LAST EDITED ON 06-10-14 AT 02:19 PM (EST)• Day 1 – God created light and separated the light from the darkness, calling light "day" and darkness "night."
It happened one night when God got lost going out to the outhouse before there was a moon or stars to light his pathway, and did his God-Poop in the Holy Chicken Coop. It occured to him how handy it woud be if there was just enough light to allow him to do his business without having to feel around with his toes for where to go. That even grossed God out. Incidentally, this was the origin of the old fiddle tune “God Pooped in the Holy Chicken Coop”, made famous by Issac and the Itchy Mountain Boys.
• Day 2 – God created an expanse to separate the waters and called it "sky."
Phil still has trouble explaining what the sky was before becoming sky. So far his best idea is that everything was “Dirt”. He doesn’t explain where all the dirt came from, but says it feels good between his toes. Better than God poop, anyways.
• Day 3 – God created the dry ground and gathered the waters, calling the dry ground "land," and the gathered waters "seas." On day three, God also created vegetation (plants and trees).
Besides being a contradiction to his "Dirt" theory, Phil has chronological problems, seeing as how trees and plants were made before there was a sun (see Day 4) , and light (see Day1) appears before the sun, the moon, or the stars. Flashlights aren’t mentioned on any of them days.
But Phil has never owned a watch, so chronological problems have not yet been created in his world. Or will ever be.
• Day 4 – God created the sun, moon, and the stars to give light to the earth and to govern and separate the day and the night. These would also serve as signs to mark seasons, days, and years.
Now he gets around to details like suns, moons, stars. Little late to the party Phil?
• Day 5 – God created every living creature of the seas and every winged bird, blessing them to multiply and fill the waters and the sky with life.
Phil asserts that this is why goat-f##king is a blessed affair. He doesn’t explain why bird-f##king isn’t bragged on too, presumably because he doesn’t want it to mention that he can participate in bird-f##king. Also, it may be because of the teasing he took (and the origin of his nickname “BirdD##k”) when him and the boys stripped down to swim in the crick.
• Day 6 – God created the animals to fill the earth. On day six, God also created man and woman (Adam and Eve) in his own image to commune with him. He blessed them and gave them every creature and the whole earth to rule over, care for, and cultivate.
Phil hates them dam communists. Dam communers! Wants to shoot them all to smithereens. But here’s where a year or two in readin’ and writin’ school might have done Phil some good. There he might have learned that the animals as well as Adam and Eve are living creatures too, and had thus been actually created on Day 5, leaving us to have two days off instead of one every week. Phil screwed the all of humanity with this little oversight.
Thanks Phil! Thanks a freaking lot!
• Day 7 – God had finished his work of creation and so he rested on the seventh day, blessing it and making it holy.
Phil’s idea of a holy day is shooting holes in all the blessed critters that God created. Plus all the queers and Muslims what don’t believe in his bible. Shooting stuff to smithereens, that’s what the seventh day is all about. Yee Haw!
Crabman
Email this topic to a friend
Printer-friendly version of this topic
Bookmark this topic (Registered users only)
