LAST EDITED ON 06-08-05 AT 04:28 PM (EST)

Note: Due to budget cuts, the following summary is only available on a 1971 Bell and Howell flimstrip machine, and the soundtrack is on an LP with sound effects telling you when to advance the frames. If you do not have these devices, I’m sure AnotherKim or Molaholic will be happy to dust off one of theirs and lend it to you.

<crackle>

FOCUS

<ding>

I SAID FOCUS, DAMMIT

<ding>

YEAH, YOU. WHEN WE MADE THESE, THERE WAS NO SUCH THING AS ADHD.

<ding>
<cheesy 50s educational-type music>

Webby/AyaK/Bebo Productions
Presents

<ding>

“The Scholar” Episode 1:
“Tomorrow Is Another Stupid Test”

in IceCatvision

Copyright 2005 by Cygnus X1, Inc.
A division of SurvivorBlows/RTVW Enterprises.
All rights put in the wrong desk drawer.

<ding>

Pompous Voiceover Guy: This is the story of ten bright high school seniors from across the United States. Only one thing stands between them and college: the money. They are all competing for the chance of winning a Full-Ride™ scholarship to the Institution of Higher Learning of their choice. They represent the best—
(skip) represent the best—
(skip) represent the best—
(skip) represent the best—

(needle repositioned) Um, this is Cygnus. I won’t be needing you anymore.

PVG: Whaaat?! I have a contract here (as soon as I can find it)! And I’m union!

Cyg: Union, schmunion. You haven’t had a gig since 1958, and you know it. And? I can get a hundred more like you in a heartbeat. Buh bye.

PVG: You’ll be hearing from my lawyer!

Cyg: Once you figure out how to get off vinyl. Now then, I’ll provide the sounds you need for this strip. (turntable turned off and returned to the kind soul who lent it to you)

<ding>

Actually, these are 10 DAWs who are starting nice and early to embrace their DAWdom in the guise of being the brains of their schools. Now let’s meet our would-be valedictorians, shall we?

Disclaimer. I? Was ragged on as much as any “geeky kid” in school, and hey, what these kids have done/are doing academically is great. But. They volunteered to be on a reality show. That makes them fair game in my book. So there.

<ribbit>

(flips a nickel to Team Joisey, inter alia, for the bogus photo concept (see, those 3 ½ years of Latin didn’t go to waste!))

Amari is a 4.0 student from St. Charles, MO and the Chief Marshal of the National Honor Society at her school. Does that mean she gets to wear a sidearm? Cool! She studies Latin and takes a boatload of Advanced Placement courses. So did I. See, Amari, one day, you’ll be like me, writing summaries about reality shows for some Internet board.

<plunk>

Max is a 4.0 student from Oakland, CA who is “an admitted ladies’ man.” He especially charms them when he tells them about his 5 on the AP Ebonics test. Max also apparently takes classes at the local community college to supplement his course work. Must help in preparation for that Circle K position after graduation.

<whack>

Gerald is a 3.9142857 student (oops – guess he’ll be starting in Row 2) from Commerce, TX (between Dallas and Texarkana). How to entice people to move to Commerce: on the town website, you can see who has open warrants on them. First one is actually named Gerald, but unless ours is age 50, he’s okay. He’s had to overcome racism in his success as a student. And, according to ABC, Gerald enjoys activities that “feed his mind and speak to his soul.” As long as he goes nowhere near the Neverland Ranch, that’s cool.

<phoot>

Scot is a 44-year-old home-schooled, self-taught student from New Freedom, PA. I’ve been to New Freedom. Half exurban sprawl from Maryland refugees, half Hooterville sans the charm. He works four jobs over 80 hours a week supporting his family. And has probably never eaten, which explains the lost “t.” Scot aspires to becoming an investment banker or a Beatnik poet. Does this mean he didn’t already help Kerouac write “On The Road”?

