LAST EDITED ON 10-05-03 AT 02:47 AM (EST)

LAST EDITED ON 10-04-03 AT 01:24 PM (EST)

LAST EDITED ON 10-04-03 AT 11:32 AM (EST)

Official Joe Schmo Episode 5 Summary – Is There a Fetishist in the House?

Last (last) time on The Joe Schmo Show…

Schmo cries like a baby when Earl leaves.

Matt nearly kills Dr. Pat because she liked Hutch better than him (you think he’d get the hint by now…)

Matt wins the Pimp Robe but gives Dr. Head Trauma his “reward” from the Sumo Slam, which leads to…

Dr. Pat being offered $25,000 to leave the game, and she takes the money and runs. Matt admits this shocked him, as he was sure she was The Mole. The poor boy is so confused, he confesses that he thinks he might be The Mole now. Oh come on Matt, don’t you think you’d know? Don’t you think the producers casting you as The Mole and not telling you is about as likely as them casting you in a fake reality show and not telling you it’s fake? Oh, wait.

Finally, before we get to this week’s show, and far be it for me to criticize Pooh’s excellent summary, but I don’t think she employed full rigorous journalistic scrutiny (at least the type employed in the National Enquirer), as she missed Matt repeatedly making reference to events that raised his antennae (no, there’s no double entendre here, there will be plenty of that to come, I’m sure). These are clear hints that, contrary to what some may believe, The Joe Schmo Show in fact did not leave out the character type “Alien.”

As Matt is giving his morning confessional, the rest of the cast assembles in the production trailer. They are congratulated for their handling of the increased schedule and adapting to the “spontaneous moment,” which sounds kind of dirty, but then what doesn’t on this show? They are instructed to “keep it in the realm of reality” – I’m not sure if this means reality reality, reality tv reality, or fake reality tv reality, but i’m not sure the actors know which reality they’re in either, so it all balances out I guess.

As the houseguests dig into the sumptuous spread at lunch, we get a brief glimpse of Brian, who then disappears. This is a common occurrence throughout this episode (Matt – he’s the mole!!!). The remaining five discuss Hutch’s lack of repect for Dr. Pat, who tells the girls he’s open for business today, those lucky ladies! Matt tells Hutch he’s an asshole, then high fives him (well, not exactly, but I’m not sure what you call that thing where you punch each others’ fists, so yeah, anyway). Ashleigh takes exception to this chumminess, but Matt counters that he’s not going to alienate him, because you’ve gotta accept who he is. So open-minded, Schmo is. He then tries his damnedest to allay any apparent fears that he is in an alliance with Hutch, making sure everyone knows that Hutch knows that Matt thinks Hutch is disgusting, and Kip says that as long as they all know that they know that he knows that he’s disgusting, then well, everyone knows, and that’s just peachy. Or something like that.

Hutch informs them that he voted for “D.P.” at Tribal Council…errr, the Riches to Rag Eviction Ceremony, to which everyone expresses disgust. Hutch says he don’t need no baggage, no fleet of slappy, sammy, samsonite – he was WAY off! Hutch has just two words to the objection that he might hurt D.P.’s feelings: Multiple. Orgasms. Wooeee, it’s easy to see why Dr. Pat fell for this charmer. Matt whispers to the camera “Can you f—ing believe this guy?!?” or so the subtitle would have us believe. Hutch says he wouldn’t have taken the 25 Gs, but Matt says he would have been so gone. Yeah right Matt, you’re stuck here until they tire of their sadistic experiment.

It took me watching the tape ten times to finally understand what the hell Kip was talking about next, but I think I have finally figured it out enough to translate for you all here. Although there was no set-up, they have apparently switched subject slightly to Dr. P and what her tryst with The Hutch meant. Matt says what you do in these ten days isn’t necessarily who you are (should she not make another career choice then, Matt?) to which Kip says, “That does not define you. It’s like buying a BMW, and driving down the road, and getting a scratch on the paint. Does that scratch mean you totaled your car? No! It’s just a scratch! And you can buff it out most of the time, and if you can’t, pfft, it’s just a scratch, and you still have a BMW. And it’s a GOOD car.” Matt praises his aptitude for analogies, cause, you know, sleeping around with an asshole and scratching your car are soooo analogous.

Ralph comes into the room and takes Molly outside with him, allowing Ashleigh to b!tch to Matt and Kip. She is pissed that Molly is flirting with him even after she told her she had a crush. Matt lamely tells her maybe she’s just telling him “if you think I’m flirting with you, I’m not.” Ashleigh says Molly’s not his type. Little Matt wonders how Molly couldn’t be anybody’s type, but wisely keeps quiet. Ashleigh says if there’s one thing she knows, it’s men.

