Alright, I know what you’re thinking.....why in the hell would anyone in their right mind want to summarize this craptacular extravaganza of shit? Well, the obvious answer (and the common perception on the boards) is that I am NOT in my right mind, so let’s just go with that for now since I can’t for the life of me think of a good reason why I am about to partake in this task.But, before I begin I should mention that I have already screwed up this endeavor....when I meant to press the “record” button on the remote just as Julie “I can’t believe I’m still employed” Chen began her opening remarks, I accidentally hit the “rewind” button instead...so, this entire summary is gonna be retold without the benefit of a review of the tape. Not a big deal you say? Well, factor in about 10 years of habitual marijuana use and I think the evidence will show that I have a hard enough time remembering my own name from day to day, let alone the names of 12 newly introduced media whores. But, I’m gonna give it a shot anyway...besides, this damn show is on more times a week than Jesse Jackson gets served with paternity suits so I’m not really concerned about half-assing the occasional summary, and by “occasional” I of course mean every one that I write. So, without further delay, let’s begin with the first ever BigBrother2BlowsBigBullocks.com Official summary...........
First, or at least what I remember was first....we are treated to what looks like a commercial for Publisher’s Clearing House Sweepstake as each new cast member is surprised at their homes with the news that they have been sentenced to be a part of this season’s cast....it’s a touching and classy scene where each new inmate is given what appears to be the oversized key to the men’s room at the Omega Truck-Stop located off of I-94 in Kenosha, Wisconsin.
Then, we get the ususal “pack and say goodbye to your families” montage where all the girls (except the black one) and all the guys (except the old, fat, homophobic one) look the same...so, we’ll skip this part cause I really don’t remember anything that happened.
Next, all of the inmates are gathered in front of the house while Julie “stealing a paycheck” Chen acts as the voice of God from the studio as she announces over some hidden loudspeaker that the games are about to begin.....the inmates will be allowed into the house in random (yeah right, I believe that when I see it CBS) groups of four, where they will have 60 seconds to choose a bed before the next wave of whore, errr I mean four, is set free into the house. Sounds simple enough, right........not so fast BigBrother fans......this isn’t the BigBrother of old where the only drama was waiting around to see if the loud mouth cancer ridden cripple’s other leg was gonna fall off...no, no, no this is BigBrotherTWO where twists and turns abound and the Executive Producer has guaranteed that there will be S-E-X, guaranteed...never mind that this is a live-action reality show that hasn’t even been filmed yet, we’ve got a “guarantee”, from CBS, the people that brought you the completely not-fixed Survivor and also not at all fixed Survivor2. (to quoteth Homer T. Simpson, "In case you couldn't tell, I was being sarcastic."
Alright, so the “catch” is that the twelve beds are of different degrees of comfort...some are too hard, some are too soft, and some are jussssttt right. So, blah blah blah, hilarious hijinx commences as our twelve aspiring whores run around the house in a mad dash to grab the best bed......the black chick (sorry, don’t know all the names yet) gets a water bed, which excites the shit out of her cause apparently they don’t have water beds in Brooklyn, although she did admit to sitting on one once, when she attempted to become a “squatter” at her local Al’s Mattress & Bed Frame Emporium. Oh wait, I just went to the CBS site and looked up all their names..how about that, I’m actually putting an effort into this load of crap...anyway, her name is Monica, if anyone cares...and you shouldn’t.
Let’s see.....the funniest part is when the resident old/fat/southern/homophobe gets stuck with a sleeping bag..great laughs.
Alright, how about we meet the cast, as long as were here and all...
Autumn is 28 with a four year old daughter...I can’t tell if she is black, white, or just plain ugly. Anyway, her genus and phylum falls under the “self loathing and large breasted” media whore species, which is much more common and likely to be found on a reality show than her less frequently seen cousin, the “self loathing and small breasted” branch of the species.
Bunky is gay and friendly....and staying in the closet (sort of) until he feels comfortable enough to out himself. My question is, how stupid are these people?? One look at Bunky and you can tell he is about as gay as the day is long...he ain’t fooling anybody, well ,except for his Gaydar challenged fellow inmates.
Hardy is the resident “in love with myself” whore...it takes him all of about 20 minutes to strip down and start pumping iron, only he’s so pretty I can’t tell if he’s going for the Lee Haney look or the Denise Austin.
Nicole is the Alpha b!tch....she starts the show out by ordering every one around in every activity they partake in...and then she can’t understand why at the end of the show no one likes her, but more on that later.
Mike is 30 and funny......gee, that sounds familiar.
Krista is from Loozana and she is 28 with an 11 year old daughter...so hold on let’s do the math,......let’s see, carry the 3, divide by 2 and the answer is........Krista had her daughter at the ripe old age of....WHORE.
Will is 28, good looking, a nice guy, a doctor, a lawyer, a businessman, inventor of Post-its, curer of cancer (not you Eddie, you get to rot), and from what I hear, makes a mean bar-b-que.
Shannon is the female version of Will, minus the “smart” thing....she’s a pro volleyball player (so she says) and a model (so she says), but the writing on the screen claims that she is a realtor.....my guess, is that she’s just an actress who forgot her lines, after all this is the Creating Bullshit Scenarios Network.
