There's a good five minutes worth of recapping the previous two instalments of this round of Meet My Monkey Folks. Mom and Dad have cut loose the 5 smartest, most beautiful and therefore least deserving to be stuck with Monkey Boy in Europe for however long it is this trip of a summertime is supposed to be.

The three girls who have been deemed beautiful by monkey standards are Stefanie, Chelsea and Tawny.

It's a Friday. 4:45 at the PhoneyMaloney home. I'm having a hard time buying that these folks are "real" people, and not long-unemployed actors finally getting their mini-break.

Each girl summarises the situation. Chelsea generously says all three girls have a chance, Stefanie is self-absorbed and figures that she has a chance. Tawny could care less about "chances" -- she wants to introduce Dan to her mom. I wonder if it's because her mom is into teaching young simians the facts of life.

No expense has been spared! The fax machines are restocked with paper and ready for another busy episode. The girls' machine spits out tonight's first message. While preparing dinner, each girl must complete a "secret" task so that Mom is aware of the actions.

One girl is to sneeze twice into the food. Another must drop food on the floor and then make as if she's going to just scoop it back onto the serving platter. The third girl must take several bites of something and return it to the platter.

Sounds like the girls are trying to prove they have what it takes to join the Monkey Family. They decide among themselves which task they'll do.

Cut to the kitchen. Mom is enjoying preparing dinner with the girls. There's an air of expectancy. We know and the girls know what's about to happen but Mom is clueless. Situation normal. Stef does her first taste-testing. "Mmm, I think the chicken is ready!" Mom seems slightly taken aback but scolds as nicely as she can that that is not how to test if the chicken is done.

Chelsea is working hard on her salad. Atchooo! Mom is a little worried now. Oh dear, more food into the garbage! :lol

Tawny is busy with the gnocchi. She has to wait until Mom is watching her to make sure she sees her drop it. Tawny shifts from one leg to another holding her platter. Finally Mom glances in her general direction and then "oops." :lol. "The floor's clean, we can still eat it right?" :lol Mom continues to maintain her cool, making allowances and "these things happen" comments.

At dinner, Mom diminishes the extent of the mishaps as she tells Dad and Dan that making dinner was a lot of fun, although one item 'got away.' A moment later a fax comes and fills Mom and Dad in about the producers' nasty assignments.

Since Chelsea sneezed into the food twice, Stefanie took her three bites of three different pieces of chicken and Tawny dropped the gnocchi on the floor and scooped it back into the platter, all three girls are to be allowed to go on their private date with Dan. Mom is relieved to hear that none of the girls would normally behave like this. I'm stunned that Mom isn't railing against the producers for potentially endangering the health of her family. Things like this make me think this isn't a real family.

Door bell rings. This show is just non-stop action, isn't it? Aren't you breathless from all the excitement? Three cribs, each bearing a computerized crying baby, are on the front porch. Oh gawd. Just poke me in the eye and put me out of my misery.

The note tells the girls to take care of one of these toys from hell to show Mom and Dad how good of a mom they can be. Tawny says, "I think I'm allergic to kids." Ha!

Chelsea tells us that she's the only one who is into it. Stefanie and Tawny have already decided they're not ready for kids. In fact, Stef doesn't even know if she wants kids period. Not that I can blame her. This segment seems designed to turn all of us off of having children.

The doorbell goes again with a delivery sure to please viewers who have been wondering about the real dirt on the three little tramps. In a big basket full of stuff are bedtime stories for the girls. Actually they are bedtime stories ABOUT the girls. Each girl has to read her own story aloud so that everyone can see how she handles talking about her bad behaviour.

Chelsea's is entitled "Chelsea & Her Evil Temper." I didn't transcribe any of these stories word for word - how much do you think I can take? In summary, sweet Chelsea apparently trashes rooms when she gets mad. Of course, according to Chelsea this is so not true. Yes it's true that she holds her feelings in to the bursting point, but then she just erupts in words. Hmmm, why don't I buy this?

Stefanies's story is "The Jealous Girlfriend." One time she dressed up as a man so she could follow her boyfriend to see if he was unfaithful. Stef admits that it is true she did that. She doesn't admit that she really enjoyed the strip-club action she got to see when following said boyfriend.

Tawny's Tawdry Tale is entitled "The Girl Who Loses Interest" and relates that after sleeping with boys, she loses interest. Tawny explains that it is kind of true, but it is because after she sleeps with the boys, they are no longer interested in her. I don't see how this is much better than her losing interest in them first. Makes her sound like a slacker in bed, which we know is so not true. Mom wants to believe Tawny's story.

