Why am I here? There are plenty of other shows I could be watching right now. Enterprise, My Wife & Kids, Bernie Mac, Dawson's Creek, Ed, Dream House, a basketball game, a hockey game (at 8:30). Okay, so I'm not really ever going to watch an episode of Dawson's Creek. But every possible demographic that might be interested in Star Search is being catered to by other regular cable shows.

Call it morbid curiousity - to see how lame AssInny gets, to see which barrel they've scraped the bottom of for special guest judges, to hear what idiotic thing Naomi Judd will say next.

Dividends already! Here's another set of "stars" who became famous enough that it's worth mentioning them. Of course, there is no mention of how well these stars did on the show. They might have been eliminated in their first appearance, for all I'll ever know. Audio + Video appearances by LeannRimes, Martin Lawrence, Britney Spears (her career REALLY needs a boost, eh? That's two weeks' worth for that pipsqueak), Brad Garrett being unfunny.

"Wassup?" We Liiiiiiiiiiive." AssInyo is back doing his laaaaame opening stuff. Talk about a career needing a boost. His must be on life-support to have needed to do this gig. He's telling us how stupid hosts are, getting everyone to turn and look at the teleprompter prompting him to say "Hi, I'm AssInYoHall." Apparently last week his name was written phonetically. The self-effacing shtick is always a poor choice. If you're good, why act like you need my reassurance? If you're bad, why give me more ammunition? Isn't it enough that you figured hosting Star Search would be a step up?

The same judges are back. Damn. I was hoping against hope that it might have been a mistake and we'd get a brand new panel. Yet there is something attractively repulsive about their idiotic comments. How groaningly lame can they get tonight?

The special guest judge - "right over dere" says Stoopido Hall, is Lance Bass from N'Sync. He warrants a few "woof-woofs" from the crowd as well as a 'wooo' that sounded more like a boo.

It's been a whole week so Assinyo has to recap last week's winners, who we will see again tomorrow night anyway being recapped all the way through the first semi-finals. Meaghan The Opera Diva and Tiffany From The Van Down By The River.

Now for tonight's junior songbirds.

First up is 13 year old Sebastian, singing a 40 year old's song the title of which escaped me. He has a not unpleasant voice, but it's not gonna win this year. Even if he makes it to the next round, the other semi-finalists have him beat.

Naomi is still the Queen of Lame Comments. She broke my Lame-O-Meter just by showing up tonight.

Naomi - you have your destiny in front of you - 5 (uh, yes, Naomi, he's 13)
Ben - too much styling (I agree) - 3
Carol - phenomenal (idiot) - 4
Lance - you got soul - 4 I want to give you 5 but just in case someone else comes who's really something (is this guy a jerk or what? Oh wait, he's a member of N'Sync. Say no more.)

Maridel Terciano is 10 years old but she doesn't have a 10-hanky Tale of Woe. She performs a Leann Rimes song "I Believe." I think Maridel has great potential - needs some work, vocal training, but there is something to work with. I think she'll do well in the long run.

Naomi - thank you gift by giving you 5 stars
Ben - this kid has a voice to die for - 5 stars
Carol - teeny & talented, it was phenomenal - 4 stars (Okay, what is with "phenomenal"? Has Carol selected that as her "word of the week?")
Lance - definitely amazing - 4 stars

18 for her 16 for him. After the ads, find out which one America picks. It might be close, on the one hand she has more potential, on the other hand, there are already two girls in the semi-finals. Will America care? Even without either of them it's already shaping up to be an interesting semi-final, but Maridel might offer more "head-to-head" competition for Tiffany than Sebastian.

I'm all involved - no wonder I tuned in. Instant results! Who could want to pass this sh!t up??

Why does AssInny refer to the Heartland, when only the EastCoasters get to vote? Thankfully they took the envelopes away, instead flashing the final scores in giant numbers behind AssinyoHaul. Lame-o Expert that he is, he finds a new way to be annoying by whining for the techies to "give him some diiiiiigiiiiiits." Maridel wins, 36 to 30.

Assinyo tries to make small-talk with the kids but it's too lame to even take up space transcribing. Major Cringe Points for him.

Onto the Stupid Model Category. Review of the two winners from last week in their crappy brown outfits. Then onto tonight's pair. First model is Porschla - she's wearing all kinds of colourful outfits in photoshoots. Will she be wearing brown for her turn on the catwalk? I'm with bated breath here! Here she is now! Oh phew, at least it's not brown. It's something in lemon yellow, niftily draped over one shoulder, but it looks like it was made from a chenille bedspread.

Ben - amateurish walk, but very sexy 4
Carol - 4. Lucky cows in Mississippi (Porschla is from Mississippi.)
Lance - I'm from Mississippi - we know how to grow 'em there - 5 stars
Naomi - walkin' that walk, talkin' that talk - 3 stars???