Matt, in his bubble bath, says, “For your own benefit (and mine), Ashleigh, I think you need to…try to eliminate your crush. Get rid of it as fast as possible.” Cause, you know, an up-and-coming pizza delivery guy ain’t gonna be on the market for long.

Ashleigh: Don’t you think he and I would make a good couple?
Matt: No! –LMAO!
A: What?!?
M: I don’t.
A: Why?
M: Because, I just don’t see the chemistry there (like there is between us).I just don’t see it.
Kip: Well, you’re fabulous, and you can have anyone you want, and if he can’t see what’s fabulous is in you, then he…
M: That’s what I wanted to say! (except, you know, I’m an inarticulate goof) I mean you are what you are -- is this supposed to be a compliment, given that’s what you just said about Hutch? -- and there are plenty of fish in the sea (like me) and I know you can’t help a crush (except why can’t it be on me?) but why torment yourself? (cause I’d make you feel good like Hutch did Dr. Pat, yeah baby!)

Ashleigh then hushes them as Molly is coming back in, but the real storm is just about to break. Kip, awkwardly trying to fake like that’s what they were talking about all along says it was a good lunch, but sometimes he likes it when the fish is more cooked (uh, Kip, that was sushi).

Molly says Ralph is so sweet, to which Ashleigh rolls her eyes. He was just making sure she was okay after her “freaking out attack” and it’s really not his position
-- Ashleigh: It’s really not, is it? –-
to care about that, but it does make him a caring person. Ashleigh reiterates that it’s not his position as host of the show, to which Matt counters that it would be okay if he hooked up with Ashleigh though. In a passionate speech laced with profanity, Matt says they need to work this out, because he doesn’t like being stuck in the middle of it (but if he was in the middle of it, ifyaknowwhatimean, it would be okay). Molly tries to mollify (*groan*) her by saying she has a boyfriend. Hutch comes into the kitchen, and runs out again to avoid the conflict, or maybe he just realized it wasn’t his cue.

A commercial for the show, including a clip from next week, provides us with an excellent quote to be taken out of context:
Ashleigh (to Molly): Choke it down. Just swallow!

We come back to the reward challenge, called “Money, money, money, honey,” and Matt tells us he was excited when he found out Molly was going to be his partner (and so was Little Matt). In a production move which surpasses even Survivor’s “Morgan Behind” caption below Andrew’s blurred-out ass, we present Brian’s Pixelated Man-boobs! (there’s a free uncensored poster in the home game, so I’m sure the sales will be through the roof). If that wasn’t funny enough, Ralphie walks out in a bee costume, and is none too happy about it. The houseguests find this hilarious to no end, which only makes Ralph angrier. Yelling at the producers through a microphone, he declares that unless he gets into gay porn, this is the low point of his career (Ay ay ay! No me gusta!). Perhaps this is an appropriate time to mention that Ralph almost beat (sic) the world record for masturbation in a 24-hour period on Los Angeles radio last week (but can you blame the guy? it’s probably the only action a guy in a bumblebee suit can get).

Matt in confessional says he told Ralph that “It’s not the bee costume that will define the career, it’s how you wear the bee costume that will define your career.” He so Zen.

Back to the challenge, Matt suddenly bursts out in laughter after all the others had gotten it under control. Perhaps the fact that he has not fully mastered human social convention is another subtle hint that Matt is an alien. Then again, The Hutch seems to have that problem too. Ralph then explains the rules of the game. Each of them is handcuffed to another player, will be covered in honey, and then must collect as much money as possible on their sticky bodies and deposit it in their honey jar in two minutes. The twist? They can only use their hands to peel bills off their partner’s body. Ralph issues the zinger of the week when he asks Matt if he thinks he can handle not touching himself for 5 minutes (yes, this from the guy that masturbated 32 times in one day – hey, I didn’t want to know either, but if I have to suffer with this mental image, so do you, that’s one of the perks of being a summary writer).

The prize? A week’s vacation in Tahiti, transportation provided by the international airline of Tahiti, Air Tahiti Nui (which, come to find out, is a real airline). Kip and Ashleigh, wearing matching bathing caps, are the first pair up. They rub each other down with honey, and take their roll in the dough. Kip has to make sure he keeps facing away from Matt so Little Kip doesn’t give him away.