Everyone is in their rooms and another fax arrives at Mom & Dad's bedside suggesting they turn on their tv to check up on how the girls are handling the babies.

Dad and Mom laugh their heads off watching the girls deal with three crying babies who won't stop crying no matter what the girls do. I guess it's fun to relive how it was when Little Dan was just a colicky mite, eh? Mom and Dad watch for a half hour and then turn off the tv. They don't need to see more, says Mom.

A clock onscreen keeps us apprised of the passage of time, and the fact that the girls get very little sleep. Tawny and Chelsea manage to get their hell-toys to shut the hell up, but Stefanie's continues to squall because she has passed out. I guess if you're tired, even a shrieking infant can be tuned out in the name of a little shut-eye.

Commercials. They sure are advertising the hell out of Survivor. By the time the show actually starts, we're going to feel like we've already been watching it for 3 weeks.

It's morning. Rise & Shine, girls! Mom comes to get them and tells them to bring the Hell-Toys. Dad says that the computerized babies were tracking how good a job the girls did of diaper-checking, baby-holding, and so on.

I wonder if it would also keep track of how many times the babies were bashed against the wall or tossed into the pool. I don't know how those toy babies survived. I was ready to smash those things to bits the second they arrived. Probably would have wrecked the computer. Somehow I don't think I would have passed this test. Probably just as well I never had kids, come to think of it.

The three girls did quite well and overall, Chelsea did the best, then Tawny. The fact that Stefanie managed to get some sleep put her in a distant third position on baby-handling.

Another fax arrives to say that since Chelsea was such a good mommy, we thought you should know that she spends time at Humane Society taking care of abandoned dogs & cats. Hey, don't laugh. There are a lot of people who think of their pets as children. And a lot of children who are more poorly behaved than animals. Not to forget that this show is all about becoming one with a monkey boy.

So without further adoo-doo, it's time for the One On One Dates.

On Date 1, Dan and Stefanie go to a RollerRink. Interesting to remember that this show is really about finding a girl for Danny-Boy. He has been hardly seen up to now. Stef was game, even though she hadn't done it in years. And by 'it' I mean rollerblading/skating. It was only last week she was doing the nasty, although kind of hard to tell given her locked knees. She looked frigid. Stef was also a little overwhelmed to learn that Dan Dan the Monkey Man wears a size 12 shoe. Most girls would be busy doing the math, but Stef is just showing that she is a lot smaller on the inside than she is on the outside.

After the Stef date, Dan is more than happy to skip off with Chelsea. However, we are told that Mom wants him to like Tawny. Tawny gets another moment to talk to the camera about herself, but it got by me. She's talking and yet I cannot recall a thing she says. She is the most boring, even if she is the Handcuff 'Em girl.

For Date 2, Chelsea & Dan go to an art studio, where they get into bathing suits and play with body paint, making a picture, first with handprints, then with butt prints, then before you know it, they've got an Andy Warhol that is sure to show up on eBay.

It's really a chance to play with each other. Chelsea tells us she likes Dan because he is every girl's idea of the American Dream. (Standards have really slid since I was a lass.) So because other girls would find him attractive, that's why you like him? My opinion of her just went right into the toilet.

Date #3 and Dan & Tawny go to Sara's Lingerie Shop. It's just an excuse for Tawny to practice slipping into something more comfortable. She is apparently shopping for sexy lingerie and she models everything. I hope she kept her own undies on. He says he loves her personality and she's good looking, but I think he's just saying that in an effort to please Mom and Dad.

Tawny is resorting to her Last Resort. She does what I am assuming she always does: takes the date in a kinkier direction. She ties him up in the changing stall with something silky, blindfolds him, pours champagne down his throat and starts kissing him. Too bad he's still fully dressed. Must be uncomfortable with his woody squashed in his tight pants. And I'm no longer wondering why the guys never call her for a second date. This tying-up gig can get pretty boring, not to mention painfully uncomfortable.

After the private dates, all gather in the living room. Mom compliments Stef on her outfit, which is code for "you look like a whore and you're the next to leave." Doorbell goes. Grand Central Station this house is. It's a package for Dad containing three envelopes that each contain a videotape from the girls' "friends." In other words, more "dirt."

Chelsea's is first. Her friend gets stuff out of Chelsea's closet. This tiny bathing suit was purchased instead of paying November rent, this thong was bought instead of making October's car payment and this little scrap of material is in the closet while the electric bill went unnpaid. Haha, Chelsea's big sin is she buys clothes instead of paying bills! Isn't she flighty? Isn't she wonderful?