<bike horn>

Milana is a Russian immigrant at the Bronx High School of Science in New York. She learned early the physics of throwing batteries from the bleachers and interfering with fly ball outs. She carries a 98.31 GPA (is that a typo? Maybe she only got a 95 from the Russian teacher, hyuk hyuk). Wanting to join ImmuneGirl in the medical field, Milana spends much of her free time doing stem cell research. And instigating LOOOONG threads on SBOT.

<owwww!>

Melissa is from Tarzana, CA and needed two titanium rods to be inserted next to her spine to help with her scoliosis. And cheese off TSA workers all across the country. She carries a 4.2 GPA (bumping Max off the front row) and produces rock concerts. And double-dipping with Hit Me Baby One More Time. Melissa is the daughter of a Bahamanian father and an Austrian/Jewish mother. They enjoy playing cricket in the snow from right to left.

<toing>

Jeremy is a Vietnamese immigrant from Westminster, Why Do So Many Reality TV Contestants Come From CA who carries a 4.6 GPA (where can I get some of that grade inflation?) and is a member of the Academic Decathlon Team. Hmmm. For me, that would have been the 100-Meter Dash From Bullies, High Jump Over The Chicken-Wire Fence, Get Your Butt Unstuck From Your Locker . . . you get the idea. Jeremy wants to work hard to bring honor to his parents’ sacrifice in coming here. Or else Sly and Chuck will break into his house, drag him out of bed, and take him back. (Back in the 80s, my friends and I used to have what we called the “ACC Conference” regarding action movies, in which “ACC” stood for Arnie, Chuck, and Clint. And “Chuck” could be Norris or Bronson. But I digress.)

<snorfle>

Elizabeth (left) is from Buhl, somewhere near Twin Falls, now where the heck is Twin Falls, ID. Another 4.0 student, she, according to ABC, is a “wholesome teen who is exhausted.” Oh, sorry. Make that “has exhausted her high school math curriculum.” That’s probably code for “she’s ADD and her teachers want nothing more to do with her.” Elizabeth is now studying discreet {sic} math in a separate program. She’s applied to Harvard and doesn’t want Larry Summers to know she knows anything about math or science. Finally, she’s “hungry for life in the big city.” And she hasn’t been the same since “Sex and the City” was cancelled.

<ptui>

Davis wants one day to be President, but “his strong personality can sometimes be his demise.” He’s already written up his Enemies List. A Memphis 4.6 GPA student (so help me, if someone has a 5.0, I’m quitting this summary and going back to junior high for a do-over), Davis is editor-in chief of the school paper (which no one reads) and president of the Junior Statesman Club (which no one attends). He’d be better off heading up the Apathy Club, which never meets. He’s an active member of his local political community, meaning that he got Elvis to vote several times in the last election since he couldn’t.

<errrrkkk>

Alyssa likes to drum. A “beautiful” girl hailing from Yuba City (say it with me), CA, Alyssa considers drumming part of her Native American heritage. And a way cool method of impressing guys, or making them feel REALLY insecure. She’s “bound for the moon” as an aspiring aerospace engineer, so she must be dating some descendant of Ralph Kramden. And she has a GPA of . . . 4.67. That’ll be really great in a few years when guys try the pickup line, “Hey, babe, what was your GPA?”

<bonk>

These 10 hormonal teens will be prostituting themselves before three Really Important Big College Admissions Officials, a.k.a. the Scholarship Committee: Grace Jones’ mom, Morgan Freeman, and Cal Ripken.

<cough>

And Your Host is some loser named Rob Nelson, who apparently had his own show when I was fast asleep.

Now, on to this week’s frenetic and hastily produced Bunim-Murray episode, after only 1,400 words of setup! (Remember when you had to write a 500-word essay and it seemed interminable?)

<pop cheek with finger> <no, not THAT cheek>

Our youngsters arrive at The Scholar House in Euclid, OH, which is kind of odd because all the activities are taking place on the campus of USC. When Scot’s cab pulls up, he has to beg other drivers to pay off his cabbie. The others are shocked that Milana has only one suitcase. Of course, the 47 cases that the 4 other girls brought mean that there’s only room for one anyway.

