LAST EDITED ON 02-23-02 AT 03:41 PM (EST)

Ah, yes. The teams come in, ready to do battle! They are prepared. Their weapons are sharp! Chairman Kaga unveils the theme ingredient and-- wait a minute… oh, I’m sorry, that’s my Iron Chef tape. Ah, here’s the Combat Missions tape. Yep, a bunch of losers, ready to fail in mock battle, their weapons shooting blanks (in every sense of the word). Col. Rudy unveils the theme mission and we don’t know whether to laugh or cry at the absurdity that unfolds before us.

Evolutions 5 and 6 are brought to you by the letters “C.Q.B.” and “M.B.”, the numbers “5”, “6”, and “-250”, and the words “poncho” and “MILES laser gear.”

Evolution 5

Colonel Rudy Boesch stands before the formation outside without a hat on, showing off the haircut that Medic Babe Heather gave him. I guess Col. Rudy still gets excited thinking of that haircut. This time it’s Delta vs. winless Charlie. Col. Rudy introduces the new players. “My condolences that you were chosen to join these squads.” says Col. Rudy.

They show Sgt. Maj. Voiceover discussing the teams. Sgt. Maj. Voiceover, who speaks only in a voice over even when they show his lips moving, has acquired a new insignia on his chest. At first he just had a Scuba Diver badge, now he also has a Navy Parachute Badge (hopefully not to be confused with Army Airborne wings like mine). At this rate of adding badges, his shirt will be very heavy by the time he’s kicked off the show.

Delta squad selects Baz to lead them. Baz gets philosophical about which dog fights the hardest. He says the one you feed the most wins. Hey Baz: bulldogs fight the hardest , and we do like being fed. Delta is confident of victory. After all, they’re going up against Charlie squad, whose 0-2 record doesn’t do their ineptitude justice. But there is hope: Charlie has LA SWAT guys Crenshaw and Wong for this next misson.

Ed Bugarin, the squad leader of Charlie, tells of the new guy Cade Courtley. Ed tells us that Cade comes on strong in the leadership because he’s a former officer, and that it may be a problem in the future. No doubt about that: Ed realizes that Cade can replace him (Ed) easily as squad leader because Ed’s been doing such a crappy job to this point. Meanwhile, Crenshaw tells the camera “I miss work.” I don’t blame you, Crenshaw, I’d want to go back to work, too, if I had to be on this show. Meanwhile, Wong talks of Crenshaw’s leadership and valor in LA SWAT, more M.B. foreshadowing that Ed Bugarin might not be getting the job done…

TREEMAIL!

Not really. We could only wish there WAS a tree in the Camp Brainstorm desert, mostly so we could use it to hang these losers. It IS the first competition, though. It’s called “Double Pit Cross”, where the contestants must cross bodies of water. They must’ve read VampKira’s water sports question in the Off-Topic forum. The contestants navigate over one of four obstacles to cross the first body of water easily. Then there’s the big “lake”. The water is very cold. Crenshaw tries to drown himself, but his buddies won’t let him. “Let me go, I’m trying to get off this show!” yells Crenshaw as Wong and Bugarin help him. Col. Rudy and the Lady Major squeal and scream that someone’s in trouble. “Hurry up, help him!” shrieks the Lady Major. They really need to give her better lines. Col. Rudy, meanwhile, sends out scuba divers. “He’s not getting off this show that easily!” promises Col. Rudy. They finally get Crenshaw to the side of the pool… er, lake. At that point, one of the rescuers says “Dawggone it, Crenshaw, the lake is three feet deep. Just stand up next time!” During the rescue, there are player voiceovers of the value of partnerships. “My partners aren’t going to let me quit the show if they have to stay here. That’s what teamwork is all about.” Crenshaw gasps as he recovers from drowning.