Matt and Molly are next, and Matt in a confessional tells Molly’s parents that she is built amazingly. The honey pours down, and Matt uses it as an excuse to cop as much of a feel as he dares, making sure to cover her top too. As they roll around, Classy Hutch cheers them on and instructs Molly that her boobs have the most surface area. Matt confesses he loves being around Molly and he loves rubbing honey on her. This is the first time he’s taken money off a woman’s bikini though.

Hutch, Brian, and Brian’s Pixelated Man-boobs are next, and we are treated to hilarious/revolting slow motion video of them rubbing honey on themselves accompanied by steamy porn music.

While they wait for the money to be counted, and the others to finish showering, Ralph gripes to Matt and Molly about the bee costume. Matt sympathizes with him and says he doesn’t think it will really have a detrimental effect on his career, but then he’s from Pittsburgh (and can any good thing come out of Pittsburgh, to paraphrase the words of a Gospel writer not named Matt?) The results are in, and Kip and Ashleigh, with over $15,000 collected, “win” the “vacation.” Matt and Molly, in third place with under $12,000, must remain handcuffed for the rest of the day. Matt then hugs Molly an unnecessary number of times, perhaps in apology. Perhaps it was necessary after all.

After the reward challenge, the group is in the hot tub. Brian is again noticeably absent, but this is apparently not at all suspicious. Kip begins making fun of Hutch, saying if he gets in maybe the hot water will burn off all the germs, and then that there is a film of grease on the water. Hutch splashes him with water and threatens to throw him in the pool. He makes sure the camera is rolling and promises that he will throw him in the deep end. As this does not happen in this episode, it is clearly a spoiler that Hutch will re-enter the game (oops, did I just spoil tonight’s evictee? I’m so sorry, you never would have gotten such careless editing if you had actually watched the show). The conflict escalates with more threats and splashing, and Kip calling Hutch “Pigpen.” (I guess that makes Matt Charlie Brown, and if he can’t find him a little red-haired girl, I’m sure a chocolate-covered stripper will do).

Ralph, still in his bee costume, quells the fight and announces they have a very special musical guest for them. They spared no expense bringing Molly’s boyfriend William all the way from Wisconsin. He enters strumming his guitar and singing (and I swear I’m not making this up, although I’m sure I could get sued for copyright violation as this is sure to hit the airwaves any day now):

“Where do the butterflies go in the winter?
Maybe their love will keep them warm…”

Hey Molly, this song’s for you.
Matt (in bubble bath confessional): Let me just say that she could be an inspiration for many songs for me

“…To gaze upon your golden hair,
your lovely hazel eyes.
We’ll make good choices together,
If we laugh or if we cry.
You’re a vision of God’s grand design,
A dove that’s pure and free,
Molly, Cupcake,
You’re the girl for me.”

The actors give their best performance to date, cheering enthusiastically at the end of the song (or maybe for the end of the song. Actually, it wasn’t that bad, but Special Musical Guest quality?)

Molly jumps out of the pool, at which William, quite nonplussed, sees her for the first time in a bikini, and also handcuffed to another guy. (“And not just any guy,” Matt says, “she’s handcuffed to me.” I’m sure William felt duly threatened by your pizza man machismo). Molly, trying to explain the situation says they lost a game, that they were a team and “the winner loses, I mean, the loser…” yeah, anyway… Ashleigh pushes up her breasts seductively, because if she can't have Ralph, she'll steal Molly's boyfriend. However, she strikes out again, as William is boobaphobic.

William orders Molly to put her burqa back on before he’ll talk to her. The poor boy can’t process all of this -- the hot tub, the bikini, the bondage -- at Molly’s “tea party.” Molly, in confessional, gushes over the fact that Matt turned his back while they were talking, out of respect for this “relationship.” William says “strippers take off their clothes for money.” Maybe it would help if Matt explained he was taking the money off her? Although Molly points out she is wearing a bikini, and is not naked, William says it looks slutty, and he thinks he should leave. Matt, again the gentleman, gets the others to give him his robe to help cover Molly with, and says, “William, don’t leave like this dude!” as Molly drags him through the house after her retreating boyfriend.

Ralph (still in the bee suit) comes out and tries to diffuse the situation. He reminds Molly that she can’t go out of the house or she’ll be eliminated (and doesn’t want her to get back with William). Matt and Ashleigh (who hopes her elimination will give her a shot with Bumblebee Man) urge Molly to go after him, while Ralph insists she can’t. Matt says she needs to make the choice to go after him or not right now. Molly says, “He called me a slut!” and Smooth Operator Matt says, “let’s go back in the hot tub then.”