<honk>

Up the street struts Davis, accompanied by ruffles and flourishes. He thinks he’s the most practically smart person he knows. Scot doesn’t think he’s going to get along with him. Why not? They both share the same non-barber, who at one time used to cut Dorothy Hamill’s hair.

<buzz>

Not long after unpacking, the teens make their way from Euclid to the lush campus of USC. The camera pans over the statue of The Trojan. That’s either the school’s mascot or product placement.

<crowd noise>

They file into the Hallowed Halls to meet Nelson, who has a J.D. from Stanford. He looks like he could use some J.D. to calm himself down. And some personality, while he’s at it.

Listen up as to the format of this show. There will be a quiz later:

<handbell>

Each week will have three rounds.

The first will be the Captain’s Quiz. The two best scores, or two fastest times, will be the captains for the second round:
The Team Challenge, in which teams work together to complete a task that only a bunch of reality show DAWs would do. The winning team captain and two others selected by the Illuminati move on to the third round:
The Admission Showdown, which takes place in a tub of whipped cream in a head-to-head quiz with the winner getting a $50,000 scholarship and a place in the final 5.

I’m not repeating that. Except to say I’m glad this is only 6 weeks long. By then, the audience might just understand it.

<crumple>

Nelson explains that the competition isn’t just about smarts, winning, or losing, but how you play the game. Good thing Vince Lombardi isn’t on the Scholarship Committee, eh?

He announces the topic of the first Captain’s Quiz: Space Exploration. “It’s like any test you’ve taken, but it could help you win a full scholarship to college.” (nervous laughter)

<space communications beep>

The test of matching years to space events commences, as do a series of Really Short Attention Span Confessionals.

Liz knows nothing about space. Davis (“To Humility . . . And Beyond!”) just happened to be reading a book about JFK, so he’s confident. Amari, in the Confessional Cam (WTH?), admits space isn’t her subject either.

It’s a three-way tie! Which will be determined after . . . Commercials.

<mmmm-Bop>

We’re back, and Alyssa, Jeremy, and I.M. Great all aced the quiz. But Jeremy and I.M. had the fastest times, so they’re your captains, they’re your captains. Also, for having the fastest overall time, I.M. gets an automatic spot in the Academic Showdown, but only if the moon is in the seventh house, and love is the seventh wave, and the antiderivative of secant cubed theta is whatever. The winner this week gets a $50K scholarship, which should just about take care of three credits at Harvard.

<cell phone ring>

Oh, excuse me. No, go ahead and advance it anyway.

Jeremy wants the scholarship so much. He remembers Da Nang in 1967 . . . wait, he wasn’t born until 1988. If he doesn’t get this money for his family who escaped from Vietnam, he will be Filled With Shame. He’s bucking for the Sentimental Favorite edit.

Goofus tries to win more friends by saying he’s the one that everyone knows and either loves or hates. This doesn’t go over well with Alyssa, who is a hate-stater.

<snort>

Time for the Team Challenge, under the watchful eye of Grace’s Mom, Morgan, and Cal (We? Are Important). But not before we see a laptop for each team featuring product placement for Intel, the second one of the show.

Goofus picks Liz for his team. She’s tickled. The rest of his Gold Team: Melissa, Max, and Gerald (who didn’t want to be picked last).

Jeremy takes for his Red Team Alyssa, Scot, Amari, and Milana (who doesn’t mind being picked last, because 1) she doesn’t know these folks and they don’t know her, and 2) she’s so far UTR anyway). For being picked last, Milana will get to play dodgeball with Moe from Calvin and Hobbes afterward.

<vinyl rubber ball bounce>

And now, Bunim-Murray, Tom Werner, Steve Martin – Steve-effing Martin! -- et al. make a lame attempt at imitating TAR as these hormone-laden adolescents scamper around the USC campus trying to figure out where the rooms for their tasks are. Would someone tell me why Gerald is running with his fingers crossed behind his back? We may never know, as we head to . . . Commercials.

