Episode 9: Damn, I wish I was high when I watched this enormous rubbish tip of a show
This episode is dedicated to Nakomis, who is the friggin' coolest chick to ever be on a reality show, and is a hell of a lot like me, except for the mohawk and 37 extra piercings.
Previously on BB5... A most benevolent Kim Jong Il dropped a nuke on the hamster cage, and the world became a happier place.
Oh wait. That didn't happen. That was as per my fantasy. What really happened:
- Drew became HoH brak brak brak 4 Horse-sh!ts brak brak brak
- Scott and Jase fight over something. I think it's called a Holly® doll.
- Drew nominates Holly (GLEE!) and Necropolis (grr)
So anyway... This episode opens with Jase saying to Drew that "he understands" Drew's nomination of Holly. This marks the second thing that Jase has ever understood, the first being "don't stick your pee-pee in a pencil sharpener." He learned that one two weeks before departing for the Big Brother house. Anyway, Drew feels somewhat more confident in his decision since he has such a worthy backing from such a nice and crafty guy. Eesh.
Scott, on the other hand, is not happy. In his words, he thought that the 4 horse-d**ks should "be on the same page." This statement confused me a little, since I was unaware that Scott had ever opened a book, much less understood what a page was.
Holly, ever the rational and relaxed one, is having a near nervous-breakdown in the bathroom (why oh why do these people gather in the restroom?). She is whinging and whining about how she did NOTHING to deserve this nomination. Well, Holly, maybe if you weren't so frelling irritating and stupid, you might not be in such a predicament. If you were smart, in fact, you would either a: not be on this show, or b: be already voted out. Sigh.
Jase insists to Drew that after he wins POV (assuming about a million things), he swears he won't use it, to "save face." Jase, thank you for being so strong and forthright in your decision. I'm sure it won't change at all over the course of this one friggin' episode. Lord, how I hate this "man."
Diane is giddy about Holly's nomination. So am I.
Holly continues whining. (I contemplated offering her some "cheesse" with that whine, but I doubt she would've understood). She cries to Jase... "is it in Drew's bible to put me up?"
No, Holly. The only person who got "put up" in the Bible is Jesus. And he's way awesomer than you. Even my hat can verify that he's my homeboy.
Drew and Diane canoodle for appx 2.8 seconds. This means squat.
Holly pleads and pleads to Drew- "you've got the wrong conception of me!" What on EARTH could the right one be? Oh gee, Holly, I plum forgot! You've not a hollow-brained pair of boobs! You're a wonderful, intellectual person, who doesn't look anything like an undertalented stripper! Now bend over while I put this in your g-string, hon.
Holly is kind enough to phrase what we are all thinking, in a beautiful, glib way.
"I'm not, like, a mastermind whatsoever."
No kidding. I'm not the Pope.
For the rest of this ordeal, Holly whines (AGAIN) that Drew isn't upset about his own frelling decision to put her up. Nobody cares... of course, except for Jase and Scott (aka the horsemen's asses), who in the last 5 minutes have gone from congratulating Drew for actually using his brain to hating him for not consulting with the idiots first.
I took this moment to fart loudly at the television. I felt a little better.
CBS then provided us with plenty of time to use the restroom during the hideously long commercial break. If I had been thinking correctly, I should've gone to smoke a joint. Then this garbage would either make more sense, or I'd be too stoned to care... Regardless, back to the show.
I knew that Big Brother is notorious for jumping from "plot" to "filler" but I had not counted on Jase's Brad-Pitt-worship. Ab-so-fvcking-lutely terrifying. Given the number of clips CBS has culled for the segment, I can only imagine what it must be like to have a converation with Jase. Frankly, even that's a little too horrifying for me to fathom:
Me: So, uh, Jase (snicker), what do you do?
Jase: Well, sometimes I dress up my "Lil' Brad Pitt" doll in a matching sleeve-headband and then we talk about toys! Sometimes we have tea parties. I drawed a picture of us! Wanna see?
Me: Um... not real..
Jase: LOOKIT!
Um... yeah. Anyway, Jase, just one thing. Marvin's scoring shots off you... he said you looked like an ARM-PIT. I damn near died laughing at that comment. And if even Holly thinks you're kinda stupid, congratulations on your future career as a doorstop or paperweight. ::shakes head::
Back to the "plot." Scott's getting all pissy because Drew is younger than him, and thus, should be submissive to The Peencil. Here's the deal, Scott... Drew won HoH. You did not. You are not in charge. You and your hilariously narrow sceptre are not running the Big Brother house. Please go play in traffic. Jase goes as far as to call Drew an idiot. Jase, honey, which one of you two has the borderline-stalkerish obsession? Which one of you is in love with a pinhead who thinks YOU'RE STUPID? Damn, this show is ridiculous.
