LAST EDITED ON 08-17-04 AT 12:11 PM (EST)

LAST EDITED ON 08-17-04 AT 12:08 PM (EST)

Big Brother 5, Episode 17: Take One For The Team

Previously on BB5:

13 hamsters entered the house
Mike thought he was a “pro”
The Horsemen dubbed him “The Don”
And with their brains and brawn
Decided Mike needed to go.

12 hamsters left in the house
Lori and Holly were put on the block
Holly was saved
Lori’s alliance caved
And so her eviction became a lock.

11 hamsters left in the house
Drew nominated Holly and Nik/Jen
Nik won the veto
Holly was next to go
And so began the death of the horsemen.

10 hamsters left in the house
Diane beat Jase for the Power
She put Scott and Jase up
Jase saved his own butt
But Scott’s exit left Jase feeling sour.

9 hamsters left in the house
CBS threw the hamsters a twist
Adria has a twin
From the diary room she walked in
And Jase went from sour to pissed.

10 hamsters left in the house
Nakomis became the big wig
She outsmarted Jase
Who has egg on his face
And all of America danced a jig.

9 hamsters left in the house
Adria is now the boss
The “team” is crumbling
The “single births” are stumbling
Which one is she going to toss?

Flashback to the eviction. “By a vote of 6 to 1, Jase, you are evicted from the house.” Jase is finally gone. Marvin looks relieved, Cowboy looks devastated, the girls looked elated, and Drew, well he’s still looking for a clue.

A wins the HOH, and she and Natalie immediately feel safe. Diane and Drew are super excited, and everyone else, of course, offer up the standard congrats. Will, Karen and Nik look a little less than thrilled, which doesn’t go unnoticed.

The A-Kissing Begins

A opens the HOH room. There we see a picture of the twins’ mom and a picture of A and her husband. At least we think it’s A. For all we know, it’s Nat or it could even be a third sister. But the most exciting moment is the unveiling of the Usher CD. Squeals of excitement fill the room, especially from Marvin and Will. Maybe they should have used a little of that when A won the HOH.

Cowboy, the former horseman, former Van Boy, but always the dumbarse, is looking for a new alliance. He’s pissed off at Drew for betraying the Brotherhood, although he would have done the same to fellow Van Brother, Marvin. He tells A that no one deserves the money more than the three of them. A thinks he’s talking about himself, A and Nat, although I’m sure Cowboy is referring to himself, his fiancé and her son. She asks him to name one person he’d like to save. His reply, “Mcintosh, McDonalds, McDowells.” Finally he manages “you and Natalie.”

Diane arrives next and quickly points out that Nik/Will/Karen are wondering who “they” (referring to A/Nat) are going to nominate. A quickly gets defensive at the thought of someone not thinking of her as an individual. This, despite the fact that she and Nat played as one person for 6 weeks. She insists that this will be HER decision and then proceeds to ask Diane her thoughts on the nominations.

Karen is up next. And call her crazy, but don’t call her stupid. She actually sees right through A and realizes the power trip’s a brewing and the smell is certainly not the pleasant cookie baking smell she’s grown accustomed to. Try as she might, A can’t get Karen to break. (You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink – unless its name is Cowboy.) Karen tells A that she will support A’s decision and that A will do what’s best for the team.

Another “Chessey” Food Competition

Adria announces that it is time for the food competition. The houseguests are to divide into two teams of four. Diane immediately announces, “Me and Drew are going to be on the same team.” Really Diane, say it isn’t so. You mean that other 23 hours of the day you stay stuck up his arse just ain’t enough? Natalie shoos Cowboy to the other sofa and plops her own big arse down on the sofa with Marvin, Drew and Diane because she wants to be on a team that will try to win. Well, Nat, you’d better hope this competition doesn’t involve distributing coins.

So it’s Will, Karen, Nik & Cowboy vs. Diane, Drew, Marvin & Natalie.

The houseguests go out into the backyard and open their eyes to BB’s Backyard Barbeque Bonanza. There are four stations: (1) The Buns; (2) The Burgers and Cheese; (3) The Fixins (Lettuce and Onions); and (4) The Condiments. The goal is to have one person be the assembler and the other three people toss the items to the assembler who must catch said items in the buns. In order for a burger to be acceptable, it must contain all of the ingredients and the assembler must be standing in designated blocks while catching the items.