She says she’s wearing a bikini, and she knows now that there’s nothing wrong with that, and expresses shock that William even knew the words “stripper” and “slut.” (I guess she learned them somewhere, though). Ashleigh, either making a last ditch effort to make her leave, or perhaps offering an explanation of why he might (or might not?) know those words, reminds her he came from Wisconsin.

Ralph makes an “executive decision,” and undoes the handcuffs so that she can snuggle with him in private. Molly cries, they hug, Ralph kisses her on the cheek, and they head to the privacy of the bedroom, which gives Ashleigh another chance to b!tch to Matt.

Molly: Is that your stinger or are you just happy to see me?

Sequestered in the bedroom, Ralph says Molly’s got herself a new man. Molly says he’s a B+. HAHAHAHA!!! A B+!! Get it? Cause he’s wearing a bee costume?!? Okay, so maybe it’s not the quality of Joke Night at AK’s, but it’s not bad.

For those of you having difficulty keeping up with this Love Pentagon, I’ve come up with the following handy visual aid:

Matt--------Molly-------William
|--------------|
|--------------|
Ashleigh-----Ralph

It’s kind of like a Benzene ring with Down Syndrome.

Webby: Uhoh, he made a Down Syndrome joke. Is that against the guidelines?
Ayak: Well, I don’t think there’s anything specifically against it.
Bebo: Either way, he’s going straight to hell.
Ayak: Is that more or less sinful than wearing a bikini?
Bebo: Hold on, I’ve got a chart.
Jims02: HE, you’re banned.
sleeeve: How’d he get in here? IceCat, weren’t you supposed to be guarding the door?
IceCat: Zzzzzzzzzz. Huh? What? I thought Sherps had guard duty.
SherpaDave: Don’t look at me dude.

So, Matt’s two valence electrons are bonded with Ashleigh and Molly, whose three valence electrons are shared between Matt, Ralph, and William. Okay, so my chemistry’s a bit rusty, but trust me, it’s all chemical. Something to do with pheromones or something. Or stoichiometry. Okay, okay, so it’s not chemical at all. I just like saying stoichiometry. Hehe, stoichiometry. Plus it’s a long word and takes up a lot of space. I mean, if I were to just finish this summary by writing stoichiometry five hundred times, would anybody even notice?

Matt says this place is driving him crazy (all play and no work make Matt a dull boy), and we go to commercial.

Back in the hot tub, Ashleigh says Molly is innocent but is opening her mind to a lot of things and has been asking her about physical things. Matt wonders what William will think when he sees her being rubbed down with honey. Hutch asks him if he felt “up there”, and Matt lies and says no. Ashleigh says it’s because he is repectful women and their bodies. Hutch says he is too, and when Ashleigh brings up Dr. Pat, he says he “repected all over Dr. Pat’s body.” The others leave the hot tub in disgust.

Cut to dinner. Kip makes a toast to the final six and asks everyone what their favorite moment so far in the game is. Ashleigh, very caddily says she bets she knows Molly’s. Hutch says he has three favorite moments: Dr. Pat’s first orgasm, Dr. Pat’s second orgasm, and Dr. Pat’s third orgasm. Ralph’s fortuitous entrance keeps Hutch from being murdered, but Hutch still causes conflict by beginning to pick at the foot fungus he got from Earl. Matt tells him not at the table, because feet make him sick. Ashleigh complains that she’s lost her appetite. Ralph somehow thinks that the special dessert they have for them will be more appealing. Given the choice between it and Hutch’s foot rot, I’d say it’s too close to call.

Once they assemble outside, Ralph is ready to explain the Lord of the Manor Immunity Showdown, but Hutch has whispered another threat to throw Kip in the pool, and Kip demands to talk to a producer immediately. Matt confesses that he is upset because he was sitting next to Brian and they had to switch places to separate Kip and Hutch, and I make a mental note to expand my chart to a Love Hexagon. Once Kip has ratted out Hutch, they can proceed. Ralph explains that normal people enjoy simple pleasures like chocolate-covered nuts or chocolate-covered strawberries, but since none of them are normal, they’ll be having chocolate-covered “models.”

