Mad Mad House Finale

You know, I have watched a lot of 2 hour finales in my day. Most are overly padded Frankensteins of flashbacks and mind-numbing recraps. This was not one of those finales. This show rocked with fun & revelation right up until the very end. And yet? I’m going to try to be brief here, because—let’s face it—when a show is over, it’s over and we all move on to the next Big Thing.

As the show begins Jamie, Eric and Nichole, the three remaining players, congratulate each other on surviving another elimination round. Later Jamie and Eric agree that it would “totally rock” if they were the final two. It would appear the knives are still out for little Miss Malibu.

Meanwhile, the five Alts are gently feuding and annoyed at Fiona for not voting as she has led them to think she would. Don & Art are especially pissed.

And in a moment of wonderful irony, Eric laments his poor performance in challenges so far, and says that he has “saved his best for the last.” Remember that folks, until the last challenge! Soon we will see Eric’s “best”.

Road Trip!
or
Don Bowls ‘Em Over.

Now that all the truly unstable people have been voted off things are a little dull at the Mad Mad House. Time for another road trip! As usual the TOPs never know where they are going until they get there. The Alts always know because they have consulted their various oracles & crystal balls. Well, plus the producers tell them. Doh.

Nichole blabs enough for six 14 year old girls as they drive down the road. She just can’t shut up. Once they arrive, she and Jamie enter the bowling alley draped like starlets on Avocados two arms. Fiona is hanging on Eric arm like they are about to be presented at Royal Court. Art & Don just saunter in alone so the locals can take a good gander at their freakish glory. The bowling Normals are quite appropriately stunned.

They attempt to bowl. Attempt being the key word here. These folks suck at bowling. Don admits he has never been bowling (vampires having better things to do in the dark of night than try to knock down lifeless pins). He throws a gutter ball or two. Then a helpful Normal shows him how to hold the ball and stuff. Don realizes that bowling is “quite elementary—just like throwing a knife”! Thereafter Don bowls only strikes. He even finds blood-red bowling shoes to coordinate with his vampiric black duds.

Avocado buys Don a drink to celebrate his bowling prowess. It’s bottoms up and they head back to the MMH routine of challenges, screw-ups and petty misunderstandings.

Art’s Immunity Challenge

Art threatens the guests that for the next challenge they will all be hung from hooks.

Eric says Nichole is as fake as Jamie’s chest. This has nothing to do with anything that is happening, except that Eric never passes up a chance to denigrate Nichole. Or peek down Jamie’s shirt.

Jamie says something—I forget exactly what—about how scared she is of the pain, but how she just knows she has to do good in this last challenge or she is screwed. Jamie is getting way too much face-time here. Plus, she said three sentences that were actually grammatically correct—a new record for her! Oh crap. They’re trying to rehabilitate her. You know what that means—she must move ahead in the game!

Eric speaks again. “I am oh for 8 here. It’s do or die time for me”. I think, die Eric! Die!!!

Art takes them out into the yard where there are 3 large hooks hanging by chains from a bright blue scaffold-thing. On his command they are to step up onto the hooks with one foot and remain there by holding onto the chain for as long as they can. The winner gets immunity.

Jamie and Nichole both assume a Zen-like, eyes closed, I-will-endure stance as they gently sway in the breeze. Eric twists around like a three-year-old with A.D.D. and fire ants in his pants. Or maybe a little red worm on a fish hook. I start to hope that a Lawn Shark will rise from the grass and swallow him whole. No such luck. He fidgets. He squirms. He steps on his own toe. He wraps the chain around his body. He moans.

Since they are all having such fun, Art orders the other Alts to hang a big mother of a rock from each of their belts. This really pushes Eric into extreme contortions. He kicks off one shoe—or it just falls off, I’m not sure which. Finally he tries to reposition his hook foot and falls to the ground. He is so pissed. Beaten by girls again! This is like an elementary school déjà vu all over again moment for him. All the girls could beat him at any sport back in grade school. This is why he grew up to become a manly Sports Writer and ignore all women’s sports forever. To show them, ya know?

Then Art does this weird thing where he tells Eric that since he, Eric, is out—he can now hang his rock onto the back of whichever girl he wants. Eric of course yells ‘Nichole!’ before Art can even finish the sentence. So poor Nichole has to near the weight of 2 large rocks as she stands on the friggin’ hook.

No surprise, Nichole goes down first after hanging for an impressive one hour and thirty-five minutes. Jamie wins her first challenge! The Alts are so impressed. They say Jamie is “glowing” and “focused”. She did “the miracle” she needed to win their respect. Huh? This was no miracle. This was an Eric-facilitated coup.

The Answer My Friends, Is Blowing In The Wind.
(But What Is The Question?)