Chelsea assures Mom and Dad that actually she draws on her savings account to pay bills, and that her friend is misrepresenting her. But it's also true that she wants to be a well-dressed homeless girl.

Tawny's friend Nicole reveals that Tawny starred in a how to bartend video. Yawn. Oh, and she was, wait for it, topless in the video. Here is some of the corny footage, with Yawny's tiny tities hidden by an itty bitty rectangle. "Some of your breast work, Yawny," says the friend. Mom is saddened that Tawny doesn't seem to know she has so many options. Mom loves Yawny and wishes she were her daughter. Um, -in-law. Or maybe in-stead of DanDan. Whatever. Yawny assures Mom and Dad that she hasn't actually made the video yet.

Stefanie's friend Megan tells us that Stef likes to take long shopping trips with her grandpa. Only he's not her grandpa, he's just some older guy bedazzled by Stef's bedazzling charm and wit. One guy even bought her --gasp-- a brand new Mercedes Benz. If it doesn't work out with Dan, says the friend, have Dad buy her a boat.

Stef owns up to usually dating older guys, but it's totally not about the money. Right. Cuz it's all about the Viagra-induced euphoria, right Stef?

Time to eat and this time the girls were not allowed to help fix the meal. Halfway thru dinner, the dining area fax machine goes off. Mom & Dad are instructed that it's time to eliminate one of the girls. In fact, they have just 15 minutes to make their patented "difficult decision" on whom to send packing. The girls have to go to their rooms without being allowed to finish eating. Is this show barbaric or what?

I think Stefanie is gone. Not only is she really more into older guys, she's also smart and fun. But if there is anyone Dan would rather see leave, it's the airhead Yawny. The girls lay on their beds clutching pillows and worrying, while the folks and Dan keep eating as they discuss his preferences. Like DanDan's opinion matters.

Mom tries to get Dan to make the decision easier by saying she thinks he isn't clicking with Stefanie. Dan is a bad monkey boy. He says he likes Stef alot. I think he probably also said he wants them to ditch Yawny, but we aren't shown that tidbit.

Girls are called in. Mom says she & Dad have had a hard choice. They love them all, and want to see them all again. However, they are going to ask Stefanie to go home. As the announcement is made, camera cuts to Yawny, whose face is all scrunched up. Apparently she was sure she was going to be asked to leave. She knows she isn't clicking with DanDan, but doesn't realize that Mom wants to adopt her into the family regardless of the chimp's preference. Mom tells Stef it isn't going to be the same at all without her there. Poor Dad, eh?

Stef says she knew she would be eliminated because the girls who have intelligence are not here anymore. Well, Stef, he IS a monkey boy, after all. I can't believe any of these girls are seriously interested in this cross-eyed geek. Must be $$$ and the trip to Europe. Is the young couple really expected to get married? shudder.

Yawny & Chelsea get an opportunity to present their final pleas to be kept. Chelsea thinks she and Dan have a lot of similar interests and that they get along really well. She doesn't think Yawny should win because she reckons Yawny & Dan don't have the same personalities (actually I got the impression that they do, but that's beside the point, isn't it?) Both Chelsea and Dan want to go to university. Oh, that's what's different. Yawny wants to go to bar-tending school.

Mom tells us she has a lot in common with Yawny and wants to see her win because she is the underdog. That's just great that Mom likes Yawny so much, but after all she isn't the one who has to spend time with her. Mom, if you like her so much, why don't YOU take her to Europe?

Yawny's turn to plead her case. She recognises that the parents like her. She describes herself as "fun, not too high maintenance." She would appreciate the trip and would not take it for granted. Her reason not to pick Chelsea is that she denied everything that was raised by the friends and the ex-boyfriends.

Mom tells us (again) that she wants to see Yawny get this trip.

Hey lookit what the producers have organized. They've bribed Stef to get her to add some drama to this snoozefest. Stef is back to Speak her Mind. She has found her way back to the PhoneyMaloneys' home, and is in the driveway with her bags, bitching about the fact that she got turfed. "You have just made A Big Mistake getting rid of me," says Stef. "You're gonna regret it. Big time. Here's what you don't know about the two girls you've kept. Chelsea is always looking in the mirror (what a sin!) Yawny tied up Dan during the Lingerie Shop date."