The 3 non HoH Horses' Asses sit in Drew's room and complain complain complain... more Cheesse, anyone? Scott says "we're a democracy." In Scott-language, that of course means "I RULE YOU ALL WITH MY MIGHTY PENIS!" We all know how threatening THAT is 
. Cowboy adds his usual input by sucking air.
Jase keeps comforting Holly, assuring her that during the POV challenge, ALL the horsemen will be used, since Drew would pick Scott, Holly'd take Jase, and, since the horse-d**ks control everyone with their, uh, minds, Nakomis would obviously pick Cowboy. Why oh why did they assume that? These people are really quite stupid (and yet, once I turn 21, I am SO applying for this crap... why?!).
Scott tries (but no very hard) to assure Nakomis that she'd be perfectly safe, and pressures her hard to take Cowboy to the challenge.
Newsflash, Scott. Unlike you, your special friend Jase, and the other idiot guys still in the house, and Holly, Nakomis is not dumber than a kitchen sponge. Scott is completely transparent to Nakomis, and she doesn't buy a word of it. Good girl 
. Scott, since he's always rational, congratulates himself for such a persuasive argument.
At this point, there is not a single member of Big Brother's television audience that does not want to take a tire iron to Scott's face. Some of us have certainly tried to pay for helecopters to fly over the house and drop heavy items, only to drop that bag of rocks on myself. I mean... well, let's get on with this summary.
Holly applies more pressure to Drew. Drew don't care. He also really doesn't want to put up Adria. This will figure heavily later in the episode.
::sigh::
Rock on! Time for Power of Veto! As predicted, Drew picked Scott, Holly picked Jase, and Nakomis picked Adria... wait... Adria's not a horseman! OH NO! NOW WHAT?!?!.
I really hope that they weren't stupid enough to assume that Nakomis would pick Cowboy, but then, this show redefines stupid three times a week.
Jase, ever the crafty one, assumes that since fancy dress was required, this is a food-related challenge. Ya know, because clothing = food. Just like Jase = human void better occupied by a garbage can. So you know what he does? HE MAKES HIMSELF BARF. Oh, it gets better. Holly thinks this is a sweet gesture. I don't want to know what she does on a date, but I have no interest in showing her a good time.
The challenge is a casino-themed game called "Truth or Bluff." One houseguest reads a question and their answer to that question, and the remaining 5 HGs have to bet on whether the answer was true or a bluff.
According to the game, Scott finds a girl with confidence and attitude the most attractive. We've already brought out the Scott-translator tonight... "confidence and attitude" translates to big cans and the ability to poop out fresh-baked pies.
Jase asks who he confides in. Scott isn't sure what "confide" means, shocking nobody.
Holly "wishes she was good at math." Yeah right.
Anyway, Nakomis wins, which made me happy.
The horsemen, horrified at this outcome, realize that they need Marvin, thus giving Marvin his first actual use since someone realized he turned oxygen into carbon dioxide. He and Cowboy apparently share that hobby. Marvin suggests a new name for the gang-o-five, the Santa Monica Van Boys.
The Santa Monica Van Boys.WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT MEAN?!
More stupid commercials go here while I ponder what on earth kinda drugs Marvin's taking and where I can obtain some.
As we return, Holly's still whining. Nobody cares. Well, I don't, anyway. Diane has apparently gotten on Holly's bad side for not giving a pity hug at the end of the POV competition. Who would guess that one frelling hug would escalate into what was essentially Crips v. Bloods, Big Brother-style. Jase yells at Diane, Diane yells back, the 4 horsemen (except Cowboy, who was probably picking his nose or something) act like douches, and it gets really ugly.
Jase thinks himself a mastermind because he "caused doubt and mistrust." OK, Jase, you and Holly can both be masterminds. Oh wait. No you can't, because Holly already said thusly,
"I'm not, like, a mastermind whatsoever."
What a nice couple they are. Dumb and Dumberer.
Adria and Natalie swap again... yawn. I want them both in the damned house already. Adria and Drew actually have an intelligent discussion (A first in this house) where Adria reminds Drew that the horse-d**ks should respect his decisions. She's expecting a bit too much from these guys. Let's all remember, the 4 horsemen are the kinds of guys where if you asked them "How are you?" they'd have to really sit and think about it for a while.
At the POV ceremony, Holly giggles maniacally, Nakomis takes herself off the block, and, predictably, Adria goes up. Damn. Drew must still be waiting for his testicles to drop.
And that's the end of this sad chapter.
We've got no future, we've got no past/Here today, built to last
- Pet Shop Boys, West End Girls
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