LAST EDITED ON 01-11-03 AT 05:53 PM (EST)

Star Search - Wed Jan 8, premiere ep. & Thurs Jan 9

We're underway. The pictures of some of the bigger names who once appeared on this show fly across the screen. Snippets of the winning acts of Kevin James, Drew Carey and Britney Spears are highlighted. Britney was quite the loud little kid.

ArseInnyO comes out to a Huge Cheer, totally not because of the Applause sign, right? And of course what's an ArseInnyOh appearance without the 'woof woof' from a few dedicated drunken fans.

"Wassup?" he says. "Where mah dogs at?" Ugh - is he gonna be like this ALL night? AIO can't believe CBS let him do a live show. Who let that dog into prime time, woof? There are some who reckon he's better than Ed McMahon, but I'm thinking it's one of those 'choose the lesser of two evils' deals.

Notice ArseInnyO isn't mentioned as one of those who got his start on Star Search.

"Over the next 5 weeks we'll meet the performers who hope to be the Stars of Tomorrow," he intones. Most of whom we hope will make that 'difficult decision' to never appear on a stage anywhere ever again.

AIO babbles something confusing about how tonight's winners will be going "head to head" with tomorrow night's winners and next week's winners at the first semi-final next week. Don't make me feel obligated to watch all these shows before I've even seen one of the contestants, AiO.

First order of business is to make as many references to awards-won as possible. The 3 regular judges are Naomi Judd (7 time Grammy winner), Emmy award winning presidential speech writer, Ben Stein (I didn't know they handed out Emmys for writing political speeches) and Emmy award winning writer & producer - Carol Leifer, who is a producer of 'a little show called Seinfeld' (it sounds like professional jealousy masked as an inside joke - except AIO is not a Seinfeld insider.)

In addition to these three, a different special guest judge will join them each episode. Tonight's special guest judge is 7 Grammy award winner Chaka Khan, who's hoping to get another Grammy under her belt. If she can, that is. That woman has chunked on a lot of weight. Mostly in her chest tho, so the men are probably enjoying the view.

AIO is kinda smarmy. "I mentioned there are 5 judges. The 5th judge is YOU, America, Studio judges are half the score, and America's Heartland the other half by going online to vote at CBS.com/star". Better bookmark that website and forestall the whining from your kids to be allowed to "help pick the winners."

The junior kiddie singers go first. I know it's coincidence but the first contestant's name looks like he took the category way too seriously. Welcome Eric Kidd Junior, age 12, from Akron, Ohio. ArseInnyO tells us that the Kidd is from the same state he's from. Like we care. It's NOT all about you ArseInny.

Each StarSearch contestant has a short video wherein they are being interviewed about their lives, with effort made to focus on the performance category.

Eric sings because "he loves to perform for people." His choice of song allows him to roam all over the stage, which totally endears him to the judges. Never mind they've probably never voluntarily listened to a rap song before in their lives. They wouldn't know that the song is originally by Lil Bow Wow or that it is a 'classic.' The title might have been obvious from the lyrics. The word "Basketball" got a lot of airtime.

Lil Eric's voice hasn't broken yet. He does some kind of jerky dance movements which must be the 00's version of cool moves. Eric is wearing what all cool singers wear these days: the headset microphone. He moves around the stage well, not afraid to step out. The song is over pretty quickly. Um, thankfully.

ArseInnyO does a complicated handshake with the Kidd. It struck me as lame on AIO's part, as if he were trying to remind us and himself that he's a 'brutha' or something. Then it's time to poll the judges, who award 1 to 5 stars. But whole stars only. No half stars.

Naomi makes a really lame comment about Sesame Street and the letter T and that means he has talent. Get used to this. Naomi is the Queen Of Lame Comments. She gives 4 stars

Ben is overly full of praise and gives him 5 stars.

Carol thinks he's fantastic, Mad Fet, great to see a rapper whose crib is an actual crib (kinda funny, but also feels like a joke we must have heard a million times already. For some reason I get the impression that if Naomi can, Naomi will find a way to use that line later on in the competition. There are bound to be more Junior Rap kids, aren't there?) 4 stars

Chaka says "You were brilliant. You're off the hook." ("off the hook?" - these comments are laaaame-oooo) 5 stars.

18 stars, but doan fuggit, America has to get involved, says ArseInnyOh. (Oh ArseInny, lose the lame fake brutha 'tude, would you?)

I definitely need my Lame-O-Meter (LOM) for this show.