Groan groan groan - these judges are to die from. Only Ben made a half-way sensible comment, otherwise these judges are too countri-fried - dripping in greasy idiotic majorly lame-o commentary. So much lame-osity.

Next model is Vanessa who used to be into horseback riding but it was too expensive. So she sold her horse, and put the money into pursuing her 'other' dream of modelling. She's in a purple or is it "eggplant" coloured spaghetti strap sheath that may have been fashioned from a bedspread as well. Her hair is mostly up with tendrils doing their tendril thing. Actually she looks good. I didn't notice anything wrong with her walk, but I'm not one of the judges. Also I may have been typing while she was walking. This category is lame, so who cares?

Ben - wants to be one of those horses. Jerky walk, but 4 stars
Carol - great look. Loosen up when you're out there - 3
Lance - southern belles - so beautiful. I like to see personality & fun (he's about as interesting as a dishrag, so I can see how it would be important) 4
Naomi - 3 stars - you're beautiful, smile more.

It's 16 to 14 in favour of Porshla. While the ads run, I ponder. Vanessa may not be so comfortable doing the runway, but she has the look that is on the magazines these days. So which girl has more friends & family getting online? Back with Assinyo and the Digits - Porschla wins with 32 over 27 for Vanessa.

Comedy competition. First guy from Plantation, Fla. Flip Schultz. During the preview thingy he spoke about his mom & dad and how hilariously funny they are. Obviously they found him funny but it just makes me question their judgment. He makes too many hand gestures and facial expressions and I wish Assinyo had warned us by mentioning Flip's "comedy stylings."

Carol - uh, I liked it. (Uh, no she didn't) Too animated for me. 3 stars
Lance - reminds me of Jerry Lewis. Hardest job is to do comedy (and it doesn't count if you're unintentionally funny, right Lance?) 3 stars
Naomi - shades of Jim Carrey . 3 stars
Ben - animation going at 80, humour going at 20 - 2 stars (Ben only one with guts enough to be honest. But with that tongue-lashing, wouldn't a 1 star have been more appropriate?)

11 is a low score, anyway.

Loni Love is an electrical engineer by day and a comedian by night. From Detroit. Big black woman, I hope she's good. I need to see something good in this category to make this whole hour feel worthwhile. I noted a few bits from her set - it was good, and I'd like to hear more from her.

"Terrorists they can blow up the malls - I aint got no money anyhow. But if they blow up the 99cent store, then I'll be mad. ... Osaka (she's calling him Osaka hee!). Osaka Baka Laka. Send Anna Nicole Smith - she can find a dying sick millionaire anywhere."

Carol - girlfriend, you are funny. Great attitude, great jokes - 5
Lance - wonderful energy - 5 stars
Naomi - 5 stars. This rocket ship's goin' to the moon.
Ben - 5 stars. Quit your day job.

Assinyo is proving it's live by reporting the sports news and lottery numbers. Oi vey. LOM click Hey my LOM clicker is back! Yay! It's 11 to 20. With America's Heartland of the East votes, the scores are 22 to 38. Loni was crying a bit because of getting 5s from the judges. She wasn't sure how people would take her jokes, but since she made fun of the terrorists, everyone loved her!

Onto the Senior Warblers. Review that Ugochi and Nikki will be back tomorrow. I sincerely hope that someone eligible to compete against them can beat them. Some of the kiddies have been better than those two.

First guy is Spencer Day singing "Turn Me On". He's the first singer from any of the three nights who accompanied himself on an instrument. Sitting at the piano also cuts off any discussion about "stage presence" - no extra movement possible.

Lance - range is incredible - 4stars
Naomi - like the range & timbre - 3 stars
Ben - liked talent a lot, 3
Carol - soft spot for piano guys -4 stars

Yeah, sure whatever. It was a pleasant voice but easily tuned out. I was posting while he was doing his stuff. Maybe it was the song.

Liz Byler - tried out for Star Search when she was 10, got a call back but her parents couldn't afford for her to go. This is her second chance (she's 20) "Where Does My Heart Beat Now?" - another okay voice. She's moving around a bit at least. Sounds a little screechy to me, but then so did the other winners last week. She might win over Spencer.

Lance - looks, talent 4 stars
Naomi - 4 stars - see you in Nashville
Ben - 4 stars - you're great
Carol - great big belty voice, wanted to hear more range 3 stars (prompting Naomi to screech, "more range?")

It's even 29 to 29. Assinyo is having a wee fit over the fact that nobody prepared him for a tied score. He's going all weird and then he gets a message from the techies that somehow, despite the appearance of a tied score on the Digit-O-Meter, Spencer is the winner. Assinyo is feeling stupider than normal, he broke his own record for stupidosity.