When next we see Fiona and Avocado, they are lying on her bed (fully clothed—darn!) and chatting about how windy it is outside. A Big Wind blows the window open with a bang. In the Alt World this is no mere wind, this is an event of “divine timing”! Fiona babbles something about how wind in witchcraft signifies change, and something momentous, some momentous change is about to happen. Yeah, yeah. The winds of change are a religious and literary cliché, Fiona babe. Have you never read a book?

Anyway, it turns out that the Big Wind caused some knots in the fringe of Fiona’s throw. She shows these miraculously formed knots to ta’Shia, Jamie and Nichole, and begins to explain them as a metaphor for life. Nichole doesn’t get it and thinks they are just talking about knots—not Metaphoric Miracle Knots. Fiona gets all huffy and tells Nic to be silent for 10 minutes. What can Nichole do but comply?

Yet Another Formal Last Supper and Deliberation Ceremony.

And gaga, wow-wow—look at Fiona’s dress! It is a skin tight sea-green number with a keyhole cleavage cut-out going all the way down to there! Not only that but her nipples are hard and HUGE! Even Jamie can’t keep her eyes off them. Say what you want about what is in this girl’s head—her breasts are to die for!

Where was I? Oh yeah. Dinner chat…

Don asks the Final Three which of the previously eliminated guests they think might vote for them. Nichole says Bonnie would vote for her. (Remember that folks—it is a prophetic statement. But since there was no Big Wind at the time the Alts can’t tell that.)

Eric immediately disagrees with Nic and says nobody wanted her to win. When ta’Shia calls Eric out for always picking on Nichole, Fiona springs to Eric defense. “Eric,” she says, “is honestly representing the majority opinion of the others.” Art rolls his eyes just a bit. The Alts accuse each other of various favoritisms—Art for Nichole and Fiona for Eric.

They go into the Deliberation Ceremony where they talk a lot and the TV editors deliberately mix up the sound bites so that they are impossible to summarize neatly. Then the Elimination Ceremony.

Elimination.

Fiona votes Nichole.
Don votes Nichole.
Art votes Eric.
Ta’Shia votes Eric.
Avocado votes Eric.
Eric is out!

Oops. That was a little too brief, wasn’t it? Even though we are in a hurry here I guess I need to flesh this out a bit. For the three people who are going to actually read it. Some of the things the Alts said while voting…

Fiona: “Eric, you came in a reckless party boy, but I know you will be leaving a man.” Especially after how well you performed in bed as my roommate *wink* *wink*.

Don: “Eric, you have grown from being a little bit of a weasel to an actual gentleman.” Eric gives him a weasely grin.

Art: “Nichole, we connected on a spiritual level.”

Ta’Shia: “Nichole, pay attention to the words that come out of your mouth.”

There is a lovely close-up of Fiona looking sad as Eric is voted out by Avocado. Nichole even sheds a tear for the little weasel who spent his every waking moment in the House trying to bring her down.

Exit Eric, stage left.

The Final Two

Avocado tells Jamie and Nichole that their greatest challenge lies ahead. They now face five rites of passage, one from each Alt. The goal is not to win, but to perform. The first challenge, Don’s Challenge, begins immediately.

Challenge #1. Don tells the audience in a voice-over that his role is to promote sleep deprivation in order to break the girls down for the rites that will follow. First he leads them on a long walk in the dark. Then he reads to them passages from the ‘Idiots Guide to Vampires’. He defines a ‘bloodist’ versus a ‘fetishist’ and fascinating stuff like that. Describes the Underworld. Who knew vampire manuals were so monumentally boring? I am broken down just listening to 60 seconds worth of drone-like reading. Eventually, he tucks them both into his coffin for 40 winks, and sits on top to be sure they don’t escape.

At 9 a.m. the next morning Avocado saunters in buck naked, opens the coffin and tells the girls to strip off their clothes. He hands them empty crap baskets and off they go, foraging for weeds and seeds in the extensive Mad Mad House grounds.

Challenge #2. Avocado has them run naked back and forth across the front lawn, so they can feel “free”, and also provide some “free” entertainment for the grumpy camera crew who had to stay up all night listening to Don read vampire crap.

While all this nude frivolity is taking place, Fiona and ta’Shia are having a Serious Discussion. You see, Fiona woke up feeling blue. She even started sobbing during her morning walk. And since, by definition, there is nothing wrong with her—something must be wrong with the world! Did they do the wrong thing to evict Eric? Fiona thinks that Nichole somehow ‘influenced’ Avocado (her most recent roommate) to be against sweet, unassuming Eric. The irony of this statement totally escapes her.

Ta’Shia casts her Obi and consults the Oracle. Things come up dark for Nichole. Ta’Shia thinks they should tell the other Alts about the Oracle’s revelation. Then Fiona points out that Avocado is currently running around naked with the two eager finalists. She says “he’s a man, and ruled by his genitals. Art is too.” This from the woman who dry-humps Eric every time he so much as passes her in the hallway!