Underneath the chocolate are six letters, which when unscrambled, will form a word. Two contestants go at once, and Brian and Hutch are the first pair. The chocolate has gotten thick and hard out in the cold, and they have difficulty licking it off. Brian says they were scraping off flesh and DNA, and STDs, and stuff off her body. Hutch unscrambles the word “pearls,” as in “pearls of wisdom,” those little nuggets of advice for daily life, such as “always wear a condom when with chocolate-covered ‘models.’”

Kip and Matt are next. A guy who’s supposed to be gay and a guy who hates chocolate adds up to predictably comic entertainment. Matt goes straight for the breast, and they blur it out, because, really, no one needs to see a 20-something year old pizza delivery boy who is living at home still breast-feeding. Matt gags all over the place. He says, “I can’t! I want to, but I can’t!” Anybody want to bet he’s had to say those words before?

Matt finally begins to just rub his face all over her body to get the chocolate off, with the result that he looks like a two-year old with a plate full of spaghetti (or chocolate, whatever. Except for the “model” anyway). Kip follows suit, but neither is able to beat Hutch’s time. Their word, if anyone cares, was “merlot,” as in “I bet this show can’t get any merlot than it already is.”

The final pair to attempt the challenge is Molly and Ashleigh. Molly’s virgin sensibilities give her an out, because “you don’t know where these girls have been, or if they’ve showered, or if they have siriasis or eczema or booty-cooties!” and she refuses to take part after just a few timid licks on the arm. Ashleigh wants to follow suit, but knows it would look suspicious if she didn’t try to win, having had three votes the night before (right, so Hutch would have gotten the boot had Dr. Pat not fallen on her sword, meaning he must have had at least 4 of the 7 votes, and he cast the 1 vote for Dr. Pat, which leaves 3 votes for Ashleigh. Don’t hate her because she’s beautiful, hate her because she’s a super-genius), so she bites the bullet and unscrambles the word “pamper,” as in “when Matt was breast-feeding, he wore Pampers,” in 5:15 to beat Hutch’s time of 6:01. Ralph congratulates her and bestows upon her the Pimp Robe of Immunity.

When they have gathered downstairs, Ralph informs them (to very dramatic music that underscores the point, quite masterfully I might add) that because one of them has broken a rule which they all agreed to, that person will be unceremoniously kicked out of the mansion. The show goes to commercial and we are left to wonder who it could possibly be. The suspense is killing me.

Hutch’s threats to throw Kip into the pool apparently constitute threats of bodily harm, which is a no-no, and so he is going to be evicted. Hutch throws a tantrum and refuses to leave. Hutch demands to make a speech, grabs his plate from Ralph and smashes it in the fire, which I’m sure will teach them all a lesson. He then storms out of the house to Kip’s cheerful “Bye bye! Have fun!” He tries to get back in, but the producers forgot to leave the door unlocked, so he settles for rattling the door and spitting on the porch.

Ralph says they have had two unusual Riches to Rags Eviction Ceremonies back-to-back, but hopefully the next one will be back to normal (i.e. Matt crying like a baby). They gossip a bit and then make a pact not to mention Hutch again. Zen Master Matt concludes, in yet another bubble-bath confessional, by saying “The true test of this game is not how you play it, but when you’re forced to leave, how you act when you’re forced to leave. That’s not the true test of this game, but the true test of your character."

They decide to have a pajama party, and then a pillow fight, and Matt comments in confessional about Molly looking super hot in a tight little T-shirt and matching shorts. But he doesn’t want everyone to think that he’s drooling every time he’s around her, cause he’s not. Yeah, that’s been quite apparent throughout this episode, buddy. So, to recap, that’s girls in honey, girls in chocolate, girls in pajamas, all in one episode. I feel like I’m summarizing Temptation Island all over again.

Next time, on The Joe Schmo Show…

*Matt comes face-to-face with his worst nightmare, the old reality show standby, the Gross Food Challenge! Someone gets whale blubber, armadillo tail, and Ashleigh apparently likes her men and her food circumcised, as – I swear – she complains that “it has foreskin” on it.

*Matt goes one-on-one with a fake network exec, saying “If you want to hold me in violation of my contract, please feel free to do so.” Playing the spoiler, it appears this has something to do with the show’s seedy underbelly, and Ralph’s infatuation with the girls, as the next clip is of his proposition to Ashleigh and Molly, saying “Trust me, this goes so much farther beyond us than we even realize.”

*Everyone gets a little wet for the immunity robe.

*And Ralph delivers the shocking news that two of them will be evicted at the next Riches to Rags Eviction Ceremony (which, playing the spoiler again, is clearly to compensate for Hutch’s return, as we saw him in the clips of the Gross Food Challenge).