<errrk>

And we’re back. The teams encounter a stick figure of a cow and must change how its head is facing (from left to right) by moving only two sticks. While this does indeed involve using brains, it could have been rendered useless if one of the students had remembered seeing this in a sixth- or seventh-grade brain teaser book they can order from Scholastic for $9.95.

<moooo>

Amari is intimidated by the Obligatory Scholarship Committee member perched like a vulture over the task, watching them figure this out. In an Archimedes moment, Melissa decides that the two sticks forming the snout can be transposed to the inside to make the cow look like it’s looking behind. The team e-mails its answer to Nelson. Melissa figures she has a good chance of clapping the erasers. Jeremy, on the other hand, tries to change the orientation of the cow. His team tries to e-mail Nelson, but their laptop is e-mail bombed by the PTC, and USC Campus Crusaders try to change its orientation back. Nelson shakes his head.

<organ chord>

Next is a task involving three light switches and light bulbs on the other side of a wall. By going behind the wall only once, Our Future must decide which switches turn on which bulbs. Obviously, it’s not the one to the head of the unidentified female who says, “What do you know about wiring?” Actually, the solution is pretty easy, and I didn’t realize it: turn on two switches, leave them on a bit, then turn one off. Then go behind the wall, and the warm one that’s not lit is the one you had on, then switched off. Both teams solve this fairly easily.

<breaking glass>

And finally, there’s a cryptogram. We’d call it a code, but it’s most accurately called a cipher. It’s a one-for-one substitution with numbers for letters. Anyone who knows what sort of dress Vanna White wore or how lousy Pat Sajak’s haircut was on the last Wheel of Fortune should be able to solve this. The two teams excitedly give hints loudly, then they realize they’re in the same room on opposite sides of partitions. So they give hints quietly. Eventually, they discover that "KNOWLEDGE COMES, BUT WISDOM LINGERS." And idiocy stays for two weeks longer and doesn’t do a lick of housework.

<car horn>

The Red Team returns to Nelson first. Now, had Phil Keoghan been the host, this is what would have happened:

“Red Team (eyebrow raised), you’re the first team to arrive. But. You did not answer all the questions correctly. Therefore I must assess you with a four-hour penalty.”

Instead (after commercials), Babyface tries to get cute: “You got every answer right!” (cheers) “Except one.” Excuse me, that’s not “every.”

So the Gold Team wins for getting all the answers right.

<fire bell>

And now Jackass is asked who helped his team the most. He says Melissa with the cow head made the difference. The occasion will be memorialized in that famous album cover, “Cow’s Head Soup.”

Jeremy, on the other hand, blames himself for his team’s failure. After this, Trump comes out of nowhere and fires him.

<ship’s foghorn>

That night back in Euclid, the students meet their RA, Francine. Francine’s wardrobe furnished by Goodwill. They’re then sent out to dinner. The kids from rural areas gawk about eating in Cleveland. Dinner gives Alyssa a chance to tell Jackass just what she thinks of him some more after he talks about how hot he is. Don’t forget, Alyssa, the opposite of love is indifference, mmmkay?

<factory whistle>

Back at The Scholar House, the girls have almost all changed into tank tops, and the cameras don’t miss a second of it. Scot wonders if he’ll be in it through to the end. Jackass says he knows he’s the big fish in this pond, and he’s probably wondering when he’ll get to meet up with Jerkathon, Victimia, and Omahosa. I think I’d rather watch the severe thunderstorm warning crawl atop my screen than this assclown, but for the moment I’m saved by . . . Commercials.

<microwave>

The next morning, in keeping with the highbrow angle of this show, we learn that “boob” is a verb. At least it is in Idaho, according to Liz. Someone brushed another’s chest in the kitchen (and thus was "boobed"), and this discussion ensued between Fartknocker and Liz:
“Must be very Idaho.”
“Yeah, that makes it cool.”
“Or just very Idaho.”
“I hate you.”