Onto Thursday night and the first Semi-Final. We'll be seeing only contestants who've already won a round. And I expect the extra time needed to see three contestants in each category will come from not having to see those introductory video montages.

"Hit me with the digits." Oh boy, he starts early. LOM click. He recaps the folks who've made it to this semi-final, with bits from the judges. It is way too lame to repeat, so I'm not gonna. One contestant from each category will make it through to the next round.

Oh, here's an interesting tidbit. Maybe someone who watched other Star Searches can confirm whether ties were handled this way before. Assinyo is explaining about the previous night's tie. While the judges were 15-14 for Liz, America was 15-14 in favour of Spencer. The votes cast by America are the ones used to decide the winner. ah-HA so THAT is how they make the viewers feel like it's worth going online to CBS.com/star (I should be paid for this, shouldn't I?)

Lives will be changed.

Welcome the judges (take a hike the lot of you with your lame-o speechlets). Let's run down the dubious accomplishments of Naomi Judd (well, I can't stand country, so excuse me). Ben is "pimpleicious" oooh gross. Carol is a stand-up comedienne. Tonight's special fresh guest-star - he's a model, he's in the Fast & the Furious 2. I don't recognise him sitting there - who is it? Tyrese. I still don't recognise him. Anyone?

Junior warblers as always are first, and it's a girlie fest. The opera lass performs a non-opera song "Reflections". Let's recall that she had problems with "presence" onstage. She isn't moving much, but she has a lovely voice, completely screechless. Trouble is, it's probably best-suited to making the kind of song that ends up played in elevators. Gotta love the non-screech. 5 stars from AMAI.

ooh she took a step - wow. Way to move yourself, there Meaghan! She's a cutie. Her parents are shown in the audience, crying with joy.

Judges:
Naomi - voice of an angel - 4 stars
Ben - voice I wanna hear when I enter heaven - 5 stars
Carol - so talented 4 stars
Tyrese - 4 stars. I like what you did. Didn't give you 5 cuz your dress was too mature-lookin' (LOM click for Tyreese)

Tiffany squawksings "There's A Winner In You". This kid hits the screechy notes. When she doesn't screech, it's okay. But her belting it out pierces the screech ceiling. Sorry. I don't care for this noise. It's not musical or pleasant. Naturally the crowd is going nuts.

Naomi - galvanizing, stupendous, astounding - 5 stars
Ben - cannot argue with perfection - 5 stars
Carol - you are a Whitney Houston in the making (uhoh, that isn't a good thing, these days - Carol must be out of the loop. Last I heard Whitney was hitting the cocaine) 5 stars
Tyrese - you're off the hook baby girl - 5 stars.

oh pfft. LOM click-click-click-click. They're totally into having her win, but this effort wasn't as good as her first one. I'm thinking there may be some back-room hanky-panky going on. So why should this show be different from all the others?

Maridel sings with just a touch or two of screech "When You Believe" from Leann Rimes' album "I'm Into Believin' ". Slightly screechy but not really. So she won't win. Obviously screechability is what this crowd wants. Crowd is less enthusiastic in their cheering for Maridel than it was for Tiffany.

Naomi - (makes a gun noise) - feels like Meryl Streep in Sophie's Choice - 4 stars (shut up Naomi)
Ben - 4 stars up against tough competition.
Carol - 4 stars
Tyrese - impressed with the right notes (LOM click) 4 stars

Time to see what "America" thought - I bet they followed the lead of the judges. Indeed they did. Final scores are Meaghan: 32 Tiffany 35, Maridel 32. Tiffany is in the finals.

Model Category. Winner gets $100,000 plus a modelling contract with Wilhelmina Agency. Next up is the swimsuit-ish competition. I knew this category was all about the stick figures wearing next-to-nothing.

Andrea is in a burgandy red halter top and weird asymmetrical sort of swimsuit bottom. Maybe it's the latest thing in beachwear. It has been a while since I've bought a bathing suit. Summer in Toronto is too hot to leave the house but only lasts for 2 weeks. My suit from 5 years ago is more than sufficient for that one visit to the lake.

Ben: beautiful young & gorgeous didn't do as well as last time - 3 stars
Carol -stunning gal, stripper kind of action. 4 stars
Tyrese - hey hey hey - black man love a big ole butt and pretty face - 5 from me babee.
Naomi - 4 stars - body language was saying some prety suggestive stuff

Surely you don't need to see the LOM clicks by now, do you?

Kim Harlan is back from Georgia, except that she probably didn't actually go back to Georgia, but just stayed in Hollywood or wherever it is they tape -oops I mean, broadcast this show. She's wearing a hot pink bikini. Has a look on her face like she's trying to remember to smile. She's skinny, which is a nice way of saying she has no titties.