They agree that ta’Shia will talk to the men about this issue, thus setting up a segment I call…

The Really Stupid Argument.
or
Stupid Is As Stupid Does.

Speaking of stupid, I must begin by describing what Fiona has on. She is wearing pale pink hot pants with jet black tights, black boots, a black tube top and a black leather jacket. This? Is a really stupid looking outfit.

Art, who usually wears the same damn skirt and Church of Steel t-shirt every darn day, is also dressed for the Stupid Moment. Instead of his usual big earplugs, he is wearing big, open hoops inside his earlobes. You can hardly see the hoops—just big, round holes in his head. He has on stripy pajama bottoms.

Fiona babbles something about how they must discuss a vitally important issue but first she needs to know if ta’Shia talked to him yet.

Art: “No.”

Fiona: “Then I have to talk to ta’Shia first.”

She goes up to ta’Shia’s room and Art follows. That’s when the fun starts. Fiona won’t let Art in, even though ta’Shia wants to (and it’s her room). She gives Art the most snippy, self-indulgent lecture about “respect” that I have ever heard. Fiona would not recognize respect if it bit her on the ass.

Art gives up and leaves, but it’s not over yet—oh no, it’s not over yet.

Fiona and ta’Shia follow Art back down to the kitchen where Fiona continues her stupid lecture on respect. She won’t let Art speak because she is too busy telling him that—of course!—she is letting him speak and blah, blah-blah, blah-blah blah-blah. Art eats and nods. He scrapes some food from his dish onto ta’Shia’s plate for her to try. Avocado wanders in to make a smoothie. The blender roars. Fiona just won’t give it up. She is the center of the universe and those other Alts had better just shut up and listen!

Okay—enough nonsense. Let’s get back to Challenge #2.

Now that the crap basket s are full, Avocado tells Nichole and Jamie that their challenge is to eat all the crap they have gathered while pretending to have the Best Day Ever. They have gathered some pretty weird stuff. No Farfaru. But aloe vera fillets, sea weed, nasty berries, and what appears to be bear droppings. Bears do it in the woods, ya know.

They eat. Nichole barfs. They eat some more. Such a happy, happy day!

Challenge #3. is a Wiccan coming of age ritual. Fiona, in a floaty mauve sundress with a layered handkerchief hemline, blindfolds them and makes them sit in a “cave” made from palm fronds. They are supposed to introspect (not sure if that is a verb or not—probably not but who cares?) and gain enlightenment.

Nichole: “Sometimes hanging out with yourself is not the funnest place to be!”

Jamie: “I think I have evolved a lot. I’ve worked hard to get where I am right now.” (You did!?! I must have missed that show.)

Fiona: “I learned what I needed to know. All is not hunky-dory inside Nichole.”

Challenge #4. Art: “Native Americans adolescent males, to prove they were worthy of being warriors, inserted wooden pegs in their backs and dragged weighted skulls around” to show their strength. So poor Nic and Jamie have to put on belts and drag some fugly skulls and antlers around in the back yard, until Art tells them they can stop or they turn into adolescent Native American males.

Nichole lets Jamie take the lead and just paces her. This impresses the heck out of Art and the other Alts who have gathered to watch this slow motion drag race. Darkness falls. Finally, after one hour and 8 minutes, he lets them stop.

Art: “They don’t have much energy left to try to mask or hide anything.”

In Challenge #5, ta’Shia has them re-enact her ancestor’s voyage across the Atlantic in shackles. Art Shackles them. Don blindfolds them. Then they have to pick up envelopes, find keys and open their shackles. Oh yeah, and then light a candle. Ta’Shia says this symbolizes a final letting go of their old self and finding a path to freedom.

Whatever.

The last Challenge is so horrible, so awful, they don’t even explain it in advance. I mean, really! Both Jamie and Nichole would run screaming and forfeit all chance at winning the $100,000.00. The last challenge is—you guessed it—

A Surprise Dinner!

Oh. My. Heck. The evicted are all back for a great big reunion feast. And they haven’t learned a thing from their Mad Mad House experience! Noel is still wearing his fugly knit hat. Tim is still wearing the fugly vest. Kelly is still fugly. (Ouch. That last was a bit harsh. I’m sorry—Kelly is still a Big Fat Obnoxious Virgin. Better?)

They wine. They dine. It starts out so nicely before going, as you might expect, all to Hell.

Avocado asks Kelly a question. “Kelly,: he says, “you looked like you wanted to kill us when we eliminated you! What were you thinking” Okay using the words ‘Kelly’ and ‘thinking’ together in one sentence is a bit of a stretch but Avocado is an optimistic guy. I have to quote Kelly’s whole answer because it is just so amazing!