Now for Kidd's competition. Meaghan Markhert is 13 and in her intro video she talks about her friends' view of opera, which clues all who hate opera to flip the channel around for 5 minutes. But she has a grown-up sounding voice, and is quite the opposite from Lil Kidd. She sings Ave Maria, probably in Italian or Latin or something. She doesn't hop and bop all over the stage, but then opera never struck me as hopping and bopping - appropriate.

When she's done, AIO says, "Butter, baby, butter." His comments started out lame and went downhill from there. LOM clickety-click click

Naomi: "Get your braces, clean your room go to school. I'll see you at the Metropolitan Opera." 5 stars (sounds like Naomi is trying to be the star here, with her cute homespun judgment proclamations, which start out sounding like she's giving the contestant a hard time and end up being kinda praising. LOM click)
Ben: Fab voice, looks just like a girl he had a crush on in school. (so now it's all about Ben? Sorry but these judges are clueless - and I like Ben Stein. LOM click) 4 stars
Carol - 3 stars. Great voice, but need to work on stage presence (But how much moving around are opera singers normally required to do? I reckon if poor Meaghan HAD moved around a lot, the judges would have deducted for that. Some kids can't win with this panel.)
Chaka - 5 stars (I'm thinking Chaka is a bit out of it.)

ArseInnyO brings Eric back out. Before going to commercial ArseIO instructs "America" to go online and vote. If you don't know how, ask your 6 year old how to log on. Haha. Hmmm. That joke was funny the first time I heard it, about 20 years ago. (LOM click)

After the mega-helping of ads, ArseIO taunts us to wonder if he did just pull that envelope out of where the sun don't shine. "If you don't believe I just got the scores from the Heartland, you all (the audience) can co-sign." (LOM click)

Send ArseInny back to late night, the later the better. He's not ready for prime-time, and I don't mean that in a good way.

"One of you has 34," he says, lamely teasing the kids with the chance to get a sneak peek at the "envelope" - a folded over piece of colourful cardboard (LOM click for AIO, LOM click for the envelope). The winner with 34 stars is Meaghan. Eric loses with 32. The kids hug each other, and then ArseIO tells the loser kid that if he got this far, he's not a loser. (Actually, one of AIO's best lines all week.)

Next pair of performers, and I use that term very loosely, are the Models. This category is a LOM click. It's still here because the producers wanted a reason to have barely dressed stick figure women sashaying around on the stage.

Melanie voices over about her life while we look at footage of her posing for photos. Her hobby is, get this - cake making & decoration. HaHa, that has to be the most counter-intuitive activity for someone who claims to be interested in a modeling career (LOM click) She wants to settle down and open a bakery. She's also interested in some kind of scientific endeavour.

She comes out, and looks slim enough, wearing a flowery halter dress that has a bit of fabric hanging uselessly down the front (LOM click). It looks like a sloppy necklace. Not flattering. Just cuz you're skinny doesn't mean you can toss on ANY piece of rubbish! She does her 'modelling' thing, moving around, striking a pose, moving some more. I suppose she could be MORE wooden, but where is the "talent" here? LOM click.

Of course, the judges go nuts:
Ben: "She can bake me a pie in my genetic research lab (LOM click) 4 stars"
Carol: "Stunning, great look, don't open a bakery. 4"
Chaka: "Pretty, not my area of expertise (LOM click). (actually, Chaka looks like a cake-judging competition would be her area of expertise) 3 stars
Naomi: made some kind of comment about the girl's DNA (so LOM clicky that I didn't even quote her) and counselled her to "get into education" 4 stars
15 stars total.

Next Model is Andrea Diaz, born in Puerto Rico. Her family was really poor, so they made clothes from other clothes. Are we to understand she made her own outfit? She also likes to dance. She can change her personality depending on what she is wearing. Her outfit is a multi-coloured bead-ridden jacket with some crap extra fabric on the front (LOM click), and a tight-fitting caramel brown skirt. She sashays, strikes a pose, and I'm wondering how the hell the judges will be able to come up with a different score.

Ben: "Too sexy - scared me" (?!!?! LOM click) 3 stars
Carol: "4 - looked all American & very exotic at the same time"
Chaka apparently has a motto - when in doubt, go all out! 5 stars (she had no comments, but then, it's not her area of expertise)
Naomi drivels meaninglessly: "Sassy lassy" (LOM click) 3 stars
15 stars. They couldn't come up with a collective different score, although the numbers were different from each judge except Carol.