Mom is crying because she can't believe how mad Stef is, and how bitter for not being chosen. DanDan is shocked that Stef lashed out badmouthing the other two girls. Mom worries that maybe they should have kept Stef? WTF? If you had a doubt before, now you know for sure that Mom is an idiot. You don't wish you'd kept the psycho. For some reason that comment reminds me of Big Brother. Remember when the producers tossed Justin out after he pulled a knife on drunken Krista during their sex play? It would be like saying, "Gee, maybe we should have kept Justin cuz he was so adventurous and edgy and maybe he wouldn't have attacked that other person like he did. Maybe it's our fault he's in trouble now."

Once you realize how psycho somebody is, you thank your lucky stars you got rid of them sooner rather than after they do serious damage. You don't wonder if you should have kept them so they wouldn't be upset!

Dan is telling Mom and Dad that while Yawny & Chelsea are both great girls, he would definitely rather go to Europe with Chelsea. "We talk together so easily."

Mom interrupts him to once again push for Yawny, and Dan says, "yeah, Yawny is fun, crazy whatever" but after spending just a small amount of time alone with her, he's already noticed that he's searching for stuff to talk about with her.

Mom hands down the Parental Ruling. "It's our decision and you're going to have to trust us." He looks forlorn as he agrees that is going to have to trust them. I actually feel sorry for poor Monkey Boy. Makes me think of all those arranged marriages the world over, where figuratively speaking, the Yawnys are given the nod and the Chelseas are sent packing. Because mostly arranged marriages don't favour the pretty young girls, they favour the ugly smelly old men who like to tie them up.

Mom says she and Dad have been back & forth on who they consider their favourite. Time for the final test. Yep, more lie detector tests. Yawny goes first.

Mom: Have you lied to my husband or me this week?
Yawny: No.
Test guy: thumbs down
Dad: Have you ever had sex with a man you've known less than 48 hours?
No.
Thumbs down.
(Yawny looks miserable, Chelsea is shown waiting in the other room saying she is scared.)
Next question: Yawny do you have a book where you sexually rate your ex-lovers?
No.
Thumbs down.
Mom: Did you tie up my son this week?
Yes.
Thumbs up.
Dad: Do you plan on performing in any more nude videos?
No
Thumbs down.
Dad: Would you marry a man for money?
No.
Thumbs up.
Mom looks happy with that. End of Yawny''s questions.

Chelsea's turn.
Mom: Do you think you're smarter than me?
No.
Thumbs down.
Dad: Did you in a fit of anger trash your friend's hotel room?
No.
Thumbs down.
Mom: Have you ever had two boyfriends at the same time?
No.
Thumbs down. (Mom shakes her head.)
Dad: Are you pretending to care about my son just to win a trip to Europe?
No.
Thumbs up.
(Mom doesn't look happy to hear this. But remember, Mom wants Tawny to win. Mom doesn't want any of Chelsea's answers to work in her favour.)
Mom: Do you think you are the prettiest girl here this week?
Yes.
Thumbs up.
Mom: Have you ever had a current boyfriend drop you off at an ex-boyfriend's house to sleep with him?
(Chelsea laughs) No!
Thumbs down!
Completes the chart.

Mom is dismayed with the answers. Dad says so many of them could lie so well. Mom's mind is blown. What, just from the test results? I reckon it's been blown a long time, if the only way to get your son a girlfriend is by going through a reality tv show.

Dan tells us he hopes the girls have been telling the truth. Both girls say they figure they're gonna be the one to get cut.

Time for the Final Decision. Dan sits on the sofa with a girl on either side. After Mom prattles a bit, she announces that the winner is Chelsea. Hugs all round, starting with Chelsea hugging Dan. Mom says, "Yawny, it's been real," and Yawny runs over to hug Mom. Yawny tells us they're great people and she still loves them. Dan walks Yawny out, and off she goes, second-best again. sniffle, sniffle. Off to tie up her next victim.

Dan thinks his parents made the right choice. They all clink champagne glasses and drink a toast to the trip. It's over.

Finally.

Mr. Amai refused to watch the show with me tonight, banishing me to the living room to watch by myself. Yet he still wanted to know who'd won, because he had made a prediction based on seeing the three who remained at the end of the previous episode. He had thought Chelsea would win; he's usually right with this kind of split-second selection process. He figures that since Dan got the girl he wanted, that spells disaster for the show.

I don't think there is any way for a show like this to be a non-disaster. While it was funny in parts, mostly it was pathetic. I can't believe I'll watch this ever again. Unfortunately, there isn't much else in the timeslot.