Cowboy and Natalie will be the “catchers.”
Nik and Marvin will be the “grill masters.”
Although wanting to be the “cookie baker,” Karen relents, and she and Diane become the “garnishers.”
And Will and Drew will be the “squirters.”

The competition gets under way. After five minutes, Adria goes over to count the completed burgers. The Dream Team (Nat, Marvin, Drew and Diane) lose three of their burgers due to one position violation and two incomplete burgers. So while they are dreaming of regular food, they earn themselves a week of PB&J. At least Diane and Drew can live on love.

HGTV

The girls and Will -- okay the girls -- gather in the HOH room for a round of HGTV (HouseGuest TeleVision). They give one another dares and then watch the performances on the big screen. Dares include:

- Diane squeezing Cowboy’s nipple, to which he responds by mooning the group.
- Will putting on one of Natalie’s thongs and dancing in Holly’s hat.
- Cowboy and Drew running naked through the house.

And of course Diane, who must have the best dare of all. She dons Cowboy’s hat and boots and Drew’s Miami flag. It appears that this is all she is wearing. She removes the flag and prances around in her bikini. Woo Hoo. I tend to recall better dares during my early teen years at slumber parties. Hell, I tend to recall better dares during my pre-teen years.

Nomination Time

Adria, who wants to “make her own decisions” is thinking really hard about who to nominate. As she tells Natalie, she has to think about two houses now -- the BB house and the jury house. She wants to make sure that whoever goes to the jury house first does not sit there and stew and poison the others against her.

Nik, Will and Karen are sitting in the backyard worried because they feel one of them will be on the block. They note that when A and Diane were on the block, it was all about the team, but now the only team that A/Natalie seem to be on is their own. And they worry that those two girls are about to become the next Jase.

As A stares at the photo wall, she ponders the big decision before her. She ultimately decides to rely on her faith and the decision will come to her. She places the keys in the box and states, “I’ve been led by a very important power in my life.” And now TAR fans across the country know the real reason Brandon and Nicole have slipped to fifth in the race.

A gathers the houseguests. She tells them it was not an easy decision and she appreciates how everyone has been playing as a team. She pulls the first key out:

Nik is safe.
Drew is safe.
Natalie (who actually looked a little nervous) is safe.
Cowboy is safe.
Karen is safe.
And Diane is safe. How appropriate that she again follows Drew.

This leaves Will and Marvin up for eviction.

"Marvin, you’re an awesome guy, an amazing contributor, you really pulled together for the team and I respect that. And now it’s time to be yourself and shine."

"Will, I love you to death. You’re awesome, a great competitor. I want to see you rise up and show us that there’s more to you than just those great arms."

What complete and utter bs!! That's a bitter pill to swallow, no matter how much sugar you coat it with. I think it's safe to say that no matter who goes, that will not be a vote for A if she makes it to the end game. Unless Marvin or Will start to channel Nathan.

Both feel betrayed and both know they need the veto.

Who will win the veto? And will they use it to save Marvin or Will? And just how many dozen cookies will Karen bake this week? Tune in Tuesday, 9 p.m.

By the way, there were two worthless filler segments, both staring the worthless Diane. Sorry, as you can tell, I don't like her, and it is after all my summary.

The first involved a conversation with Nik in the backyard. Nik was talking about an alternate universe and some sort of black hole mystery. Diane was there, although, she didn't need to be as Nik could have very easily been talking about the space between Diane's ears. The only good thing that came out of this segment was that Diane was sporting a "mandana" and I therefore didn't have to see those hideous highlights.

In the other worthless filler segment, we got more Diane. Will called Diane a "tanorexic" and suggested that the houseguests really work hard on getting Diane out of the sun. Will says she came into the house a “nice shade of olive” and Marvin says that she could now “go home with him.” Diane, of course, is in complete denial and doesn’t think she’s tan at all. She also probably thinks she’s fat and that Drew would date her outside of the house.

Slice & Dice Chop Shop 2004

Whew, I feel so much better now.