Tied game. ArseInny tries to make this really thrilling, but it's the modelling category (LOM click) ArseInny is plugging the CBS.com/star site like he's getting a bonus if they log enough calls. (LOM click)

After the break ArseInny once again exults in his "power" trip, waving the cardboard at the girls (LOM click). One girl has 30, he says. OOOOOOh. Don't keep us in suspense, here, Woof Woof. The scores are 29 to 30 and Andrea Diaz moves on. Andrea does a mini-version of the Miss America "oh my gawd I won" facial response (not really LOM clicky, more ROFLish). AIO tells us she had tears in her eyes (that's a LOM clickety-click.) A true rags-to-riches story, isn't it? Pull them heartstrings, ArseInny, you LOM clicker you.

Comics are next. The list of contestants that I got hold of has so far been right about one of the performers (Eric Kidd), apparently getting Thursday's group mixed up with Wednesday's or something.

But both comics who were named to appear tonight did, in fact, appear. First up is 28 year old Steve Byrne, whose occupation was listed as "comedian." In his pre-performance video, he explains that he's of mixed parentage (Shall I? No.) His Korean mother is the source of a lot of his humour, while his Irish father may well be the source of the presentation.

ArseInny introduces "the comedy stylings" of Steve Byrne. Whenever you hear the term "comedy stylings" be prepared for dreck. The Byrne stylings involve mostly making those irritating noises into the microphone, which he says he does because he is Asian. Whatever - LOM click. The whole act is more tacky than funny, and besides it's been done before, much much better.

I think the judges need to be able to award Cringe Factor demerits.

Carol: "He's hysterical - so funny, great voices, 4" (Let us recall that not every Seinfeld episode was a winner)
Chaka: "Great, little on the rough side but I like that (LOM click-click) 4"
Namoi: "2 stars, appreciate the originality but too esoteric (LOM click - Naomi must have meant to use a different word. LOL - esoteric means 'of or relating to knowledge that is restricted to a small group' - so does she think that Stevie here has had actual access to Bruce Lee's bedroom? LOL and LOM click)
Ben: "3 stars, a bit repetitve" (exactly what I thought)
Total 13

Tyrone Barnett, age 26, also gave as his occupation comedian, but his act actually was funny and original. In his video he said he finds humour in issues people think about but don't know how to address. When his friend died, it made him think about his own life.

Some highlights of his routine: - "Full name Tyrone. In Ireland it means 'inspired and prone to creativity." In America it means 'not hiring.' Went with a friend on a Murder Mystery Train - the Subway. (changes direction) The beggars with well written signs, correctly using commas and semi-colons. (changes direction again) He doesn't date, cuz of the games. example: the Leave Behind Game, that game where people leave things behind so they have to come back. Women leave panties or tennis racquet, guys leave behind a son or a daughter. What's with stars doing the 1 800 Collect ads? Who do they need to call collect? Need someone believable. How about Bobby Brown "sometimes a collect call is all you CAN make."

Well, I found him funny, and definitely he has potential. I hope that Ty wins this round, as he had a better set, more varied, with jokes I hadn't heard before.

Carol - loved him smart clever funny 5
Chaka - agrees, contemporary good clean & funny 5
Naomi - 4 stars - mumbled something which was probably lame, LOM click.
Ben - 4 - comedy is about telling the truth.

Time for another commercial break, while the 29 people who actually are online do their thing. The Disney On Ice ad is getting too many airings.

With scores at 13 for Steve and 18 for Ty, after America's votes are added on, Ty wins. Final score is 35 to 25.

Last category, Adult Singers: Winner of this category gets $100,000 + recording contract. All final winners will receive $100,000, but there are different auxiliary prizes. The comedians, for example, get to make a guest-starring appearance on one of CBS' shows.

Christina Souza - music is like water to her. She makes music out of blinkers blinking on a car. Oh boy, this doesn't exactly bode well. Her choice of song is "I Will Survive." She's pretty, but eeeeek! She reminds me of Florinka from TAR3. She's hurrying through the song, barely pausing for breath. It's like she's trying to do the whole number on one lungful of air. Or like she's in The Amazing Race of Singing. I feel breathless and not in a good way. I think she's sat in too many cars and watched too many blinkers blinking.

AIO: You are all that and a stack of napkins. (LOM but also LOL)
Chaka - outfit is really cute (ouch - way to diss with a smile). 2 stars
Naomi - 3 stars. watch your pitch. pick another song.
Ben - great voice, too much styling - 3
Carol - fun presence, a little one-note 3
11 stars

Ugochi Nwaogwugwu, age 30, from Chicago. She says she's bicultural. Both parents are from Nigeria, but she was raised in the States. She teaches creative writing to high school kids.

Her song is "Neither One of Us." She is wearing a beach coverup shift and a head wrap. She has a pleasant voice, but it's also kind of blah. It's going to be a battle to summon the strength to vote here - both contestants are kind of lame, but Ugochi will probably squeak in.