Back to Camp Brainstorm, where Heather is watching the guys work out with the weights. Maybe she’s trying to drum up some business, and I’m not talking barbershop work. About this time, Nutter decides to show us why he’s named “Nutter.” He flashes the camera, as well as his teammates. You know that little circle they use to cover up nudity on TV? The one covering Nutter’s nu-- er, male anatomy is small. VERY small. The one showing his rear when he moons the camera is bigger, by necessity. And he’s doing this as snow flurries through the air. Needless to say, Nutter gets called into Col. Rudy’s office. “Are you flashing people, Nutter?” asks Col. Rudy. “Just the camera, sir.” says Nutter. “Nutter, I can assemble the squads AND the barmaids AND Heather AND the Lady Major and have you flash them. And they’ll see just how tiny you are. Do I need to do that?” threatens Col. Rudy. “That won’t be necessary, sir.” replies Nutter, in the smartest move he’s made since the show started. Remember, folks, that this guy is supposedly among the very best our military has to offer. That explains a few things, fer sure.

Now for the eagerly anticipated mission. LA SWAT Chief Anderson gives the briefing, after greeting all the LA SWATS on the squads. I sincerely hope nothing went wrong in LA during the taping of this show, because all their SWAT guys are locked inside Camp Brainstorm!

The mission is called "Hostage Rescue". Someone got paid well for thinking of that one. The chief tells us that T.V. anchor “Linda Remorseless”, whose secret identity is “Hostage Girl”, has been taken hostage and shot in the leg by gang members. Our teams must rescue her without killing any unarmed transients, her, or themselves. This is called "close quarters battle", or "C.Q.B." and SWAT teams train for this type mission.

Bugarin tries to save face as “Oz” Crenshaw takes over the team leadership role. “It was solely my call.” says Bugarin as he tries to fight back tears. Ed, don’t become a South American dictator if you can’t see and don’t realize what a coup is.

They show a shot of the Camp water tower, and you can still see the marked off days from Survivor III on it. Delta plans and rehearses in what appears to be the mess tent. A logo of the 101st Airborne Division is on the wall. Without question, that is the worst looking misrepresentation of a Screaming Eagle that I have ever seen. Heck, the Auburn University War Eagle (“Tiger”, who was last seen flying above the Olympics in the opening ceremonies) looks more fierce than that logo! The logo eagle is almost smiling. Maybe it’s mocking these players, who have no reason to smile to this point.

As Charlie gets in some badly needed practice, Delta goes to the “Snake Pit” (the local watering hole), where they diss the Charlies in front of the barmaids. Sad bugle music sounds as they show a shot of Charlie rehearsing into the night. That is more MB foreshawdowing, also known as a “clue.”

Time for the mission! Wong says that the Crenshaw leadership decision was a team decision, not Bugarin’s decision. We had that idea already. As Crenshaw talks to the “confessional” camera shot, there are no name tags on his camo uniform. Crenshaw is starting to get smart about being identified with this show and doing what he can to prevent said identification. Sgt. Maj. Voiceover then tells us yet again what MILES laser gear is and does as the helicopter lands on the roof.

The first sniper is shot and falls backward. If you blinked and missed it, don’t worry: you’re going to see that EXACT same scene of this guy “dying” four straight times. MB certainly knows the value of recycling the same shots over and over, as we shall see again later on. Meanwhile, the other Charlie’s secure the hostage, but Wong is killed immediately. So much for the SWAT guy, eh? Hostage Girl rides out on Crenshaw’s back, covering his MILES laser gear with her body. They pop purple smoke and attempt to exit, but Sniper-Man #2, whose super-powers enable him to see through purple smoke, begins killing the squad members. Bugarin, Cade, and Greaves lie “dead”, their MILES gear humming noisily. Crenshaw makes a mad dash and brings Hostage Girl out to the ambulance. “Hey, if the sniper shoots me in the back, it’ll hit her, not me.” reasons Crenshaw. An excellent time of 10 minutes, offset by bodies strewn everywhere, the typical result of a Charlie mission. Apparently these guys think “mission execution” means getting your people killed.