Justin is from New Jersey and quite obviously the missing Soprano...word is that he will be leaving BigBrotherTWO to take Anthony Jr’s spot while he serves a stretch up in Attica for being a drug dealing heroine addict...gee, how original. (see aforementioned Homer reference)
Sheryl is the resident MILF, although I don’t see it, but everyone else seems to think so.
Alright, so back to the show.....the next item up for bid is the Food Challenge...no tree mail as Julie “next job is begging for change on the off-ramp” Chen instructs the whores to go out to the basketball court for tonight’s FC....apparently, on BBTWO the survivors will have to work for their meals (somewhere in the distance Bitchell can be heard groaning) or else suffer the fate of PB&J for an entire week...and no, they are NOT allowed to tear off the crusts.
Out on the b-ball court is a brand new Pontiac Aztec along with many bags of groceries....to win the food the BB’ers must load all of the groceries and all of the whores into the car, making sure not to sit in the Colby Donaldson family love juice stains that await them in the backseat.
So, blah blah blah, everyone gets in no problem and they win the food, but remember this is BBTWO not BBone, this is the big time where nothing is as it seems, and intrigue awaits around every corner. Jule “will suck dick for crack” Chen announces that they won the food, but now they can try and win the car.....the last person standing on the pole wins their choice of either the Immunity Idol or the car.....so, after about 10 minute Loud mouth Alpha B!tch Nicole announces to the rest of the passengers that SHE has decided that whoever wins the car will automatically be the first person voted out. So, what do the BB’ers do? Do they sit around and debate this ludicrous idea, and then tell Nicole to go fuck herself?? No, no, no, these brave and courageous souls scatter out of that car faster than a room full of prostitutes jump out the window when Magic Johnson shows up with a stack of $100's.
The only three left are Autumn, Sheryl and Kent. Autumn and Kent take turns trying to beg the other two for the car with various sob stories....Kent’s being that the FM radio in his wife’s car is a little staticky so she needs an upgrade and Autumn’s story being that the closest she has gotten to owning a car was when she used to give Cabbies blowjobs in exchange for rides. It works cause Sheryl eventually gets tired of listening to these two whiners and exits the car, leaving two remaining.
Autumn, the stupid b!tch that she is decides that Kent is a compassion less person cause he won’t GIVE her the car...what an idiot. Finally, cause Kent won’t just give in, she does the reasonable thing and quits after a whole hour and a half. HOUR AND A HALF....shit, I’ve had longer commutes to work, what a bunch of losers, but especially Autumn.
Next up is some stupid game to decide who will be elected “Master of the House”......the Master gets to sleep in a special locked bedroom which everyone thinks is the greatest thing in the world cause it is totally decked out with a bed, and a robe...wow, doesn’t take much to impress these folks.
The game is some moronic 5th Grade spin the wheel type of thing.....written on the wheel are such words as “bitchiest”, “hottest”, “Smartest”, and “smelliest”......someone spins the wheel, and whichever two words it lands on the spinner has to select the two people...oh you know what, who really cares, its stupid and confusing and not worth my time.....anyway, the only funny parts were when Autumn was elected the “smelliest” BB’er...I guess that’s why her name is Autumn and not Summer’s Eve....and the other funny part was when no one voted for Nicole and in an interview she was actually shocked to find out she was so damn unpopular.....gee, might have something to do with the fact that you are a raging b!tch, but I could be going out on a limb there.
Anyway, Funny Mike, who also is a white rapper, and someone please explain to me how that could ever be necessary, wins the crown of Master of the Universe. Along with the bedroom, he will also have the duty of selecting the two nominees for dismissal hill on the next show, which I believe is in an hour cause this damn thing is on more often than Pete Rose can be found hawking his old uniforms, bats and betting slips on the QVC.
Everyone crowds into Mike’s master bedroom, where Krista is amazed at the bath robe, complete with “H.H.” stamped over the breast pocket.... “Oh my stars, this is a great robe. I love the “H.H.” and not just cause those are the only two letters in the alphabet that I know”, says Krista.
Later that night, Autumn jumps (uninvited I might add) into Hardy’s bed, which amazingly is big enough for Autumn, Hardy, and Hardy’s opinion of himself. Autumn then proceeds to ask Hardy why he hasn’t tried to rape her yet and then invites him to do so......gee, I’d love to see a line-up of the guys she’s used to dating.
Oh wait, I remember something else that was funny! Kent, the homophobe and Justin Soprano, the homophobe protege, try and form an alliance with Bunky, who has years of experience with forming alliances with other men, if you get my drift. Kent and Justin take turns gushing about what a great guy Bunky is and how much they like him, and Kent even goes as far as confide in Bunky about how much he hates fags, which comes right before his proposal to form an alliance....needless to say, Bunky is slightly hesitant about joining.
Well anyway, that’s enough BBTWO for tonight....on Saturday’s show Funny Mike will have to select two nominees for ejection, and Julie “Maury Paulvich never asked ME to marry him” Chen will be sure to lead us through the catacombs of plot twists and heart stopping hijinx that is..................BIG BROTHER TWO: this time its personal
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She gets on my nerves big time! Ohhhh, I hope you rip her to shreads in every summary.
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