That's what a model is supposed to look like, says Ben - 5
Carol - stunning gorgeous 4
Tyrese - I like the way you walk - 3
Naomi - 3 stars for fearless self-confidence

Porschla from Mississippi. Pretty blue swimsuit - I'm seeing a jerky walk that looks like she's stepping over dog doo or trying to unlearn the goose-step.

Ben - 4 stars - I like the way she looked at me like she was going to slap me if I didn't give her a high score
Carol - 5 stars so thin but still has junk in the trunk (I think that's what she said - it's lame LOM click)
Tyrese 4
Naomi - don't mean a thing if you don't got the swing - you got the swing, but I'll give you 2. (LOM clickety-clock. Naomi's idiotic comments just got MORE idiotic - ugh - she is SO bad - a special LOM click for her, above and beyond the call of LOM clicketyness)

After the break, we get the digits and it's a three-way tie!!! Andrea, Kim and Porschla each have a total of 29 stars. America's Vote breaks the tie and Porschla wins. hmm. Actually, Kim had the best look. oh who cares?

Time for the Comedians Category.

Ty Barnett - his set proves he doesn't have what it takes to go to the finals. Weak, unfunny, LOM click.

Carol - loved you last week, but jokes not as strong this week - 4
Tyrese - Mumbled something idiotic I'm sure - 3
Naomi - 3
Ben - you'll be a star but not quite yet - 3

Jeff Garcia. More racial jokes, they weren't the same as last set. LOM click. Feels like he's kind of stuck in the racial slurs. So he moves onto his Old Folks & Security Guard insults. re the Uniform - "it's not a badge if you wash it WITH the shirt".

Carol - funny guy, great personality, 4stars
Tyrese - 3
Naomi - 4 sucker for socieconomic yadayada
Ben - wanted to laugh but didn't do much for me 3

Loni Love. Yay! "I work in an office. Every month in the office we have a potluck. ... My boss Amy brings her salad - marshamallow, carrot, apple, just empties whatever's in her refrigerator into that salad. Lo-fat!? It's disgusting. ...I was raised in the 80s, 80s was my time. I was in school, I had good credit. Michael Jackson was black in the 80s. Michael Jackson looks like an old woman now. Elizabeth Taylor & Michael Jackson are best friends. That's because she don't know it's Michael Jackson. She thinks it's Audrey Hepburn."

Carol - phenomenal (yep it's the word o' the weak - LOM click) 5
Tyrese - 5 stars loved the Anna Nicole joke last night.
Naomi - 3 words at-tit-tude LOM click-click- 5 stars
Ben - 5 stars

yay! - I like her. 5 stars from me!! I think she's got this semi sewn up. Sure enough: 23 28 37 - Loni wins by a landslide!! yippee!

Adult Singers - Ugochi does an Aretha Franklin "Do Right." She's wearing another "inappropriate" dress. What's with the beach apparel, Ugochi? This song was performed better on the Commitments. My bet is she doesn't win tonight.

Tyrese - runs don't make a song. You didn't sing the song in the key. 3
Naomi - revel and roll around it (LOM click, but you knew that!) 3
Ben - not quite there yet 3
Carol - you have potential 3

Nikki Kimbrough sings "Home" from The Wiz. Pretty green dress is see-through on top with a short sheath underneath. At least she's not screeching. Oh I spoke too soon. Horrible song. Makes a singer screech in spite of herself. Yech. Crowd goes nuts - they love them some screechin'.

Tyrese - I like all the high notes at the end - reminds me of someone I'd see on Broadway. 3
Naomi - strong - I didn't like the song (first time Naomi & I agree on something) 4 stars
Ben - makes the hair on the back of my neck stand up 4 (rare LOM click for him)
Carol - total presence - 4 stars

Spencer Day sings "Don't Get Around Much Anymore" This is the piano man guy. It's more of a bouncy tune than the one he did last night. His voice has NO screech to it - gets my vote! The crowd is clapping along.

Tyrese - I thought he was good - I respect anyone who can play an instrument and sing - 4
Naomi - where's my margarita? (LOM click) 3 stars
Ben - awesome talent, but way over-styled (agree) 3
Carol - preferred Nikki - so give you 3 stars

12 , 15, 13 woof. I hope Spencer wins this... Ugochi 21, Nikki 28, Spencer 29 - Woo Hoo Spencer Wins!! Hurrah!

Assinyo tells us that Feb 6 these semi-finalists - Tiffany, Porschla, Loni Love and Spencer Day - will return. Meanwhile, next Wednesday begins the second round of contestants. A BackStreet Boy and his little brother share the guest judging spot. Haha - too much of a strain on a BackStreet brain to carry the gig alone. Oh geez - this should be fun in a LOM clicky kind of way. See ya then