Delta then begins the mission. The background music is heroic, not sad, so we know they’re going to do all right. Nutter kills the first sniper, but the team makes wounded-in-the-leg Hostage Girl walk out of the building. So much for their chances of getting a hot date with her this weekend. Nutter arrives late to Sniper Man #2’s purple smoke party, but finally gets him. Amazingly, no team members get killed and they complete their mission, but they don’t show the time.

As they go to mission results briefing, Crenshaw says (and I quote exactly) “We have the mindset that if we lose, we have to let someone go.” Hey Oz, buddy: that is not a mindset. Those are the RULES of the game!

Delta got it done in 17 minutes and they win. Charlie files out to sad bugle music, having been given 10 hours… er, minutes, to pack their gear. To rub it in, the big board outside has the Delta logo and “WIN” in huge letters next to it. After some interminable scenes of Charlie eating supper and “confessionals” of how they decided who to vote for, they go to the discharge room. Bugarin’s name appears on five of the six cards, and he finally realizes what a coup is. In the Dossier Room, Col. Rudy, holding what appears to be a remote control, tells Charlie that this is their last chance to improve their squad. Heck, they’ve replaced three players now and they still svck, so they might as well close the Dossier Room! The team chooses a guy, Col. Rudy clicks the remote and they have to make another choice until they get the one M.B. wants them to pick.

As Bugarin leaves, he tells of the failed Iranian hostage rescue mission that he was a part of. He says that President Jimmy Carter told him and the other troops that “The greatest failure is not trying.” Ed, that was before somebody came up with Combat Missions. Ed continues “I haven’t failed, because I’ve tried.” Ed, your mission results, and the number of votes against you, were almost as bad as my man Jimmy Carter’s results in 1980. You’ve failed, buddy.

As the new guy comes in, Col. Rudy points at Charlie and says “You’re assigned to THAT loser platoon over there.” MB then shows a sunset from Survivor Africa, again demonstrating his money-saving ability to re-show scenes again and again.

Evolution 6

Sgt. Maj. Voiceover commands “Report!” The team leaders reply “All present – unfortunately.” It’s Alpha vs. undefeated Bravo. “Bravo has all the SWATS, so good luck, Alpha!” extols Col. Rudy. “We’ll help you any way we can.” So much for parity from Col. Rudy. We’ll find out later how Sgt. Maj. Voiceover feels.

The hard part of writing summaries for Combat Missions is that it is so repetitive and redundant. So I’ll skip the smarmy feel-good shots of Alpha and Bravo in their tents, since no medic-babes are a part of them.

The first challenge is an obstacle course. Alpha and Bravo rightly complain “But Charlie and Delta didn’t have to do anything like THIS!” Col. Rudy replies “They’re a bunch of losers, so they get the easy drowning mission. You get the Jerri Manthey Obstacle Course, and you’ll like it!”

As they go through the obstacle course, Bravo’s Jody “Whiner” Taylor” gives voice overs telling about the different obstacles. At the cargo net, Taylor gets his boot caught and rolls out the side onto the ground. Right on his @$$. “Now I know how Jerri felt when Colby dropped her.” whines Jody. Jody, we sympathize. After watching Combat Missions, we all feel like Colby dropped us on our fourth point of contact. Alpha wins the obstacle course, and Alpha and Bravo exchange high-fives at the finish line, which I would imagine had M.B. screaming “You guys are supposed to hate each other!”

At the mission briefing, Alpha asks if Hostage Girl and the transients will wear MILES laser gear. “Of course, dumb@$$!” replies the LA SWAT old man. Back in their tent, Alpha conspires to defeat the evil designs of the Old Man and Col. Rudy. “We’ll show them! We’ll cover Hostage Girl’s MILES laser equipment with a poncho!” Unknown to our caped crusaders, the room is bugged with videocameras, and the commanders are alerted to their plans! Fred “French” Monastere objects, but is overruled by his team members. “Sit down and shut up, French!” say his fellow team members.