ArseInny: makes lames jokes (natch, LOM click)
Chaka - beautiful presence, lovely voice, need to work more. 4 stars
Naomi - music expresses emotions words can't define - 5 (LOM click - Naomi speaks likes she wants a job writing Survivor clue poems - ugh, maybe she already secretly has that job)
Ben - super talent, super voice, super pipes - outfit distracted - didn't go with the song. 4 stars
Carol -look great, enormously talented, 4stars

17 stars for Ugochi. ArseInnyO entreats America to watch the commercials and go online at the same time. I don't know if America is up for that kind of multi-tasking this late into the evening. 29 stars total for Ugochi, so she moves on to the semi-final.

AIO calls back onstage all of tonight's winners, as he re-explains how the next few eps will work. Then he tells us who tomorrow night's special gues judge will be - Jack Osbourne. That might be fun. Perhaps I'll watch again.

As it turned out, I did watch enough of Thursday's episode to get the results. Jack Osbourne was the guest judge. Too bad it wasn't Naomi Judd he replaced.

The junior warblers were up first. 10 year old Tiffany practically threw herself on the mercy of the judges with the 10-hanky story of her family's hard life. Now things are better she wants to be a singer, an actress and an obstetrician. She sang a song about changing, which fit the story she'd told. A very powerful voice, good presence, good presentation.

Judges were all totally bowled over and she received 5 stars from each one for a perfect score of 20 stars.

The kiddie who followed Tiffany had a helluv an act to overcome. Pretty Janel Parrish sang "On My Own" but the 14 year old wasn't going to be winning this Star Search. She has a nice voice, but...
Naomi - 2. Need practice. Pretty girl
Ben - Beautiful girl, not quite up to the top rank. 4
Carol - 3
Jack - 4 stars. Good performance.
13 total. With America's votes Tiffany won, but I missed by how much.

The lame Model category was next. Since I was watching my Celebrity Mole tape, I missed most of this category. The first model, Rada, received scores of 4, 4, 3 ,3. Total 15

Model no. 2, Kim Harlan, was wearing another ugly sequiny flowery, brown drab print - yuck. LOM click. Ben 5, Carol 4, Jack 4, Naomi 4. Total 17. When "America's" votes were added to the judges', Kim won by a vote, 31 to 32.

The comedy segment is really the only reason I'm tuning in. Many comedians whose work I enjoy now got a start on this show, so it feels worth my while to check out the new up & comers. First up is Adam Growe. In his video he tells the joke his 4 year old made up. "What did the cow buy at the store? Milk.

ArseInnyO introduces Adam using that term "comedy stylings" and I'm on guard. As it turns out, the term seems like shorthand for someone who does microphone noises.
Carol: 3 I wasn't knocked out.
Jack: 3 funny, but not on the floor holding my stomach (hee)
Naomi: 2. I'm the one who told you about a breath mint (Very LOM-clicky. Extremely poor tact on Naomi's part to raise the point publicly.)
Ben - 2 liked the joke the 4 year old wrote. (LOL!)

The second comic was very good. Jeff Garcia did some original Latin-ish-type humor, making fun of all other races.
Carol - 4 really funny, good presence
Jack - covered everything, no-one got offended 5
Naomi - 3 (probably a LOM-worthy comment, but I missed it)
Ben - 5 race jokes incredibly hard to pull off.

With America's votes, the totals were 21 to 35 for Jeff. Since 40 is the most anyone can get, a high score, indeed. The two men give each other a hug & a handshake.

Adult Singers. Nikki Kimbrough does "Let's Stay Together". She's wearing a shmutter dress (LOM click). Her voice is powerful, yet I found it boring. Maybe I've just gotten used to that song as performed by others. The judges weren't bored.
Jack - Amazing range. great stage presence 4
Naomi- sister friend (LOM click), you sparkle like that dress 5
Ben - loved it all - 4
Carol - 5 great set of pipes.

Thomas Chyno Seabrooks. I forget what the title was, but the singing was "okay" - kind of wimpy for a guy who was also interested in football. Jack 3, Naomi 3, Ben 5, Carol 3. Final score - 33 to 29, Nikki goes to the next round.

I'll probably keep watching, as long as there's nothing else on in the timeslots. It's mildly amusing, and as I mentioned, one of these days there might be a future "great" comedian who makes his first major appearance here.

As for the judges, Naomi Judd is by far the most annoying. ArseInny is a cringe-machine, and it'll be fun to see who else they drag in for the special guest judge spot.

This show gets 3 stars!