Apparently nothing could be further from the truth between Jackass and Liz. She’s codependent upon impressed enough with Jackass to let him pound her in a pillow fight, and then fall atop her. “It’s fair to say Davis gives me butterflies,” she confesses.

<tea kettle>

Nelson then does a great job of NOT looking at the camera during his standup as he explains that our young’uns will each go before the Board of Inquiry, where they will each be asked who threw the spitball.

After much brak brak braking™:

Gerald likes it UTR too much.
Everyone is impressed that Jeremy ran on his own sword.
Max needs to step up.
Alyssa has a temper problem (no! You don’t think Fartknocker could be playing her like an emotional conservative on OT, do you?)
Melissa actually broke down and cried some. Will that end her career like Sally Field’s?

<alarm clock>

After much more brak brak braking™, the Evil Overlords decide that Jeremy and Melissa will face off against Sphincter in the Admissions Hoedown. The theme is 19th and 20th Century Literature. Jeremy and Melissa study up by perusing books. Sphincter does pushups in the kitchen. In his flannel leisure pants. In front of Alyssa. (He’s saying to himself, “She will be mine. Oh, yes, she will be mine.” So Liz, I wouldn’t get your hopes up TOO much.) Alyssa gives him a look as if to say, “Hwatever.”

And in case we forgot, Sphincter blathers, “I’m at the top of the food chain of this house.” He forgot the line about “looking / down on creation,” but give him time. But before he can do so again, we have . . . Commercials.

<paper bag popping>

We’re back, and Melissa wonders whether The Old Man and the Sea could relate to The Great War. Sphincter is confident that he knows more about literature than Melissa or Jeremy. Jeremy admits it’s one of his weaker subjects. He can see that small sailboat and his butt in it somewhere west of Catalina. Or east of Put-In Bay.

As they’re leaving the house, Dorkwad asks, “Anybody wanna read Gone With The Wind real quick?”

<baby cries>

Following the 2,000-mile commute back to USC, let the Admissions Hoedown commence! (Think “Whose Line?” here)

We’re watching The Scholar, and it’s not very hip
They’ve got these ten kids fighting for a four-year scholarship
I wish I could remember someone else besides Davis
And frankly, I hope he winds up behind a counter for Avis!

But since this competition has nothing to do with singing, we’ll move on to Nelson (because we have to) and this one-on-one Q&A. Liz is pulling for Davis. Alyssa is rooting for Jeremy. Pause for thuds.

<digital watch>

Jeremy and Davis breeze through questions about the Scarlet Letter and the Midnight Ride of Paul Revere. Melissa hesitates before answering a question about Tom Sawyer correctly. Hearing that synth sweeper at the start of the song probably reminded her.

In round two, Jeremy must decide between two Jack London books: The Call of the Wild and White Fang. He decides on the latter. Exit, stage wherever.

Davis and Melissa nail questions about Little Women and Edgar Allan Poe. Then Davis is asked who the author of Gone With the Wind was. He hesitates. He blinks. He fidgets. He waits for . . . Commercials.

<flush>

In confessional, Davis admits he pulled the book out only as a joke. Later during the credits, he blathered to his mom that he’d never read it.

He.Does.Not.Know.

His time is up.

Melissa pauses before correctly identifying a quote from The Old Man and the Sea. Sweet.Irony. And a $50K scholarship and a place in the finals isn’t bad either.

<slurp>

Gerald tries, but fails to conceal his glee that Davis went down in flames faster than Britney Spears’ career. Melissa is flabbergasted that she won the $50K. Davis says he’ll know the next subject tomorrow better. Jeremy doesn’t know how he’ll tell his parents that he Failed.

Next time (assuming there is one): The Scholars cheerlead?! And one of them is advised by the Overlords to take some “happy pills.”

Thanks for reading. I watched so you didn’t have to.

END

END

This show needs a swift kick in the
END

All hail Landru, the King of Brak.
ETF HTML (thx Thndrkttn)