LAST EDITED ON 09-20-11 AT 11:14 AM (EST)

Hola. That is Hello in Spanish for those of you who don't know. It it I broadcasting from the Escuela de las Mujeres Rauncharitas, where good girls go to be bad, and uneducated girls go to learn to curl your toes and trim your curls. They major in whoring and pole dancing, and they learn how to make polite society their bitch. So, it's a good thing.

And once again I have to report that after tearing up the local village on their Vespa Hogs and hurrahing the village elders, I had to bail some of my girls out of the hoosegow. This was a homework project that they had been assigned. Next week they get into S&M training. They grow up so fast!

I had to wait till they sobered up so that they could truly appreciate their situation. And how proud I was again of them. That those lessons that they learned in those hot dusty school rooms, on those hot sweaty days, naked, in those hot wet Jacuzzis, would take root in those fertile little minds.

So, on to the latest non-enHantzed* spoilers, straight from the coyotes snout.

Spoiler #1 Brandon will spill his secret this week. But contrary to less reliable spoiler info, it is not that he is a Hantz, it is that he grown up zygote. That's right, you heard it here first, Brandon used to be a zygote!

And, oh yeah, he is also Chaz Bono (old news) and he is very confused about the whole gender question (also old news).

Spoiler #2 For a second week Coach will continue to speak in tongues, and Sophia will continue to understand. Make no mistake, this isn't a 'twins' language, or anything else that makes sense, this is totally daffy, and Sophia will evolve into a babbling idiot in Coach's thrall. Not troll, that will be Brandon's role, but thrall.

Spoiler #3 Rick Nelson will be heard to exclaim "this ain't my first rodeo", which will alert all of us to the fact that, in spite of the hat and the ranch talk, he doesn't really know what a rodeo is.

Spoiler #4 Papa BareAss will reveal to his tribemates his bare ass. And somewhat redundantly (because he did this last week too) that he is gay and that he is not a threat because he knows that gay bareassed hairy chested men have no chance of winning at survivor.

(*Disclaimer to the disclaimer)

Tribal art, Tribal fart, ehh, who's counting?