Kelly: “I adore Fiona, Don and Avocado! You have made a difference in my life. I especially love the Wiccan witchcraft stuff!”

“I wanted to tell Art to go f___ himself! He is so afraid and ignorant and doesn’t want to admit that there is anything wrong with himself. There is nothing worse than a Fallen Catholic! And I don’t believe in Voodooism. I don’t believe she (meaning ta’Shia) was possessed. I think it was an act. I think it was a Left Wing Democratic Conspiracy! And I don’t believe in Affirmative Action, I’m sick of people crying foul…”

Art and ta’Shia calmly continue eating while Kelly melts down into a little puddle of seething drama.

“Jeez, Kelly” Bonnie says, “Just stop!”

Avocado tells the camera “Her energy was just a train wreck.” And her life too, Avocado! Don’t forget her whole life is a train wreck! This woman is a Republican Political Organizer? Better watch out, Dubya!

Noel asks ta’Shia why she didn’t just ask him about the Cold Medicine fiasco. Ta’Shia says she was going to get around to it.

Then it’s Tim’s turn to rant. “What Don has done so many times is bring up the word ‘hypocrite’ and ‘hypocritical’. You Alts have been more hypocritical since Day One than anybody in this house!” And on and on he goes, while Kelly blubbers in the background. He attacks the final two as being unworthy.

Fiona defends Nichole. “We saw the real Nichole after some of you left and she didn’t have to defend herself all the time! It’s easy to pick on someone who is as beautiful and talented as her”

Avocado adds “That’s a major reason why some of you were eliminated. Saying negative things about Nichole.

Nichole doesn’t defend herself, just sits there looking serene while the others talk.

This is where Jamie suddenly stands up to defend the whole experience. “This hasn’t been an easy journey—especially getting through these people right here! This has been so hard, yet so rewarding. I don’t want this to turn into negativity, because honestly? It isn’t the journey I’ve been through the last two days! It isn’t all negativity! I don’t want to leave on that! I’m sorry! *raises her hand* I will disconnect from everybody if that’s the case!” She looks so impassioned and embraces the experience so well that the Alts just applaud. And that’s when Jamie really wins the game. All that remains is to record the vote.

Don asks the voted out TOPs who they think should win. Everyone pick Jamie but Bonnie—who chooses Nichole.

The Alts take Jamie and Nichole aside for the last Deliberation, only instead of a deliberation they have one last challenge which they call…

The Inquisition

A nice word, but I don’t know why they use it, since during the Inquisition people like the Alts were summarily tortured and executed.

Anyway, for the Inquisition Nichole and Jamie are separately asked the same set of questions.

Art asks “What are the biggest misconceptions the Alts have about you?”

Avocado asks “What was your most difficult Challenge experience?”

Don, “Why should we eliminate the other person?”

Ta’Shia asks is “there is anything else they want to say.”

Evidently Fiona’s question was too stupid for television since we are not shown her asking anything. Also? This summary is way too long so I am going to omit most of the answers.

Don’s question, why each should eliminate the other, turns out to be crucial.

Nichole points out how well she did in all the challenges.

Jamie praises her competition: “These last two days with that girl have been awesome. I want her staying inside me. There is no reason at this point I want her eliminated at all!” Wow! When did Jamie develop such good intuition? She just said exactly what the Alts wanted to hear--again!

And the Winner Is…

The 8 eliminated TOPs stand to one side while the Alts file out. They are not a Jury—just witnesses. Fiona is in a floor length zebra print gown for her final performance. And a very fitting choice it is, since she sees all things in black and white.

I’m pretty sure Jamie has this thing all sewn up, but since the Alts don’t always vote as expected—let’s count off the votes to be sure. Whoever gets the fewest necklaces placed on their neck wins.

Fiona votes Nichole.
Art votes Jamie.
Don votes Nichole.
Ta’Shia votes Jamie.

And every time Nichole gets a vote, Eric just smirks like a borderline psychotic. He is so pathetic! The Alts must be marveling that they kept him around so long!

“It’s a tie!” Fiona reminds us. The last Alt to vote is Avocado. He gives a long, quoted speech to both Jamie and Nichole. I know I should recognize it because I’ve heard parts of it before but it’s late; I’m tired, and I don’t feel like Googling it to find out.

In brief? He tells Nichole “You called it a miracle. But Jamie had two. He sobs and holds up two fingers. Then he puts his necklace on Nichole and they both cry.

Jamie wins!

The Alts are all convinced that they picked the right person to win.

Fiona gets the last word. “Mad Mad House was a miracle!”

Waves to He down in Texas.
*Smooches* Sweetie! It was great fun summarizing this crazy show with you!