As they go to the mission, Old Man tells us that Alpha’s Jackson and Bravo’s Kain are also LA SWAT, leaving that city almost totally unprotected should the need for a SWAT team arise. Bravo is going first and the only thing notable about their mission is that they set some of the furniture on fire. “Whine” Taylor is killed by Sniper Man #2 during the Purple Smoke Party, but they deliver Hostage Girl safely to the ambulance in six minutes. “So what?” says Old Man. “That’s expected of you, Bravo.”

Alpha then goes on the mission. Fred “French” Monastere is supposed to take the sniper out. “I have the shot. Can I take it?” he asks the radio. “Why are you asking, you idiot? Shoot the guy!” replies the radio. Remember, folks, that this guy is supposed to represent the best that our military has to offer. To make matters worse, in a voice over, “French” compares the mission to a chess game, drawing out this Dawg’s righteous anger: How DARE you besmirch my beloved game of chess by comparing it to your stinking show, French?!?! I hope you get voted off for that!

O’Shea was killed in the hostage rescue, and they put the poncho on Hostage Girl. Running out of the building, Sniper Man #2 begins shooting, but he can’t see-- they haven’t thrown the purple smoke yet! So they all survive and get Hostage Girl to the ambulance. At that time, Old Man runs up saying “Why did you cover Hostage Girl’s MILES equipment with the poncho?” One Alpha answers “Uhh… we were going to use it as a litter.” “I don’t see any dogs here!” cries Old Man. Hey Old Man, just look at Alpha’s faces. They look like whipped puppies. “Besides,” continues Old Man “you said in your tent that you were going to put the poncho on to treat Hostage Girl for shock!” “Uhh, yeah, that’s the ticket!” replies Alpha, “We were treating Hostage Girl for shock.” About that time Sgt. Maj. Voiceover comes over and thunders “Who made this lousy decision?” As the whipped puppies point at each other, the Sgt. Maj. hurls them into the paddywagon and puts a lock on it. Inside, the Alpha’s realize that their diabolical plans were thwarted, but can’t believe that they would be caught on camera. It must have been a whistleblower.

Back at camp, Sgt. Maj. Voiceover says “I am so mad at them. We were all ready to help them win against the Bravos, and they had to go and cheat by themselves.” Some partiality there, Sergeant Major.

At the mission results meeting, Alpha gets a –250 points (and a 6.0 from the Russian and French judges) for putting the poncho on Hostage Girl. They make sure to tell Alpha that they would’ve won if not for the poncho. "You would've won if not for the poncho." says the voiceover, “We had it planned out for you to win. We had the clock rigged and everything.” Instead, Alpha is given the usual ten-minutes-that-really-means-two-hours to pack. Team Leader O’Shea tells a “confessional” that he made the decision and was responsible, but as they talk O’Shea doesn’t volunteer to be voted out. Spicer wants to leave, saying he’s angry because Sgt. Maj. Voiceover yelled at them. “Ohhh, my feelings are hurt! I got yelled at.” whines Spicer. The others call his bluff: “You’re not getting out of the show that easily!” they agree. Then “French” suggests that he can be replaced. “Yeah, you said not to use the poncho. You should’ve said it harder and stopped us from doing it!” “Yeah, maybe you’re the whistleblower since you didn’t want to do it.” After all this, it’s decided to vote out “French.” Hey French, I TOLD you not to compare this show to chess!

You know the rest. In the Dossier Room, the camera points at one guy. “Over here.” the cameraman says. “How about this guy?” the players say, looking at someone else. The camera slams into the back of their heads, and as they recover consciousness the camera again points at one dossier. “How about THIS guy?” cameraman asks again. Getting the point, Alpha chooses him.

The squads form and “French” is dismissed. “Get out of here, whistleblower.” says Col. Rudy. As he leaves, French says he still has his honor and integrity in the way he played the game, which is better than winning. Yeah, whatever, Frenchie-boy. Go pay your bills with your “integrity.”

The highlights for next week tell us that the Dossier Room is now closed. That’s because no one else is volunteering to be on this show. Par for the course for Combat Missions as the lights of Camp Brainstorm fade into the night of the closing credits.