on one section, he was impressive in his posture, expression, emotion, and movement. The two of them looked the most like a duet.

Bruno: “I look forward to seeing you in weeks to come"
Carrie Ann: “I thought that was fantastic…”
Len: “that routine had class, style…that was a hole in one”

Scores:

7 - 7 - 6

And we’re in a three-way tie now for first place. I’d put these two out in front with Joey & Ashly close behind.

Couple #6

Now we move on to the final couple: Trista Sutter “Reality TV Star” and Louis van Amstel “US Professional Latin American Champion”. Trista wants to be seen not only as a DAW, but as a dancer, too. Kinda hard to be taken seriously when you’ve appeared on 1074 reality shows, Trista. And her partner is another guy who’s quite full of himself…he can do things none of these folks will ever be able to do such as splits, pirouettes, brak brak brak. Dude, you ain’t so fantastic yourself…your pirouettes? Nothing special. Now, do two clean pirouettes without dancing out of them, and we’ll see just how fantastic you are.

Dancing the waltz to “Come Away With Me”. Trista is not finishing any of the moves. For a so-called dancer, she kinda sucks. She looks like she’s just going through the motions - not really caring about the performance at all. I like the choreography quite a bit, but given that Trista started out with an edge, this couple should have been the best and they were not. She does have nice lines, however (when she finishes her moves) lifeless her dancing may be.

Carrie Ann: “looked like a fairy tale” Shrek, perhaps?
Len: “a very balanced routine…clever choreography”
Bruno: Trista, work on the lines…finish it, finish it.

The judges scores:

6 - 6 - 6

It’s official. Trista is the antichrist.

Now it’s up to the viewers at home.

PM’s recap:

The format was pleasant with not too much emphasis on the rehearsals and the vast majority of the time spent focused on the actual competition. I'm undecided on the music - I thought the selections were odd at best (would have preferred instruments only), but the vocalist wasn't overly annoying and distracting. Backstage stuff was really, really lame. Lisa whatever her name is should find a new job because she sucks at this. Despite Tom Bergeron’s lack of humor, when he’s simply playing it straight, he’s not half bad as a host. The judges were on point with their criticisms and praises and I was very glad that they weren’t just playing to the stars’ egos. Overall, I'd say that while a bit high on the cheese factor, the show was fun and just what I'd expect from fluffy summer TV fare.

*etf some nasty typos and added in a few little tidbits that didn't transfer over in the initial copy/paste*